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She has been in Assisted Living for 4 months now. Her five bedroom house is still full of many of her personal belongings. Family members have taken some furniture and she's fine with that but there is still quite a bit left. I would like to start getting rid of things but I feel like I'm doing it behind her back. Occasionally she will ask for something like her craft supplies for example or a piece of jewelry. I feel like I can't get rid of anything because what would I do if she asked for that item after it was gone? She also can't stand the idea of strangers living in her house whether we rent it or sell it.


I know this is a slow process and maybe she will eventually give in but I'm wondering if other people who have been in my position could give me some advice.

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BTW, if you have old magazines, they can often be ebay'd; check and see if they appear to be collectable. Some are surprisingly valuable. We dumped a bunch of my brother's untouched Life magazines that had come to the house when he was in the Navy, that he left when when he came back and moved out of the area (but my SIL said he didn't want tossed) when we sold the folks' house some years ago, and some of them might have had collector value.
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Wise one I need to tell that to DDs. I was looking for my gardening stool. Guess it must have gone in the dumpster. Still rescuing stuff from the donation pile which Catholic Charities will pick up tomorrow.

The girls understand DH is emotionally challenged but don't realize the importance of staying ahead of the game if one is going to maintain any semblance of sanity.

I am dreading tomorrow when he gets home from rehab. he already tells me that he is feeling ill which is the key to "I am too sick to be able to do this" and takes to his bed till the movers carry him out in it and put it in the van.
He did almost the same when we had new carpets installed prior to listing our last house. He sat in his recliner and refused to move and they actually cut the old carpet and removed it with him still in the chair. He did eventually get the hint and go upstairs.
I have already lined up a friend also in his late 70s to help DH pack his office which is sacred ground and his first thought was to have the man climb up on the roof to remove his HAM radio ariel. Maybe I will just forget to pick him up tomorrow or break another bone.
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Don't get rid of anything without her consent. Otherwise, you could be facing serious legal issues.
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One of my favorite sayings is...."convenience has value." So I recommend you go with convenience...it is so worth it!
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Jobs, mom is paying, though I've got the expense down a lot. When she went into Assisted Living, she said it was a trial. There is a woman who has an apartment there who goes home every summer. It encourages my mother to dream impossible dreams. I am slowly clearing stuff out beginning with what is clearly junk...broken tv's, piles of magazines. Lots of that. I have also taken home her jewelry...not valuable but she rotates. This summer I am going at it in earnest calling in estate folk. There is two packed floors, an apartment, a basement, an attic and a garage. It makes me tired just thinking about it. My mother has her stuff, my late brothers stuff, her parents stuff. There is just me. I decided to toss my own extras into any sale. I don't have much though because I have preferred the less is more style...opposite of Mom. My mother has more stuff in her living room than I have in my whole house. Somehow it doesn't look like an episode of hoarders until you hit the storage areas.
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Sorry, is death eminent? If not, please give the woman a bit of time to understand she most likely is never going back. It is like looking at your own death. Bring her little things and talk about them. The most wonderful stories you never knew may spill out of those talks. None of this is fun, but you can make it better.
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To Rosyday. First off, who has been paying for the taxes, utilities, and upkeep of her home for 2 years? If you read my post earlier, I'd be getting rid of practically everything and selling the house. Ask her what she might want in her AL room, but let her know her stuff has to go. For convenience, you might check your local paper for folks who buy estates. We sort of did this with my mom's stuff, and they hauled almost everything off. I had an antique dealer go through the house 1st and they bought all the old/collectible stuff. Then we had a used furniture store come in and they bought almost everything else. What wasn't purchased was donated and what couldn't be donated was thrown away. There were a few things her sisters wanted and I gave them first what they asked for. I had it all completed in about 3 days. Everything I kept of hers fit in a shoebox. I did go through her jewelry and took it all to a shop that bought silver and gold. She rented her house, so that was easy. If she's never going home again, it's time for a heart to heart talk with her that her stuff needs to go. The only caveat to my comments is if someone is still living in the home.
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It's all about supply and demand. My mom owned a LOT of vintage items, though all the one still left antique shop in her town took just a pittance of items. Thank goodness my brother got rid of his LIFE magazines-they weighed a half ton but antique shop did reluctantly take them.
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Oh boy. My mom's been in Assisted Living for two years and I have barely shifted a thing from her house. She keeps asking for this or that. I read your post and answers with great anxiety.
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Maybe I was a little cavalier disposing of my aunt's property, but the point is sometimes you have to make the decision for the people you are helping as they are unable to. I was very careful not to get rid of anything that might have had any value. When you are helping take care of someone, you just have to jump in and if they get mad at you, then they're mad at you. I feel confident enough to make the decision for my aunt to trash/recycle magazines from the 1970s, 20 year old newspapers, expired canned goods in the kitchen, and other items that are way beyond their useful life. If an elderly family member is in your home, AL, or NH, and you are their primary caregiver, or guardian, you have to make those decisions for them many times. If they are never going to live in their home again and obviously there won't be room for all their possessions in your home, AL, or NH, then something has to go. And paying for a storage unit for keeping basically junk is a waste of money. There is constant discussion stating it is imperative for caregivers to care for themselves, and making decisions to get rid of a loved ones belongings may be tough, but the caregivers stress level will be lower by just taking care of it and move on!
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One more option for books, particularly old locally produced books: our State Library has a large historical collection of local books and ephemera, with a catalogue on line. It’s easy for me to check if they already have something that comes in my OpShop delivery of unsaleable books, and make a donation next time I am in town if they don’t have a copy. If it matters to them, they are about the only ones who aren’t too worried about condition!
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Realistic? Sure, or at least practical.

Mean? Well! - you said it, not me.

But what you definitely were is pretty cavalier with someone else's property. I don't suppose for a moment you'll ever be called to account for it, or that your aunt's welfare suffered in any material way, and perhaps in the long run yours was the simplest, quickest and therefore most cost-effective solution.

But on a point of principle... cheerfully chucking out someone's belongings... it's not going to feature in the best practice guidelines, now, is it?

And you couldn't have found a dishcloth?
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I guess I'm more realistic and mean than most. We helped an elderly aunt clean her house out a few years ago. I just threw everything away. For instance, her kitchen blender was full of old cobwebs as she hadn't used it for years and years, so I tossed it. A month later she called and asked where it was. I told her I didn't remember a blender. My wife then asked me if I threw it away. OF COURSE I threw it away I said. My aunt called to ask about a lot of her things she couldn't find. I told her if I threw it away, I didn't remember. As it turned out, she now doesn't miss anything. Just throw/give/donate/sell her stuff and if she asks where it is....tell her you couldn't find it.
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Any books that are too well worn might likely have to be tossed. However, if you have books that are in good condition (not written on, cover not falling off, binder not breaking, etc) there are many ways to dispose of them without tossing them:

As noted by others, some libraries will take them for their annual book sale.
My last place of work had a 'leave one take one' cart - if you don't have one, suggest it!
I believe my former library also had this leave/take setup
I haven't looked at it, but I think a hanging box with a door on an outside wall at the post office has this as well.
Ask at community center, hospitals, nursing homes, adult day cares, AL and MC units. I'm sure they would all take many of your old books. I brought a bunch from mom's condo to the facility she is at - their choice where to distribute them. Someone might enjoy reading your old books!
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I'll tell you something else sad, is cleaning out a grown child's room (not that she died! but moved out and has no room for things).   A lot of toys - some few she said 'keep' but most we disposed of one way or another...Her childhood books, hundreds of them. All of Dr. Seuss, and picture books, and chapter books. I took the majority to the library, they will sell well in the annual sale. Some we threw away, and some we simply could not part with. I cried like a fool, later on, it was so wrenching.....well, whatever is left will be her fate to dispose of, someday, along with our 'stuff'.
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All of the suggestions are GREAT! My husband was a teacher and I will have to pry the 1st lesson plans he wrote (over 60 years ago ) out of his cold hands when he dies. Along with all of the thousands of books piled on the floor. Ah yes - I still love him.
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We have been trying to do a little downsizing here, both of us have been fervent readers all our lives and in 30 years of marriage, have collected enough books to stock a real library. Husband has many valuable leatherbound books on Africa and hunting, and he has told our daughter many times to sell them on eBay when he is deceased. My eyes unfortunately aren't very good any more, and I have a shelf full of beloved paperbacks I just can't bear to dispose of, but just that one shelf. Many many other good books, fiction and non fiction, have been dutifully carted off to the library to add to their annual booksale ($1 for a hardcover, 50 cents for a paperback). Some, real junk like old dictionaries, textbooks, trivia books from the 80's, and so on, we removed the covers, threw the covers away, and put the paper pages into the recycle bins along with newspapers and junk mail. It was rather painful, I have to admit, but every other house in the US has several hardcover copies of Stephen King and Danielle Steele! .... Not every Goodwill or thrift store will take any old book, please be aware - they don't want anything in questionable taste! all the books there are decades old, as are their vinyl records....that's all I got, but I know it's a difficult thing to do, get rid of a parent's stuff. We had an estate sale and made very little money, due to timing mostly, but mom didn't have a lot of 'good' stuff. It's almost impossible to get rid of sets of china, cut glass, knick-knacks, and old pots and pans. I gave away everything I could to the Rescue Mission, threw away a lot of ratty beat up stuff, my brother took the nice bits of furniture, and the rest we left in the house for our renter to use or dispose of as he pleased. A sad, hard time, but ....gotta be done.
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Dear altopower, please don’t apologise for giving a librarian’s knowledge on disposing of books. Many of us, me included, are aghast at how values and habits have changed since we were younger, but like it or not, it is all true. Beautifully designed ornaments that would have been ‘treasures’ in my childhood home are now worth $2 in a Variety Store. Our sheep have read (?) about 20 full sets of Funk and Wagnalls in our erosion gullies. My elderly neighbour Helen wept to find that her Royal Doulton 12 piece dinner service costing over $2000 twenty years ago, would sell for $35 in a second hand shop, and none of her granddaughters wanted to give it house-room. I keep the things that mattered in my childhood, I check the phone book for people with the same surnames as ‘family histories’ and deliver them myself, I give children’s books to preschools for children who don’t have books at home. I email to people who might be interested, and have even posted overseas to libraries that tell me they don’t have an English language translation of something they value. I do my best. I got yet another truck load of unsaleable books yesterday. Keeping things that a LO might ask for, yes it’s important if you can, but ‘it must be worth a lot of money now’ is something completely different. It’s a miserable business.
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Some of you seem to think that I'm being mean to want to get rid of mom's things. I have to do something with her stuff so that I can rent or possibly sell the house in order to keep paying for her apartment in AL. I lie awake at night worrying about how long her savings will last at the rate it is going. She has always counted on me to help her with financial and life decisions, so I feel a huge weight of responsibility now that she is even less able to make decisions herself at age 91. My problem is her attachment to things and yes, she does remember her stuff pretty well. She may not remember every item, but she knows she has a lot of craft supplies, jewelry, photos, etc. I would love to just wait until she is ready to let go of things, but who knows how long that will take.
I'm sure I'll find a way to make this work, it's just harder than I realized it would be. The other day she asked me if she would be living in the apartment the rest of her life and I got choked up trying to come up with an answer.
I didn't mention this earlier, but I also have a disabled brother who was living in mother's house, so we have moved him into a new place too. He has his own issues and challenges that I am trying to help him deal with. I do the best I can.
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Everyone has excellent advice. Remember, look through everything! Some elders hide or hoard things in odd places: money, bonds, stocks, etc. They even hide things in the freezer and the flour canister, you never know!
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kimsgoneinsane - Yup, I really am a librarian. I'm just asking people to ASK the libraries and used bookstores what they will take before they haul in boxes and boxes of things those "donation sites" don't necessarily want. Maybe they will in your town and not mine, and vice-versa. I love books and have a lot of them, but I'm also realistic. If you find it hard to get rid of books, then do what you feel is appropriate. I apologize for having raised a professional opinion on this forum. I will just listen from now on and not open my mouth.
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Four months is a really short time. Sometimes, a parent will not adjust. My mom lived in her 1st home for 43 years. At her suggestion and request, we sold our house, bought and renovated a duplex. We moved in on one side, mom on the other. 6 months later, we sold the duplex and bought a house where she could receive 24/7 care (again at her request). She has had to downsize twice in the past year. We were able to keep the majority of her furniture, linens, etc. However, because I am the chief cook, I kept my cookware...hers was just too heavy for me as it was stainless steel. We are using her dining room table, her dinnerware, silverware, and even most of her coffee cups. Tried to do this so it felt like this home was hers and would be easier to adjust to. Wrong! All I have heard is her anger at being forced to give up stuff (literally old icky cloth, yarn, plasticware, etc). We have gone around and around about things and have gotten nowhere with frustration and anger on both sides. She finally admitted a little while ago that she feels like she is losing who she is because she bought so much with dad when he was alive. So, in essence, that made more sense. Maybe your mom feels the same. To me, stuff is stuff and I can get more. But to mom, it reminds her of her husband and those memories reminds her she had her own life and makes her feel safer. Pick your battles is good advice. If there is room to store stuff or funds are available to store it, it is totally worth it. Wish we could have done that for mom. Btw...her pots and pans are being held at my sister's place.  We just have zero space to put it.  Good luck.
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Storage locker...check out various ones with low fees.
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Whatsagipper --- Similar message. I was going through my father's old files and found a handwritten note on a scrap of paper telling my mother that "the gold coins and silver dollars are in the place where we hid the wine from [alcoholic employee]." Unfortunately she can't remember where that was, but it actually does narrow things down. So I'm looking at every darn scrap of paper in ten file cabinets.

Here are a couple of tricks I learned. 1. "Touch everything." Stuff gets hidden in pockets, in boots, between tableclothes, etc. 2. To check pockets and look for things hidden in the folds of tableclothes, I set up a very bright light and instead of unfolding everything completely and then having to refold it, I hold stuff up to the light. A real timesaver if, like my mother, your mother had several dozen large tableclothes, four closets jammed with old clothes, a couple of hundred doilies and table scarves, etc. Lordy, this is hard!
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I have been having a issue myself with downsizing, no medical issues but with my spouse in ALZ care and the funds getting low I am trying to prepare myself. It is not easy but I made a list and decided I had to pick one closet, dresser etc. each week and donate the items I can live without. After 3 weeks I am getting pretty good at it.
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Going through the downsizing by daughters right now. they are in the basement sorting and dumping and I am upstairs in my recliner on A/C. Much of the stuff i have hoarded was found at rummage and garage sales plus thrift stores so I am looking forward to finding a new hunting ground.
These same daughters grew up in thrift store clothing till they discovered where I did my shopping. Made sure everything was in good shape and had a reputable brand label. Lots of stuff I just made new out of old things so they never knew the source of my fabric. When the eldest was in grade school , I think third grade, I knitted her a sweater that she wore a lot. The bus driver admired it and told me none of the other kids ever had hand knitted sweaters.
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I'd like to comment on books as well. I see others suggest the books are junk and should be thrown away. I was especially stunned to see someone who claims to be a librarian saying that no one wants 1940's novels. Hunh?!?! I know for certain that hundreds of thousands of people still want to read (and have their students read) George Orwell, Hemingway, "The Diary of a Young girl" by Anne Frank, novels by Albert Camus, "the Little Prince".....and so on.
I've seen- and used- book drops that exist all over our metro area. Drop your books in one of those or take them to a "free library" near you. There's a neighborhood very near us that has a covered book nook on their sidewalk, where books are left and picked up to be read by the neighbors on a regular basis. I've also seen "libraries" like that in the middle of community gardens, and at community centers, such as Boys and Girls Clubs, homeless shelters, and more.
Many thrift stores take all books and, by the number of people I see going through books at Goodwill, I'd say the staff is probably not letting out a big sigh of disgust when those books arrive. No matter how much money they make on one book, they don't take up space like furnishings and bedding and decor, so they're profitable for most thrift stores.
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DON'T sell home without mom's permission! You cold end up in very serious legal trouble!
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A few idea, firstly on books. Because of the rise of the internet, many people don’t read much any more. We live on a farm, and our local OpShop sends me a truck load of unsaleable books every couple of months. I sort them all and find homes if possible. The others go to pack an erosion gully. Perhaps they will eventually turn into coal. The many tons I have junked include about 50 sets of encyclopedias (including full sets of Encylopedia Britannica), years worth of specialist magazines, ‘coffee table books’ in perfect condition, dictionaries, dozens of Bibles, and many others that it breaks my heart to junk. I also sometimes yearn for a book from my childhood, and find that I can buy it on the net for about $20, which is a back-stop if you have disposed of something that is later requested.

Fine china is not too different. These days, few people want delicate china that you can’t put in a dishwasher because of gold or silver. Sets sell for next to nothing in the OpShop. Perhaps you could keep four places out of a twelve piece set to produce for a visit, or even just a cup and saucer for her to use.

You will be very lucky if you sort clothes and blankets, and don’t find moth in them.

Sorting for my late mother, I found that she had washed and kept a large number of plastic bags (mouldy), small pieces of string, and other ‘depression treasures’, but had thrown out all the family correspondence, including my ‘diary letters’ from my trip through Europe. I wished that I had checked some things out a bit earlier while she was still in the unit.

It is all quite distressing, whenever and however you do it. We now have too much ‘stuff’ to keep things in use regularly, and imports from China are too cheap for old purchases to have retained their value. There are many good ideas on this thread, but nothing is likely to make it an easy and fool-proof job. I have now done this for my mother, aunt, parents-in-law, and for myself in a house I lived in for forty years. You have my very sincere sympathy. Do your best, check the tricky bits with another (friendly and sensible) family member, and brace yourself to ignore both personal guilt and other people's criticisms.
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Gtmerkley,

My Durable POA allows me to do the things discussed in this thread. I am not needing to yet with Mum. A Will only applies after death, I am Executrix. By writing a Will, I am not guaranteeing that the items listed in it will still be around, it is stating that if I still have my ring, it goes to XX.

Often it is necessary to sell the house to pay for care, whether or not the house is left to someone in the Will. Otherwise who is responsible for paying taxes and upkeep while it is empty? Mum knows if she needs to move into a nursing home (she decided which one she wants over a decade ago), we will sell her house.

If a person has made a list outside of their will for who they want to receive items, then those things can be given away to the recipients. If there is an Intro Vivos Trust the goods can be transferred prior to death. But a Will only comes into play after death.
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