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Oh my gosh, as a caregiver myself (through an agency), it breaks my heart, that you would have to put up any crap, from a caregiver (with your poor experience, I would rename them, "caretakers" or remove the "care" & call them "takers)

Unbelievable, that you are dealing with this, ON TOP OF, caring for your mother!

Yes, go through an agency. SO many out there. I happen to work for a company called "Home Care Assistance". They have many locations. Hopefully, one in your area. I've been with them for almost 5 years now & they are a great company. They will have your back, on matching you with a caregiver, that not only should be reliable but caring! Putting the "care" back into "caregiver"

https://homecareassistance.com/

Please keep us posted, on this. I am so sorry, you have to put up with this.
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Here's another issue I'm going to bring up, although I doubt it is a reason based upon what you've said--is your mother easy to get along with, or is it in any way nasty or off-putting toward the hired caregivers? Does she have any form of dementia or personality disorder? Does she have any other issues, such as having a lot of incontinence "accidents"? I just want to rule out anything you might not have mentioned.
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So sorry you are having these problems. Here are a few suggestions:

1 - Get your caregivers through an agency. Yes, they cost a little more, but they are vetted through the agency before you interview them. Also, the agency can make sure to "cover" their absences and address any problems you have.

2 - Make sure you have your agreement with them in writing: mom's usual schedule, travel requirements, housekeeping... When they do agree to work for you, both of you need to sign the agreement.

3 - Make surprise visits home - do not give advance notice that you will be coming. This way you can make sure that they are doing the job you are paying them for. Let them know you may arrive unannounced before you hire them and explain "this should not be a problem for them since you know they will be doing the job they were hired for".

4 - Any complaints they have should be addressed to you or to the agency they work for - never your mom. Sounds like addressing your mom about issues is a big deal to you. Maybe you can talk to their agency that this might be considered a reason for dismissal.

My MIL has dementia and her caregivers were vetted through a home health agency. Her daytime aide was a gem and the other 2 were reliable. She now has a live in caregiver and that arrangement is working. I write this so you can know that there are good stories too.
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I live overseas and should be able to employ cheap third world labor and yet it’s exactly the same experience. CNAs or “nurses” are just as expensive as in America and they will not do ANY work besides “nursing.” I’ve had full time live in and pay for everything plus a salary and still the bare minimum is accomplished. I still do all the shopping, cooking, appointments and share a bedroom with my mother which means my part is 24/7. The worry the few times I managed to go somewhere. To come home and find things not done. My mother lost weight while I was gone because they did not feed her properly. Plus living with someone who is so annoying and inept is almost worse than just doing everything myself. I dramatically lowered my expectations- still!! I’m back to doing everything myself. The cost is my health but what to do? My sisters will put her in a Medicaid facility in the states and I realize I have no choice. It will eventually come to that. If it’s this bad and the employer is around imagine what’s happening when you are not there.
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What worked for us and for other families was hiring people who came through agencies or through referrals from families who had competent and caring help. Visiting Angels, as well as other independent care agencies made sure there was always someone that showed up. Even with outside help, a huge amount of time was still needed by a family member to be sure things were being done. My parents have both passed, but if I were to do things differently, I’d put in cameras and let caregivers know that it’s part of the job to be monitored for the safety and well being of those being cared for. Lots of childcare places have live streaming in the main rooms so you can see what is going on. Caregiving is NOT an easy job and anyone who is in it thinking that they can do nothing but the bare min. is not someone I’d want caring for me or a loved one. When my folks finally moved into a facility, it was a bit easier on me, but doctor appointments and other outings all fell on me still. Good luck to you.
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Sounds like caregivers at your home are duds. I have seen that "movie" when my wife was alive and I hired caregivers to come in. One of them was so lazy that she flopped down on the couch (lying down) before I even left to do my errands. Then I had others that were top notch. I spelled out in detail what I expected the caregiver to do when I interviewed them...My thought is, you can't be too detailed in spelling out (in writing) what the duties are, including the fact that when you come home from your errands/respite, you will check on what the status of those duties is. Water refilled? Mom in clean Depends, trash emptied, etc. Of course I also realized that I was not hiring a housekeeper, but just a caregiver....A few light tasks like fixing mom something to eat and putting the dishes into the sink, plus toileting and staying in the same room with her, are the type of tasks that I expected.

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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gdaughter Sep 2019
We had a care plan. It was ignored. I said nothing in the kitchen, the one time caregiver showed any initiative she cleaned the crumb tray of the toaster oven and scratched the front of the fridge...one agency person said my requests were well within reason (and listed /printed on the plan) and another said that wasn't their main role...as if my expectations for paying $20/hr for a 4 hour minimum were out of line.
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Are there other home care agencies available in your area? Agencies are not all the same. In our area the Alzheimer's Association provides a list of Home Care Agencies with some indications of services and prices and satisfaction ratings. Your situation does not need to involve Alzheimer's to get such a list. It might help you select a more reputable agency.
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gdaughter Sep 2019
That can work, and might not. I met with several of the "good/best" agencies and they are clueless about their "best" aides work performance. Clueless. Maybe it's atypical for a daughter to be so attentive and notice things. Satisfaction ratings can be self-selected. I was asked permission to be called by a 3rd party for a review and funny never got randomly selected...also was told if less than happy to let the agency know...and then I get put down for using the word "sh*tty" when describing the work results.
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Make sure you have a background check if you advertise.
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I am a care giver. I am a retired 68 year old women. This is not acceptable in any way what so ever. I try someone older, more reliable. We have been around the block a few times.
Be happy they are gone.
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I would stop asking the caregivers to take Mom to her appointments. I am also an only child and Mom lived over an hour away. It took a lot of juggling but I was able to schedule her appointments so that I could take her and not burden anyone else. I applied for FMLA with my employer and we could usually get at least two appointments scheduled for the same day. Most of the time I could get them on a Monday so I’d already be there for the weekend and then off we’d go. Her Primary Care was in her town so that was easy but any specialist was another hour north. Most of the time she was up for the adventure and we’d grab lunch somewhere or go to a mall between appointments. Her weekday caregiver did take her out for a walk around the local grocery store (I did most of the shopping) or Kmart. If she needed a blood test that was at her PCP so they would go there while I was working. 

Contact your local Aging Agency and see if they can assist with some of her care needs through one of their programs. Her cost for care through them would be based on her income. Is there a local day program she can attend? It would get her out and get some socialization and give you a good block of time that you do not need a caregiver. You may also be able to schedule transportation for her through the local Council on Aging. They may also offer Caregiver Support so that you can have someone to talk to and they can offer resources to help you deal with caring for Mom.
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My family experiences the same issues. Lack of work ethic runs rampant but after many phone calls to the agency and trying many different caregivers we now have 3 caring people. It is a problem when one calls off but that isn’t often anymore. Hang in there and don’t give up. Find someone at the agency who is compassionate and understands the problem. You are your mom’s advocate now as she probably was for you as a child. There are good people out there...sometimes you just have to keep looking till you find them. God bless you!
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Thank you Indigo for venting. I feel you have spoken for many of us. The pool of responsible, caring, hardworking, caregivers is very small. Most are flakes, and looking for an "easy" job. Actually I was hoping some of the answers would help me. Do you advertise for help or hire through an agency? What state do you live in?
Try advertising. You can compose your own needs in the ad copy. this should discourage undesirables. I do believe this is a national crisis that our government does not care about. Have you ever heard of any political candidate speak about elder care needs? There are thousands of us just like you suffering through "caregiver hell." As in hiring nannies for kids from Europe, I believe we should be able to hire caregivers from Europe or other countries, but that's another story.
Have you made a list of your and you mom's needs? This is valuable in eliminating undesirables., and have a prospective caregiver read and sign it like a job application/contract. This shows that you are very serious and also shows a prospective hire, you consider their work as important with integrity.
I have been through several caregivers. It is so discouraging to review the respondents. My suggestion is to stay away from young ones. address in your ad that they must speak good clear English. Try to think of anything you can offer in addition to pay, like a room, meals, a quarterly bonus, anything you can think of.
I feel your pain, and hope some of your answers give me some ideas as well.
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gdaughter Sep 2019
I believed using an agency would be easier in that all the paperwork, taxes, background checking etc was done...but the low quality help and work has made me realize the exhaustion of interviewing might be the better way to go. The only problem is, we don't have the budget for much either. All I can say is if you are hiring privately to be very cautious and pay to have a criminal background check done. Some people and agencies think it is okay to have 10 driving offenses and not be concerned. Some of the people I think are as said here, looking for easy work. Maybe in a welfare to work program. I feel for them...but there is no pride in a job well done.
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Thank you for posting! I have been going through the same thing for 20 years with my disabled daughter. I'm a single mom so it's the only way I can leave my house. I fear it will never get any better. Not until there is some type of supervision and accountability of the caregiver/aides. I would be open to cameras in my living room & kitchen, monitored by the agencies making all the profit. Random visits and calls to see what aides are up to. But integrity and character seem nonexistent. Hang in there. School may have to wait. Mom may have to go to a nursing home. You are not alone and have helped lift my spirits today, as I now know others deal with my same frustrations.
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gdaughter Sep 2019
When I got fed up, when I finally realized I was accommodating the agencies needs in re to scheduling and not mine, when it was generating, at this time, more stress and grief, in stead of relieving it, I called the agency to cancel. Very well-trained phone person on hearing this took the cable company approach...oh wait, let me get someone to help...someone for you to speak with. Our regular contact was on vacation. So, to describe the situation succinctly I called the service we had received ....SH*TTY. BECAUSE IT WAS. Not the person...but her work. And it just came out because I held in how angry and frustrated I was with the poor work and even the damages. These people are slick...The top 3" edge of a dresser was dusted...it was visible that the rest was not...so if the person were asked if she dusted the dresser, the answer was yes....Anyhow the agency person turned the issue to ME and diverted it all to how SHE would appreciate it if I would "watch my language." No one has really apologized and I feel very ripped off and it is a relief to be rid of them...and this was one of the "good" agencies. They are clueless as to what goes on, and they exploit exhausted family and take advantage of dementia patients...is something missing? So and so must have hidden it...broken it...I strongly believe we must have a training program with different levels of training and pay that goes along with that, and constant updated background checks which MUST be provided to anyone hiring people.
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Go through an agency. Then the agency will be responsible to deal with these situations and take some pressure off from the family.
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Ytenant Sep 2019
Agencies don't care. They ignore you if you complain too much. Worried only about making money.
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Definitely use an agency to find reliable help. Call your local hospital and ask to speak to a Geriatric Manager. That person will recommend a trustworthy agency. Also ask your Mother's doctor for a recommendation. The doctor probably sees lots of patients with Care Givers. Don't give up hope !!
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disgustedtoo Sep 2019
Funny, I see comments often recommending these people. The one who was recommended to us never even called back. Guess I was lucky and got the relative of OP's caretakers! Even if she was overbooked, retired, ANYTHING but dead, it would be common courtesy to at least return a call with some kind of excuse to beg off.
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I never could find a caregiver that could take my mom to appointments. When I asked they said the agency would not let them. Probably a legal thing. When I have taken MIL to doctor years later, I have seen patients with caregivers that are not family. I hope you keep trying with an agency so you can find someone who is a right fit. I ended up being a 24/7 caregiver because of incompetence.
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gdaughter Sep 2019
It's a liability thing with the insurance...it's a nightmare. We just had a major discussion of this within our office. While the agency I personally used for my mother it was allowed, the person could use the client's car (do you want these people who are so inept driving YOUR car? I think not...) or drive the client in their own and get paid mileage....In our office situation we do not allow it. Our staff do not drive clients anywhere and clients may not drive our staff and it doesn't matter whose car...but our employee's own insurance company was going to hike her rate for the business she was doing and they could not comprehend the situation: basically that our staff person was driving alone to someone's home for a shift, and possibly going, on her own, to run an errand at the grocery or similar. It was a significant rate increase and especially wrong in light of the too low wages these staff get paid to begin with.
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Where did you find your hiring pool? I found a great Saturday person from Care.com. Then the Community care program we work with referred 2 different agencies. I chose one and they are okay. Sometimes I’ve had a replacement person call out but the agency sends a replacement. They never call me and I don’t have to deal with scheduling. Once they had a no show (I think the agency forgot to schedule someone when our regular person had a day. When u find someone good it will be a blessing but it might take a bit to get there. If one agency can’t accommodate you with one consistent person find another agency.
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gdaughter Sep 2019
My experience with Care dot com was less than desirable. The people showing up to pick from were already working for others and could not take any more on and it was like bait and switch. PLUS you had to pay for access and to communicate with them was an extra cost...and even then they may not be responsive.
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Indigo ...stop letting them leave early! You set the precedence of their poor behavior. Also, its fraud. You can be held accountable for lying on their paperwork! Its illegal and your mother will lose her benefits.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2019
Again "She isn't hiring through an agency AND they are private pay, NOT Medicaid."
In addition, if she is hiring privately, and CHOOSES to let them go home with pay, that is HER choice. When I was working a regular job, there were times we were "allowed" to go home with pay (bad snowstorm, extended power outage, etc.) The employer can choose to be magnanimous without it being fraud, especially when no government or other agency is involved in the process.

Personally I would appreciate OP as an employer and would go the extra mile. The problem is that many people just don't have a good work ethic, whether you set precedence or not.
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They are allowed to continued employed because you say nothing to their employers. Its fraud if medicaid is paying. You MUST speak up. I went through 5 aids in 8 months. Some never showed up. One was so racist that she abused my dad. That was her last day. One was told to leave by me because he was showing up and on his phone for an hour. Finally, I gave up. I got my certification and I now get paid to do the work I was already doing. I have cameras throughout my house and I am home when aides come. They know there are cameras but dont seem to care. Side note: I filed a formal complaint with both Medicaid/Medicare about fraud. The case was closed without investigating. I was given my certification when my agency certified I received the state required 70 hours of training. I only received 40 hours. Again...fraud. no one seems to care including the feds who allegedly oversee the process. The system is a scam. Plain and simple. I know I am not HELPING but if you know the system doesnt work, even from the top, then you will know ypu may need to seek other alternatives of assistance.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2019
She isn't hiring through an agency AND they are private pay, NOT Medicaid.
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A good agency will have backup when the caregivers "call out". I would switch agencies. I think it is not just care workers who seem to have a bad work ethic, but then I am aging; so that is likely my problem. I have reached the "Things aren't like they were in MY day" stage.
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
Im about to turn 65 in a couple of months and i see it the same way....things ARE NOT like they were in my day either!! Some days i just dont know what this world is coming to.....
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My mom had caregivers in her home for 3 years, 24\7 365 days a year. There are bad apples for sure & there will always be issues, even with a professional company.

Find people that DESPERATELY need to work. Then make sure you pay them more than they’d make anywhere else. The ladies that took care of my mom were not CNA’s, but almost all had experience taking care of sick/handicapped/dying family members. They were paid more than if working in a nursing home, and we let them decide among themselves their schedule. They liked that flexibility. If one calls out at the last minute, offer another worker a “bonus” if she can come in on her off day.
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Indigo108 Sep 2019
Thanks for your suggestion. So far I haven’t really met anyone desperate, most in my area have a very casual attitude no matter what the experience level.
I think a little of my frustration comes from the fact that they are paid above what normal agency’s pay, plus I do give paid sick days/vacation days which agency’s don’t do. Often have let them leave early, but paid them for whole shift. Always remember their birthday and if I’m at the market and see a sale on some snack they like I always bring something for them.
Recently I spoke to a friend who works at an opticians office and she gets paid less than moms caregivers and doesn’t even get paid days off. So I feel I really am trying to go above and beyond to show how much I value their help and they don’t even really acknowledge it all.
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I read your previous posts, and I'm curious. You've been taking care of your mother since you were 19, and you are now 35. How old is your mother? Is it the plan that she will live with you for the rest of your life? Are you okay with that?

What is her financial situation? If her insurance pays for the caregivers, will this insurance also pay for a facility?

Do you have any siblings?
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Indigo108 Sep 2019
Thanks for responding and reading my posts. Sorry if I seem to be a complainer, I am trying to process everything and not doing to well with stress.
Mom is 66, 67 this year.
Yes, in the past the plan was that she would always live with me. I would get a house or duplex and she would have like a bedroom on first floor, so all on one level for her and I would have a private upstairs space kind of arrangement.
Part of going back to school/hiring caregivers was to give me space to get into a higher earning bracket to make this happen. So I would have a future and could help her. Over the past 2 years so much negativity has happened that I’ve been thinking this won’t be possible anymore.
Our household financial situation is not good. We have to pool resources in order to make it, so I can’t just leave and if she leaves before I am able to get a good job then I will not be able to afford to live on my own with student loan payments etc.
There is a lot more to our financial situation, but that is the brief version.

I am an only child.

Yes the insurance will will pay for a facility. Mom will absolutely not go and legally there is nothing I can do about it. Honestly, the Medicaid facilities are the only places her insurance will cover. She will have to share a room. I have seen and heard stories about these places in my area and they seem to do way more harm than good.
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It's always going to be difficult to find good workers in jobs that are low pay, low education. Not many people are willing to put in a whole lot of effort for a job that doesn't significantly reward the effort, especially if the job isn't interesting, there are no colleagues to chat to, and the nature of the work is unpleasant.
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Ytenant Sep 2019
Pay us above minimum wage. They get to work in the comfort of my home. The problem is integrity. Its non existent.
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Trust me I believe everything you say, so please don't be offended by my thoughts on this. It seems to me that you have had so many bad experiences now with carers, it has infected your attitude so it's got to the point you unfortunately paint everyone with the same negative brush and you have lost hope. You basically now feel that all carers carers are lacking (and you're probably close to right - but i want to let you know that there are still some very good dedicated ones out there). Maybe some of these carers you have employed even resign because their relationship with you is not a happy one? I know it is so difficult when the statistics bare out that most of them probably are lacking - but you could possibly be cutting off your nose to spite your face because you have developed this attitude that makes it difficult for you to trust - and I'm sure the carers pick up on that. I really think you need to have a fresh attitude when you interivew (easier said than done), if you can, and don't tell them about your negative experiences with carers in the past. Lower your expectations too - so you won't be disappointed. It's good to be more realistic. Hopefully an angel will arrive soon! They are out there.
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Indigo108 Sep 2019
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Part of why I’m so hurt about this situation is that I actually wasn’t bitter or pre-judging. After the past bad experiences I went into the hiring process this time with a new plan. I really sat and looked at what worked and what didn’t about the past and created a new care plan for mom with specifics etc. I felt clear communication had to be extra important this time, no confusion about responsibilities. I really put a lot of time over the summer into communicating with these caregivers and got along well with them. I trusted them and felt relieved that we had finally found some ‘good’ ones and made sure I acknowledged all their positive behavior etc.
I have really been thinking if I or mom did something to put them off, but really I think it was the job itself. Everyone was happy bumming around the summer. Over the summer things were more flexible, but once the school year started timing was more important and they didn’t want to be held accountable for anything.
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