Why move your dad? What care do you provide? If he is living at home and does not have any major medical problems (you do not indicate any in your profile) There really is not much you need to do in the way of care. If you are afraid of the What happens...or the What do I do when... Then make sure that you are one that is able to get and give information to the medical staff. (POA for health care) And make sure that you are able to access his financial information and that you can pay bills and take care of household matters (POA for financial matters) If he truly needs help convince him to hire the help he needs. Someone to mow the lawn. Clean the house. If he does need some care a Caregiver can be hired to do what needs to be done for the number of hours that are necessary. He is in a community that he knows. He has friends where he is. I imagine he has a social life that keeps him busy. And you want him to give that all up? It would be easier if YOU moved closer to him.
** All this is based on the assumption that he has not been diagnosed with any form of dementia. If he has then he should not be living alone BUT I still feel removing him from friends is not a good idea. At that point I would be looking for Assisted Living with an eventual transition to Memory Care as long as he is safe in AL. Routine reassessments would have to be done to determine the safety.
metjet, find another solution, please do not move your Dad. At 84 he probably can still manage on his own. My Dad didn't move until he was in his 90's, and he moved to a senior living facility, a mile from his old house, where he could easily make new friends, and old friends could easily visit. He loved it there.
When one thinks about it, everything will be "new". New doctors [a lot of them]... new dentist... new barber... new eyeglass place.... new bank... etc. Even the newspaper will be something your Dad would need to get use to. This may sound strange, even adjusting to the new News Anchors on the local TV. That always threw me any time I had moved, and I was young back then.
If your Dad still drives, all the streets will be new to him. New landmarks to learn. Learning where all the stores are located... gas stations... fast-food... drug store... etc. If you have toll roads in your area, how to make sure you are on the correct street to avoid getting stuck on the toll road and winding up at the airport.
Let's not forget, change of address for 101 places that need his current address. Oh, a new driver's license/ID card.
And sometimes a challenge for an older person, learning your new home address and landline telephone number. My Dad had the same telephone number for 40 years so to learn a new one wasn't easy. Forget about his address, it was too complex, even I had a hard time remembering it.
I have to agree, that taking him away from what he knows will cause a decline. I have seen it with a few of our Senior Church Members. Parents of kids I went to school with. One ladies family talked her into going from NJ to NV. She had a stroke on the way. A man who lost his wife in his 80s, went to live with a son in the South. The son brought him home every so often. Mr. R told me he had nothing to do down there. He had lived in the same neighborhood for over 50 years. Had gone to the same church for probably 80 yrs. All his friends and some family were still in NJ. His neighbors had lived there as long as he did. They helped each other. He died 2 yrs later. Its really a shock to have to pack up and leave what you have known. Its harder to adjust as you age.
You may want to see if Office of Aging or the Adult Protection Agency can do a needs assessment on Dad to see what he may need to live alone. There maybe resources he can take advantage of.
Several years ago I attended a small conference where the primary speaker was an elder care case manager. One of the things that stuck with me was the concept of taking our elders away from what and who they have known for many years. When they are relocated, they lose those relationships. Until it becomes obvious that he makes it known that they want to move or the current situation is no longer working--usually when his friends start to move or die--, let him stay in the environment that he is most comforrtable. Best case--he comes to the conclusion he wants to be closer to you. Technology can help a lot -- assuming the parent and you have tech sckills. If you have POA and are on his accounts, you can handle financial matters from your home, you can order groceries from your home, etc., etc., In the best of circumstances a move is extremely stressful -- for our elders it is often a terrible experience to go through.
You want to move your Dad away from his friends and community?
You want to be the only person he can call on? Are you prepared to be on call 24/7?
I will share a story. My Dad moved into my brother's home for the winters 6 years ago. Prior to that he snow birded to New Zealand each winter) He spent his summers at the Island house.
Three years ago, at 89 he realized he was not safe on his own and asked my 22 year old son to spend the summer with him.
In 2019, he again spent the summer with my son at the beach, but it was only for 6-8 weeks, not 4 months.
2020, he was there for only 2 weeks, when my brother and his family were over. My brother had told Dad it was time to stop driving.
Now it is 2021, Dad survived pneumonia (not covid) this spring, but is a great fall risk. The first week my brother and his family were at the beach house, Dad did not feel up to coming over. But when they came back this month for 2 weeks Dad came along.
I did not see Dad, but apparently Dad was so happy that he was able to get up and down the stairs on his own. He went to the Saturday Market, he entertained guests at the house. He was able to do more than he has since 2019.
Dad is still a fall risk, but being in a familiar place was incredibly life enhancing for him. He cannot stay there full time, but is looking forward to being there again next week.
Dad is happy living with my brother and his family, but he is far happier in the place he has lived for the past 30+ years.
Why did I tell you this story? If you take your Dad away from his familiar surroundings, friends, acquaintances, he will have nothing but you.
Great list from Geaton. I like to add that if you are not a signatory on all his current finances, like his bank accounts, you really should ask him for him to put you onto all his accounts. Ideally your a signatory on the acct and they are all POD to you. This is something he will need to be able to do on his own at his bank(s), although you can drive him over and the bank will want to see & copy your current ID even if it’s an out of state DL. Ditto for your being a signature on his utilities if he still has a home.
Hopefully he is still competent and cognitive enough to do what all is needed.
Has there been an recent incident or series of incidents that is on your mind as to why he needs to move now? Do you have siblings and just where r they in dads orbit? How long has it been since you stayed w dad in his home/ apt for longer than a weekend or Holiday visit?
There's what he wants to do, what you think he needs, and what you can legally do for him. Often these all collide.
Your profile says he's 84 years old and we know he lives in another state from you. Can you provide more details so that the forum participants can give more specific suggestions?
- are you his PoA? - is he showing signs of cognitive decline or memory impairment? - what ADL has he been struggling with? - is he living in a home that he owns, or an apartment, condo, IL, etc.? - are there any other relatives (or trustworthy friends) in proximity to him? - does he have any other health issues of concern?
At 84, moving can seem like an overwhelming life change. And even though you may see things going on that you know you can help with, the way you approach him will matter a lot if you wish him to adopt this change. Start making your case slowly and with logic and reason, assuring him you've done all the research and legwork. But if he's started down the path of cognitive decline, logic and reason often don't work any longer. In the end, if you don't have PoA for him and he's resistant to anyone's help, you have no legal power to make him do anything until his living conditions get so bad or dangerous that you'll need to contact social services, and guardianship may be the only pathway to acting as his advocate.
If you're not his durable PoA, I would start with this while he is mostly lucid and rational. He needs to understand what happens if he doesn't assign a trusted family member or person to this role. Start here and the rest will be "easier", legally at least.
If he is living at home and does not have any major medical problems (you do not indicate any in your profile) There really is not much you need to do in the way of care.
If you are afraid of the What happens...or the What do I do when...
Then make sure that you are one that is able to get and give information to the medical staff. (POA for health care) And make sure that you are able to access his financial information and that you can pay bills and take care of household matters (POA for financial matters)
If he truly needs help convince him to hire the help he needs. Someone to mow the lawn. Clean the house. If he does need some care a Caregiver can be hired to do what needs to be done for the number of hours that are necessary.
He is in a community that he knows. He has friends where he is. I imagine he has a social life that keeps him busy. And you want him to give that all up?
It would be easier if YOU moved closer to him.
** All this is based on the assumption that he has not been diagnosed with any form of dementia. If he has then he should not be living alone BUT I still feel removing him from friends is not a good idea. At that point I would be looking for Assisted Living with an eventual transition to Memory Care as long as he is safe in AL. Routine reassessments would have to be done to determine the safety.
When one thinks about it, everything will be "new". New doctors [a lot of them]... new dentist... new barber... new eyeglass place.... new bank... etc. Even the newspaper will be something your Dad would need to get use to. This may sound strange, even adjusting to the new News Anchors on the local TV. That always threw me any time I had moved, and I was young back then.
If your Dad still drives, all the streets will be new to him. New landmarks to learn. Learning where all the stores are located... gas stations... fast-food... drug store... etc. If you have toll roads in your area, how to make sure you are on the correct street to avoid getting stuck on the toll road and winding up at the airport.
Let's not forget, change of address for 101 places that need his current address. Oh, a new driver's license/ID card.
And sometimes a challenge for an older person, learning your new home address and landline telephone number. My Dad had the same telephone number for 40 years so to learn a new one wasn't easy. Forget about his address, it was too complex, even I had a hard time remembering it.
You may want to see if Office of Aging or the Adult Protection Agency can do a needs assessment on Dad to see what he may need to live alone. There maybe resources he can take advantage of.
You want to be the only person he can call on? Are you prepared to be on call 24/7?
I will share a story. My Dad moved into my brother's home for the winters 6 years ago. Prior to that he snow birded to New Zealand each winter) He spent his summers at the Island house.
Three years ago, at 89 he realized he was not safe on his own and asked my 22 year old son to spend the summer with him.
In 2019, he again spent the summer with my son at the beach, but it was only for 6-8 weeks, not 4 months.
2020, he was there for only 2 weeks, when my brother and his family were over. My brother had told Dad it was time to stop driving.
Now it is 2021, Dad survived pneumonia (not covid) this spring, but is a great fall risk. The first week my brother and his family were at the beach house, Dad did not feel up to coming over. But when they came back this month for 2 weeks Dad came along.
I did not see Dad, but apparently Dad was so happy that he was able to get up and down the stairs on his own. He went to the Saturday Market, he entertained guests at the house. He was able to do more than he has since 2019.
Dad is still a fall risk, but being in a familiar place was incredibly life enhancing for him. He cannot stay there full time, but is looking forward to being there again next week.
Dad is happy living with my brother and his family, but he is far happier in the place he has lived for the past 30+ years.
Why did I tell you this story? If you take your Dad away from his familiar surroundings, friends, acquaintances, he will have nothing but you.
Ditto for your being a signature on his utilities if he still has a home.
Hopefully he is still competent and cognitive enough to do what all is needed.
Has there been an recent incident or series of incidents that is on your mind as to why he needs to move now?
Do you have siblings and just where r they in dads orbit?
How long has it been since you stayed w dad in his home/ apt for longer than a weekend or Holiday visit?
Your profile says he's 84 years old and we know he lives in another state from you. Can you provide more details so that the forum participants can give more specific suggestions?
- are you his PoA?
- is he showing signs of cognitive decline or memory impairment?
- what ADL has he been struggling with?
- is he living in a home that he owns, or an apartment, condo, IL, etc.?
- are there any other relatives (or trustworthy friends) in proximity to him?
- does he have any other health issues of concern?
At 84, moving can seem like an overwhelming life change. And even though you may see things going on that you know you can help with, the way you approach him will matter a lot if you wish him to adopt this change. Start making your case slowly and with logic and reason, assuring him you've done all the research and legwork. But if he's started down the path of cognitive decline, logic and reason often don't work any longer. In the end, if you don't have PoA for him and he's resistant to anyone's help, you have no legal power to make him do anything until his living conditions get so bad or dangerous that you'll need to contact social services, and guardianship may be the only pathway to acting as his advocate.
If you're not his durable PoA, I would start with this while he is mostly lucid and rational. He needs to understand what happens if he doesn't assign a trusted family member or person to this role. Start here and the rest will be "easier", legally at least.