How to cope with wishing your Mom would die?

I have the same problem, my mom has dementia, that gets worse everyday, she's mean to me or manipulative. The difference is, she wants to die. I started trying to focus on my health and wellbeing and keeping my mom at arms length, but still taking care of her.

mother's verbal emotional abuse stayed on course.
we lost my drug addicted brother 6 weeks ago who lived with her for 20 years as her caregiver
roommate best friend. He nearly bankrupted her!
I'm the workaholic financially responsible daughter who now chooses to forgive everything one day at a time, get her medical help with her neglected painful feet, sell her home and move her into my lovely senior community where her best friend also lives.
She refuses a caregiver so I leave her 4 days a week with food, constant phone calls and encouragement. We are both grieving the loss of my brother and are in shock. Thank God for my male friend of 30 years who spent many years caregiving his parents who just past away at 95 of Alzheimer's. He insists I go home 60 miles away on Sundays to swim, walk and keep my much needed job 3 days a week. My lifetime of codependency abruptly ended the sad day my brother passed in his sleep of an overdose. Gifts come in tragic packages
I am grateful I have many years of Alanon and 32 years of AA or I would be relapsing right now.. 12 step program's can fill in where other options miss the mark. Exercise and clean eating saves me!

Been there but with some patients that were mean and nasty.I only wish they had better communication with the world and made their expectations known..instead they would be mean ,physically abusive and verbally abusive.perhaps talking to your mother might help, express your concerns, maybe she is scared about the future..no one wants to die or end up in a nursing home..you are frustrated and need to distance yourself emotionally for your own good..you are basically right now,"beating your head against a wall"..she is not going to change and your brother needs to realize your concerns ..You do not need to wind up in a hospital because of an emotional "breakdown'...reach out to support groups, the staff, even the doctors can recommend alternatives..I have seen family members end up in the hospital because they "broke down"..please seek support ,we need you in this world..good luck

Perhaps you need to see a professional therapist for all your anger issues and stressors. Wishing your mother's demise is neither good for you nor her, and you probably should have very little contact least you really harm her. Mothers will always love sons more, so anything your brother does or does not do is probably okay with your mother. When something is not working for you, just stop and think is this anger toward your mother harming her or you? Be kind to yourself and do not have toxic people in it otherwise you may die before her.

You are doing a good job in a very difficult situation. It is very normal to wish that a situation would resolve itself or go away when the pain is great and a loved one is involved. My 90 year old Dad was helpless in bed for two months, and while I did not consciously wish he would die, I knew that would be the ultimate solution and it was. You are doing the best you can do. WInston Churchill said "When you are going through hell, keep going." Try to do more things to take care of yourself. Praying helps me.

Before mother's dementia arrived just after she abruptly stopped drinking after 60 years of alcoholism

Feeling this way recently also. At Stage 6 and getting to the last stage soon, my husband becomes less of himself and more of the vacant person I am now caring for. It gets harder and harder to deal with it as his personality is really going away. He cannot communicate effectively, because he only uses a few words to talk and they don't make any sense either. But I usually know what he needs by what he is doing at the time. For example looking in the fridge. He usually wants his drink. Or he will stand by the TV. That means he wants be to put in a DVD to watch. Or when he puts his hand by his backside. That means he has to go to the bathroom. That's the signal I really hate. It means I am going to have to clean up another mess in the bathroom, perhaps strip him down and put him in the shower. I have to wash him too. He doesn't remember how! It gets more depressing every day. Yes I know those feelings and I hate myself for even thinking them. I keep hoping he will go quietly in his sleep and I will no longer have to deal with the person I have been with for 38 years. The person I was madly in love with and who loved me so much, and was my best friend. He's gone.

Bottom line is, I get it. Even my kids say they wish Grandma would just die. She's 93, almost completely blind and hard of hearing, in an ALF, and projects her anger at me all the time. Has always been a verbally abusive person, and with dementia setting in, she is unbearable. If I make even the slightest mistake, or forget something minor, she says sarcastically "well , you're supposed to be so smart." Always with the putdowns. I will always do my duty to her, and am on antidepressants with Xanax as a backup when needed. There are times I just want to sleep, because there is no way out of this situation, and the only way it'll improve is when she's gone. Doctor reminded me that I need to pull back when she is being so mean and hateful for my own mental health, and to take care of myself first . I don't think it's wrong to wish she would die. Approaching 94, her life is miserable, and I can't help but believe she would be happier on the "other side". Thank God for my children who remind me that I can't make someone else happy, and I have gone over and above, forgiving her over and over for her verbal assaults, but after six years of this, I am tired. Right now I am at a very down point, and have not called her for a week. I know at some point I'll be able to cope better again, but don't let anyone make you feel guilty for wishing this role was over with!!!

What kind of mental issues does your brother have? Is it possible he might hurt your mother? Unintentionally or not.

I agree with the others that you aren't alone in thinking as you do. Please read all of the answers because there's a lot of compassion and some good suggestions on this thread.

It's really not about your mother dying but about the fact that you want the situation gone. It's the situation that you can't deal with. Please don't let guilt overwhelm you.

Trying to keep the rest of your life orderly will help. Maybe asking your mother questions about what she wants will help. However, if she has dementia, which is possible, she won't be able to be rational.

As you say, the situation with your brother having a personality disorder complicates this issue. Is there a physician with whom you could discuss both issues? Could you see a professional counselor who not only could help you decide what your role in this family drama is but could help you find local resources for your mother and your brother?

I think that you need to take care of yourself first, here. Then you may be able to help with the situation between your mother and your brother.

Please keep us posted with more detail so that we can answer more specifically.
Take care,
Carol

You are not alone. It is not selfish to question how you have found yourself with these responsibilities that you didn't ask to take on. The feelings you have come from feeling that there is no end in sight and that you have no control. All I can offer is that you do what you can to protect other parts of your life so that you have a place of retreat in your life to refuel. Try to take control in the rest of your life so that you have some power over your life. I am in your situation and feel powerless when it comes to my mom and all that caring for her means.

The one thing that has helped me in extremely challenging situation is to agree on 'shared expectations'. Then see what the other person wants to do about it.

So for example sit down with your mom and just ask her what she wants to see happen. If she struggles with that you can make some suggestions. For example you can say that you hope that the family grows closer through these challenging times, rather than farther apart. You hope that you and others can learn from your mom how to live life well. You hope that you can learn to show each other love and respect. You will find things that work for your family.

Then see what she has to say. Be silent and let her think and talk.

I did this with my sister and once we agreed about our shared expectations, and I was quiet for a moment, my sister apologized to me for not being the way she wanted to be. She said she would try harder and we always referred back to the conversation we had. I also did this with my mom and it helped us tremendously although I probably did it a little too late.

I hope this tip helps you. The two most important parts of this is to have and talk about 'shared expectations' and for you to be silent so the other person can talk about what they are going to do to play a role in achieving those expectations. Then you can also say how you will try.

I hope that doesn't all sound too complicated. Just thinking back, on some super challenging times with my family and it worked!

Now that my mom has passed away at age 93, I learned that it is very, very final and very, very empty without her.

One of my biggest blessings is the good memories I will always have. So this is the time for you to create good memories that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

My hope for you is that all your memories are good ones and that you can work together with your family to create plenty of them starting now.

I don't think anyone is born knowing how to be a good family member. We have to spend our lives learning how to be better and working with each other to learn together. I believe we can learn new things at any age. :)

It is only me and I could of wrote this myself. I feel this way every day of my life. The docs are no help anymore. She does what she wants and takes all the anger about her sad no life out on me. I will always hate her.

Hello, I know the frustration you feel and it's obvious you just can't make your mother understand that some of the decisions she is making can potentially be really bad ones. You didn't mention what those are but, if they are putting her health and/or safety in jeopardy, you must intervene regardless of what she thinks or says. You said she is 88 so maybe she is showing signs of Dementia or Alzheimer's decease. I assume she has a doctor so, maybe it would be a good idea to take her to see him/her so she can be evaluated and you know what you are facing.
For what you mentioned in your note, you can't or wont detach from this situation, it's hard, no matter what, it's hard to just walk away. Wishing she would just go away is a sign that you are getting burned out by this, specially because your brother doesn't help at all, he probably makes the situation worse. Do you think you can talk to him about it? explain to him he needs to plug in and help with your mother's care? I know how difficult it is to get your siblings to help, I have 4 and neither one communicate with me, our mother has been living with my husband and me for 3 years and we haven't gotten a phone call, a letter or dime. You need to start thinking about what is going to happen in regards to your mother's situation, you might have to place her in a nursing home or hire in home help soon so, get all the information you can possibly gather so you can be ready when that time comes. I can tell you are fed up and you are not even living with her and caring for her 24/7 so, if you don't think you could do that in the near future, please start thinking of the other options.
BoodaGazelle is correct, in the case of the elderly, modern medicine and technology has indeed disturbed the natural order of life for this people. Living a long life is not always a good thing if the quality of your life sucks big time. What good does it do to live to be this old if you can't take care of your most basic needs yourself anymore, when your mind is so irreparably gone that you can't enjoy a good book or beautiful music or a good stake, the sunrise, the sun set, your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, when you soil yourself and need someone to clean you up. Most of the time this task falls with your adult children, who have families and jobs of their own and might have to give that up, believe me, it's not pretty, it's awful, no matter which way you see it, other times, it falls onto the hands of strangers in a nursing home. It's obvious you worry about your mother but please, get ready for what's coming, it might get worse before it gets better.
Good luck to you!!

Hadnuff, just hearing you say that with such determination and such forcefulness, makes me feel sad. I know that you are looking for support, and the support I will give you is this, I acknowledge that your life right now feels unbearable because of the unbearable situation with your mother. I hope that somehow there is a miracle between you and your mother, but I also never have wanted someone to die, so I respect how you feel, even though I have never been in your shoes ever before.

God Bless

My Dad has frontaltemperal dimentia and makes very bad decisions. He has been doing this for years, but had his legal matters taken care of until my sybling got to him and, suddenly he revoked the POA that allows me to protect his from himself. The doctor is working on papers to help me approach the courts, but in the meantime his revocation must be contested. If he were to injure himself and be put in the hospital I cannot prevent the medical folks from placing him in assisted living. He wants to live at home and I've told him this could happen. His answer is to tell me he has to consult his attorney, who knows he is not right in the head. There are times I feel it would be less stressful for him to just go away, but then God helps me get ahold of my thoughts and realize he is still a person and needs my help. Parents, like children, are not disposable when they become problems. We must remember it is our nature to want it easy, but our duty to help those who cannot help themself. I recommend you get her tested for various sorts of brain problems. A CT scan showed my Dad's has this frontaltemperal dimentia and that explains a great deal about his behavior and actions. God help you in dealing with both your mom and that brother. I got one of those too and he is the problem that moves Dad in a very poor direction.

Hadnuff, you are not alone. All you can do is make sure you do you duty to her, to make sure that ultimately she is as safe as can be. But modern life has truly messed up the natural order of things to where people live longer than they can take care of themselves. The stress and feelings you have are shared by many.

I think you really wish that you and your mother had better communications, and that she would respect you as an adult when you make suggestions.

Time to keep your distance but be there when your Mom really needs you. If she makes bad decision, she has to own up to those decisions and fix them on her own.

I remember someone had said that why worry about something that might never happen... if you do worry, and later it does happen... you are worrying twice.

Both my parents are in their mid-90's, Dad uses a walker and Mom uses a cane, and they still live alone under their own roof. They do fine. It's their decision to keep living on their own for as long as their minds are still somewhat sharp.