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I know that's THE 'BIGGIE'! When things are going well (a small part of the time) she"ll hugs me and say,
"thanks for putting up with me - I love you so much - please don't ever leave me anywhere!" My heart feels shredded inside & I just want to cry my eyes out, and of course I don't know what to say, but I'm starting to feel like it's that same heart that's trying to do the impossible, while my head is trying to say "wake up girl! You know you're not really capable of doing this!" Maybe I'm in denial about whether I really can or not. I just feel like I can't break the promise I made her - her dementia may be difficult, but she's still my mama! I don't have any emotional, etc. support whatsoever from my two grown male (selfish) siblings, and they are all who's left alive now in our family. But I have reached out to some agencies like COA, etc., who've certainly been somewhat helpful, but somehow that just seem to be enough anymore. This feels like a point that so many must get to..... and how do you make that decision without a tsunami of guilt?

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Oh, honey, I understand. I would visit a few places in the area, meet with the Executive Directors, and decide what is the best place for her. Then, I'd take my Mom to visit BEFORE you move her in as that could be really traumatic, in my opinion. You need to have a heart to heart with your Mom and tell her you simply can't give her what she needs and her needs are only increasing. Getting my Mom into a facility was one the healthiest choices ever. Though, I admit, I'd prefer to be with a family member. I simply didn't have the strength nor ability to do so on my own...
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Thanks so much J4740 for your kind answer. (And for the other people too!) There is a wonderful 'retirement home' here in town that (thankfully, if the legal pieces fall together) she should be able to afford, and it's definitely one of the best. Plus, it's on our little town bus route, so (since I only ride a bicycle) I can see her pretty much anytime. It's hard picture a "totally optimistic" picture, but I guess I have to. Blessings to everyone......
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She's your mother. She wants what's best for you. She'll understand!

Like that'll ever happen!

But seriously, it sounds like she is and has been a pretty good mother, and will at least partially understand. Do research on where the best place is, and mention it to her casually. "Sue at church but her mother into Sunny Shores Home, and guess what activities they have." Let her know in small bits how the care is hard on you. Assure her that you love her and won't abandon her, but that you can't care for her safely any more.

It's when I read something like this that I'm glad my mother dropped dead at eighty, and that my father spent exactly 8 days in a nursing home. What a hard job.
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Been there, had to do it. First couple months she called it a "prison", Played the "pity me" card with friends and family. But I am not able to care for her physically and even more so, mentally. She is a negative "the sky is falling" personality and I bickered with her at first until I realized I should just let her go on and change the subject or respond with silence until she changed the subject. When her mental state improved, (and she had been through some horrific times) so I knew it would take a while, I talked with her and asked if she thought I didn't love her when we argued and she said "NO". What a relief!! Her life in assisted living is hard for both of us, but getting easier. She has become less needy and expecting less of me. Like coming every day. I never go more than 3 days without going to visit and have taken her shopping recently and she loved it.
It was worth the money to see the happiness it gave her. She thinks I took the money from her savings, which is good because she feels less dependent on me.
It's o.k. to think about what YOU need.
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Sweetie, just take her to a facility. Make sure they understand memory care. She will soon adapt. You can visit, take her out when you have time. You have to live your life. It is funny that my parents do not know when I last visited but appreciate when I visit. I visit 2 times a week and take them out at least once a week. When they first went to assisted living, I could visit for only a few minutes as my father was so abusive. He made the adjustment and is just fine. She will adjust in time and the facility will help her.
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