How can my brother or I convince our mom to go to assisted living instead of filing for guardianship with court system?


Similar to the question about refusing a doctor which I read. She has 4th stage of paranoia dementia. She thinks home care is unfair to her privacy and she does not need it although she wants to remain in her home. She sabotages any help we bring in. She has a boyfriend who is occasionally there. She jumps from doctor to doctor. She has a frontal tumor and has seizures. She is diabetic and has lost 18 lb in 3 months and she says she's not hungry. The doctor has given us written evaluation for Guardianship and told us numerous times she needs 24/7 care. Two of us children are on board with filing and the other three are not. They say it will ruin their relationship and cause more hardship putting her over the edge because she has depression, an oppositional personality and is fragile. She has convenienced herself she is fine and makes her situation out to be so. She has a cognitive impairment and still trying to do some financing. I pay most of her bills but she has control of finances. I try to explain the dangers of this to my siblings and the trouble we have to go through to fix things we happen to catch. I explained after her last seizure to my siblings that I spent four days helping her and all the details. I think because no one else is around but me and my brother that next time a physical issue comes up either one of us should call 911 and let her go to ER. She told them that I am over reacting nothing is that wrong. Several months ago she went to an attorney and took my name off of POA's and any banking and put my brother in charge out of anger. My siblings did not stand up for me after the 12 years I been her caretaker because of her personaliy. I try to just pray to God about what to do and do what I believe I can at that moment. I know something has to change for my own health and my brothers who also trys to walk on eggshells and appease her.

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Call 911 at the next appropriate opportunity. Once she is in the hospital you can work with the discharge planner and the social worker and explain that she cannot be discharged back to her home.

The one worry I have about filing for guardianship is that your siblings may fight it. As I understand it, in that case the court often appoints a professional guardian -- an outsider who will be paid out of your mother's funds. Maybe that would be best. I don't know. It is just something to consider and to discuss with the lawyer if you pursue guardianship.

Speaking of funds, how will your mother's care center be paid for? Does she have adequate funds to last her a while? Is she on or eligible for Medicaid?
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Also, remember that your mom will probably be happier in one of those homes. The decent ones are centered around artful ways of killing time and she'll have a lot of friends to talk with.

Ask yourself, if your mom was in her right mind, what would she want.

Tell your uninvolved relatives to put up or shut up. Your mom doesn't need a back seat driver in her life now. Have them fly out and take the wheel for a while. Better yet, UPS momma overnight red to their doorstep.
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I had a similar situation (thinking my dad was OK) as I lived in a different state but felt I'd be the caring child by calling him every day. It was easy to tell after a while that he had memory lapses but he kept reassuring me that he was doing great at home by himself (he was living alone).

I made a visit and found out about how many with Dementia will lie to keep everyone at bay and maybe even without knowing it. Here's what I'd heard and then seen:
"I monitor my diabetes daily"- Not one container of insulin with any in it and the most recent bottle was 9 months old.
"I take care of my house and dog"- Water had been shut off 8 months early as he forgot to pay his bills. His dog and house were covered in flees. Don't ask about his bathroom.

Boy is seeing really believing. After that it was a quick trip to my house and he's living with me now until he needs 24/7.
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You could also call APS (adult protective service). APS can take protective custody of her with a court order. I think calling 911 is a good idea, get her admitted to a hospital for 3 days and move her directly to a nursing home from there.
Personally I would pursue the Guardianship, because that would be better than having the state take over. File the petition. Siblings can have their say in court at the very first hearing.
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