How to cope with anger brewing inside me?

I'm not sure it's realistic to blame 'hormones' on being angry for the burden of caring for an elder with incontinence issues, and being solely responsible for it, w/o help from your siblings.

My mother took on the burden of taking her mother (with no care needs) into our home for 25 years, although she blamed it on my father who insisted it was her 'obligation' to do so after her husband died young. My mother's anger and resentment over the situation ruined HER life, my fathers life, my grandmother's life and my childhood. All for feelings of 'obligation' that weren't necessary. Everyone would have been 100% better off had my grandmother been sent to live in her own apartment or off to Skilled Nursing, which is what eventually happened after she was shipped off to another daughter's home and the daughter said NO WAY. Off to Skilled Nursing she went, and she did fine there. Problem solved.

Look into placement for your loved one before you get SO burned out that there is no recuperation from it. Why put yourself through such a thing? You can 'love' your loved one and STILL have him or her placed into a good care management residence and become a visitor instead of a caregiver. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Good luck!

Leanne; How do you come to be your mother's sole caregiver?

I would be angry and resentful as well; I think that you are having a normal reaction to your living situation.

I don't think YOU have to change; I think the situation has to change.

You cope by making sure that you are also taking care of yourself. That means getting away on a regular basis, so you can do some fun things that you enjoy. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, I'm talking about going for a walk, going shopping, or out lunch or supper with friends, just something to give you the much needed breaks you need. You might have to hire some outside help to come in to stay with the person you're caring for(using their money of course)so you can get away, and that's ok. It must be done, if you're to continue on this journey. You are suffering from caregiver burnout, and it happens to those who don't also make themselves a priority too. So please try doing some little things for yourself. You might be surprised how much better you feel if you do. And if for some reason that doesn't work, then it's probably time to be looking for the appropriate facility to place your loved one in. God bless you.

LeanneR, I do know how you feel cuz I'm in the same situation with my Alz. incontinent mom.

The anger and resentment feelings are hard to deal with, and I don't have any good answer.

However, I can tell you a small trick that I use to avoid the pee/poop smell. I pray perfume generously in the air as I enter the bathroom. It's a cheap perfume that I got from dollar store but it is strong enough to overshadow the bad smell enough that my nose can't detect it. I also turn on the vent and keep the door open.

I also spray the toilet and the seat with rubbing alcohol to sanitize and deodorize. It works very well.

after a few calls, I was able to locate a support group for caregivers that meets weekly on Zoom. We’ve only met once so far but I was so happy about the people and the subjects we covered, I was so relieved.

Ugh, who wouldn't be tired of the smell of pee and cleaning up poop?? Yuck. It's my line in the sand. When mom can't use the bathroom appropriately, I'm DONE. It is just not in me to deal with such things. A couple years ago, she was sick and was having accidents and I was literally crying. I begged my husband to help me. He handled it. I am beyond lucky.

But IF this were a regular thing, there is no way I would lean on him to handle it. That would be grossly unfair to him.

Anyway, you do NOT have to just chill out and accept this. You can choose to but there is no "have to". If you choose to, try things like deep breathing (not when you're near the scene of the crime, of course).

Have you tried things like limiting liquids past a certain time of night, say 6 PM. Make sure no meds are diuretics that they get at night. Do they sleep through the night and it's all those hours of pee? Maybe not realistic but maybe a diaper change at some point in the middle-ish?

What kind of poop accidents? In the diaper? On the floor? Depending on the situation, could be different advice.

If accidents are happening during the day, maybe planned trips to the bathroom would help cut down on this?

I do not think this is hormonal. Sure, you might be able to handle this better at some moments than others, but I think that's normal. It's a difficult situation that most would find challenging. Give yourself credit for dealing with it AT ALL!

Please do your best to not be bothered by your sisters not knowing what's going on or being part of it. Those feelings, while very common and understandable, do nothing to help you. They are free to make their choice to not be involved and you need to find a way to honor that. Have they been invited to do more and declined?

If this is from dementia, I would seriously consider finding somewhere for her to live as it is unlikely to improve. Or get more help at home so you can have a break and maybe miss out on a diaper change or two while you do something for you to. help recharge your depleted batteries.

Take it all to Jesus.
It may sound corny but it is true.
Everything we have been through, He has been through.
I cannot count the number of times I had no one to turn to but Jesus. Then, I realized I did not need to turn anywhere else anyways because He was all I needed. Joseph a son of Jehovah.
Now, not only will He sooth your anger but will lead you where you can get the proper help. Most times with me, it has been in unusual places in unusual ways.
I speak from decades of service unto Him all over the world in many extremely difficult situations.

I feel your pain. I have my husband to help, but I find it so hard not to get angry with my mother. I know she can't help it - her dementia is getting worse all the time, but it's relentless. The only thing she can do without help is eat, and even then she falls asleep before finishing the meal. I don't know if your mother has dementia but it sounds like it from what you are saying.
What helps me is to make sure I take time out to do things for myself and having a schedule to work to.
In the morning, I put her on the loo, change the pad and brush her teeth.
I do my gym/yoga session while she is having breakfast.
An hour after breakfast, I put her on the loo so that she can do her business while I have my breakfast. It's important to not wait for them to say they need the toilet. Most days, there are no accidents when I do this. Then I clean her up and put her to bed.
She gets her lunch at around 1 when I change the pad again and put her to sit in the sitting room so she can interact with whoever is watching TV.
At 5pm I put her on the loo again. Change the pad
8pm the same
10pm is change and bedtime.
So yes, when things happen outside of the schedule, I get angry, but I keep telling myself it's not her fault and try my best to calm down. The anger just makes us sick.

You may be coming to a point where your human limitations cannot go on no matter how well intentioned or no matter how much you love. Right now these are, as you describe them, fluctuating feelings, but things will not get better and there may be a limit to your ability to sacrifice your own life in this manner. I would be open were I you to journaling and exploring your feelings. I am so sorry it is so tough right now. I could not do 24/7 care for a single day; I knew that all my life, and would not have attempted it. I cannot imagine how you do it. I wish you the very best.

Here are some things that help me deal with helping dad. The below help me to keep things manageable. Prior to my dad I cared for mom.
1-Buy disposable gloves
2- If getting to the bathroom is hard. Get a bedside commode and place bed side commode liners in them. Walmart and Amazon sell them. I found these to be the best quality. Medline - MDS89664LINER Commode Liners 
3-My dad now just stands and uses a urinal to pee. Then I dump and rinse. We have two and change out daily. The one not in use I place 2 denture tabs in overnight to clean. He still has accidental pees in the depends, but having a urinal handy has helped.
4-Get a diaper pale to use during the day, Place a grocery store plastic bag in it. Put soiled depends I have found Tena for men to be the best for dad. For my mom Sams club depends worked great. For dad Tena has been the best for absorbency and leaks
5-Put a lined trash can in the garage, put all soiled disposable items in here. Bagged diaper pale items, disposable pads etc
6- Get some washable and disposable bed pads. Oxyclean does wonders for the washable pads
7- Adult wipes from Sam’s club are great for wipe downs after accidents
8- Desitin, this is a must. Put some between the bottom cheeks, On upper inside of legs and around personal parts to avoid bed/depend rash sores. Dad and I are past the embarrassment stage. The personal parts we do every 3 day unless he has a break out, the daily. The back side cheek area I coat morning and night.
9-For bowel issues dad uses Senna-S, if needed Metamucil in his coffee or juice. We have found the Senna-S plus the Metamucil which his doctor recommended for his chronic constipation has been a great solution, after we did one fleet treatment to get the packed poop out. The Metamucil is a as needed. The senna-S daily.

I hope some of the above help. Once covid is over get some occasional adult care helpers. I had helpers with mom until 4 months before she passed. Dad started needing help 3 months before mom passed after taking to bed for 3 days with a fever.
I plan to get helpers again after covid for some breaks. Make sure to find some alone time daily. There are times after I help dad up the lift and to bed I go downstairs and find comfort sitting in moms chair.