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A very dear friend of mine cares for her mother of 95 in her home alone.
The last three months I have offered many times to help with more tasks about the home, supply transportation to and from doctor, shopping etc. She tells me that she can handle it all on her own, and doesn't want to trouble me.

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Next visit ask her what her plans are for the week. Then say, "I'd really like to help, I'm going to grocery or drugstore or whatever..."what can I pick up for you?" Or how about making some small meals, portioned for two, and bring over so she can easily freeze or re-heat. How about offering to sit with mom one morning or afternoon while she goes out with another friend?

Make a small basket with a few treats, some magazines, a book, all occasion cards or assortment of cards and stamps.

Or bring over breakfast or lunch with all the plates napkins, drinks, etc and spend some real time with her and her mother, maybe play a card game or scrabble together...or just visit. It will be so appreciated when you just take the initiative to plan and take the decision making off her. Certainly call the night before and tell her your plan.

It's hard for others to ask for or accept help, but kind gestures are always appreciated. Isolation for caregivers is so common and difficult as they watch friends move on or enjoy activities they can't schedule.

Good luck and let us know what works.
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The best thing you can give is respite care. The problem is the care recepient might not take to strangers. Maybe you could just visit several times a week, and see what needs to be done, laundry, taking the trash out, cleaning. Try and get to know the mother and what she needs. Slowly, very slowly, maybe you can take over some of the duties, till her mother likes and will allow you to stay with her, giving your friend a break. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be an emotional outlet, a shoulder on which to lean, an ear to pour all your friends sorrow and fear. Just knowing someone shares your burden is an immense relief.
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Is her mom mobile? Offer to take her mom somewhere! She may yearn (as I do) for just a few hours by herself at home.
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Be available when she needs to vent. sunflo2 had good suggestions. Being a caregiver is tough at the best of times. My husband is usually fine during the day (he has PD), but he "sundowns" at night. So maybe some relief at night would help, as well. And not too much TV! If she can handle it, and it's tough, try the games on lumosity.com. They are difficult, but designed by neurologists to exercise the brain, and they chart your progress. Three games a day are free, five are (I think) under $5 a month.
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As someone who is a very private person I can understand your friend's reluctance to accept help. Even if she wants it, it can be difficult to figure out how to incorporate a friend into your caregiving routine. What you may think is a simple trip to the doctor can actually be a much more complex routine that involves managing assistive devices, reassuring the charge who is afraid or unwilling to leave the house, etc. But friends who truly want to help like this are just the best. If it were me, I'd most appreciate something like sunflo2's great suggestion of a basket of treats with which to pamper myself--something I never get to do anymore. Also, if you're a good cook bringing over dinner sometimes is a wonderful idea. (For me and my charge mornings are the hardest and neither one of us would appreciate a morning visit, so dinner is better).
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Boy, would I have loved to have a friend like you! Let her do what she is doing, she will begin to wear from the stress and strain and will then welcome any and all help, that is if you feel like giving it at that point. No one person can do it all alone, I found this out the hard way. You sound like a wonderful friend.
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A friend asked what she could do to help me-I said call me once a week so I can talk to a normal person-she never did-I now past caregiving-he passed 4 yrs. ago-wish I had not been too proud or vein to ask for help-after a while people stop asking and if you are the friend just do some of the things listed above-getting a meal together may help more than you can imagine.
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vettemcb -- I'm caregiver for my 95-year-old mother, alone with her in her home, and can see you've already received excellent suggestions. What to do depends on the stage of the mother's dependency and what truly is needed by your friend. Find out by listening to her. And, most important, don't give up on her because she may not be able to live up to the usual expectations one has of a *friend.* Blessings for anything you are able to do.
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Be a friend, mostly by not only showing compassion (you certainly do already), but ensuring that your care giving friend feels the reality aside. By that I mean, take her out, have fun on whatever adventures/misadventures, and most of all communicate the good and bad; while sharing much joviality... Her Mom would've wanted for her daughter to be happy, so a brief, or longer, distraction outside are all good. Big smiles and thanks:D
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She probably feels that she doesnt want to bother anyone. That was my problem untill my nerves started getting the bestbof me. Daddys hospice nurse told me I couldnt do it all alone or I would be sick. Just offer to set with her mom a few hrs so she can have some slone time. Even if its just walking it helps. Or take food over so she want have to cook. Start slow she really wants help I did but didnt want to bother people. Hope this helps
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Some people may find accepting help for what is "their" responsibility hard to do. You have lots of good ideas given to you, especially the prepared food. Sometimes just not having to cook a meal is such freedom. One of the things I need most in caring for my mother is friends who will listen to me without judgement. Thank God for them. I can vent safely and just being there for your friend allowing her to share her feelings may be the greatest thing you can do.
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I also agree with the people who said be patient but be persistent. Don't give up! Care giving usually is a long, long process. Like others said, there will come a time when she will really need you and if you are there all along until that point comes you can catch her before she "falls".

I think saying your thoughts out loud to your friend might help. By that I mean saying things like:

"I'm not sure what to say to let you know how much I want to help you with this huge job you have."

"I don't mean to bug you but I know if I were caring for my mom I would just have to have someone to help. I want to be the friend to you that I would want if I were in your shoes."

"I know that if I were doing this for my loved one you would help me, please let me do something, anything for you."

"I care about you so much and I want to show it by joining you in this path that you are taking."

"I don't mean to make you feel like you aren't doing a FANTASTIC job because you are, I just want to be in your life and right now this is your life. Please let me be a part of your life!"

Again, DON'T GIVE UP!

Please tell your friend how awesome she is and how much you admire her and how much her mom surely appreciates her. And I say the same to you. You and your friend are both wonderful women!
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I just want to add that we all pray for friends and family like you. Most of us don't have them, from what I have experienced/read, so as everyone else has said, know how very much you will be appreciated!!!
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195Austin you have got it correct, caregivers ( many of them) have very few normal conversations, and welcome it with open arms, I have a friend that emails me every morning, no matter where she may be, she has become my rock, my daughter ( currently in UK temp) uses Face Time with my husband 3 times a week to assist me and calls me just about every day to keep my spirits up. one gets scared of asking someone like a friend just to stay with husband/mom etc for an hour or two, as all of us caretakers know that the tsunami could come at any time out of the ALZ patient and we sure don't want that happening to your friend, so we become protective. Redirecting is quite an art. we have friends (1pair husband & wife) that pick us up once or twice a week and we all go out for an early dinner. When getting to run to the grocery store for 20 minutes becomes the highlight of the week, anything is welcome.
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What a really wonderful friend you are! Wish you were my friend!!! As a fulltime carer I would love to be treated to a spa day or a massage, a facial,manicure,pedicure you could just get her a voucher and tell her youll sit with her mum while shes having a treatment?
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Something you can do if she will let you is to go with her and her mother on some of their appointments. Then you could see all that goes into it and help. Chances are your friend doesn't want to bother you, because she knows it can be like going on a vacation anytime they leave the house -- walkers, wheelchairs, changes of clothes in case of accidents, and eccentric things that our loved ones can insist on carrying.

AKAlicious said it so well. Maybe you can even invite them to your house for dinner. They might like that.
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Thank you for that wonderful question and all the posts were so helpful! I care for my 90 year old Mom and I often feel I can do it alone. She has lived in my home for 6 years but before that I was at her house everyday and then for years I helped with my Dad after a stroke and cancer. All of our situations are different. My Mom is mentally alert but has a Foley catheter and needs bathroom assists that would be uncomfortable for many friends to help. The mornings are difficult for us but afternoons and early evenings are usually better. Dinners brought in or even lunch would be so helpful and appreciated but even a visit for coffee would be a treat! A friend that cares and just wants to be with you is the greatest gift. I love being able to share with folks who understand like all of you!
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Then listen to her wishes, and be available to listen when she wants to talk. Forcing help is one of the most unhelpful things you can do to another. People are pretty resilient, and if she likes taking care of her 95 yr. old mom, then allow her to be who she is. You can bring the both of them flowers, or bake cupcakes, but leave the "doing" errands to your friend because this is the way she shows she loves her mother.
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Just to have someone else on the other end of the phone helps, at least, to me. I will need more, as this progresses, I know. But for now, I am fortunate to have sisters, family, and friends as a support group, even though they are far-flung across the country. I am so glad for cell phones, because I can talk to my sisters at any time. Or my daughter. Having a support group, however far away they are, makes a lot of difference.
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vettemcb; sunflo does have some wonderful things you can do.before my husband passed this may, i too was reluctant to have people at first come and give of their time or gifts. but i got to a place where i became exhausted, and the Lord started showing me to release some of the load. I did, and as the Lord knew, was a much needed blessing. your friend will see this also and is very fortunate and blessed to have you ready to jump in and be there in what ever capacity He would have you be. I will be praying for both of you and her mom. God's Blessings on you all.
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