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My 91 yr old mother is in the nursing home for the second time this year. She wants to go home and NH believes her that she has adequate support to do so. Nope! She has a colostomy (25yrs) and has had several partial blockages in the last year. She is improving in rehab and would do well in an assisted living facility with some additional help. However, she no no longer uses her walker on her own so she uses a wheelchair. I have to say she usually is good with transfers to the toilet, but the wheelchair won't work on her thick carpet or fit through the door to her bathroom. It has been an increasing problem for me in the last couple years running to her house in the middle of the night. She has fallen multiple times. Broke her hip 2 years ago. She can't cook anymore and doesn't like what meals on wheels brings. I bring her food and she lets it sit. I had aides coming in daily but she sent them away except for about an hour a day. She has lost 100 pounds in 2 years. I am 62 with my own health problems and I can no longer do this. My 73 year old husband is a peach helping but he says enough. We have helped her remain in her home for 16 years since my Dad died. I know I need to just tell her no. We are going to see her this week and lay out options for her. Basically one of two assisted living places or stay in NH. My husband says if she insists she's going home we say that's her choice but we will not help her do this because it is unsafe for her and harmful to our well-being. I just don't know how this will go and if she will fight us. If she managed to get home there is no way I'd ignore her so it seems an empty threat.

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Good luck. Stick to your guns, make no exceptions. Either Mom accepts caregivers in her home or she needs to move to a "senior living center".

Yes, your Mom will fight you. Before I found this website I didn't realized I was enabling my parents to continue with their own lifestyle while I had to make drastic changes to my own. If only I would re-wind the past 7 years !!

My Mom didn't want anything done to her house in the way of making it elderly friendly. She wouldn't even allow us to rearrange the furniture to make it easier for her and Dad. Use a walker? In what universe would that happen?

My Mom would fight us tooth and nail, and would die trying to prove us wrong, that she was able to take care of herself and my Mom. Her last fall was her final fall.

I honestly believe that our elderly parents don't view us as senior citizens. I know I could not convince my parents of my age, even waving my Medicare card and AARP membership. We will always be "kids" and what do we know. After going through the terrible stress of dealing with my parents I know now that senior citizens should not be caring for their parents, especially when we have our own age decline and health issues. There were days I thought my parents would outlive me.
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Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

Mom is almost certainly telling the young social worker " oh, my daughter will be there to do that".

Send the se, cc to the head social worker and don of rehab, a certified letter stating that you will not be on site to assist mom with bathing, transfers, meal prep, dressing or toileting. That if she needs assistance in those adls, caregivers will need to be hired or she will need facility care. Ask what level of care they are recommeding for your mom and make them put in writing what they believe. And ask for an assessment of the home by an OT.

If they plan to discharge mom to home, do not pick her up. Stand firm and don't let them guilt you.
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Nobody over 60 should have to do all you have done. You are making the right decision. Tell her flat out YOU are too old and that makes her WAY too old to manage her own care. Hold your ground.
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Thanks 97. She agreed to go to AL. I wrote down options and gave them to her with my husband. I think she's a little afraid of him because he cant be manipulated. I dont fool myself that the fight is over. My husband has suggested i never see her alone again but always with him or a friend or relative. I did just start therapy.
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Talked to the head social worker today. She says she believes my mother has narcissistic personality disorder and paranoia, though she acknowledges that is simply her opinion and not a diagnosis. It is however what i believe myself. She told me my mother has been manipulating staff and causing problems. I think the younger, more inexperienced social worker has bought her stories. Today i wrote a list of her options, none of which include her going home. Wish me luck presenting it tomorrow. If she acts up, im leaving. I'm done being used.
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Rosyday, that's wonderful news. "Don't go alone" is advice I've often seen given to children of narcissists.
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Rosyday, Thank you for posting this comment. Recently, I was in the process of looking for respite care for my 88 year old mom who has dementia. The day I asked the respite service to come by so I could sign up, my mom fell just as the woman pulled up to the driveway. Long story short, mom broke her hip and is now in a rehab facility. My reason for the respite care was to give me the ability look for a skilled nursing home since I no longer feel I can competently care for her. She is also a below the knee amputee and is hard of hearing. This new injury is on the leg which was amputated. My sibling and I agreed it was time to prepare ourselves for the next level of her care. I live in another state and have been mom's primary caregiver living with her for the last year and a half. My one sibling still needs to work and the other is in another state and has basically not stepped in to help at all. So, for us the alternative is a skilled facility. Believe me, I had all the guilt of doing this. I think if there is an emotional attachment, whether it be love or not, there will always be a form of guilt. However, when I look back on this past year and a half of MY life, it hasn't been a life at all. Most of the day was spent watching mom sleep or answering the same questions every five minutes. Half the time I could answer the question just by the way she would start it! Then the argument would start about not letting her ask her question. I know it was probably not the right thing to do, but some days it would just drive me crazy! I never wanted to grow up to be a caregiver, I felt I wasn't cut out for it. But here I find myself in this position and. considering everything, I think I did okay by her. Now, however, I have finally gotten the courage to say it is time to let her go and have professional people care for her. We have been trying to figure out how to tell her she will be staying at the facility in which she is doing rehab. I don't frequent this site too often but decided I needed to post a question regarding how to tell mom she was staying. Well, imagine my surprise when your question was the first I saw! I'm glad I read your post and very glad I read all the reply comments. You never know where an inspiration will come from! I'm taking the phrase "senior living center" and will hope to use this to convince mom she is stay in one. I found over the last year and a half that just by changing the word or phrase I use can be helpful, such as a 'wheelchair' became a 'pushcart' when used in a store. I'm hoping a 'skilled nursing home' will become a 'senior living center' and more acceptable for her. We will see. Stay strong, and remember: Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.
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Ask for the OT at the rehab to go assess mom's home for safety. And what level of care she'll need. Make sure discharge knows you wont be available.
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Our whole household revolved around my mother and her moods and her wishes. When i was 11 i was brutally sexually abused by a teacher. I didn't even know what happened because this was back in the days when kids knew little. I told my mother and she told me i lied and to never repeat it. I began to dought my own memory but had nightmares and sexual disfunction. I found out years later that other kids told and the teacher was removed. When i told my mother that, she still said i made it up....get this...to make her look bad and get attention.
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Hi Rosyday, How did your talk go with your mom? I'm really sorry she wasn't there for you as a child. Have you considered therapy to help you work through these tough issues? Take care of yourself and your sweet husband. Reconsider thinking you have to be there for her if she decides to go home. If you don't believe your No then she won't believe it either.
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