How to cope with dealing with a sick father who despite all your time and effort put into helping him doesn't seem to be enough?

If you feel like you need to help, do the minimum. Don't stay with him hours upon hours. Just do what you need to and leave. Ignore what he says when it he says nobody cares or your not there enough. If my DH was with a LO all day long and was told it was enough, he would do less. If he says something demeaning or abusive, tell him that u no longer will put up with his abuse because that is what it is, and then walk out. Block him for a day or two. If you do not need to go by, don't. He needs to know you will not take his stuff. He wants help, he needs to appreciate what u can do for him. I definitely would not give up my life for him.

Tanner, others have more to say in response to the emotional abuse you father directs at you, so I will just say this: If you could share with your father, "Dad, you are my father and I care what happens to you. However, I cannot continue to allow you to speak to me with cruelty and hurtfully. When you began to be hurtful to me, I must leave. I am sorry that you are ill and that you hurt, but I must leave your home when you speak with cruelty and say mean things". And that, Tanner, is your cue to depart. I don't know your father's financial situation and whether or not he can hire help to care for him. You are a good man, Tanner, and I hope you have a job to go to and that your main work is making a good life for yourself.

You should never let anyone degrade you. Your father is lucky to have you in his life, but if he’s not appreciative, get out. You are important and you matter. You don’t have to endure his abuse.

Hi
sorry to hear you going through this
I dont understand a couple of things
1) you mention " My brother was and still is his favorite child and he doesn't have anything to do with my father now because there is nothing in it for him."

ok, but , what is there in it for you ?

Are you trying to make up for lost years of bad relationship by helping him? If so , others can comment better, but rare that this will happen in this scenario

I can understand why you are helping. But you may need to reduce your time?

Tanner,

This is so sad. I am sorry for the loss of your mom.

Your profile says that you’re 30 and your father is 51. You’re so young. Most people aren’t caregivers at your age.

Normally we would recommend that you contact Council on Aging to get an assessment of your father’s needs but technically he isn’t considered to be a senior citizen.

Does he have money to pay for a caregiver through an agency? What exactly are you helping him with? How far along is his liver disease? Is he a candidate for a liver transplant?

I am sorry that he isn’t appreciative of your support. Have you told him how you feel about the way he treats you? You can tell him that you will no longer help him if he continues to insult you.

Wishing you all the best.

Why, if your brother is the favorite, are you expected to do all the care for your father?

Do you not have a job or life of your own?

”Shold I just endure him downgrading me and stay over there?”

NO! If he’s been abusive your whole life, why do you keep taking more?! Do you feel you really are the garbage he treats you as? I hope not, but it sounds like you’ve grown to accept his abuse, sadly.

Are you hoping he’ll eventually love you and appreciate you or apologize for how he treated you? I promise you there is maybe a .5% chance of that happening. He has ruined so much of your life. It’s time to take your life back.

He doesn’t expect you to talk back or stand up for yourself. He can treat you as badly as he wants because he knows you’ll come right back.

Tell him that since he’s not happy with how you’re helping him, you’ll do him a favor and step back. He can call his son instead, since he’s his favorite. Or he can hire someone. You’re done.

Many people on this forum struggle with the question of whether they should help abusers. I was never in this situation so I cannot speak from any personal experience. I get that things become murky when the abusers start to have cognitive issues intermixed with other health problems.

It's totally possible your Dad is also experiencing the beginnings of dementia. What you described is very common behavior. Loss of ability to empathize is a symptom. It gets worse. And no amount of reasoning or logic changes it. Been there, done that with a close family member who had dementia for 12 years before she passed.

I strongly encourage you to seek therapy. A good therapist will help you identify and defend strong boundaries so that you can live an emotionally healthy life.

BetterHelp.com is affordable, accessible online therapy. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you navigate this situation.

Is Dad under treatment for his depression?