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Dad has Parkinsons and early dementia, I help out mom so she can focus more with dad and get some relief so far the last 5 to 6 years - they live on their own (technically), but at this point they need more help. I am the closest of the 3 siblings so I am there from doctors appts, grocery, entertainment, church and even parents' errands.
My dilemma is if I help them I feel that they rely on me alone and refuse to move in with my brothers but if I don't--- I feel guilty that I don't help them. I have 2 brothers, and both live 2 to 5 hours away, both bothers offered to take them in but both parents are stubborn to let go of their space and so-called independence---but if I am not there, how can they even do the simple errands. Sometimes I feel I need to provide tough love so they realize that they need help, but they are my parents i feel really bad/guilty that I am not able to assist.
I understand that it's really hard to let go of your own space but then mom needs more help especially at night---my brothers are really good dealing with my dad's tantrums or outburst.

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I was told I needed to put myself first. Mom lives an hour away and I have only been on phone with her, and physical therapist but I am emotionally worn out. She lives at home. I feel a little guilt. Feel like I need to force help on mom. But dont have the energy right now. Plus she probably will have one visit from helper and tell them noy to come back. Its not just money or independence. Its tied up in how my brother would respond. Continuously. Over and over again. He lives with her but does very little for her.

Barbara
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Have a telephone conference call with your 2 brothers. Mention all the work you do for them and suggest hiring a caregiver for them that can do some of the errands and work that you've been doing. Since your parents don't want to move in with them, ask them to contribute financially. If your parents can contribute also that would free up even more time for you. The c/g could even help with your Dad's care. One day a week would not be too costly.
It is so hard trying to run 2 households. I'd hate to see you get burned out. It should be a shared venture between the 3 of you.
Good luck.
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The issue you describe is not uncommon. If it gets harder and harder for your parents - they might consider assisted living. Do they have any friends who have moved to AL? If they visited and saw a few places - they might consider it.

My cousins recently did a "tough love" with their mom who lived in a hoarder -clutter, unheated, falling down old farmhouse. They told her they could no longer do all of her house repairs, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, shoveling, lawn mowing, trips to the doctor, etc. they did continue to help her a few hours a week but obviously it wasn't all that she needed. She was very angry. She got church members to call and yell at them too. But the 2 siblings held firm "this is what we can do". They didn't cut mom off - still helped a little but had drawn the line AND suggested for fee-services in the area, offered to take her to assisted livings, etc. Finally she went and toured a few places - fell in love with one that let her bring a pet - and she moved in. AND L O V E S it.

Decide what you can do with good will and love. If your parents are competent to make (bad) decisions - they need to figure out how to get things done. There are plenty of people they can pay to do stuff. Or they might decide they can't do it all. But, THEIR house and problems and NOT YOURs to solve. Help with what you are willing to do, love them, and to heck with guilt.
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Bless you for helping them. You should not feel guilt. You certainly might feel regret that they are not as independent; don't confuse that with guilt. If you are giving them one day a week you are doing your part.
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