Dad is 88 and contemplating the next step which eventually will be moving out of his home of 50 years (he is by himself) to another place, And that might well be assisted living. He has driven and visited his friend at her assisted living facility. He said they get up in the morning, eat, go to an activity, then go to lunch, then go to an activity, then eat, then go to an evening movie, then they sleep. Then they get up and do it all over again. He said to me, do you call this LIVING? This with the implication that it was not 'living'. I had to scramble to respond to him. He is very very independent. I said it would be up to him to make friends, decide what activities he would or would not do. In addition he could have his friends pick him up and drive him to other activities. He could take a taxi to events. He could email and use the phone to connect. He could use the internet.
But that was the best I could come up with. Yes, at 88 there would be RESTRICTIONS, and you need to live within those restrictions, it would not be like the way it was at 50 years of age.
Do you have any advice on how to respond to my dad about living in such an assisted living community and how he could still feel independent and 'alive'?
Best,
D. Varga
The only thing that didn't work for my mom is that she doesn't get dressed most days, so going down to meals wasn't working for her. So we get a break of $150/month and I bring mom her food and she fixes it in her microwave. She also has a fridge. But I can take her out (she no longer drives) or she could call a taxi or a friend could take her somewhere. So there's a lot of freedom to do what you want to do.
I agree with Cwillie. What does your dad feel like he's giving up by moving to independent living?
I would compare assistive living to a buffet, there is house keeping, meals, laundry service, social contact and group activities and more if he chooses to take advantage of them. But if he lets staff know his preferences he can still veg in his room or sleep until noon if that is his style. Often they can keep a little fridge in the room for beverages, snacks and light meals, and when he wants to spend a night out on the town all he needs to do is let someone know so they won't be worried about him. And someone WILL be worried about him if he breaks his normal routines, that is one of the advantages!
Can your dad pinpoint for himself what would be missing from his life if he moved to a Senior Community?
I would also suggest a book for you both. On Being Motsl, by Atul Gawande.
Well really right now he is ready for independent living in an apt in a senior community. He needs to have someone else cook his food. One where there are others approx. his age. He could still have a car assuming he could still be good enough to drive.
I recently dispelled his notion that he would be eligible for his LTC to pay for 'assisted living' if he declared that living in his house was 'too much'. In reality he would have to have his LTC care giver see if he could not do 2 of the ADL's to trigger the LTC. He can do all the ADLs.
But even in a senior living community, there are many similarities to assisted living. There are the meals, the communities activities and sleep, get up and do it all again. True the independent community activities can involve a bus and going places. True many people would have a car.
Life is what you make it, and that includes living life with restrictions.
The loss of the car would have a huge impact on his psyche.
Understandably living in increasingly assisted living situations, with a nursing home at the final stop, is very upsetting to him.
I do not know where I am going with this. I feel like I need to come up with some answers he can accept and hold on to.
Thx!
Dave
When we realized that my mom couldn't live alone anymore, we thought that AL (assisted living ) was the answer. It was more than mom needed at the time, and the wrong kind of assistance.
Does your dad need assistance in remembering to take his meds( AL can assist with this), help with showering (again, AL). Or does he just need to be somewhere where there are folks around for socialization, meals prepared and served?
What restrictions is he chafing at? ALs are not prisons and in most of them, one can come and go as they please. What is it that would make it "living" in your dad's eyes?