How to care for myself when I am a caregiver for my Mother with NPD?

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I am a caregiver for both of my parents. I live with them also. My Father is actually on borrowed time as it is. We do not have problems like someone with these actions,like my mother. I have gotten to the point that I just can't not stand to be anywhere near her. She is the most evil person I have ever met. Yes,I know it sounds very harsh,but unless y'all know exactly what it is like to go thru this then you would not understand.
My question is,how am suppose to take care of her as an only child,when both of us can't stand each other? She accuses me of stealing every 3-4 days from a blade to her Cuisinart to pajamas that are a size 6 and I am more than that size. She is extremely jealous of me and has been my whole life. One thing that makes her so mad is when I do things for my Father who is on 02. He has 2 debilitating diseases.He uses a walker.He was never a smoker either. So in the morning he cannot make his own breakfast,so I usually will do it at end of the night so in the morning he can just heat it up. I have gotten up in the middle of the night and she has moved the food in the refrig way in back where he cannot see it. I have tried so many times to tell him that she is a Narcissistic Person. He will not go for it. I have printed out much info about this problem and have kept a daily diary of her daily rages,accusations and lying. Backstepping is her main goal with my father. She makes excuses when I leave the house that she has to vacuum my room so she can go thru all of my things. I went camping for 3 days and I had vacuumed my room the day before Ieft. I got home and she vacuum my room. I have her told not to before but she does it on purpose. I confronted her about it when I got home and she said there was a lot of hair on the carpet from my dog. My dog went with me when I did go camping. I could go on and on about sooo many rages and the anger at least 3 times a week. I cannot leave because I am the only child. I have to be here to help my Dad,whom I love dearly. I do everything here at their house and have too. I know about the suggestions about counseling,but In the mean time can some one help me to tell me what to about this evil person? Also,has anyone gone to see a counselor and what did they say? What kind of advice was given. Any help will be appreciated. Thank you and God Bless!

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My father has NPD also. I have told some of my story here before. For about 5 years we have gone back and forth from Arizona to Oregon and I have been doing most of the caregiving with my sister not really helping too much. I am currently in Arizona as dad wanted to move back here again for I believe the fifth time. Now he wants to go back to Oregon because he thinks he will breathe better there and we have only been here about 2 weeks. I will tell you if you can move out you should move out. I had a major anxiety attack the other day which I really never have and I went to the emergency room. Apparently this happens to a lot of people. I went and stayed with my daughter for 2 days and I came back and I told him I can no longer do this. He says well you have to drive me to Oregon I said no I am NOT doing that again. I am going home after I get you set up with a Caregiver and home health nurses once again and if you refuse treatment or fire them this time you are on your own. He is on oxygen 24/7 but we have made many chances for him to live near us in Oregon and be cared for and he keeps changing his mind and I kept going along with it until I have made myself nearly crazy. Exhausted and have lost my job because of him and I have also lost myself. I am going to seek counseling when I get home and just work on me and learn how to feel good that I have done enough and it still wasn't good enough for him so I need to learn to just let go even though he is my only parent. I would just tell you to set boundaries and get out and also that the two days I was gone he actually did things for himself and took care of himself. Good luck and God bless
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Your mother is not going to change! No matter what you do, she is going to stay the same.

Has she been evaluated for dementia?

I agree with Carla's points and Babalou.

What is a therapist going to tell you. They are likely going to tell you the same thing they told my sister in law who does not want to do it and thus has stopped going to the therapist using cost as a excuse which is bull because I know her insurance pays in full with the combination of medicare and the same supplemental insurance that I have.

A therapist is going to tell you to detach, find some other way for them to be cared for other than you living there. They may even ask you what keeps you so connected to a person who is so abusive? They might even suggest contacting adult protective services to tell them of your plight and that because of the abuse, you will just have to get out of there and see if they can possibly take over.

You need to protect yourself and not sacrifice yourself for someone who is not going to change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's my more complete song that you liked the earlier mention of.

50 ways to leave your abusive mother.

It is sad to see you in so much pain
I wish I could quickly make life happy again

The path to freedom is clear by approaching it logically
I want to help you make it better and get yourself free

There must be 50 ways to leave an abusive mother!

Just use the key,
Its name is boundary
use it to get yourself free!

Just make a new plan, Stan
Send her to assisted livin’, Kevin

There must be 50 ways to leave an abusive mother!

Put her on the little bus, Gus
No need to discuss much.
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Why do you live there? Why can't your mother do for your father? If she's well enough to vacuum your room it seems she could help him with his meals also. Maybe she feels like odd man out in her own house. It sounds like you are working. Why can't you get your own place? And then stop in and monitor how well your dad is doing without you there. Something isn't adding up here.

Yes, I went to a counselor. She told me to move out, which I did. I now take care of my mother from a safe distance.
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Lisa, the short answer is that you need to set boundaries with your mother. But I'm wondering if in addition to what you term her narcissism, there might also be some dementia present. I would get that checked out. Also, has she ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist for meds?
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