How to answer where "HOME" is to a loved one in AL when they're experiencing transition trauma and struggling with this concept. Advice?

We told my Mom that she was going to her new apartment and meeting new friends. The word home was never used. When I left it was "see ya later". My daughter sometimes said she needed to get to work. My Mom never asked to go home. I never took her to see the old home either.

And home is not always the last place they lived. It could be a childhood home, the first one they had when they married. You need to get this person involved in the activities. When u visit take them to the common area. Come on a day there is a party or entertainment and take them out to see what is going on. The staff should be encouraging this too.

Have you asked social services at his residence to recommend a geriatrics trained psychiatrist/psychologist/neurologist to do an assessment of his cognitive/affective condition(s)?

Almost EVERY new arrival at even the best residential facility experiences adjustment issues, and when my beautiful LO became severely anxious and depressed, I was able to make an extremely helpful connection to the house psychiatric services connected to her facility.

With a small judiciously chosen amount of medication, she grew comfortable and confident in her new surroundings, and we who love her grew confident that she was safe, eating well, and enjoying her new life bit by bit.

Covid ruined everything, but even now, 3 years later and on hospice, she is still receiving excellent care.

There is no special advice to speed this process, for some, almost immediate, for others, months.

As someone who loves him, allow your father to realize that YOU are happy that he’s in a safe and cordial place. Good for you both!

I have dealt with the same thing with my dad who is now in late stages of dementia. My sister's thought I was evil by placing him from rehabilitation into a memory care facility (it was on the recommendation and referral of the rehabilitation center). He kept wandering and tried to leave and would get aggressive (dementia). He kept saying he wanted to go home, if anyone talked to him about home he couldn't really explain it. I always just say this is home for now. It helps the conversation and not dwelling on the current moment. I try to make sure he has pictures, things in his room and blankets he may recognize. I wish you luck it's not an easy road.

Let dad know this apartment is where he's living now; this is his new home. Don't expect him to grasp the concept, however, as many elders do not. If dementia is at all at play, the question will keep being asked, over and over again, and still not being understood. They have a concept of 'home' which sometimes translates to the home they grew up in, depending on what age they're at mentally at the time they want to go home. Even when dementia is not an issue, confusion about time and place comes into play, making them wonder where 'home' is and why they're living in a new place.

So, after all that is said, there is no 'good answer' to orienting your father to the AL and that it's his new home. Just encourage him to get out and socialize, make friends, play cards with the other men (that was a big one for my dad and helped him a LOT), eat meals in the dining room, etc. Time is the great healer of all wounds. The longer he lives there, the more familiar everything and everyone feels to him, and the more it feels like 'home' to him as he finds his way around the building. When the other residents and caregivers start saying Hi John, how are you? every day, then he'll feel like a regular and not a stranger anymore.

Best of luck to both of you!

The best you can do is surround them with things they recognize from their own home (photos, knick-knacks) and reassure them that they are home and safe.

That level of disorientation three months in makes me wonder if AL was the right choice rather than memory care.