She is 72 and in generally good health. I'm seeking help for my neighbor(s). Her mother was recently widowed and brokenhearted...invited to come live with daughter,sil, twin 10yr old boys...It is not working out at all!
The only solution to save the relationship is for MIL to move to local senior apartments near by. But, MIL doesn't want to live alone. This is really tough. Any suggestions? MIL thinks she is unable to live alone due to one little medical issue after another.
The daughter (mid-40's) came to talk to me about this earlier today. And, I said "I told you so" with a smile.
Now she wants to know how to tell Mom that she just must move?
Any suggestions?
She moved from Fla. to Seattle area. I've been friends with daughter's family for over 15 years and know the family dynamics there. also, have introduced MIL/Mom to our local community church w/their grief counselling group as well as Sunday morning services. And exercise group at senior community center 3 x a week, just across the street from the apartments where she could live...
If daughter and sil tell Mom/MIL that she should move because she will be happier...I don't think that will work as she will come up with excuses or try to deny any problems.
Etty Hillesum
An Interrupted Life I copied this from a facebook post tonight that helped me in the midst of another hideous episode with my husband and his horrible mother.
My own tale continues rather sadly--, my dear friend who you remind me of is actually the sister of my once best friend in the whole world growing up. Her sister, my now friend, was a few years older than me and way too cool back then to be her little sister's friend. I say once because we are no longer friends. It is really heart wrenching to say tht but it is true. Unlike her sister my old best friend grew up to be very mean. She has had a lot of physical illnesses - some of her own auto immune issues but not the same as her Mom -more like Lupus and for years I tired to stay her friend because of her issues ( and herr Mom's quite frqnkly who was sick for years and years) but she just became so mean and nasty to me. She really hated that I got married. And she tried to turn my husband against me. She really did. I even forgave her that. I even forgave her when she tried to call my husband and get him to meet her in our home town for what she said were "business meetings". She would call his work and tell his boss that she wanted to meet with him to discuss possible business deals. My husband told his boss she was full of it and she never did get to have her dinners with him. She has a history of taking my boyfriends from me. I did not find this out until years later when a few of them told me how she would call them and tell them I was a b***ch and she told one I was not interested in him. They both ended up dating her!! I was not in love with either of them and I so cared for her that I let this go-but when I found out she actually manipulated behind my back I was much more hurt but I still forgave her!!! I struggled with my feelings for her for years. We're so close until , I would say my senior year in high school. But from then until just recently I tried so hard to make our friendship work. And then her parents got so very very sick and I knew I could not abandon her. During this time her sister and I had strted to talk more and develop are own friendship. Her parents passed away and she became all the more hateful. I felt terribly sorry for her. She was alone, -she dated but always seemed to hate her boyfriend and broke up with them and then got back together and then broke up and then back together -- she moved. She was miserable and she hated anyone who wasn't. But I tried so hard to stay friend's because I had such a hard time letting go and because I felt so bad for her. But it finally got too much to bear and I told her I was done. I told her that she would forever have a place in my heart but that I think we just no longer work as friends. But, see, the thing is during all this time her sister and I became very close. She lives right by my parents so when we visit my Mom and Dad she and her family are right there. Her kids are sweet to my girl and my girl loves them all. But my old best friend, her sister, is furious at our relationship. So just a few days ago the older sister - the one who is now my friend- emailed me to chat and I told her that I felt bad about being her friend and causing contention between her and her sister and I did not know if we should stay friends. I told her it was up to her and her sister but I have yet to hear back. HOW IS THAT FOR DRAMA? It breaks my heart to think I could lose my friend but I cannot allow my old friend back into my life. She just got waaaay to toxic. Any thoughts. Anyone?
As The World Turns right here on AgingCare.
Absolutely stay friends with any person regardless of race, gender or sibling status that you want to have friendly relations.
Embrace the "new best friend" and be thankful. Friendship is so precious and very important. You allowed the friends into your life and heart...one hurt you and one hasn't. Who do you want to call at night or in the morning to talk about the day? That is the best friend.
hugs, new friend,
"Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me"
A favorite hymn.
How are you doing?
Thank you Bonnie for your thoughts! I still have not heard back from my friend -the sister. I hear you about friend's being rare but my first friend was really making it hard on her sister for friending me and I did not want to hurt her-the sister. But I get so mad when I think about it because ---oh, cr*p--- I have to let it go!! What is done is done. If sister friend wants to continue wiht our friendship I will be thrilled but if not , well, what can I do. I do not want to get in between two sisters.
I saw your post from before about your dear friend and drinking. I remember now. That is a tough one. I did not read the new responses yet, I will go there next ( my daughter banished me from her side to play with her sticker books -- I come on the forum when I am banished! Haha but soon I will have to bathe her and get her ready for bed).
I am kind of glad to hear that you got a little put out when asked to take E out. I would hate for you to be taken advantage of. But it sounds like you know what you are doing and a smart cookie :0) any more segments to the story? Please tell. I really am interested. I will tell you why I am so interested, I think. Because you are a rarity!!! You actually get involved in your neighbors' lives and reach out and that is rare. I do too, to be honest. Not to pat myself on the back I just do. I think it is because I am a stay at home Mom and have the time to. So many people at busy and just don't. But, see, I said this to Capnhardass - all my neighbors see me struggle with my daughter and here needs and they all say things like how hard it must be and how grateful they are that their kids aree normal ( no kidding!!!- my one guy neighbor said this to me!! But he is really quite a red neck and I really think his intentions were good so I let it slide. Well, I told him that my daughter may be difficult and all but that she is the love of my life and I wouldn't trade her for anything or anyone!!!) but they see us struggle l they see her wanting to play wiht their "normal"kids and my husband and I literally begging the kids to just play Simon Says with her for a few minutes -yes, she is demanding and wants to always be Simon but we stay by her and help her make good decisions ,--they hear her screams at night and her wailing. But do they EVER offer to help? ( well, that isn't true-our one nieghbors have but only after we got a pool - that sounds,horrible-- they aren't bad people -they just strted to swim at our house -their kids -and so the pool kinda of drew them to us and they offered to help --sorta--- actually -you know they say they want to help but they constantly try and tell my daughter to leave their boys alone--in the pool. I feel like saying if you do not want our daughter to play with your kids GET OUT OF OUR POOL!!! Oh my , i digressed . Sorry.) but the rest of the neighbors-- and we have a lot- nope nada. But then I see you on here and I just know you would offer to help and it gives me hope in humanity!!! Hearing how you go out of your way to help your neighbors , I think, is awesome. I worry you may get hurt but I love that you are so caring!!!! So kudos to you, my new friend !! ((((hugs)))))
Hey girl, I'm a Quaker...Peace and Non-violence. so Hell NO, do not put up with any violence in your home.
God bless you, and yours -- Ayerish Lass, too : )