How to address subject about a cremated loved ones ashes?

Chicago, it is what I'm doing. My father's ashes are in an urn in the back room. I suggested to my mother that we scatter hers and Dad's ashes together at her childhood home after she dies. She like that idea, so we got permission to do it from my cousin who owns the land. It's nice to get final wishes arranged.

Are they in your FIL's basement? It's his call on what to do with the ashes. Did your MIL have any requests about what to do with them? Your husband could gently remind his dad that mom always wanted her ashes scattered in the fine jewelery department at Neiman-Marcus, or wherever her preference was.

There's a company called Rock of Ages out of Rutland, Vt., that has makes urns in a variety of price ranges. They're lovely people, and they'd be glad to send your father a brochure, or he could check out their website.

Your MIL, of course, is not really under the basement stairs; she's moved on to another plane, or Heaven, or been reincarnated, or whatever happens to people when they die, but dealing with her cremains is a good idea before your FIL dies or goes into a nursing home, at which time they'd become your problem.

Perhaps your dad wants to be buried with his wife's ashes. Has anyone ever asked him? You're family for goodness sakes. Ask him. My FIL was in a box from the funeral home for a year and a half. When MIL passed, both of their ashes were buried together. We had a small grave side gathering when they were buried. It was beautiful. Ask him.

My marriage was filled with two-way respect. Even after Coy developed dementia that respect continued to be so evident that visiting nurses commented on it. That his ashes are still in the cardboard box in a velvet bag gathering dust has absolutely nothing to do with respect or disrespect. (It probably has something to do with my housekeeping, but that is another topic.)

IF one of our kids came to me and said, "It would mean a lot to me to be able to do xyz with Dad's ashes," I would probably get around to spooning out some ashes into the little butterfly urn I bought for the purpose, check to see if any other kids would like some of the ashes, and give the remains to the one who asked. IF anyone asked. You want something done with the ashes, you ask. (I suggest you leave out any reference to respect, as that might sound critical.)

I bought the little urn because I'm kind of sentimental. It has nothing to do with being respectful. But I find that each time I look at the urn I smile in memory. I guess it doesn't really matter if I actually put some ashes in it or not. It is serving its purpose.

And to lighten this conversation...Mom passed in April, we are to wait for Dad to pass and then wait for the DOG to pass and then fire them all out of a cannon over the lake at the family farm, that we no longer own ! I can well imagine that the new owners will be thrilled and that no attention will be paid whatsoever when we roll a cannon through that rural town. Git Er Done!!!!

Get that cannon out and shoot em up there!

If you choose to scatter the ashes, please be aware that there may be a metal tag in the ashes that needs to be removed before you do it. (If it bothers you to go through the cremains to find it, have someone else do it - it's not a pleasant task and was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but was necessary.) I don't know where you are located, but in my state, if you scatter ashes and get caught by the DNR, there's a large fine involved. Also, if you don't remove the metal tag and the DNR finds it later, it can be traced back to you and you will be fined.

Just a tip.

I'm gripped by all this information about regulatory matters and cremation. Wooh! - what happens if you trip and drop them? And how do the authorities get to know? I'm agog.

VS, quite right about Islam. Whereas in Hinduism cremation is mandatory, and must be done en plein air (they have special crematoria which comply with public health and safety requirements too). It's yet another reminder that what all ritual boils down to is respect: having and applying an accepted method for dealing with life. We just have to let each other get there in our own way.

One of my reasons for preferring cremation is to avoid using land space for burial. So interring the ashes makes no sense to me. A souvenir for the mantelpiece works for me. So does scattering, but I want to keep it distinctly separate from littering or disposing of trash. But I'm cool with other people's preferences.

If one relative has the ashes and other relatives have a different idea of what should be done with those ashes, the logic thing is simply to talk about it.

By the way, "a souvenir for the mantelpiece" sounds very disrespectful. It isn't.