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Mom 78 fell back in Jan 2019, was very sick which I am sure was Covid, they just weren't testing for it then. She stayed 8 months in nursing homes where they did diagnose her with Dementia. We moved in to her home because it was most cost effective. I was paying my mortgage, had taken over her bills and home, and nursing home at $3700 a month alone was killing us. The medicines were keeping her down and confused til a NP took her off all of them and she was so much better. She begged to come home so we did bring her home. Now I live with my husband of 20 years, my mother and my 2 children 18 and 22. There is not a separate living space for her. She stays in the living room from the time she wakes up till she goes to bed at night. Will not go to her room to give our family any privacy. She thinks that since it's her home she deserves to stay in her chair. And dare I mentioned to paint or redo anything in the house she gets mad and quits speaking to me. She is also depressed and sits all day and eats.


I just want to somehow live under one roof. I have tried asking her to let my family have some time to watch a movie in the living room together but she won't. So my whole family resorts to going to their rooms and closing the doors so they can get some privacy. My family has never had to do this. It's so hard and I do feel guilt and resentment towards her. I would like to hear your advise, tips of what you have done to cope with this. Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving!

If you’re feeling resentful imagine how the rest of your family is feeling having to isolate themselves to get a moments peace. This living arrangement isn’t good or sustainable for anyone. It’ll cause you health issues. Mom should live in a place with activities and friends. You should live in your own home with your family. I hope you’ll decide it’s time to change this
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you are living under such awful circumstances; I can truly understand why you can't stand to go home after work! Your mother's stubborn refusal to make you and your family feel welcome in her home is making your lives there insufferable.

I think you have no other alternative but to move out, personally. Your mother is 77 years old and can live another 2 decades, in reality. Do you want to live like this? In reality, her house can be sold so SHE can afford to pay for care of some kind in either Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing; you should never pay out of your own pocket to fund HER life as an elder. You should also not be held hostage in her home by her rigid rules where nobody can even watch a movie together in the living room! It's ridiculous and I'd put an end to it immediately if it were me.

Once you move out, mother can hire in-home help or look into selling the house and moving into managed care. You and your husband & children are not responsible to be her caregivers and personal servants for life. Look at it as you were doing this TEMPORARILY to help her recuperate; she recuperated, and now you 4 move on with your lives.

I know you are asking how to 'somehow live together under one roof' but unless your mother does a complete turn-around with her selfish all-about-me rules that she's put in place, I just don't see it happening. You all deserve a better life than what she is offering you.

Best of luck realizing that to make in-home care work, it has to work for EVERYONE involved, not just mom. Your family comes first, and it's perfectly fine to know that.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Slartibartfast Nov 24, 2021
And without a home of your own, once you've spent all your money on her and she has to go into a residential home she'll have to sell her house to pay for it and you'll be left homeless and broke.
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Welcome!

I think you have done what many have done - tried to have love & togetherness save the day. Caring led you to take the action of temporarily moving in but It didn't turn out as planned. That's ok - it happens!

A least now you know - really know.

Time for a new care plan. That suits ALL of you, not just Mom.
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Reply to Beatty
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Marm, welcome!

I'd like to start by saying that you shouldn't be paying your mom's bills! Mom should pay her own way. HER resources should be paying for any facility or nursing care she needs.

Have you looked into getting mom qualified for Medicaid?

Living as you are right now sounds like a very unhappy and stressful situation for you all. No healthy, not sustainable.

Meanwhile, if mom has dementia, you can't reason with her.

You need to start putting your family first. Start out by calling the local Area Agency on Aging. Ask for a needs assessment and case management services for mom. Maybe you need to consult an eldercare attorney to figure out how to disentangle your finances and get mom set up to pay her own expenses so you all can go back to living your lives.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Your problem is that this is your mother's house, and it is not reasonable to expect her to shut herself away in her bedroom so that she doesn't intrude on the family.

What's become of your own house? Have you still got it?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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One thing I knew for certain, that as soon as my dad moved in, he was now part of the nuclear family and would want to be included in everything. Which is completely understandable but, for me not a tolerable situation. I can't imagine what he would have expected had I moved into his house. Not that that would have ever happened, I have been on my own far to long to bow to parental authority. And I believe in my house, my rules.

I know that you guys are "caring" for her. You don't say how and a fall doesn't mean someone needs looking after but, an 8 month stay at a NH says 24/7 care required, with some skilled nursing care involved. You said she improved being removed from to many meds. So? How much care does she realistically need? Can she afford to have someone come in daily to provide the help she needs?

The sad part is, it is her house and you all moved in. That doesn't change the fact that she is the mistress of the house and we all know that a house can have only one. She will never give that up as long as it is her house.

What I don't really understand is why she can't be included in a movie or family time. You say she does nothing, so how does that really adversely effect the time you spend with your adult children all living at grandma's house?

My lands, I would be a raving loonie if 4 adults moved in to my home and wanted me to go sit alone in my bedroom. Not likely to happen. I would rather be in a facility then lose my home as I sat in it.

Looks like it is time to rethink the situation and either create a family space in someone's bedroom, include grandma or move out and let her survive or end up in a facility. You can still help her, with boundaries, of course.

Edit: whichever one of your kids that has created 3 children needs to put their big boy panties on and create a home for their children. Because you no longer get to live off of anybody when you make babies. You man up and take care of your kids.

You are expecting an awful lot from your mom and I think you should suck it up and let her live in her house, especially since your adult children are bringing their 3 babies, under 4, every other weekend, that's a lot to ask of anyone, especially a sick senior.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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my2cents Nov 27, 2021
Well, I missed the part about one of the children having small children of their own.
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MOVE AND MOVE HER WITH YOU IF NECESSARY. There is no other solution to this problem.

Why in the world would you think that your mother would allow herself to be relegated to her own room in her “most cost effective” house so you can watch TV with your husband and kids? Your mother isn’t hurting anyone by sitting all day in her own living room. You are sending a message that you are doing your mother some kind of favor by living there. What part of the bills are you and your family paying out of your own pocket while living in your mother’s house?

I agree with others that this situation is untenable and you and your husband need to get back to your own home, especially if you are still paying the mortgage on it. Or buy a different house in which you mother will have her own space. If she’s only 78, she could live a lot longer.
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BurntCaregiver 7 min ago
Chellyfla,

Actually, the poster is in fact doing her mother a favor by living with her. A very big favor indeed because the mother has dementia and would be in a nursing home if her daughter wasn't there.
She made no arrangements for care in her 'golden years' so her daughter had to take on the responsibility of it.
Now everyone here in this group knows that I speak plainly and it can come off as harsh. It's never my attention to, but I'll say plainly that you've got some nerve posting such a response. It's not about how much of a percentage the daughter and her family pay towards the household bills. Since the daughter is an unpaid 24-hour live-in caregiver to her mother, does she write up a check (gratuity included) and put it next to the plate every time the mother eats a meal she prepared and cleaned up after?
Does she submit a weekly bill for cleaning and laundry services provided for mom?
Does she charge for mileage when she has to run errands for her mother or take her somewhere like a doctor's appointment, etc...?
Does the daughter receive payment for being an entertainer? Oh yes, when you're a senior caregiver keeping them entertained and alleviating their boredom helps prevent some of the fight instigating, trouble causing, and complaining seniors often engage in for entertainment.
Does the daughter or any other in her kind of situation, get a small weekly compensation for being a family scapegoat and whipping post to the elder they care for?

If the answer to all of these questions is 'no' then the mother is the one benefitting. Mom is getting one sweet deal in exchange for her daughter and family being there. See, in a nursing home a person has to pay for every service any anything they get. There's no whipping posts around to take your frustration on or instigate fights with for entertainment. If someone acts up too much, they get drugged to keep them calm. Also, when an elder is in a nursing home they have no property or money to lord over their family so they submit to the abuse and slavery of caring for them.
Mom is getting a very sweet deal here.
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Hello, I think I'm in the minority here...
The thing is, you made the decision to move into her home because it was cost effective for you, and now you've run up against some common issues with dementia, and are frustrated. Understanding that the disease progresses, I suggest you read up on this to help you understand that your mother's having some challenges that are more than just memory:
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
Realistically, the best thing for you to do is to sell the house and use that and mom's SS to fund her move into assisted living/memory care. When that's spent down she'll have to go on medicaid. It helps if you can find a place that will let her stay on after her private pay money runs out. I'm assuming that the house is in her name and is paid off. The property should be used according to her wishes unless she is incompetent and a POA is activated. Even then, the house is a resource to be managed to fund her care. Careful record keeping and not intertwining your family monies with hers helps when medicaid does a 5-year look back. How are the finances set up? Are you making sure her bills are paid by her monies? Is any of her social security being used for upkeep? Is your family paying fair market rent? What are you providing for her in exchange for moving into the home? Is this formalized by a contract? Are you really intending to keep her in her home as her needs increase--how will you and your husband manage that, assuming the kids are out of the house or busy with lives of their own? Have you talksed to a certified elder law attorney (ELCA) to help you navigate this? It might be very helpful to do this ASAP. This can come from your mother's funds.
If your mother has dementia, she may not recognize her needs. She sees that you have moved into her home, which is familiar to her (and familiarity and routine are key in orienting a person with dementia throughout the day). you want to redecorate her home and its management and pace has been taken over by your family. She's being expected to live on your terms. She doesn't want to. You find this untenable. She is incapable of using reason, logic, intuition, empathy because of her disease.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 27, 2021
The property should be used according to her wishes, unless a POA is activated.

Actually a POA is required to act on behalf of the individual, as they would themselves, if they were able and of sound mind. A POA do not give the authority to press your will on the individual represented.

So her home is hers and gets used as she wishes, until a judge says she is incompetent to run her own show.
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This living situation is unsustainable. Many many elders beg to come home. Doesn't mean it's a good idea. Can she take care of herself? Even though it's her home, she is being unreasonable. Yet, since she has dementia, you can't expect her behavior to ever get any better.

As others have said, do not pay ANY of her bills. Especially for her to be in a nursing home.

I would start looking for a place for you and your family to move into ASAP. Figure out what mom's needs are and arrange for it. If she can't be alone, start having her pay for aides to come in so that you and your family can go out to dinner, go to the movies, go on vacation, etc. etc.
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Reply to againx100
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You need to speak to a dementia specialist or/and an elder lawyer for sound advice before you end up penniless, divorced and hated by your children. I’m not trying to sound harsh but the dementia will get worse not better and you and your family deserve a nice life of your own. Your mom has had her life and now it’s time for Medicaid or her own resources to kick in best wishes to you 💜
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