How to cope with wishing your Mom would die?

Hi
I felt the same way about my mother. I didnt feel guilty about it. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have nice parents. My mother kept threatening to commit suicide and, at age 89, she did. She had outlived all acquaintances and I don't believe she ever had a friend or was a friend to anyone. My sister hung around long enough to inherit everything. I was never such a hypocrite. Your feelings are your feelings and you have , I am sure, earned them. Be kind to yourself.

I understand because I deal with it on a daily basis. I have to work 40 hours a week take care of the rest of my family and deal with my mothers constant battery. I also have to work in her Dr appts. The best you can do is remember you are not alone and any time you think that there is no need to feel guilty. We are only human and can take just so much. I believe the best option for me is I am going to have to put her in a nursing home. Good Luck to you.

You can refuse to go. You can say "mom, this is affecting my health. I can't risk getting hurt in the bad weather any more than my brother can. You have the funds to hire help. I'm not available".

It seems dreadfully unfair to me that she values your brother so highly without regard to what this does to you, or how it makes you feel.

Isn't the point of doing a Special Needs trust in order to qualify for aid?

When my 92 yr. old Mom gets abusive or sarcastic or just bitchy, I have a trick that seems to help....I look at her...say"Really?" put my hands in front of my face (palms facing her) ...turn and walk out of the room for about 5 minutes. When I return, if she says anything else that bothers me I repeat the process and walk out again. She has actually apologised a couple of times !!

She has too much money right now for aid. I do have a folder with info. for if she ever qualifies for anything.
I have a new question. How do I force her to get in home help to be with her for days when my brother isn't there. I just called her on the phone. There is two steps up from her bedroom to get into the living room. There is a banister to hold on to. She said that one leg goes up the stair fine. Having a lot of trouble today getting the other leg up the step. She has to get to the kitchen to get food. My brother left last night because of the weather. I told her I would help pay for someone to help her. That she could use someone there to help. She is talking about trying physical therapy, and didn't want to discuss having help. She try's to save every penny she can for my brother. Once she said that all a person is going to do is sit there until I need something. Don't want to pay someone for that. She rejected the idea of a volunteer also. She does have a woman to do laundry and light cleaning. Only cause she can't. And she only pays her about $13 an hour. But this woman works most other days for other people. So she isn't available other times. So is it possible when there is no one else but me to talk to her to force a helper on her?

Unless there are copious assets, assisted living isn't doable. (Here, they are unimaginably high.) Be aware that government run home services have long waiting lists. To make certain you are not in line for a neglect call, get her on the waiting list fror EVERYTHING from your local state-run senior services. Her primary will have to fill out portions of the paperwork regarding ambulation, house-bound, etc. That may put her higher on the list for home-services; and then someone besides you and bro is on the front line. Apply for everything; the government doesn't always advertise what's available so ask many questions of many agencies. Get the ball rolling and let us know how things are going. Don't give yourself a guilt trip about the emotions. You are forgiven. Caregivers from the beginning of time have had those thoughts. Serenity prayer here again: do what you can, don't do what you can't, know the difference. AND: don't ever take anything personally.

the sad part is that although she was so hateful in the past when we could have had a decent relationship she's very nice now that she doesn't even know who I am......I never said I hate her but understand, she used to say she wished she could kill me...that's pretty hard to love

I am kind of in the same situation, and understand what you are feeling. I often feel "stuck" because even though it is a blessing to take care of Mom, it is very much a burden when you have a mentally ill brother and you are basically alone. Don't feel guilty about wishing your Mom would die, it is a natural reaction to having your adult life hijacked by a needy parent. I agree with all of the answers and advise trying to get some relief by contacting your county agency to see if there are low or no cost options to get someone to watch your Mom for awhile, while you do what you want for an hour or so. The situation is difficult and it is natural for you to want it to end. I cope by trying to do the best I can.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time! Though I have felt some of your frustration. I think more at the elderly care community at large for lack of options or compassion. I know my mom can't help alot of what's happening- Alzheimers thus her refusal to do as asked for her own good..therapy,showering etc..but I try to remember the mom she once was, not this shell of a woman. She had a lovely life until about 12 years ago it started going down hill. I am alone no siblings and yes it is hard you give up your life, work, socializing. We do the best we can. Try to find someone you can talk to whether a friend or therapist that has empathy for your situation. Have a doctor evaulate her either for placement in an ALF or possibly a mild anti depressant if she needs one. I know many older folks won't even discuss mental health/depression issues but if that would make her less angry, mean and abusive and more pleasant to deal with and the doctor thinks it's appropriate maybe give it a try.
As far as your brother, he is an adult time to fly on his own. If your mom owns her home sell it, rent it- if she needs the money for an ALF or some care. It doesn't sound as if brother is capable of making decisions for your mom. If an ALF is out of the question due to finances as many are ridiculously priced $6-$8k a month here. You might try an Adult Care Home ..usually 2-5 adults cared for in a private home so no "facility" setting. Your mom could hopefully make friends and be around her contemporaries. About 1/3 of the price of ALF. Her doctor could also order home health to come in, paid by medicare at least you would have some help and eyes on the situation.Even a caretaker to help with chores, meals etc...Check your states AHCA site for a list of providers. Good luck and God bless you on this journey! Please take care of yourself! Remember there comes a point when you can no longer be the sole caregiver for her health and yours. Try to reach out for some help, see your mom when you can be at your "best" and try to recall the good memories you shared at one time!

First thing....Keep in mind this too shall pass. Second, get counseling. Trust me --while it cannot change the situation...it will radically alter the way you approach, cope and let it affect you. I realized after counseling that it was not my mom talking when things would get difficult..it was the illness, her age, the dementia. I was able to step back and realize that if I handled things properly I would and did get us through it. For me my faith was a tremendous help. I focused on all the love of the years before and knew that if I just took things one step and time, while focusing on my staying strong and healthy that it would all work out..and it did. Let go of the guilt of your thoughts...they are normal and natural. And focus on what a good person you are.....that you are facing trying times, but with support you will get through it.

I totally get where you're coming from, Hadnuff. I can't count the number of times I've thought the same things with my mom. Mine has dementia and some personality disorder issues, too. Plus she accuses my husband and I of outrageous things, gets hostile, screams at us at times. I often just leave then. My mom's doctor thinks she's OK, because my mom puts on a good show at the doctor's. I just leave and tell my mom I'll be there when she needs me, and to just call. I could do more, maybe, and do better, but after a while you have to live your life for yourself. There's a point where someone still has to be willing to be helped, and your mom, like mine, probably isn't there yet. Counseling, therapy, venting online, those can all help. Just don't beat yourself up for this. You probably don't want the mother you had 20 years ago to die, but the one who isn't quite herself anymore.

irishboy: it isn't about hate. When you are it and there is no one else and you are walking into another day of doing your best with someone who acts irrationally and takes out all their stress and frustration in life, it can feel hopeless. You see no end in sight and feel like you are stuck in a tough situation for possibly years to come. There are days when you head home exhausted and dreading having to repeat it the next day. And you can feel that way without being depressed or unstable. It is normal to feel that way and it doesn't mean someone is selfish. I'm just a little tired after 6 years taking care of both parents. I know I can't fix how my mom treats me, but there is no one else at all. And guess what, I still love her - someone in there is someone who deserves it.

deb0452, Sorry to hear you are in so much pain. Please talk to someone as soon as possible. The hate you feel can only hurt you. There is a good message on this blog called "F.O.G" please try and read it. You are in a dark place right now and I pray that someone will help you.

So Hadnuff, your mother is in her right mind and makes bad decisions. Are you POA? If you are not, then you have no responsibility if she falls and ends up in the hospital. If you are POA and she can't be reasoned with due to her mental illness, then perhaps it's time to resign as POA in an orderly fashion and let the state take over when and if something bad happens. The only behavior you can change is your own.

I hear you!! However, I mostly agree with Responsible1. The day before I was discharged from a mental behavioral unit for Caregiver Burnout, my psychiatrist asked me if I had thoughts of wanting my mother to die....I never really thought of it like that at all....I believe I ended up at the psych ward as an inward and outward response and it was my way to plead for HELP. I feel so exhausted all of the time and even the meds I take don't always help me. Yes, I too, feel like sometimes I just want to sleep until the whole situation is resolved. It is just me and sometimes my son who take care of her....She has terrible Dementia, COPD, CHF, severe arthritis, can't walk anymore, incontinence, legally blind, etc.etc......but she will not budge from her home to live in an Assisted Living Facility or Nursing Home. The house is technically hers even though she has a reverse mortgage on it, but as long as she is alive it is her wish to die in her home. Are you able to talk about your mother's condition with your brother even though he himself has some mental problems? If you can't don't worry there are many of us on here whose siblings won't even pick up a phone to call to see how their mother/father are doing. If your mother is still in her right mind, are you able to communicate with her regarding her feelings and what she truly wants? If she has Dementia, well, you probably won't have much luck as my mother can't remember one thing from the next. She only knows that she is staying put in her house. It is a challenge and I want to just run away sometimes but I have no where to go.....Financial problems can be a stressful issue as well as mother's health. I do belong to an Alzheimers support group, and hope it won't turn out to be cliqueish.......as the last caregivers support group I attended I found that 2 or 3 people in the group would dominate the conversation and I came out feeling more depressed than I did going in. God bless you and don't feel guilty, it is a very very very difficult time for you.

Hadnuff: I too have felt this way. Often. I am tired. I am the only surviving child and dad lives 90 minutes away. He's 86, drinks beer all day and has dementia. Since mom died in '97 my family has tried to help my dad. Yard work, house cleaning, and as he got older paying bills and all kinds of other things. He is a landlord so evicting dead beat users, making sure rents are collected and now that he puts the checks in the bank. Killing termites, killing roaches....it has gone on and on. My two brothers died and so now it is me. Everything falls on me.
I just bought a security camera so I can "look in on dad" when he is alone. I am thinking of spending more days a week with him but I have a 16 yr old at home who is on the Autism spectrum and we homeschool him.
Life is such a challenge and I (we, my husband is tired too) have been "helping" for so long. Dad has an acre filled with junk (cars, wood, metal, weeds: you can visualize it) and it is depressing to go there as it used to be so beautiful. So, I find myself "wanting this to be over" and then I realize that the only way for that to happen is for him to be dead. And I feel guilty and evil. In my heart of hearts I don't want him to die, like I said, I just want my life back.
But, the advice from others here is great.
You need to take time for yourself. I can't tell you how much I have worried about something that never happened. And so now I am trying to just let it go.
This weekend is a 3 day weekend and we are staying home. Our own home and yard is in dire need of attention too. But we never feel like doing anything at home because we have worn ourselves out at dad's.
So, try not to worry. Take one day at a time. Keep the phone contact to help relieve the wondering what's going on. And don't feel guilty. God bless.

TO: tryingtomakeit..

I AM IN AGREEMENT WITH ALMOST ALL OF THESE SUGGESTIONS TO YOU. HOWEVER, THE "COMMON DENOMINATOR" IS = TAKE CARE OF YOUR NUMBER #1 PRIORITY FIRST. ( THAT IS "YOU")!

YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF SAFETY AND COMFORT FOR YOUR MOM, BUT YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT IN THIS SITUATION! IF YOUR MOTHER HAS ENOUGH MENTALITY TO TAKE CARE OF HER PERSONAL NEEDS..SO BE IT. BUT IF YOU SEE THAT SHE NO LONGER CAN HELP HERSELF PHYSICALLY, THEN GET PROFESSIONAL HELP AND BECOME HER "CONSERVATOR" SO THAT YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL IN ORDER TO ADMIT HER INTO AN "ASSISTED" FACILITY WHERE THEY AND NOT YOU CAN TAKE ON THE BURDEN FOR HER CONDITION.

I WOULD LEAVE YOUR BROTHER ALONE AND HELP YOURSELF "FIRST". IT'S TIME TO BE VERY SELFISH IN ORDER TO GET YOUR LIFE ON AN EVEN KEEL"

GOOD LUCK,
SONNY

I have a very similar situation. My dad having passed and brother living with my mother. It is extremely difficult. My mother is one rigid ornery person. She can be sweet and then bam totally irrational and abusive. I have told her countless times when she is abusive and she does not hear a word because after all that is what they are abusive. Total kill Joys. I feel for you as i have no answers just be sure to take care fo yourself and know you have nothing to do with the stupidity of these people. It is very sad to wish that on your mom but trust me I know and its true its the problem you want to go away and it doesnt. You cant choose yoru parents but you can choose how you will feel about it and that it what I have done. In my dealings I have learned there are some very strange weak minded lost people in this world and sadly I know to many of them. Best of luck to you you will need it. This world is filled with broken people

Look you don't want to be bothered. Maybe your mother is a horrible woman, maybe you're also very selfish. Who knows?

Shamir hit the nail on the head.

I had wonderful parents, so I can't relate. Yes it was tough at times, but I would do it again, but if you hate the woman than get social services involved for an evaluation, and make it clear to them you have no intention of helping her.

Oh, believe me I totally understand how you feel, I never had a decent relationship with my narcissistic mother....she was constantly mad, critical, envious and verbally abusive to me...then she got dementia (alzheimers) and no longer knows who I am...either I'm her mother, sister (she never had one), doctor or the "nice lady downstairs" who does nice things for her but I'm never her daughter so now she's actually able to be nice to me...now that it just doesn't matter anymore. I also have the problem now of accepting the fact that my sister and I will lose all the money she wouldn't share ($75,000 +-) when we have to put her in a nursing home...Dr. said try to spend it but atty. said it has to be spent on her only and she just doesn't need anything....I could get a new car since I am her transportation but it would have to be titled in her name and I would pay the insurance....sounds good, right ? Not in Michigan, we have the highest auto insurance rates in the country..$176.00 a month (yes, MONTH) for a midsize Ford basic policy...and I have a perfect driving record !! That's actually more than a car payment...she could have done so much just a few years ago just by being nice. Yes, I totally understand how you feel.

I think it's good you are keeping your distance from your mom for now. Sometimes that distance helps in healing a relationship. You remind me when I would complain about my kids, my husband to God in my prayers and then I bought a prayer book from Stormie Omartian. One of the things it spoke in teaching me how to pray was to first look at yourself and pray instead, Lord change me. When our perspective is right and we catch our thoughts in our attitude, making them positive and a bit more empathetic, we will be a better around our parents and others. Try to forgive her and I would suggest praying the Word of God over her.. Who she is in Christ... healing, guidence, direction scriptures over her. You can buy bible promise books that are catagorized for different areas in our life that have appropriate scriptures. You can get them online or any Christian Book Store. I like the one by Joyce Meyer, called "The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word." It will do you and her much good. You may also want to look into hiring some in house help for her relieving you and your brother the feeling of the burden of responsibility. You could put an ad in a Christian Newspaper or look for one there. There are agencies too but they generally charge more. There are also adult day care centers you may want to look into. I just watched a special on TV (channel 2) on the benefits of belonging and going to these centers. You can call your county social servies for the elderly to help you in connect with more information. Whats important is for you both to get the support you need. God is there for you too. Bring all your cares to Him and prayer. Speak life...Holy Spirit life in everyones life. Remember Jesus died to give us an abundant life. We can channel that truth into someone elses life with His Word through avenues such as Godly music, church services, television/computer connections such as Day Star and TBN. You are not alone in your frustrations. I'll be sure and pray for you and your mother! Blessings for a good life filled with purpose to you and your mom/family!

It is my mother who wished she would die. I used to challenge her on it. I moved back 11 years ago from LA. Initially we put her back together. Multiple surgeries. Now she lives with me and has for 5 years. I have some limited help,
she has some money and I cannot place her in a Nursing home for 450$ a day and marginal care. I went part time, but cannot afford to do it any longer. I would be lying if I said, I never wished she would just die. We have taken great care of her and now after 11 years I need to take care of myself. She is finally on an antidepressant and also being treated for her failing thyroid. I am planning on moving south and taking her with me. Life goes on, she may live another 1-10 more years. My compromised life style has ended. So now she will go for a ride with me. I would certainly delay a move if she was unstable. So, now she is kind of excited to move in the next 11 months. She will die when her time is up and no sooner. I have to live my life and set myself up during my pre retirement years. Returning to work full time and living in a city that fills my needs. Her needs have become simple routine and custodial. I think we will be just fine. I am a better care giver for having the courage to unstuck myself. good luck

I had to stop visiting my parents on a regular basis to keep sane. It can bring you down so much. I had to put them in an ALF and they were not happy about it. They both have Alzheimer's. There is no common sense. I get them what they need but cannot have them over or go over to visit. So much has happened that I had to deal with but they cannot understand. It's the disease and I keep telling myself they can't help it in order to continue to do what I must. I have determined to respect them but will also distance myself when it's taking more of a toll on me than I can handle. I pray for strength for them and myself and I am getting through this. This has been going on for four years now so survival of Your Mind is most important if you are to be of help to them (your mom).

She's of sound mind and is responsible for her decisions. You are not. Do what you need to to keep your guilt in check. That's what I do. My mother's has always been deeply dependent on my dad who God love him, passes away nearly 12 years ago. Since then, she's transferred all her need on me. I feel like a walking corpse, drained of all life. Not fair that one person can and/or should do this to another. I don't want regrets so I do my "duty" according to my belief system. No matter how long this goes on for, I'm betting (hoping) that the time I have afterwards will outweigh the burden I feel now. I want that time to be guilt free. So as bizarre as this sounds, I'm doing this selfishly to protect my emotional health after all is said and done. Wish I was doing it out of the kindness of my heart and out of love but I'm not. It's a bitter pill to swallow and I feel for you. There are many of us in the same boat if that helps at all. And many of us share the same feelings. It's normal. Remember we're only human and we're asked to perform to some degree, a superhuman act. Life has changed dramatically, life expectancy has also changed dramatically and no one was prepared for what is happening now with caregiving that can go on and on and on. I stay very busy and work A LOT! Makes me less accessible.

Don't ever feel guilty about your thoughts. Easier said than done. I've been dealing with a dependent mother for almost 12 years. I'm an only child, terrible frustrated, depressed and hopeless. Bottom line is she's too old to change, I can't live with the guilt of abandoning her and I have to make the best of a horrible situation.
We didn't ask to be born or to end up as caregivers but we are. Don't let your mom take more of you or your life then is absolutely necessary. My mother's doctor told me I shouldn't feel ANY guilt at all, that if an elderly person is of sound mind, that they are responsible for their own happiness and life. They should not look to others to be of constant service to them. It's debilitating for the caregiver. The more you do the more she'll expect. Do whatever you need to do keep your guilt in check. I get it I get it I get it. I've made a decision to live with

You need outside help.

My mother does not have dementia!! She has been like this my whole life. She had a therapist that wanted me to come to a session with her. Mom said it was a waste of time because she was going to do what she wanted anyway. She has GAD, OCD, is negative, and ridged in her thinking. She also has let my brother rule her life for years. He has a personality disorder. A therapist called protective services when he slapped her a few years ago. She was driving him crazy when they were in the car going somewhere. They didn't do anything. A social worker told me they don't do anything unless it's a really bad case. He hasn't touched her since. He actually cares about her at some level. Her doctor asked me to try to talk mom into going into assisted living or nursing home a few years ago. Said she would be safer there. Mom wouldn't listen to her. And she couldn't force her into it. I tried mom wouldn't listen to me. She is managing by herself. But she should would be better off living in assisted living or someone living with her. Never going to happen. Her bad decisions. Her bathroom sink was broken. Of course, brother wanted to research sinks to get best one and install himself. Which takes time. She used plastic gloves going to bathroom and used kitchen sink to brush teeth and sponge bath. I threatened to come with plummer and buy sink and get installed. She begged me to give brother more time before I resorted to that. He did get sink put in six days later? Stove went up, she had toaster/convection oven so I wasn't so upset when she again said brother has to research and buy stove. Brother lives in subsidized apartment. She is afraid of him being kicked out one day and be homeless. Has signed legal papers so he can live in house after she dies. He is on SSI and food stamps. So for years she tries to spend as little money as possible to have enough money for paying house expenses after she dies. She is not rich or even close. My father had a slipcover business. He owned the building and a half house attached. Mom would not sell building after he died. Brother didn't want her to. A few years ago she tired to tell him that people weren't always paying rent and they were a lot of expenses. He said then raise the rent. Well there was a fire in the half house and people who fixed it didn't do it to code. Has to be done again. Not worth suing them. Won't get much and cost a lot. NOW she is trying to sell office building and half house. But no one wants it. They will have to spend lots of money to get house fixed up. I could go on for a long time. But I'll stop for now.

I understand this response, but just know Hadnuf, that my mom is in assisted living, but I feel like I do all the assisting!! Its not always the answer and won't make all your problems/issues go away. If you go this route, remember to still set boundaries, take care of yourself and live your life to the fullest. I have to remind myself of this.

You may not like this answer but:

Put her in assisted living then. For God's sake, if you hate the woman that much, she must have been a real "Mommy Dearest" to you when you were a kid! She's an old woman. If neither of you two sons can handle her, put her in a place where people can take care of her and everyone is at peace.

Wow..this hit home .mom has dementia , a colostomy bag. I have been living w her two year my disabled loser brother lives here as well I hate him for many reason but each time I have to clean up after him I build more resentment to my mom because she wants him to stay. He is capable of living on his own just free loader..60 plus years old..I have a full time job and in past 2 yrs living w mom caring for her my income has drop 20000 dollars several weeks I may only work 6 or 8 hrs. Mom can use a walker but I prefer wheelchair its easier on her..I'm baby of 8 kids sister loive hour and half way and its like pulling teeth.. I could ho on and on but I buried my aunt yesterday and I was almost jealous of my cousin who had been taken care of het mom. Then I thought bout it. Death is so final. Its not I want mom to go away it is I want the stress and drama to go away