My mother passed in 1/21. She was in AL until almost the very end. Us sisters (4 of us) shared the care of Mom. We each took a specific doctor and that person would do all the visits for that doctor so we wouldn't have to bring another person up to speed. The oldest sister lived in the same town as Mom and didn't take her to doctor visits but would visit Mom 2-3 times a month to share a meal....until covid. For the most part, the division of labor worked well. My oldest sister was also co-trustee on mom's finances with me. I did it all (paying bills, taxes etc) - she was a second set of eyes. However, she has frequently shut down from depression and was uncommunicative and didn't respond to emails or phone calls. That made it hard when we needed forms signed by both of us, etc.
When Mom passed, we needed sister's signature on things in order to process the estate. She wouldn't come in and sign documents, as it made Mom's death too 'final'. It basically took a call from the estate lawyer to get her in to sign everything so we could proceed.
My sister's share of the estate freed her up financially to be able to quit her job (she is 67) and she seemed much happier. Laughing, volunteering, attending get togethers with the family, staying overnight etc - seemed like a different person. However, she now seems to be dropping into depression again - not responding to emails etc.
Sister is a hoarder. No one has been in her house in at least a decade. She, and everything that comes out of her house, smells like mildew. She has told us her hot water heater doesn't work, her fridge is broken, etc. We've offered to help her with her house in the past, and she shuts us down. (ie help replace broken appliances, install the cabinets she bought for her kitchen, etc). We would hope to be able to help clean up her house so that it works and doesn't have mildew - so she can enjoy it.
Today I googled 'does mildew/mold contribute to depression' and there is a correlation! However, us sisters have no idea how to approach her on this without putting her into more of a depression and/or having it push her away from us. We don't want her to feel judged but we also don't want her health to suffer. If we called APS, she would probably know it was us.
Any suggestions on how to present this to her?
p.s. We don't 'gang up' on her - if anything, the dynamic is 2/1/1 with me being the other 'loner'. The other two sisters have kids the same ages, etc, so they kind of naturally do things together.
"Hey Sis, I just read this article that says depression can be triggered by mildew. Maybe that's why you aren't feeling well. Let's try cleaning this house and making it sparkle to see how you feel. It'll probably take six months of it being clean for you to know it's making a difference, but it's worth a try, right?"
You might also talk (a little later) about POAs and such. Does she have one? Who is going to help her when she no longer can help herself (which seems to be sooner than anyone thinks)?
So I don't know what to tell you except to wish you good luck trying to broach this subject with your sister. Unless she wants help decluttering and cleaning up the mildew covered home (and I know what you mean there....SILs home reeks of some odor I can't quite pinpoint, but it's nasty), she won't budge or let you into assist. You can't save a person from herself, that's the moral of the story. Hoarding is an anxiety disorder which usually worsens after a traumatic event; my SIL got much worse after her sister died this past November, sadly.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a way to talk to your sister. Maybe just ask her if she'd like help Spring cleaning her house? I can't imagine anyone taking offense to such an offer.
I don't have any suggestions but I guess I needed to vent (again) and let OP know he/she is not alone.
The moral of the story: no authorities can 'make' an elder stop hoarding. All they need to have is a tiny path for the EMTs and fire dept to get into the house to rescue the person if need be.
Four years ago a woman I know with Dementia was taken from her apt leaving her 400# son with challenges behind. The neighbor called APS every day to tell them about the smell coming out of the apt. There answer, he can live like that if he wants to. I had delivered some stuff to them so I know what they were talking about. I kept in touch with the son to make sure he was OK and he assured me that a friend was helping. After a month I found out no one told him his Mom was not returning, APS had placed her in a home. At this point I had to wrack my brain to figure who to get to help him. I had a friend who was a SW so I called her. She had helped this woman and her son before. So she called a friend at the health department and they got H out of that apartment and in the same NH as his Mom. In almost 4 years he has lost 200#. He is near his Mom so happy with that. He is very easy to please. His Moms Dementia has worsened, of course. He is doing so well his brother picked him up and H is now living with him 900 miles away. He seems to be doing OK.
Do you suspect Mom's passing is behind your sister's latest depressive behaviour? Or has she often had 'cycles' of depression?
Maybe some gentle encouragment for her to seek medical advice & counselling? What has worked for her before?
Does she suffer from another health condition making movement painful or exhausting? I'm thinking that could explain being unable to clean up or wash? Or maybe money or trust problems preventing her hiring tradies to fix what's broken?
Basically, the change will need to come from her. If she has (or can gain) some insight into what knocked her down black dog alley it can help lead the way out.
We all knew she was a hoarder, but until everything came out of closets and drawers, etc., none of us had any idea it was THIS BAD.
We hauled out 4 enormous boxes to go to GoodWill and there are probably 10 more not quite ready to go.
WHY did she own 6 pairs of sticky plastic salad tongs? She hasn't made a salad in 25 years? Why did she have Tupperware than was older than my 56 yo baby sister? WHY? She had over 1000 greeting cards. WHY??
At first is was kind of funny. Then as we all slowly began coughing and developed runny eyes and sneezes, we realized we were stirring up some nasty stuff--mildew, moth infestations, birds that were never cleaned and their filthy cage--we just opened all the windows and put up fans and kept on working. All 4 of us were sick by the end of the day. We powered through and I, for one, am looking at my house in a different light. I took one small box of memorabilia to give the kids and that's it.
And I am going to clean out MY storage next week after the funeral. I only moved in 8 months ago but I am so worried I will begin hoarding.
It's most definitely an illness and honestly? Not one I have EVER seen 'cured' or even made significantly better.
Mom's was not the dirtiest hoard I've ever encountered, but it was worse than I'd thought. I had kicked off my shoes and was barefoot and I made the comment that the carpeted floors were 'sticky'. My SIL just said "you might want to wash your feet. The carpet has been saturated with urine so many times we can't get it out anymore". I had washed my feet and put my shoes back on in record time.
I think all of us kids went away from there with the burning desire to throw out about half of our 'junk'.
And my experience with calling APS? Less than worthless. A person has to want to change and they rarely do.
Mom was totally nose-blind to the smell, but did wonder why people only visited her in the common living room.
It was NOT for lack of helpers that she let this happen. She just loved everything she owned with a mad passion. A person who can throw away junk mail cannot imagine how it feels to toss a piece of mail that may, someday, be worth something.
Gosh yes I need to start purging too! I'm sure I have hoarding genes 😖.
I like 'stuff'.
I dislike change.
But so far common sense prevails. I can see how depression, illness, mobility or cognition issues could override common sense though.
How you proceed with this is by each of you writing down your feelings and telling your sister straight. Then take turns telling her what she means to you and that it's breaking your hearts seeing her suffer because of how she's living. She needs help and all of you have to be willing to help her. She also needs psychological care and therapy to help her with the depression and hoarding disorder. The interventionist/mediator can help get her connected with this kind of care.
Your sister also needs to know that unless she's willing to accept help and work with the people who are there to help her, then none of you will have her in your lives. Good luck to you and your family and I hope your sister will accept recovery.