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This past Easter our family was invited to my sister’s for a gathering. My daughter and her 11 yr old son attended too. My sister and her daughter thought it would be nice to present all the kids that attended with a handmade Easter basket with goodies. They completely left my 11 yr old grandson out. When my grandson (being just a kid) asked my sister why he did not get anything, she immediately went off the deep end and turned herself into the victim. After it was time to leave, she pretended to be nice and we said our goodbyes. She did not call or text me for a whole week, despite my unanswered texts. When she did call me after a week, she blew up and told me she felt she was being bullied. I was shocked to say the least… but the conversation kept on going where she eventually said she was sorry for not including my grandchild with a basket or any other type of goodie. But she kept saying nasty things about him.. which I was feeling my blood starting to boil. But it started to get late, so we said goodnight and I followed up with a telephone call a couple days later because I could not just leave it that. I felt I needed her to know how much she had hurt my feelings about my grandson, well this just took it to another level, because I never made her understand that she hurt my feelings. So with that, she told me she was done and never wanted me to call her again. So it’s been going on four months without speaking, and just a few days ago, she blocked me on social media. So it’s over and I am trying to cope with it. We were very close sisters and it feels like I’m going through a death in the family. It’s just very sad and I’m always thinking about it… like could’ve, should’ve…

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My dysfunctional extended family often went months (even years) with the silent treatment and then suddenly all was forgiven and the past never mentioned so you may very well reconnect at some point but if that time comes you should be prepared. When people melt down like your sister did there's often a back story - I think it's time for some deep soul searching about your previous relationship with your sister, was it really as wonderful as you think it was or in reality was it very one sided where you were content to let sister be the leader and everything was perfect as long as she got her own way?

And seriously - I think those of you saying an 11 year old should have zipped his lip and graciously accepted being excluded are delusional. There are many ways the child could have been buffered from this but seemingly nobody felt any need to make the effort at all, there is no way this wasn't a deliberate slam.
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But please if you write a letter don't put a "but" in there. It ruins anything you are trying to accomplish. Actually, I would not even bother.

I really don't know how you are going to mend this because I think your sister needs to apologize. She flew off the handle blaming you for something you had no control over. I don't think your grandson was asking for a present he was just wondering why he wasn't included. I have been in his shoes and its embarrassing to be left out and I was an adult. And the person knew I was bringing my Mom and would be staying. Everyone down to the 1 yr old child got something but me. I even got a sympathetic look from the MIL. Like she couldn't believe my SIL didn't give me something.
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I, like you, cannot understand the sudden change in a fine woman who has never been this way before, and who you shared a strong life bond with. I think you may have met that Waterloo in live where you must understand that there is sometimes no resolution and no understanding of something, and that you should move on with your life. You have done nothing wrong. And she doesn't understand how ugly her actions were/are. There's really little left to say. I hope you have other wonderful family members and friends to fill the gap. I believe, were I you, I might send one last brief note saying just that, nothing more, and saying that she knows where I am should she ever want to resume the loving relationship you had your entire lives. Full stop. I would then go on with my life without her; as she stands, there is little lost in being shed of her. I wouldn't speak about it or rehash it over and over. It does no good, and does a great deal of harm to do so.
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You feel like you're going through a death in the family because it is sort of like that. You and your sister were close and now don't even speak.
None of this is because you did anything wrong. You didn't.
If your sister accidently overlooked one of the kids for an Easter basket, she certainly could have covered the mistake instead of making him feel bad in front of everyone.
Like giving him a $20 bill or something and telling him he gets the special gift. Some people can't think on their feet fast like that though. She was probably super embarrassed to have forgotten one kid and rather than apologizing sincerely for the mistake, turned her embarrassment into anger and projected it onto you.
Once again, not your fault.
If she refuses to take your calls and blocked you on social media, write her a good, old-fashioned letter.
Get some paper and a pen and write down exactly what you think and feel then explain how much she hurt your feelings. Stick a stamp on it and put it in the mailbox. Then wait. If she contacts you at some point and probably will, then great.
If she doesn't then wish her no ill and put it out of your mind.
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Personally, I would ignore her and enjoy other people in your family or your friends. Life should not be spent worrying over silly recriminations. Quilt, crochet, read, go for walks, etcetera and smell the Roses.
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All she had to do was apologize to the child. It was an oversight? She may have just been think nieces and nephews and forgot all about the grand-nephew. It happens. Embarrassing but it happens.

So sorry this has brought a wedge between u and sister. Maybe give it time and things will work out.

My daughter always makes xtra just in case a child shows up that she forgot or someone just brought along.
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Countrymouse Jul 2021
It especially happens when the child wasn't specifically invited and the hostess didn't know he was coming - the OP hasn't said so, but reading between the lines it's my guess that something like this happened. Your daughter is wise to make extra for contingencies but not everybody is so far-sighted.

I personally happen to think that 11 is quite old enough to know that it's very bad manners to ask for a present. Of course he might have wondered why he hadn't been included, but you don't march up to your hostess and demand to know the reason.
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What do you think upset your sister?

"She turned herself into the victim, she pretended to be nice, she kept saying nasty things..." - throughout your post, you make your sister the villain of the piece. I don't see that you've given much thought to *why* she reacted as she did to the Easter basket incident.

So. Why?
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2021
Countrymouse,

You're absolutely right about 11 being old enough to know good manners and that you don't just go up to the hostess and demand an explanation for why you don't get a gift.
This had to have been super embarrassing for the sister to get called out like that by a kid in front of everyone, so she got angry. Then turned the anger on her sister who didn't do anything wrong.
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It sounds as though your sister did have some trouble with your grandson, though making it so pointed was not nice. Can you leave it for a while, and perhaps try to find out what the actual problem was? Perhaps your niece might be able to help. OK, this is not an ‘aged care’ issue, but staying on good terms in the family is going to be helpful when you do face the ‘aged care’ time!
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This is a caregiver forum. Do you care for sister or someone else that you would like to discuss a topic regarding their care?

Or, I tell you what, there are a few threads on here that you could post your question in. Threads to post on, On my mind, My whine moment today, what’s yours? and another is called General Topics. Do a search for them. People post on all sorts of topics there.

I hope the situation with your sister improves and your relationship can be restored. Maybe you can write a letter to her. Be as loving as you can, expressing how much that your relationship with her means to you. Best wishes to you.
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