I have posted previously about the perils of being caregiver to my grandpa. He is in a MC facility now and the docs have started him on some new meds today. Hopefully they work in his favor.
My question is this: He was recently having an episode and repeating all the things he normally does about being mistreated at the facility (not true) and how I am taking his money (I am, to pay for his facility and meds and dr visits as I have POA) well a 'friend' of his who also lives there had a daughter visiting and she took it upon herself to use HER cell phone to call the elder abuse line and give the phone to my grandpa. We do not know what he said or how far he got but the admin at the center called to tell me that I might want to expect a call from APS regarding this. I am VERY upset that someone who does not know him, does not know our family dynamics, clearly sees he is in a memory care for a reason allowed this to happen. What would you do?
I would be furious, but stay calm. A betrayal like that from someone you don't even know is really bad. As his POA, I would want to have the daughter notified by the facility she is forbidden to make calls for Grandpa. It makes your job as POA much harder.
1. Have your documents ready and organized, especially POA, bank statements and receipts. Have important documents scanned and be ready to email digital copies. This is what they wanted from me first thing. Have all your grandpa's info organized in one place. Be ready to account for any big movements of money.
2. Be polite, calm and helpful to the investigators. I read online that how you answer questions if often as important as what answer you give with DCF/APS. It's very scary to answer questions without a lawyer, but the people I talked to seemed friendly and reasonable. Keep things succinct and professional. Say you will be happy to answer any questions they have, or provide any paperwork they may need.
3. Emphasize how sad you feel about the situation, don't show any anger or frustration. Tell them how much you care about your grandpa and how hard this has all been. Tell them you understand how hard their job must be, and thank them for the work they do.
It is a thankless mess, doing this work. I've considered giving up POA and stepping away from it. You may want to do the same thing if it's not benefitting you. That way you could go back to being just a granddaughter, and your grandpa might be less angry and hurtful towards you. False accusations are so incredibly hard to deal with on an emotional level, the sense of unfairness and injustice really hurts. I wish you all the best.
They will understand he has dementia and is confused.
It's very simple. They may have questions for you such as "Do you have any objections to our checking in on Granddad or speaking with his facility". Simply tell them you would welcome it".
End of story.
You can imagine, can't you, how someone who knows no better might do this? It's sad, but it can happen.
You should report this to the admins at the facility so they can speak with this woman about coming to THEM first with any concerns.
Good luck.
I wouldn't even asknowledge the person who took it upon themselves, based on a person in a MC facility that is a great showtimer, to "turn you in". But, that is for you to decide. I've been there and won't waste another breath on trying to justify my actions. Myself, immediate family and the facility knows what is truly going on.
Best wishes to you during this thankless journey as a POA. It sucks at times. As long as you abide by the law and truly are doing what is needed and in the best interest of the person you have nothing to worry about.
That being said, APS is not there to harass caregivers, which you are. He's in a facility and you are paying his bills. He may be frustrated, upset and confused, but that doesn't mean you've done anything wrong and a calm conversation with APS might even be helpful, just to get on the record what your role is and that someone who didn't know the situation reported you.
As for the family friend, well, I think everyone who has served as a caregiver has found someone who thinks they are helping by telling you that you are doing it wrong (or telling the person you care for). Since it's a tenuous connection — sounds like the daughter of a friend of his at the facility who only just met him — APS should take that into account too.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I completely understand why you are upset but I think if they call, and you calmly explain the situation, it will probably be fine (And that's IF they call! They may not)
I would next instruct the staff/administration that your grandpa not have any "outside" visitors unless they are accompanied by you, an appointed family member or a staff member.
I don't think I would bother confronting this person's daughter but if she approaches you and says anything you can express how irresponsible her actions were.
Please keep us updated as to how this plays out.