How to cope with wishing your Mom would die?

I have a very similar situation. My dad having passed and brother living with my mother. It is extremely difficult. My mother is one rigid ornery person. She can be sweet and then bam totally irrational and abusive. I have told her countless times when she is abusive and she does not hear a word because after all that is what they are abusive. Total kill Joys. I feel for you as i have no answers just be sure to take care fo yourself and know you have nothing to do with the stupidity of these people. It is very sad to wish that on your mom but trust me I know and its true its the problem you want to go away and it doesnt. You cant choose yoru parents but you can choose how you will feel about it and that it what I have done. In my dealings I have learned there are some very strange weak minded lost people in this world and sadly I know to many of them. Best of luck to you you will need it. This world is filled with broken people

TO: tryingtomakeit..

I AM IN AGREEMENT WITH ALMOST ALL OF THESE SUGGESTIONS TO YOU. HOWEVER, THE "COMMON DENOMINATOR" IS = TAKE CARE OF YOUR NUMBER #1 PRIORITY FIRST. ( THAT IS "YOU")!

YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF SAFETY AND COMFORT FOR YOUR MOM, BUT YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT IN THIS SITUATION! IF YOUR MOTHER HAS ENOUGH MENTALITY TO TAKE CARE OF HER PERSONAL NEEDS..SO BE IT. BUT IF YOU SEE THAT SHE NO LONGER CAN HELP HERSELF PHYSICALLY, THEN GET PROFESSIONAL HELP AND BECOME HER "CONSERVATOR" SO THAT YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL IN ORDER TO ADMIT HER INTO AN "ASSISTED" FACILITY WHERE THEY AND NOT YOU CAN TAKE ON THE BURDEN FOR HER CONDITION.

I WOULD LEAVE YOUR BROTHER ALONE AND HELP YOURSELF "FIRST". IT'S TIME TO BE VERY SELFISH IN ORDER TO GET YOUR LIFE ON AN EVEN KEEL"

GOOD LUCK,
SONNY

Hadnuff: I too have felt this way. Often. I am tired. I am the only surviving child and dad lives 90 minutes away. He's 86, drinks beer all day and has dementia. Since mom died in '97 my family has tried to help my dad. Yard work, house cleaning, and as he got older paying bills and all kinds of other things. He is a landlord so evicting dead beat users, making sure rents are collected and now that he puts the checks in the bank. Killing termites, killing roaches....it has gone on and on. My two brothers died and so now it is me. Everything falls on me.
I just bought a security camera so I can "look in on dad" when he is alone. I am thinking of spending more days a week with him but I have a 16 yr old at home who is on the Autism spectrum and we homeschool him.
Life is such a challenge and I (we, my husband is tired too) have been "helping" for so long. Dad has an acre filled with junk (cars, wood, metal, weeds: you can visualize it) and it is depressing to go there as it used to be so beautiful. So, I find myself "wanting this to be over" and then I realize that the only way for that to happen is for him to be dead. And I feel guilty and evil. In my heart of hearts I don't want him to die, like I said, I just want my life back.
But, the advice from others here is great.
You need to take time for yourself. I can't tell you how much I have worried about something that never happened. And so now I am trying to just let it go.
This weekend is a 3 day weekend and we are staying home. Our own home and yard is in dire need of attention too. But we never feel like doing anything at home because we have worn ourselves out at dad's.
So, try not to worry. Take one day at a time. Keep the phone contact to help relieve the wondering what's going on. And don't feel guilty. God bless.

I hear you!! However, I mostly agree with Responsible1. The day before I was discharged from a mental behavioral unit for Caregiver Burnout, my psychiatrist asked me if I had thoughts of wanting my mother to die....I never really thought of it like that at all....I believe I ended up at the psych ward as an inward and outward response and it was my way to plead for HELP. I feel so exhausted all of the time and even the meds I take don't always help me. Yes, I too, feel like sometimes I just want to sleep until the whole situation is resolved. It is just me and sometimes my son who take care of her....She has terrible Dementia, COPD, CHF, severe arthritis, can't walk anymore, incontinence, legally blind, etc.etc......but she will not budge from her home to live in an Assisted Living Facility or Nursing Home. The house is technically hers even though she has a reverse mortgage on it, but as long as she is alive it is her wish to die in her home. Are you able to talk about your mother's condition with your brother even though he himself has some mental problems? If you can't don't worry there are many of us on here whose siblings won't even pick up a phone to call to see how their mother/father are doing. If your mother is still in her right mind, are you able to communicate with her regarding her feelings and what she truly wants? If she has Dementia, well, you probably won't have much luck as my mother can't remember one thing from the next. She only knows that she is staying put in her house. It is a challenge and I want to just run away sometimes but I have no where to go.....Financial problems can be a stressful issue as well as mother's health. I do belong to an Alzheimers support group, and hope it won't turn out to be cliqueish.......as the last caregivers support group I attended I found that 2 or 3 people in the group would dominate the conversation and I came out feeling more depressed than I did going in. God bless you and don't feel guilty, it is a very very very difficult time for you.

So Hadnuff, your mother is in her right mind and makes bad decisions. Are you POA? If you are not, then you have no responsibility if she falls and ends up in the hospital. If you are POA and she can't be reasoned with due to her mental illness, then perhaps it's time to resign as POA in an orderly fashion and let the state take over when and if something bad happens. The only behavior you can change is your own.

deb0452, Sorry to hear you are in so much pain. Please talk to someone as soon as possible. The hate you feel can only hurt you. There is a good message on this blog called "F.O.G" please try and read it. You are in a dark place right now and I pray that someone will help you.

irishboy: it isn't about hate. When you are it and there is no one else and you are walking into another day of doing your best with someone who acts irrationally and takes out all their stress and frustration in life, it can feel hopeless. You see no end in sight and feel like you are stuck in a tough situation for possibly years to come. There are days when you head home exhausted and dreading having to repeat it the next day. And you can feel that way without being depressed or unstable. It is normal to feel that way and it doesn't mean someone is selfish. I'm just a little tired after 6 years taking care of both parents. I know I can't fix how my mom treats me, but there is no one else at all. And guess what, I still love her - someone in there is someone who deserves it.

I totally get where you're coming from, Hadnuff. I can't count the number of times I've thought the same things with my mom. Mine has dementia and some personality disorder issues, too. Plus she accuses my husband and I of outrageous things, gets hostile, screams at us at times. I often just leave then. My mom's doctor thinks she's OK, because my mom puts on a good show at the doctor's. I just leave and tell my mom I'll be there when she needs me, and to just call. I could do more, maybe, and do better, but after a while you have to live your life for yourself. There's a point where someone still has to be willing to be helped, and your mom, like mine, probably isn't there yet. Counseling, therapy, venting online, those can all help. Just don't beat yourself up for this. You probably don't want the mother you had 20 years ago to die, but the one who isn't quite herself anymore.

First thing....Keep in mind this too shall pass. Second, get counseling. Trust me --while it cannot change the situation...it will radically alter the way you approach, cope and let it affect you. I realized after counseling that it was not my mom talking when things would get difficult..it was the illness, her age, the dementia. I was able to step back and realize that if I handled things properly I would and did get us through it. For me my faith was a tremendous help. I focused on all the love of the years before and knew that if I just took things one step and time, while focusing on my staying strong and healthy that it would all work out..and it did. Let go of the guilt of your thoughts...they are normal and natural. And focus on what a good person you are.....that you are facing trying times, but with support you will get through it.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time! Though I have felt some of your frustration. I think more at the elderly care community at large for lack of options or compassion. I know my mom can't help alot of what's happening- Alzheimers thus her refusal to do as asked for her own good..therapy,showering etc..but I try to remember the mom she once was, not this shell of a woman. She had a lovely life until about 12 years ago it started going down hill. I am alone no siblings and yes it is hard you give up your life, work, socializing. We do the best we can. Try to find someone you can talk to whether a friend or therapist that has empathy for your situation. Have a doctor evaulate her either for placement in an ALF or possibly a mild anti depressant if she needs one. I know many older folks won't even discuss mental health/depression issues but if that would make her less angry, mean and abusive and more pleasant to deal with and the doctor thinks it's appropriate maybe give it a try.
As far as your brother, he is an adult time to fly on his own. If your mom owns her home sell it, rent it- if she needs the money for an ALF or some care. It doesn't sound as if brother is capable of making decisions for your mom. If an ALF is out of the question due to finances as many are ridiculously priced $6-$8k a month here. You might try an Adult Care Home ..usually 2-5 adults cared for in a private home so no "facility" setting. Your mom could hopefully make friends and be around her contemporaries. About 1/3 of the price of ALF. Her doctor could also order home health to come in, paid by medicare at least you would have some help and eyes on the situation.Even a caretaker to help with chores, meals etc...Check your states AHCA site for a list of providers. Good luck and God bless you on this journey! Please take care of yourself! Remember there comes a point when you can no longer be the sole caregiver for her health and yours. Try to reach out for some help, see your mom when you can be at your "best" and try to recall the good memories you shared at one time!

I am kind of in the same situation, and understand what you are feeling. I often feel "stuck" because even though it is a blessing to take care of Mom, it is very much a burden when you have a mentally ill brother and you are basically alone. Don't feel guilty about wishing your Mom would die, it is a natural reaction to having your adult life hijacked by a needy parent. I agree with all of the answers and advise trying to get some relief by contacting your county agency to see if there are low or no cost options to get someone to watch your Mom for awhile, while you do what you want for an hour or so. The situation is difficult and it is natural for you to want it to end. I cope by trying to do the best I can.

the sad part is that although she was so hateful in the past when we could have had a decent relationship she's very nice now that she doesn't even know who I am......I never said I hate her but understand, she used to say she wished she could kill me...that's pretty hard to love

Unless there are copious assets, assisted living isn't doable. (Here, they are unimaginably high.) Be aware that government run home services have long waiting lists. To make certain you are not in line for a neglect call, get her on the waiting list fror EVERYTHING from your local state-run senior services. Her primary will have to fill out portions of the paperwork regarding ambulation, house-bound, etc. That may put her higher on the list for home-services; and then someone besides you and bro is on the front line. Apply for everything; the government doesn't always advertise what's available so ask many questions of many agencies. Get the ball rolling and let us know how things are going. Don't give yourself a guilt trip about the emotions. You are forgiven. Caregivers from the beginning of time have had those thoughts. Serenity prayer here again: do what you can, don't do what you can't, know the difference. AND: don't ever take anything personally.

She has too much money right now for aid. I do have a folder with info. for if she ever qualifies for anything.
I have a new question. How do I force her to get in home help to be with her for days when my brother isn't there. I just called her on the phone. There is two steps up from her bedroom to get into the living room. There is a banister to hold on to. She said that one leg goes up the stair fine. Having a lot of trouble today getting the other leg up the step. She has to get to the kitchen to get food. My brother left last night because of the weather. I told her I would help pay for someone to help her. That she could use someone there to help. She is talking about trying physical therapy, and didn't want to discuss having help. She try's to save every penny she can for my brother. Once she said that all a person is going to do is sit there until I need something. Don't want to pay someone for that. She rejected the idea of a volunteer also. She does have a woman to do laundry and light cleaning. Only cause she can't. And she only pays her about $13 an hour. But this woman works most other days for other people. So she isn't available other times. So is it possible when there is no one else but me to talk to her to force a helper on her?

When my 92 yr. old Mom gets abusive or sarcastic or just bitchy, I have a trick that seems to help....I look at her...say"Really?" put my hands in front of my face (palms facing her) ...turn and walk out of the room for about 5 minutes. When I return, if she says anything else that bothers me I repeat the process and walk out again. She has actually apologised a couple of times !!

You can refuse to go. You can say "mom, this is affecting my health. I can't risk getting hurt in the bad weather any more than my brother can. You have the funds to hire help. I'm not available".

It seems dreadfully unfair to me that she values your brother so highly without regard to what this does to you, or how it makes you feel.

Isn't the point of doing a Special Needs trust in order to qualify for aid?

I understand because I deal with it on a daily basis. I have to work 40 hours a week take care of the rest of my family and deal with my mothers constant battery. I also have to work in her Dr appts. The best you can do is remember you are not alone and any time you think that there is no need to feel guilty. We are only human and can take just so much. I believe the best option for me is I am going to have to put her in a nursing home. Good Luck to you.

Hi
I felt the same way about my mother. I didnt feel guilty about it. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have nice parents. My mother kept threatening to commit suicide and, at age 89, she did. She had outlived all acquaintances and I don't believe she ever had a friend or was a friend to anyone. My sister hung around long enough to inherit everything. I was never such a hypocrite. Your feelings are your feelings and you have , I am sure, earned them. Be kind to yourself.

If "she" your Mom has "too much money" have her primary ORDER IT; as she is 'housebound' and at risk. DO NOT offer to pay if she has the funds to do it. End of story. Who handles her bills? Does she pay them herself ? (my Mom is 92, and still does, but I have to supervise). No problem ! Let a paid provider handle it. All this disagreeing for help- but needing it - is a manipulator's way of setting you up for a guilt trip. She may not realize that that's what she's actually doing, but if she was 'cared for' then she'd have nothing to complain about. See? She evidently 'needs' something to complain about, or needs to feel needy, and unassisted. If problems were solved, there would be b=no reason for her to be UNHAPPY. (I deal with this connundrum daily.) Don't just call the primary doc: put it in writing, so you have a dated copy, and ask the doc to reply in writing what they suggest. CYA.

Our caregiver support group discussed this very issue a month ago. It is a very normal feeling, and we don't need to feel guilt. I like the suggestions.
Talking out any problems with others, and doing my best to care for myself helps a lot. Others, especially my husband, help to remind me when an issue is something over which I have no control, or in asking me, 'How important is it?'

I know how you feel. I am the youngest of eight children. I am 54 years old. Three of my sibling live out of state but 4 of them live close. My mom is 97. It was my choice to take care of my mom. She's been with me, my husband and until recently 3 grandchildren (now just 1) for almost a year. When I took on this responsibility mom was fairly good shape and her daytime caregiver had to quit. She probably didn't need to be staying by herself at night anyway. I just didn't realize how confining and stressful it was going to get. Her mental and physical health has really declined in this time. You can't leave her unattended at all because she really can't walk by herself. She falls and has been very fortunate that she hasn't broke any bones but the last fall really messed up her back which was bad already. So I didn't get to see any of my grandkids activities since last summer. I really feel cheated beca

I AM REPEATING SHAMIR'S ANSWER!

YOU HAVE DONE YOUR BEST! GET YOURSELF "DISCONNECTED" AND HAVE YOURSELF NAMED "CONSERVATOR " BY LEGAL MEANS. PUT YOUR MOTHER IN THE CARE OF PROFESSIONALS AND "GET ON WITH (YOUR) LIFE.

SONNY
Shamir
Give a Hug
11 hrs ago


FROM SHAMIR....You may not like this answer but:
Put her in assisted living then. For God's sake, if you hate the woman that much, she must have been a real "Mommy Dearest" to you when you were a kid! She's an old woman. If neither of you two sons can handle her, put her in a place where people can take care of her and everyone is at peace.

use my siblings don't help at all. I miss running around with my husband like we used to even if we had to take the kids. We have had hardly any time alone since we got married 24 years ago. From raising our own kids to raising grandkids. I feel like my life is passing me by. And then I think, "you asked for this." I would feel soooo guilty if I put her in a nursing home and she didn't get the best care. She is a sweet lady but is so unhappy on this earth because she is not able to do anything for herself anymore. So after all my venting, I think the same thing sometime but I feel guilty because I think that is selfish of me. I don't understand what my siblings are thinking not spending time with her and helping me when they see how stressful the situation is.

I saw my grandmother lose her memory, forgot her family, sat in a recliner all day with her hands folded in her lap, didn't talk anymore. I DO hope my mother doesn't live to 94, as gram did. If she needs a NH it will be a battle. (we are worried about her symptoms already.). Dementia started in about 2007, but at first I didn't recognize that her mind was going. I don't want mom to go away,
I want her to get better, not worse. Seeing a new dr. in a couple weeks, hoping there is more they can do. She doesn't know why she has to live in a retirement home, but isolates herself and her dog, doesn't socialize. Lonely life. Begs to get out of there. No place she can go but NH. I cannot bring her into my home!
She is too far gone for me to deal with that. I'm just following my instincts and trying to give her the care she can get without going into nursing home. She can't afford a decent one. So sad that she got in the financial shape when a few years ago she had $20,000. In savings. They Frittered it away trading cars and buying from Publishers Clearing House and other things I wasn't aware of to step in.
Just doing the best we can with financial help and hanging on to what she has left. God help us all with our battle with dementia/ALZ .

I'm with the person who suggested, write her doctor all her risks while living at home, and that you cannot care for her, and ask doctor to prescribe nursing home or AL placement. 100 years from now, you'll both be in Heaven and what will you both be feeling like for all Eternity? Money, is ttemporary. Your own life, what's left of it, is valuable and you need a chance to live a little. Your mom's already had her chance. At her age, the end is near, yes she still has life to live and deserves to have comfort--so why wait to check her into a facility, especially when there are funds available to pay it?

Hadnuff, please don't feel guilty about your thoughts, that's all they are just thoughts. None of us are any different and none of our thoughts are 'magical'. What we think does not happen, if it did there would be no illnesses, death or wars. I do agree with the others in that you need to take care of yourself first. If that means separating yourself from Mom for awhile, so be it! Do something good for yourself, go on a date someplace nice, do something YOU enjoy, feed your soul! Mom is living her life, you need to live your first for you and in doing that you will be better able to help yourself and then her. Blessings to you! Lindaz

It always surprises me how good the feedback is on this site no matter how complicated and difficult the question is. Thank you to everyone who follows this blog.

I have a situation similar to Hadnuff. I have been making my mother's life on her own possible for over ten years. She started to let go of her center after my brother was killed in an accident 12 years ago. She can't or won't do anything for herself and every month it gets harder. On top of that she is resentful and when I try to explain things to her she says, " Oh that's right, you know everything". I have no siblings now and she and I are stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of suffering. She refuses to go to assisted living and my husband and I are prisoners of her life. He is also caring for his father (97 years old) in ALF. It isn't fair and I find myself wishing she would move on to some peace.

BoodaGazelle raised an interesting question for me when she said you only have to do your duty to them and then live your life. How do we as caregivers know what our "duty" is. I am 66 years old and feel my good years are numbered.

It can be very stressful when we deal with aging relatives. Each of us have our own lives and our own stressors without adding more. While it's difficult, you need to let some things go, I know that's not easy. I am a caregiver too, so I understand how stressful it can be, especially when our loved one is 'stubborn' and set in their ways. Try not to worry about what 'could' happen and try to focus on the 'today', the here and now. So what if...what's the worst thing that could happen if your mom made this decision? Communication is the key, tell your mom that you are busy and don't have time for issues that come up after she makes certain decisions, that her decisions affect others. You don't have to be best buds, Talk to her about letting someone come into the home to assist her with bathing or house cleaning. Call your local Area Agency on Aging, they can give you info on several programs, including a caregiver support program. You mom could benefit from having someone come in to help out. If your brother is not receiving any type of help, he may benefit from some mental health case management/services including counseling. It could be your mom is afraid of aging and is in denial that she is getting older and physically declining. She may feel responsible for your brother's issues. If your brother is able, maybe you can help him set a schedule of tasks that need done weekly. this could ease the burden on you. You are not alone, there are many family caregivers that feel overwhelmed at times. I see many families that are not close, and that's ok, it knowing when to back off and when others can step in. Maybe your mom could benefit from some counseling too. An in home provider may be able to help take some of the burden. Take a step back, if your mom is capable of making her own decisions, then she should be capable of taking care of any issues that arise from those decisions.

Dizzie, please ask yourself what would happen if you died or became disabled? If you don't take care of you, you may become one of the 30% of caregivers who die before the people they're caring for do.

Stop enabling your mom. Stop explaining. "I'm sorry mom, but my doctor says I have to cut back on caregiving and stress or I'm going to have a stroke. We can figure out how to get your needs met together or you can hire a geriatric care manager to help you. Which would you like?" The only thing you can change is your own behavior.

I was very reluctant to admit to a therapist that I could see no way out of an ever-worsening situation except through my mother's death, and that I was frankly longing for it. To my surprise she just mildly said, "Well, I think you're right. Her condition is going to keep going downhill. Her personality disorder is such that she is not likely to make some emotional turnaround and stop being abusive to everyone around her in particular those closet to her like you and your siblings. Plus the personality disorder is now compounded by age-related dementia and the sheer fear that she's experiencing. And it'll all really only end when she dies. And yes, that will be a relief. You will, in fact, be better off, in the most basic sense. So there's nothing wrong with what you're saying. You're just expressing reality."