My husbands father is in a nursing home and my mother is in a different nursing home. My husbands siblings live out of town. We have been married for 25 years and have done everything for them all our married life. When I say everything, I mean from shoveling 100 feet of snow, cutting 3 acres of grass, repairs on house, cleaning their restaurant/ nightclub, doctors appointments, shopping, etc. There is so much friction in our families because we have spoke up for help. Siblings now are coming in to help from time to time. Mother in law does not take into consideration we are trying to take care of everyday living while caring for them. When other siblings are in from out of town they are here to do for her. Mother in law plays them against us. They are resentful for having to take time away from work to help. My husband and I have asked for them to let us know when they are coming so we can plan time for us to no avail. We are getting burnt out with the load and I feel it's hurting our otherwise happy relationship. Please give us some advice.

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It would also help for you, even though it's difficult, to establish some limitations on what you can/will and can't/won't do.

I'm wondering why they still have a restaurant/nightclub if they're both in nursing homes. Unless you've taken over management and are getting some funds which you're using for their care, I would think this is one asset that could be sold.

I'd also consider hiring the yard maintenance for MIL's house out -that's too much for you to handle.

The more you do, the more they expect. At this point, the family probably has expectations that you're going to continue to handle everything you always have.

It will be difficult, but you need to make it clear that you're not going to do everything and that the rest of the family needs to step in.
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I'm confused. Two parents are in nursing homes where, I assume, their physical needs are being met on an around-the clock basis and you are overwhelmed. Are you saying you are still caring for their two homes and a business? And your mother-in-law who lives in her own home?

If that's the case?? Even I am exhausted just thinking about it. If that's the case, in my opinion, you have lost perspective. Please clarify. There's lots of good help here. The more info the better.
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This sounds like total chaos but good for you and your husband for working together all these years in caring for your parents.

Have you tried a family meeting? When the siblings are in town get together with them (without your mom of course) and calmly and rationally explain to them what you and your husband are going through. Then ask them what they are willing to do to help. Don't argue, take what you can get at this point. Then ask them if they would please let you know when they plan on coming to town so that you can plan accordingly.

If you feel the meeting is going well bring up your mom's tendency to manipulate everyone. Mom wants to feel as if she's in control and this is how she does it. Explain this to your siblings.

When you have this meeting serve some store bought treats and some refreshments (non-alcoholic). Don't go into the meeting angry and resentful and expecting confrontation. Keep it light and friendly.

After you've had the meeting you and your husband will know where things stand and you can go from there.
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