How do I stop feeling resentment toward my Mom?


Mom moved in with us about 8 months ago. She has mild/moderate Alzheimer's and is fairly independent. She has balance issues and must use a walker. When I see her without it, I remind her that she must use it. If my husband says the same thing to her, she has no problem with him telling her so, but when I do, she gets belligerent and says, "I was using it!" I have learned to not say a thing, just walk over and scoot the walker toward her, then walk away and not respond to her.

I'm also frustrated that when I say something, it carries no weight, but if my husband says the same exact thing, it's gospel! I know her generation has different beliefs than I do about "men being God-like", but I'm getting very resentful and upset when she does this.

She also seems able to do things for herself when my husband offers, for example to fix her a sandwich, but when I'm in the kitchen, she's very content to allow me to fix it for her.

I know I'm being petty and find it really annoying that I'm feeling this way. I guess I need a vacation, but know that's not in the cards right now! My husband and son are wonderful about staying with Mom so I can get out a night a week, so I shouldn't complain, but I really need to vent. Thanks for listening and I truly appreciate any advise you can give to me!

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Thank you for your support! I really needed to vent and it's nice to know that I can do so here without being judged.
Helpful Answer (1)

Hi, I have just had my sister here then my aunt! Its like ive seen a new woman my mum totally transforms and is busy doing things for herself BUT when its just me she does nothing absolutely nothing sits around all day watching telly? She does what my bro tells her then attacks me and calls me a bully when I say something??? Ive learnt alot over the last few months and this forum has helped no end as crazy and frustrating as all this is I just look at her as a very ill woman whos not right in the head and I dismiss most things she says,its not easy but it does help to ignore her as its not YOU its HER before i knew about dementia my mum told my sister I was stealing her money i was shaking with rage I even think my sister beleived her which was just the last straw for me until my doc told me that this was part of it and that they get paranoid and funny with money. Now I know its not me but I was very upset at the time now I just try and resaon about money then just let her do with no milk until she gives me money? Ive let alot go because the alternative was to get so upset and stressed that I was getting ill. Just accept shes ill and try not to let her upset you maybe your husband could look after her for a day or two just so you can have a break?? Ive just had a week kinda respite and all I did was sleep! I feel a bit better now but am dreading my aunt leaving next week and im back to looking after my mum on my own again. I am now getting anxious about getting stressed again but will deal with it as I can usually by walking away and getting a few hours break from her. Its very hard and so draining emotionally looking after a parent with this and time away is so important I will pray that you get a holiday away soon!!
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I'm just going to send you a big old virtual {{{{{{hug}}}}}} because you just sound like you're a bit burned out. I don't have great words of wisdom, but I know how frustrating moms can be.

I'm sure if your mom realizes on some level what is happening to her, she's frustrated and probably scared that she's losing her abilities. You're the "safe" one who she can vent her frustrations and anger at what's happening to her. Is it fair? No. And you're right, older women do listen to the men in their lives more than their daughters. And they don't like to "bother" the men with their needs. That's frustrating too. So vent all you want, most of us get it because on any given day, we're right there with you.
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