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4 months ago my father had a car accident and ended up in the hospital with a brain bleed and then in a nursing facility for 2 weeks for rehab. He has had severe memory problems and I have had to remind him of things a couple of times a day. He is finally doing much better. 2 weeks after he got home from the nursing facility, his wife fell and ended up in the hospital with a brain bleed then a nursing facility for 5 weeks recovering from memory loss and other cognitive issues. She came home at that time doing better, but sleeping a lot. My dad wanted her home, but she was different to him. Then after 5 weeks, she fell again, has been in the hospital and the nursing facility with extreme cognitive problems and delusions. You can barely carry on a conversation with her and she doesn't walk well. My husband and I are worn out from caring for them throughout this time although they have still lived on their own. We tried to get home health, but home health would not come in because my dad and his wife both refused it. I know at the end of 20 days, my dad will want her home again not matter what, partly because of the money and partly because he misses her. I am opposed to this because I am 70 myself and my younger sisters are mad at him and will not help. She has no family close to here. What in the world are we to do?

"You can barely carry on a conversation with her and she doesn't walk well."

Would this place discharge her to his care without checking the situation at their home first? If possible, update them on his condition and the fact that they refuse in home help AND that you can no longer provide any assistance (she isn't even your mother.) They should be doing a home check, if they are made aware of the situation. Clearly this would not be a safe discharge. They should be making sure she is going to be safe and cared for at home. If she can barely talk or walk, how could they even think about discharge?
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Reply to disgustedtoo
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https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-am-disabled-what-if-mother-needs-care-in-the-future-432474.htm

According to your first post, you are disabled. You can't take care of two people without it effecting your health. Step-mom should probably be transferred to LTC upon transfer from rehab. Or as suggested both go to an AL if they can afford it. If Dad brings her home, then let him take care of her. Do the bare minimum for them. When he complains, tell him he cannot rely on you because you physically can't help. He needs to hire help or move to an AL where he can get help with her.

You need to stand firm on this. Even if you didn't have a disability, at 70 he needs to realize that you are aging too. And then you have your own Mom according to your post.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Oh my, this is a bad situation and I feel for you. I'm sorry they declined the in-home aids. It's time to have a hard conversation with dad and give him a choice:

1. He and wife take in home aids; or

2. They can no longer live at home.

Will it be door #1 or door #2? If neither then after a day call APS and have them do a wellness check.

Even though she may be discharged from rehab I can't really see her being able to come home and be cared for by dad.

Safety for both is the priority - tell him "you don't always get what your want".

Your father is concerned about money - do they have the resources to cover AL or MC or both? If not then they may need to apply for medicaid and have their resources split by the state - then his wife would probably have to find a medicaid bed in SN facility.

I wish you the best as you try and cross this minefield.
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Reply to cweissp
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Your health is important, as well.

He may not WANT to consent to help for HIM. But, he MUST, for you.

Help in the home, or help in a different setting is a NECESSITY now.

FOR YOU.
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Reply to cxmoody
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Depending on what the Dr.'s say about your stepmom this go round, it may not be a bad idea, to start the conversation with your dad about being time to look into moving to an assisted living facility, with one that has a memory care unit as well, just in case. If they are not going to let any home health aides in, then they won't have much of a choice but to move into a facility.
It is now at the point where your fathers and stepmoms safety is of utmost importance, and steps must be taken to ensure it. Best wishes.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Oh boy, l feel for you. You’re in a tough spot. It doesn’t sound like she is ready to go home. Is your dad aware of how serious her complications are from her falls?

Why did they refuse home health? Speak to the social worker and see what is recommended in these situations. Keep us posted on how things are going.

Wishing you and your family all the best.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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