How to tell mom/MIL that she MUST move out of our home and into a low income apartment near by?

First, I know you meant well, but please don't every say... I told you so. That's not helpful and can hurt an already hurt person.

The thing that works for me and my family in many situations is to 'set the expectations'. What ever is happening that is good and not good, should be addressed. Your neighbor should list the things she wants to address and construct a conversation with MIL and her husband where they address those things.

Some of the MOST challenging and emotional things in my life have been addressed simply by approaching the situation by setting expectations. For example, at my son's encouragement, I approached my sister... who had for my entire life, been nasty. I told her that we were about to journey through a very emotional process and I am committed to being kind and loving. My sister immediately apologized to me for things that she has done, because her emotions go the best of her. I didn't even think she knew she acted badly and then she committed to being kind and loving. It's working.

Think about how the MIL must feel, even though we can't fathom it. She may be very scared. I for one have no idea what it must feel like to be alone at that age. Her behaviors may be based on huge fear and discomfort. With a clear discussion of the two settings, both the home and the independent living situation, perhaps the MIL could decide to step up, when given the clear chance to participate in the discussion.

Sometimes I think we hope when we are that age that people will treat us kindly and will include us in a rational discussion, but I have NO idea how scared and emotional I will be at that time of life. I hope people in my family will give me a chance to pull myself together and to try to be nice after I have failed to be nice, because of my fear and nutty feelings.

What are the things she can bring to the family? Tell your friend to think about it and.. say what she will do ... then ask for what she wants. Kindly and clearly.

Tell your friend to be kind and be clear. Don't be vague about what she is willing to do and what she expects, but be kind... she should say it with a kind and caring smile and show concern without offering to give up on her own life and family.

I agree with Eyerishlass... dialogue is so important. There is a level of fear in the elderly that they are not so eager to talk about but it exists for various reasons. My mother could no longer live alone and we moved her to assisted living and unfortunately for her, through unforseen events, she is now in Long Term care. It takes a while for some seniors to settle in and find their niche' but just being a source of encouragement for her is important, they are easily overwhelmed and those feelings can easily be turned into negative attitudes. The important thing is be consistant, stay positive no matter what, and encourage - encourage - encourage.

Having gone through this several times in my family (with grandma and grandpa) a dialogue has to begin with the family and their mom. Everyone involved has to be on the same page, that this is what we're going to do and now we just have to get mom on board. My grandma was adamant about not moving until the 2nd time we approached her in another family meeting and told her that she could decorate her little apartment any way she liked. That's when she began accepting it. But it took several family meetings with my grandma and a lot of resolve on our parts. She was going to move, we just needed to figure out that magic phrase that would get her there. We didn't demand. We approached her softly and respectfully but we knew this was going to happen. We chipped away at my grandma little by little, in increments, and she finally relented.

It's not just about having to move which is stressful enough but it's giving up independence (in my grandma's mind) even though we were trying to get my grandma into an assisted living. She had preconceived notions of what assisted living was and we had to quash those so we took her on a tour.

This life change for the mom should be a process. Baby steps. Don't overwhelm her. Plan the family meeting and decide what little goal is to be accomplished at the first meeting. Then leave it alone for a while, let the idea sit with her and approach her again. We all knew my grandma WAS going into AL even though my grandma wasn't aware of it but we had to treat her with respect and appreciate the implications of what we were suggesting, how upsetting it would be for her.

We convinced her after about a month-and-a-half. After she got moved and things settled down she was very happy in her apartment.

What if the MOM cannot afford assisted living or senior apartments, but living with 47 y.o. daughter and 10 y.o. son is not working out. Everyone assumes elderly have money - but many do not (because of unforseen circumstances).
Stuck in a corner.

The key here (from experience with my mom) is make the MOVING part a non-choice. We offered my mom short stay options, etc. she refused them all. She quite frankly had lost a great deal of her decision making capacity at that point, but we didn't realize that. Only when we TOLD her that she was going to move did she accept the idea.

Some assisted living places have short stay options so that it is possible to go to try it out without committing to a permanent stay. If that is possible, your mother-in-law might have the chance to make new friends and discover that she won't be alone most of the time.

"Mom, this isn't working out for us; we're going to help you move to those nice apartments over in (section of town). We'll come to visit twice a week; it'll be better for all of us. You won't be alone, you'll make friends there. I've talked to the manager and they have two apartments we can go look at tomorrow"

Maybe the place has some open activities that the Mom could try out. Does anyone at the church or the exercise place live there? Maybe they could invite her to something or to their place for coffee or something.

BonnieW,
Hi! It has been my expierence that friend's who have moved loved ones into " nice retirement homes, assisted living, etc., " end up loving it. I know my grandmother did, but she never wanted to be a burden ( how she put it), to any of her children. She did do a great deal of manipulation with my mother's free time ( my mom worked a lot before she passed ). But, my mom never put any limitations in place; she would just come home and complain to me.
Your friend may get the help of a minister or geriatric case manager to aid in telling her that she will have to move. Let the mom know that she is loved and people will still visit and there will be all kinds of activities.
It is not an easy task, to tell anyone that they have to move, but to save your friend's sanity and relationship with mom, it has to done. After all, it is her home.
Also let her know, that mom can come over for dinners and holidays. I think most older people fear being alone all the time and people forgetting about them.
I have four cousins who never visited my grandmother, in assisted living, while she was alive and they lived in the same town. I know that hurt my grandmother terribly, but she did have my family.
Hope it helps,
Dina