How should I react to my husband's behavior?

It's time! Time to protect your mind, body, and spirit. If you don't, you will become a shell of your former self. You will lose yourself. Your husband's needs are beyond one person's ability to fulfill. He needs professional help now...in a facility. Don't wait until you're numb, which you well may be now. You've earned peace, solitude and a good night's sleep! This is not the time to frantically grasp for what else you can do. Don't hesitate. He can't help who he is now. Pat yourself on the back, look in the mirror. Hold your head high and repeat, "Now I am my own caregiver," and take a stand. Make your plan. He will only be a few miles away. You can visit him, knowing that trained people will help him cope with his daily frustrations. Over time, you will find inner peace and discover who you are. A great adventure! Get your life back. Go for it! You can do. You must do it! Peace......

Although I can not compare my situation to yours but I understand. the anger and blame. My 60 YO wife has never been violent. She has not been diagnosed with Alzheimer's but does has been diagnosed early onset dementia.

My wife is bipolar and Narcissistic . We have been married for over 36 years and she has been on meds for 35 of those years. It seems as though every 36 to 42 months her meds have to be adjusted, increased, and/or changed. We are currently going through this right now due to her anger and crying spells.

I don't see whether or not you husband is being treated for his bipolar with meds and counseling. I know without a doubt that my wife and I would not have been married 5 years had it not been for treatment for her. I have had to go to every appointment with her as she will either clam-up of lie. When she clams up, I speak for her and when she lies, I delicately say "Honey, you must have forgotten about....."

I am the one that has recommended ALL of her med changes over the years as I am the one who lives with her.

If she were to become violent with me, I would have no choice but to have her admitted to in patient psychiatric care ( We have a 17 YO learning disabled son)

I hope you are able to come up with answers that fit your needs, but the direst need to to protect yourself from violence!

The first priority is protecting yourself from harm. Even though your husband has these mental health issues, that is no excuse for him to abuse you or physically injure you and you need to take action now. Unless, you are your husband's Power of Attorney, his physician may not talk to you due to privacy laws. However, you should still try this suggestion. You also need to document every potentially violent encounter with him and be prepared to call 911. Make sure that you have a 'safe room' which he can't penetrate. When the police arrive, make sure they write a police report. All of these previous suggestions for help offered by others are really good if your husband cooperates with you but keep in mind that challenging him could make things worse. Due to your age, you are considered as a vulnerable adult. If all else fails, I would contact Adult Protective Services and ask for help since it is clear that you may be in harm's way. Good luck.

Keep a dairy and kit up the house for videotape. After that, get the data you need and then, at the very next serious outburst, call 911 just as it starts. Let him see you doing it. Wear tennis shoes shoes and run out of the house and hide if he chases you.

When the cops arrive, give them a copy of your diaries and videotape and have the police take him to an acute care mental health receiving facility. Then refuse to take him home under any circumstances and have the tapes and diaries ready to back you up.

Hire an attorney, if necessary, to protect your right to safety in your own home. If necessary, have him charged with a crime, especially if he hits you.

Stop trying to figure it how to manage his abusive behavior or continue taking his abuse. Your husband sounds much more like a chronic batterer than anything else. These kinds of behaviors don’t spring from nowhere. If he can control his behavior in the presence of others, he has a personality disorder in addition to his other diagnoses.

The situation you describe is hopeless. Get your life back any way you can. A man, even a very sick man, can only treat you this way if you let them.

His disposition will NOT get better, rosebud 2. More than likely, he does not recognize you and you may not even realize he doesn't recognize you. This is not HIM--it is the disease, but nevertheless, YOU are in danger. I speak from 11 years of experience of caregiving my husband of 52 years because of this disease. I waited three years too long to get help and almost got my block knocked off this past November. I called the police and long story short, husband had to be hospitalized and then put in a facility. He just died two months ago. I still cry for the good husband that he "was" and the life that we had, but Alzheimer patients morph into non-predictableness. They have brain snaps and the caregiver can truly get hurt.
PLEASE get professional help for him. He needs to be in a facility where he can hopefully be brought under control. I wish you the best. Take care of YOU! Someone else will take care of him.

Many persons with Alzheimer's disease go through a stage where they become verbally abusive and/or violent. The only solution is to put them on medication that decreases their agitation.

In the short-term, the best strategy is to do your best to IGNORE his angry outbursts and walk away when the occur, as they are not about you - but all about the disease process.

As others have mentioned, you need to keep a documented "log" of his behaviors.

Your husband is becoming a danger to others - and may need to be placed into a facility where they know how to "manage" his behaviors.

I would like to preface this comment by highlighting one of your remarks, "I hired for assistance last year but it did no good. In front of other people my husband is a different person like Jekly & Hyde. 

Your statement indicates that your husband has control of his behavior. If he did NOT have full control, he couldn't have pulled off a "Jekyl & Hyde". He'd be either Jekyl all of the time or Hyde all of the time, but he wouldn't be capable of pulling off both in order to fool other people.

The very best advice for you is to make some sort of arrangements, if you can, and LEAVE. Lots of women in your situation have stayed, hoping to assuage the anger and end up brutally beaten or dead.

You'll never be able to assuage your husband's anger because that's part of the game for him. He WANTS to bully and belittle. It won't get better, it will only get worse.

Do you have any friends or family? Money or assets separate from his that would help you make a clean break? There are always women's shelters and they may be able to assist you.

But, paramount to all else, if you should decide to leave and make plans to do so, you can NEVER tell him because that's when most abusers turn deadly. If you you're not in a position to properly plan an exit, call the police and explain, ask them for an escort out of the house and to a woman's shelter. Again, don't tell your husband, obviously, that you've called the police. Just wait and let them get there, then make your exit.

Good luck.

When my father died, I had to oversee the care of my elderly mother who is bipolar, and had been unmedicated for most of her life. She refused to take meds and no one could make her take them. She went so far as to call 911 and tell them I was abusing her. She called 911 one night and they took her to the hospital. To make a long story short, the hospital said she could be released. I told the Dr that she bipolar and that she was a danger to herself. I told them that if she went home and committed suicide it would be on them, and I left. She was admitted to a private psychiatric facility and then, after being medicated, to a high level AL facility where they oversaw her meds. She still resides in that facility and it has been eight years. She still has milder episodes but I don’t have to deal with her. When she’s good, she’s very good and we have a good relationship which never could have happened if she remained in her home. I did this for me but mainly for her to keep her safe and in the best state of mind possible.

I feel compelled to say again and I hope very clearly that nobody should ever try to live with amentally ill person who is violent and or threatening to be violent. Get help from the Area Agency On Aging if necessary. That is what I did. Get any seriously mentally ill person into a facility where they can be very carefully constantly supervised.i also again advise everybody to never ever try to live with a drug addicted person who has become bipolar.they belong either in a lock in drug rehab center if at all possible, but definitely not in a home with normal people. Love to all

Bipolar people are just that=2 different people. Hence the Jekyll & Hyde. It has always been there. Alzheimer's disease adds a whole other dimension. It has been my experience, working in memory care and with the aged, that one does not "become" this way. They always were! It just didn't present itself the way it does now. Societal "rules" dictated what was acceptable and what was not. Ie., we know that violent outbursts, intimidation, and physical harm to another are wrong. Most people observe and follow the rules. With alzheimer's those filters are gone. Rules are gone. Forgotten. And what you see is the underlying person, "real" person, come to the forefront. There is NO cure and will most likely get worse in time as the disease progresses. They may eventually enter a later stage when they are totally bed bound and incapacitated. Until then your life will be in serious danger. Strong medication may lessen these outbursts but can also create a zombie. You will still have to take care of him. Which may be even more, physically and emotionally, difficult for you. There is no hard fast decision or one fits all solution. Question is do you want to roll the dice and wait until you are seriously hurt or dead? Time to have an honest and firm discussion with his Dr.. The recommendations of getting proof is tantamount for your own well being. Nanny cam? Sounds like he knows darn well how to manipulate others to his plan. Cover your butt physically and legally. It is a no win for you. If you don't respond/react he may be enraged because it is not fulfilling his desire for conflict. If you do react it will fuel his justification, in his mind, for physical retaliation. I will pray for you and your life. You have to start NOW.

Are you in charge of his health care? If so speak to his doctor about a medication that will help. I found with my husband who had a very strong personality Ativan helped immensely. I gave him the lowest dose and it seemed to make him calm and friendly. If you are not in charge of his medications, then I would simply walk out of the room when he gets nasty or violent. Call a friend or a family member. If he sees you're on the phone speaking with someone,, and has the ability to adjust his behavior, he may just calm himself down. You don't necessarily have to tell the person you're on the phone with that he's acting out. You could talk about another subject period but just the fact that you're talking to someone else might just be enough for him to calm down. In any event the only thing you can do is to remove yourself temporarily from the situation by going into another room or outside for a few minutes. I wish you the best of luck!

rosebush2: It is IMPERATIVE that you protect yourself when your spouse goes into one of these rages. Let the proper authorities know.

You need to visit a psychiatrist for meds for him. There are meds that will help.

AZ is trumping the bipolor. Either can be overwhemimg. There are tools to help. A geriatric psychiatrist who knows what they are doing would be a good start. Be willing to learn and try to treat the illnesses with a clinical thinking cap as one of your guides. Reach out to highly experienced AZ caregivers. See if you can let them show you the techniques they use to effectively care for your beleaguered loved one. Find resources to care for yourself to support your welbeing as you manage the daunting tasks before you. Build a care team of people boots on the ground and those who can't be but are connected in a. supportive role in the care plan. Author monitor and adjust the careplan continually with qualified professionals who demonstrate they care and listen and understand the challenges. Listen and learn as best you can. There are tools that do make the difference. I speak from my experience. I wish you every success. I realize this may be one of the most difficult challenges in your life. I have seen a number of families succeed. You can too!

Rosebush2,
Abuse is abuse no matter what source it comes from, it feels the same to the person taking the abuse. I’ve been where you are. The first time in my husband’s early days of the disease he choked me and apologized profusely and said it would never happen again. But as time went on it did happened again. Not on a daily basis, but enough for me to know to be careful. As his disease progressed he would at times become more aggressive. I learned to be agreeable, smile, don’t challenge or debate, apologize, etc. I then decided I did not want to live out the rest of my life like this, so I developed an exit plan the next time this aggression and abuse occurred. I decided to keep my car keys on me at all times (even at my beside). The last time he became aggressive was a bad day for him. I could see it coming. He had defecated on himself and refused to change, snarled at me all day. I knew this was going to be it for me. Not only did I have to take on all the responsibility for him, my home and lastly myself, I now am being told that I have to learn and add to all this responsibility how to manage abusive behavior, incontinence and defecation. I think not. So this time during his aggression I was loving, gentle, apologized, smiled so he would not continue to escalate, and as I smiled, I edged close to my garage, opened the door, jumped in my car, locked my doors, drove down the street and called 911 and he has been in a facility ever since. It was a hard decision because I love him so much, but it was best for him and me. I had a loving marriage of 50+ years but I refused to continue to sacrifice myself in the name of love. I no longer walk on egg shelves, sleep with one eye open, smile when all else fails etc. It’s been 3 months now since he was admitted to the Nursing home and the meds seem to be working and I thank God I was able to get out and let the professionals deal with where his disease is now. I wish you the best of luck and my prayers are with you. Take care of yourself.

Get help from Karen a care advisor on this page.

How about not reacting at all and let go of the responsibility that you feel now being his caregiver?

You don’t deserve to be abused. It’s hard to deprogram ourselves when we are stuck in one gear, but it’s imperative that you try.

Perhaps you can benefit from contacting a battered women’s group, these women have been emotionally and physically abused and have lived in terror.

There are others who were once stuck because of various tactics used by abusers to trap a person. It’s mind control, a form of brainwashing.

None of these women got out of their situations without bearing scars. We can live with scars.

We may not survive continual wounds. Please reach out to a social worker that has helped people like you.

Wishing you nothing but the best and hoping that you will have peace and joy after this is all behind you. You deserve to be happy.

For as long as you are in the home together, it's best to apologize over escalating an argument to try to explain something never happened. In his mind it happened and his brain is broke. You can't fix it. Just say I'm sorry and I'll try not to do that again. Very soft, kind voice. Can't hurt to try. Maybe he'll get over it believing he was right to be angry and you offered apology.

If he's getting violent, you're going to get hurt. Might be time to start looking for placement and when things get out of hand, call an ambulance to get him to hospital. Much easier to release to facility from hospital than it is from home. People, who will help write placement eval, tend to think as long as he's at home he is safe, taken care of, etc and not an urgent matter to deal with.

For as long as you are in the home together, it's best to apologize over escalating an argument to try to explain something never happened. In his mind it happened and his brain is broke. You can't fix it. Just say I'm sorry and I'll try not to do that again. Very soft, kind voice. Can't hurt to try. Maybe he'll get over it believing he was right to be angry and you offered apology.

If he's getting violent, you're going to get hurt. Might be time to start looking for placement and when things get out of hand, call an ambulance to get him to hospital. Much easier to release to facility from hospital than it is from home. People, who will help write placement eval, tend to think as long as he's at home he is safe, taken care of, etc and not an urgent matter to deal with.

Step outside to call the ambulance so he does not hear you talking and really get angry and hurt you before help can arrive.

Hi please access the mayo clinic on dementia. It is free and will answer many questions. My husband has Alzheimer’s and is in the latter stages. I have my husband on a list to put him in a nursing home due to violent and
unusual behaviour. It’s hard to put someone in a nursing home but it’s for your protection as well as theirs.

Call 911 when he starts one of his fits, make sure he doesn’t know and can’t hear you. In my area this is how you get front of line for admit to adjust meds when someone is being violent.

if the meds don’t work, then it’s time to find him professional nursing home care, to protect yourself because your life matters too.

it’s much easier to visit anger then to live with it.