I'm a 30 years old immigrant living in South Cali , since I came here to us the next day my mom had a stroke she was in intensive care then in a wheelchair now a walker but she can be indepent, few months later that my mom got the struck I met a guy who introduced me to drugs , but I never stop taking care of my mother, I used to leave to do my thing, and come to cook and do everything and hear her complaints so I was coping my pain wiht meth in consequense of my drugs use I start having really sick relationships , and getting in trouble , like that was for about 4 years . All this emotional pain and struggle have me start a procces what I called spiritual awakining , and I realize that I need help so I went to rehab on agust 2018 also I went psycology , therapists ,psychiatric, life coaches I read books , I went school having my busniss degree this year , also I help my brother in guatemla sending boxes of etems to sell ther so they can live better and is so estreesfull
I feel like I'm other person , now I see how my mother are refusing to change in order to be better but she is not wheeling to do the work she closed her mind on her old way of thinking so she not only bit hear self up but affect me, I have relapsed 3 times since I went to rehab , I feel like she and my brothers abusing of my kindnes , well im leting them do it, but I dono not how to do it diferent , I feel bad for hear , but she is not willing to change or atlest accept others oppinion . I'm afraid to leave if I cant hold a job , I have 3 year working from home as a web designer , and I help people to publish books , plus I get paid taking care of her. From this point I have not friends because since I came I start using drugs , and I'm not willing to go back .
I didn’t understand any of it. How could I have understood about the complexity of addiction? I didn’t know about peer pressure and how my brother would cave when his friend asked him to try drugs with him.
Later still, I ended up caring for him, because in spite of it all, I loved him as a brother, then having to step away because he refused rehab.
I was always afraid of being arrested being around him. I had a husband and children, mom and dad to look after, a job, volunteer work, finally becoming a full time caregiver to mom.
I had to stop caring for him. I had the chance to say my goodbyes and to forgive. I am so grateful for that.
I watched him overdose as a young kid on up but my biggest fear was one day he wouldn’t be revived and die in front of me or that I would just find him dead.
At least I saw him die in the end of life hospice facility. There was no HepC cure yet.
Maybe my silver lining is that through therapy I understand a whole lot more and chose to let go of hard feelings for my brother and I do have enormous compassion for those who suffer with addiction.
Thanks for your kind words. They make me feel better. You are a lovely woman.
Most people relapse, especially under a great deal of stress. I will not judge you. I do not want you to feel shame. I am so proud of you for reaching out. That is a big step.
I have supported friends that got caught up in drugs. I have friends that I have seen come out on the other end. They made it and so can you.
Everyone has made bad choices about one thing or another in their lives. Yours happens to be drugs. You can beat this. It’s not easy. But you can if you do what you need to do for you.
I am telling you that you have to eliminate anything, including people who will cause you to use again.
I realize these are not normal times and there are no group meetings at this time due to social distancing but there are online groups. Can you find one? Tell me your city and I will look it up for you if you need me to.
I lost a brother to drugs. He died several years ago. I don’t have to lecture you about drugs. You know the damage it causes but look how you fought to overcome. Fight now. Fight with all your might.
Drugs became an escape for you not to feel pain. Some people drink. Some people are shopaholics, some develop eating disorders and so on. You are not a bad person.
You did rehab. You know the 12 steps. Find your higher power. Do you have a sponsor? Call them every single day if you have to.
Have you forgiven yourself? That is important to do. Do not self abuse. I watched my brother self abuse because he felt unworthy. I beg you not to repeat what he did. You are worthy. Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t.
Cherish your brother, Elaine. You are blessed. I lost mine. You may not believe this because he was an addict but he was the most kind of my brothers. He was lost. Long story. I shouldn’t dump my past issues with him on you. Sorry.
I miss him. In spite of the pain. I miss him. I don’t expect everyone to understand. Families can become so complicated.
What is the reason you can't hold a job? Drugs? or something else? You're in a very unhealthy situation. It seems to me it is best that you move out. You will need a stable job before you move out. So, start looking at employment ads and sending out resumes.
Turn off your Caps Lock please, no need to shout.