How to cope with feelings of guilt due to occasional moments of impatience/frustration?

Frustration and impatience are so much a part of care taking. It is good-hearted of you to even recognize this in yourself and want to reduce it!

Some of your frustration comes from your inner sadness that your mother is declining. It is much harder to accept in our own parents or spouses decline than it might be if this was a stranger. You would likely tolerate more dependence if she were not your own mother.

If it helps, you can keep in mind how you would interact with someone needing this level of care if she were someone unrelated you were assigned to and it is your task to help her be as safe and comfortable as possible.

Hang in there. Keep giving it your best even though it hurts your heart to see your mother becoming more frail.

Just have compassion for her and yourself . My Mom was Falling for years - I couldn't Understand it till I realized she Hoarded mountains of stuff and was tripping Over her magazines . Also she slept a Lot - There wasn't Much I could do . My Father started having random Falls too ? I couldn't Understand it - he would say " Karen I was on the back steps and I fell off 5 steps from 4 feet high " and then he fell off the back steps and His Bicycle . Or I would come home and he was covered in Blood from using Power tools and cutting himself and not using a Band aid . You are Young - 41 - my sons age . It has taken me a lot of work to understand dementia . The Illness had me Baffled . I could Not figure Out what was going on with My Mom ? The term dementia was never used . They used Inability to thrive but In retrospect it was dementia . Loss of taste and smell , Making up stories , giving me dirty Looks for no reason ..... Frustrating . With My Dad I Noticed it quickly that something was off and he worsened Over the next 7 years . Take a Deep Breath . You're Lucky you have other people caring for them. Getting Old Happens and you need a Lot of empathy , compassion and Patience . Everyone does their best . I did a Class at Upaya Zen center Last weekend on Love and Death - there is a Zoom Link and you can Pay by donation or what you can afford . All the classes are recorded so you Can Go back in and watch the recordings . A Lot of courses are for Caregivers . Take care of yourself . I encourage you to learn - Knowledge is Power . Also a sense Of community . I never thought I would go thru what I have the last 8 years .

There are days like this and its normal to feel this way. Just don’t beat yourself up about it. No good comes of doing that.

It also sounds like your mom needs more help now. Maybe it is time to hire someone for the afternoon and evenings.

Change the way you think about your mom. She needs more help because of her mobility issues and her cognitive issues. Both are health issues that come with aging and not a sign of imminent death. Since there are others that help her as well, approach your times with her as times to "visit" with both parents and "help." Try to remember that your instructions to her are not commands but encouragements and/or instructions in your efforts to assist her. Remember that she will have good days and days where she has less strength or ability. On those "other than good" days, drop your expectations and go slow on everything. At the end of the day, try to remember at least 3 good things that happened. Balance your efforts in caregiving with self-care efforts: outings with friends and family, vacations, tending your needs...

Guilt is a knee-jerk reaction programmed into us since childhood. Allow it to be and it will allow you to be. It doesn't compensate for what made you feel guilty nor will it make you a better person.

If on the other hand, you wish to develop more patience, there are ways to go about that.

My Mom is similar to yours, yet not similar. My Mom is incontinent most of the time and definitely in the middle stages of memory loss. She can still talk with me, however, the conversation is no more than 2 question/answer pairs on the same topic. She can feed herself and use fork and spoon, and maneuver chopsticks (surprises me!)

If I wake her up from a nap and she attempts to walk before she is fully cognizant, her legs really truly do not remember to walk. They might take 2 steps, then dead weight/crumple. I've waited 5 minutes after waking her up...and it might be 4 steps then dead weight/crumple. If she wakes up on her own, it still takes a full 5 minutes before her brain is able to fully function, even though she insists she is okay. However, she is more able to stand up and "walk".

We do exercises nearly every day. If I don't exercise her to do some "continuous walks," she is unable to get out of the chair to a standing position and stay upright and take that first or second step. However, after a few attempts, she is able to do this. Its almost as if we have to invoke "muscle memory" to get her to stand up and be balanced.

My mother is incontinent and has almost no ab muscles. However, the little bit of walking and standing that we do, is enough for her body to remember how to get in/out of a wheelchair and how to walk.

If everything else is okay with your Mom, then her ability to not walk does not mean the end is near. I've seen people in my Mom's MC floor, easily live a full year after being completely bedridden.

One other thing: I've noticed that my Mom's dementia symptoms come and go all the time. Every day is a new day....

I know the feeling.. we are all humans.. and remember that you can always cheer her up afterwards..
My advice is that would go more for spiritual consoling/practice as this is - in my views - the best way to survive these tough moments!
My prayers..

Dani82: I am very sorry that your mother apparently suffers from dementia and an advanced stage of it. She may indeed rally for short periods of time. Prayers sent.

People with dementia may experience physical decline, it may not just be "feelings" of collapsing legs. I think of it like the brain is getting 'unwired.' This also happened to my mother, and she lost her ability to walk. Her dementia was so advanced that she could not learn how to use a walker. She was in a memory care unit, and they ordered a wheel chair for her (medicare will pay for this if prescribed by a nurse or doctor). Her legs got so weak that she needed assistance transfering from the bed to the wheel chair. You may need to get more assistance for her as her mind and health decline. Try to take it day by day, and accept where she is at the moment. I found that I had to keep lowering the bar with my mother. Please don't feel guilty about becoming impatient. We are human, after all.

First, remember that we are humans and, therefore subject to moments of impatience or other perfectly human experiences. Do not feel " guilty"; instead recognize that most likely you are feeling " regret". We all regret moments that if relived we might say or do something differently. " guilt" usually refers to having actually done something wrong. While yes, we all can continue to improve on things like patience, the reality is that fatigue, long term caregiver exhaustion,and many other factors known and some unknowns, like ' what's next', is death from life nearing', ' etc all , grief( past, present, anticipatory) all may contribute to being impatient.
Get spiritual, emotional counseling for yourself to assist you throughout this unrelenting and loving but exhausting journey and the grief it brings. Do not best yourself up. Practice self care with appropriate exercise, nutrition, rest etc. And remember , regrets are usually the right category to put short responses etc in, not the heavier word, guilt.

Hi. Occasional impatience and frustration is normal. My own got much better when I fully accepted in my heart the situation. I think unconsciously I was resentful, and thought the situation would not be so hard it would get better and of course it eventually just got to be more work. So I think I let go of my unconscious desire that things would go well today and there weren’t going to be any problems because I was going to be on top of it and do everything just right. A little bit of foolish self talk now that I look back on it. I changed my attitude and accepted that I am here and I’m living each day, one day at a time, and come what may I will deal with it.

When I had my moments, I would talk to myself why I was impatient that moment, confess the truth and forgive myself and think of how it might be better next time and let it go.

I don’t believe in gait belts. I find them awkward and useless, potentially dangerous because if you grab it when someone’s falling i think there’s a chance you may actually causing injury and bruising. Of course that is using it incorrectly, but what does one do when they panic?

when my Mrs. lost her ability to stand and started to fall I just gently helped her go down and so she would not get hurt. Then I can figure out what to do. Once when she was moving from the shower to inside the bathroom that happened and God helped with all the strength I had to prevent injury. that was the last time she got a shower, it was bed baths after that.

Sounds like you got a good amount of help, not all people do. I do agree with someone else. She probably needs 24 hour supervision to prevent falls.

You are working this out with your brain, and your message to us tells us you are weighing everything. Try not to expect too much of yourself. You already KNOW that your Mom's struggle is not something she is in control of; you have told us so. But knowing something intellectually and being able to control your feelings that these changes just "must not/CANnot be happening to the person you love" is two different things.

You aren't a god; you aren't in a state of perfection. We are all human with human frailties and limitations, and it's a kind of hubris to think we can raise above the fray and always act with perfection. We all take ourselves to task all the time for our failings if we are decent and good people struggling to do right, and we are OK with that. But when we let down our parents it stings like needles.

You are doing fine. Try to be easier on yourself. You are all trying to do what you can. Do also know that frustration and depression OFTEN manifests as anger. Flashes of instant anger that can make us question who and what we are. You are already working this out in your head and I have complete trust in your doing so.

Good luck, guy. I am sorry for all that all of you are going through. This is one difficult passage for everyone. Try always to insert humor into it.

At the last moments of her life my mom struggled to tell me the old adage "I may not have been as good as I SHOULD have been, but I was a good as I COULD be". The words, the saying was going south in every way there was due to her frail weakness and her mind reeling. Finally she let out a gentle laugh and she softly said "Ohhhhhh. YOU know what I mean", and our last moments were a gentle laughter of understanding. I would bet your Mom understands, too.

What is your father doing in all this? My DH is 76. He washes his own clothes. He is capable of stripping beds and washing the sheets and towels. He can get himself something to eat. He runs the vacuum. Unless your Dad suffers from health problems, he should be caring for Mom. Brothers living in same building can be doing more. Are you the girl so its expected of you to do more?

Does Mom suffer from diabetes? If so she may have neuropathy in her ankles and feet. My Mom did. Nothing Mom can do about that. And trying to tell her to be careful is falling on deaf ears. Also her Dementia could be causing the problem of falling. My Mom was in a wheelchair the last 5 months of her life. With neuropathy, there is no knowing its coming on, you just drop like a bag of potatoes.

Hi Dani - I think you're getting really great feedback and suggestions from others here, but I just wanted to add one thing -

I think you're being too hard on yourself - this is all new territory for you in learning how to assist in your mom's care...it's a lot for anyone to process. So my advise is more for you to be easy on yourself - don't expect perfection from yourself in dealing with all these new challenges - and for sure, take any feelings of guilt out of the equation. You don't deserve that. And, take good care and be kind to yourself thru this.

..and regarding your description - I actually don't see your actions as being "impatient" - it sounds like you were just trying to encourage her in case that helped - you're learning thru this process.

“l occasionally urge her to be a bit in control of her feet”

OP, the reason you’re doing this is because you’re impatient, feel frustrated, you’re in a hurry, you want to get things done fast, you want her to move faster.

I think your mom should see a doctor, neurologist. Find out what physical problems she has.

@ventingisback
What baffles me is that my mom sometimes walks steadily when helped, of course, but at times she cannot control her feet. Could it be my fear of the worst why l occasionally urge her to be a bit in control of her feet?! I'm wondering so...

I'm going to disagree with Grandma about the gait belt - unless you get one of the higher priced ones with handles and that also goes between the legs in my experience they are absolutely useless, there was no way to keep the gait belt from sliding up on my mom, even when it was uncomfortably and impractically tight.

When my mom began to fall it was never a trip, it was a sudden loss of the strength to bear her own weight and a slow sinking to the floor as I grabbed her waistband and screamed "STAND. STAND. STAND UP!!!". Not some of my most stellar moments.

I'm going to suggest some physical therapy for your mom, I was amazed at the helpfulness of some very simple exercises. Elder Gym has a good list and demonstrations.

You have touched on 2 things here.
First is impatience and frustration.
It is impossible to care for someone and not get impatient and or frustrated. Anger is also common.
I will get the numbers wrong but the gist of it is the same.
The facilitator of my Support Group gave us all a printout that had this statistic:
80% of caregivers admit to getting angry at the person they are caring for.
My comment to the group was this.
"That means 20% of those responding lied"
Anger, frustration, impatience is natural, normal reaction that a human has.
Now, what you do to control that is the important thing.
Leave the room if it is safe to do so.
Step away for a bit.
redirect and try something different.

The other thing you mention is your feelings of "guilt" because of her frailty.
YOU did not cause it. So you can not feel guilty. You can feel sadness, grief, you can be scared. But not "guilty"

If you do not have a Gait Belt get one.
A gait belt will help you more safely support mom.
Don't try to hold her up or prevent her from falling. Look at how to safely guide her to the floor if she begins to fall.
If she falls don't try to pick her up. It seems silly if you are strong and physically fit to call 911 for a "LIFT ASSIST" but the responders are trained to help someone up and to get that person into a chair or bed and they can assess if there is a need to go to the hospital. You can decline the hospital, they will have you sign paperwork and they will be on their way. In most cases if there is not trip to the hospital there will be no charge for the LIFT ASSIST. The good thing is they are now aware that there is a person with special needs residing at that address.

The unexpected moments she may be having could be due to any number of things. Low blood pressure. Dehydration,
There are lots of things that indicate when someone is at End of Life.
It sounds like your mom would qualify for Hospice (Hospice is not just the last 6 months) you and your family will get more help and equipment that will make caring for mom a lot safer and easier. A call to a Hospice just to talk to them, let them assess and let them inform you of what they can do to help. Well worth a phone call.
And the thought that you are going to lose mom is on your mind.
It is sad, and you are experiencing anticipatory grief. You are realizing that your parents are old and they will not be around forever. And that hurts.

“am I perhaps not willing to accept the fact that the end may be near”

If you think she’ll die soon, get hospice involved.

I don’t think she’ll die soon. This can go on for years.

You should ask her doctor for diagnosis, prognosis…
See a neurologist? She might have Parkinson’s.
Know the various illnesses she suffers from. That’ll also determine what attitude is appropriate towards her.

“We also have a lady that cares for my mother 08 am-2 pm”

I think your mom needs more hours help.

My friend’s mom has trouble walking. My friend hired caregivers throughout the day. Now she’s not scared of falling, because a caregiver always helps her walk and makes sure she doesn’t fall.