How to better manage after loved one passes?

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My mother just passed a few hours ago, a long painful battle after suffering a traumatic brain injury from a hospital fall, I was with her a few hours prior, just wish I was there with her at that moment, luckily my brother was with her which makes me feel better, not really in shock, I have felt this void for quite some time, just not looking forward to the next few days regarding arrangements, etc.....any suggestions to get through the next few days/weeks? preferably without the family drama that often occurs....

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Usa Positive, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. The days, weeks and years that follow will be filled with decision-making. I wish you the best of luck in this process. I found it comforting to be alone rather than surrounded by well-wishers or family and friends. Bless you.
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I have done that singing songs in my head on more than one occasion and on different circumstances. It works. But I never thought of doing it to stop crying at a funeral. I will remember this one because it has worked for me! Thanks.
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That was beautiful and the perfect advice. Terry jack you are such an eloquent writer who spoke from her heart.
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Death is a part of the circle of life. All living things will pass on. Knowing this doesn't make it easier when our loved ones pass on. My mom has been gone 11.5 years, while I still miss her, the pain I feel has changed over time. I think we always miss our loved ones and it's more difficult for those of us left behind. I wish I had my mom back, but if she were to be sick-I wouldn't want that for her. Death can be a release, no more pain or suffering. Everyone has different thoughts and opinions about death. Your mom is still with you in all the memories you have, she lies within your heart and that love will never die. give yourself time to grieve, recognize your loss but know this is the natural order of things and that life does go on. In the grand scheme of things, possessions aren't important, but small items that have sentimental value help to remind us of good times. After my mom passed, I went through her things right away. Some people prefer to wait a couple of weeks. Making the arrangements were difficult, my dad, my brother and I made the arrangements and it wasn't easy. Our loss was sudden and unexpected, looking back now I don't think there was anything we could do to make it easier. It's just a task that must be done. During calling hours and the funeral, I sang songs in my head to help me get through without breaking down and sobbing the entire time. I must have sang 'row, row, row your boat' a million times but it got me through public appearances. (I'm not a good 'crier') It was a stressful time, I'm sorry for your loss. It's is no less or more a loss whether the death is sudden or expected. Remember all the good times and all the special memories you have of her. Keep them in your heart, that will see you through this difficult time.
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On a very practical note, if she has a house or apartment, please secure it by changing the locks and do not trust anyone to go in there. It is extremely common for thefts to occur, even by grieving (?) family or friends. If there is any tangible property that needs to be distributed according to her Will it must be done in a documented manner. It may seem harsh to not allow people into her home, but have the gathering at church or funeral parlor (better parking there) and make sure the home is off-limts. Also arrange for a neighbor or two to be on lookout for break-ins, which can happen if there is an obituary in local paper, its the perfect time for thieves to break in while every one is at the funeral.
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Be agreeable. I talked to a friend whose husband passed last week, and she was fussing about the sons wanting to include songs which she did not think were dignified enough for the service. "Tom loved those songs, but they don't belong in church! I want Beulah Land and Going Home!!" I pointed out that they lost their dad, and that maybe they could compromise by not including the words, and using them to open and close the service. The last thing you want to do is to cause family discord at this time. She said she'd never thought of my idea, and she would think hard about it. Today was the service. Eidelveiss was played as the family came in, and as they left, a wordless "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy."
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UsaPositive, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your mother..
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I think the thing to remember is that everyone grieves and handles these beginning days differently. My mother passed Feb 4 and my two brothers and I are each handling differently .I was her caregiver for 11 years..she was bedridden for 4 years with dementia, heart problems, diabetes, etc. she was on hospice for 19 MONTHS!!!! I had weekly meetings with the social worker through her Hospice and will have for 13 months..I highly recommend seeing if some agency that handled her care can give you this…it has helped me accept that we ALL grieve differently.
Also although my mom was a Jewish athesist and I am more of a universal-finding the-essence in all religions type of person. it helped me go back to my Jewish roots in my time of mourning. The perfect rabbi appeared and my mom had the perfect service…The difference between my brothers and I disappeared and we each handled all the arrangements ( Jewish funerals happen within 3 days of the death) we all just spoke from our hearts and everyone said it was the most beautiful service they ever attended…My mom LOVED chocolate and we passed out See's candy during her service … Do what you need to do to honor your LO.. Then in the Jewish tradition we take a week out after the funeral and practice 'sitting Shiva" basically your friendstake care of you and you stay at home and take take the time to withdraw from the world and it's activities and mourn ( google "sitting shiva" ) it was SO helpful for me..I think anybody could take a week for their own mental health and to honor their loved one… Also what Vegsister mentioned Final Gifts..great book…I am sorry for your loss…However, the one truth in life is that we come from love and we go back to love and that are born to die… we also have each other on this journey…Also the Jewish people say a prayer every day for their loved one that never mentions death…it's called the Kaddish you can also google it and the english is very comforting for anyone as it only praises the glory of God…
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I am so sorry for your loss. The rituals we do after a death are things we do for a reason, they bring peace and comfort at a time when the sense of loss is so staggering we feel completely blown away. At least I did. When my mom died I felt so much guilt about all the things I should have done, most of all just be there for her. But the important thing as others have said is that you were there for her and she knew you were there even if at that moment you weren't.

There is a wonderful book called Final Gifts written by two hospice workers; in their experience many people wait until they are alone to pass because they don't want to burden their loved ones. The book brought me comfort and I recommend it.

The lingering guilt I have about my mom is that we did not do a big ceremony for her funeral, with all her friends and the people who loved her, we just did a small ceremony with family. My mom would have loved having all those people remember her and celebrate her life, but my sister, dad and I were just so overwhelmed with all the financial, household, and other upheaval we couldn't think about the ceremony my mom deserved.

It did bring me great comfort to write and read a eulogy that celebrated my mom in a very personal way. My sister and I also created an online blog where we, my dad, and my mom's friends could write their memories of her and that helped a lot.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I think the best thing you can do is think of how your mom would most like to be celebrated and remembered, and try to do that for her. It will bring you great comfort to have some ongoing memorial for her--whether an online memorial, a special ceremony where family and friends can remember her in their own ways, a garden you plant for her, whatever your mom would appreciate--that allows you to feel and remember your connection even though she is no longer present in the flesh.
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I am so sorry for your loss UsaPositive. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my moms death. I felt a sense of relief that my mom was in a better place and no longer suffering. My sister and myself chose to split duties. She took care of the mass and cemetary and I took care of getting a new suit for dad and getting a dress for mom. I wanted my mom to "look like a million bucks" (one of her favorite sayings). I took my 3 kids dress shopping with me. My daughter was about the same size as my mom. We were in a bridal store and it was so hard to find a gown that was not low cut and had long sleeves (moms arms were all bruised from iv's. The women who worked in the store were wonderful. My daughter would come out of the dressing room with a "ta da" , we laughed the whole time. The best was we were going back and forth with a thought a dress was too low and she thought it wasn't. She called me into the dressing room and there she was laying on the bench with her hands folded in her chest! Sounds morbid but all I could do was laugh when she said look you can't see my boobs! I never did find a dress at that store but it did lighten the mood. We chose to see my mom the day before the viewing to make sure she looked ok. Her hair looked good (I fixed her wig myself ) but her makeup needed some touching up. All my dad could say was how beautiful and young she looked. This allowed us to get the initial burst of emotions out and allowed us to grieve privately. I would recommend doing this, it was so helpful for us. The day of the funeral my dad was so proud and happy with what a great job we did. Dads new suit was comfortable, mom looked great and the mass was beautiful. It was a lot of work but I was glad I had no extra time inmy hands before the funeral. Afterwards i crashed for 2 days and did nothing. This was the part that was hardest for me. I almost felt guilty laying around doing nothing. Didn't have to get mom up, washed, dressed and fed. Would do all those things again in a heartbeat to have my mom back. Now I just muddle thru. Some days good, some not, but it does get better. I wish peace and comfort for you and your family during these next few days and know that your mom is with you every step of the way😢
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