My dad, now 87, has been living with my husband and our children and I for the last 18 years. (He is still very independent, so assisted living is not an option). He has always been very stubborn and prideful, and was physically and emotionally abusive when I was a child. As an adult, he and I had a fairly decent relationship (mostly because I shoved a lot of the trauma down) and he was almost 70 and dealing with a few health problems when we invited him to live with us. It has not been easy, but not the worst experience. We have been frustrated that for the last 12 of the 18 years, he has not paid rent, as we agreed upon when we purchased a house with an inlaw apartment. We've been willing to overlook that, but recently he has been incredibly emotionally abusive to our 13 year old son...accusing him of stealing things, interrogating him like he's a criminal, and then refusing to back off even after we find the things wherever he has misplaced them. All of his anger and yelling has stirred up so much of my trauma, and I won't let him do that to our kids. My husband and I both agree that he needs to go. Unfortunately, he has burned almost every bridge in our family because of his anger and pridefulness. None of my siblings are willing to take him in, and financially he really cannot afford anything. I am struggling with extreme guilt over "kicking out" my 87 year old dad, but I also know he's not going to change, and we can't have him in our home anymore. I just don't know what to do.
You TELL him that he needs to leave your home , just like you would tell any other person behaving like him towards your child .
He was also abusive to you as a child .
You owe him nothing . Nor should he have ever been allowed to move in with you all these years .
You may have to go to a lawyer to get him evicted . You can not have him around your child . If Dad lands unhoused on the streets, so be it . Your child comes first over a lifelong abusive father . Your siblings had the right idea not taking him in.
Call your local Agency of Aging as well . Get a social worker involved who can help Dad navigate Medicaid etc .
And stop saying Dad has too much pride . He’s a bully , plain and simple .
Yes you do -- you just don't want to experience his anger and the probable struggle over it. But there's no easy way around it, you have to go through it. Knowing it's coming will help you to get a spine and do it for yourself and your family -- who are your priority, fyi -- and not your jerk father.
You don't owe him anything, not even being "polite" about moving him out. So, there will be no "asking" him. He'll say no and you know this.
He seems to be sliding into dementia based upon the symptoms you described.
I think you should use a therapeutic fib: that the house is about to undergo some "major repair work" and they will be shutting off essential utilities and "everyone" needs to live elsewhere while this is happening.
You don't tell him anything. You find him a facility (I personally don't think he's IL material anymore... maybe AL) and you pack up his stuff and tell him it's his "temporary" apartment. He won't like it but too bad. Make sure he's the one paying for it with his own funds.
If he can't afford it, and you are not his PoA, please clarify this so we can give you alternative advice.
Also, have you ever considered therapy for your lack of boundaries with this man? Just because he's your bio father doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with him. If he doesn't have anyone else, who's fault is that? NOT YOURS, He's getting what he cultivated throughout his life, And he'd have had a lot less if he hadn't succeeded in grooming his victim: you.
I know it's a scary thing to go though and actually do. But think how scary he is to your children. You've been way more than generous -- for 18 years!!! Rely on your husband to have your back and stand up to him with you. And please get some counseling if you can, because this will be difficult and bring up past trauma. But you can do it. Let us know how it's going.
I hope you feel strong enough to start making some positive changes for you and your family soon.
If he does not move out you must LEGALLY evict him.
Why feel guilt about asking someone that is abusing your child to vacate the premises?
You may need to start the eviction process.
Give him info on senior housing or Section 8.
Hopefully it won't come to this. If his legal residence is the OP's home they can't just start moving his stuff out. He will have to be served with eviction and given a date by the housing court for when he has to be out by. Or he will have to be declared an incompetent, vulnerable adult and the court will appoint a conservator/guardian or POA to make his decisions. Then he can be moved out without going through the eviction process.
However, from what you have written, I do believe that he is developing dementia, in which case medical people should be involved. He needs an assessment and probably treatment for his paranoid behaviour. He certainly needs to be out of your home ASAP.
You might consider talking to your own dr about the situation as it is affecting your health and (s)he may be able to bring in some resources to properly place your dad. My mother was life long emotionally abusive due to Borderline Personality Disorder. I was her POA and would never have taken her into my home. Nonetheless, as she developed dementia. finding the way through to proper care for her was not easy. I found it helped greatly once the right medical people were involved - in our case a geriatric psychiatrist and a social worker.
Wishing you the best. I know this is not easy.
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