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Sounds like it could be both. Take your mom out if you can and spend a day with her each week doing things together outside of the house. It may help ease the boredom. If you think depression might be a factor, please talk to your doctor. Going at it alone doesn't help things at all.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 24, 2019
She will not go out. I don’t understand how she can stand doing nothing but watching her one soap opera.
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Ah yes, I have and do struggle with
those feelings.Sometimes I’m so busy trying to make her happy.I would forget what makes me happy.
I signed up for a 6 week course (beekeeping) one day a week 2 hours.I’ve asked a friend if they could be the emergency back of number as I date go to gym etc.They
can be very childlike and selfish so you much be stingy with information
because they will sabotage your plans.Best of luck,I’ve been there and I am there
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 24, 2019
Yep! Know what you mean. The guilt trip afterwards is hard.
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Thank you for your post. I, too, am dealing with boredom, taking care of my ex (I hate to call him that).
I used to make jewelry, as well as sculpting, drawing and painting and have won many awards for my work. I'd forgotten I had a life.
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scatter195 Mar 23, 2019
Vivian, please find a way to get back to your art. We know that art saves lives! Especially during this time of caregiving. I too gave up all my art to be full time caregiver to my 90 year old mom. My studio is in my basement and I felt I needed to be closer by to monitor her. I got a Nest video camera (approx. $150) for her room, I can monitor her on my cell phone from anyplace in the house. I escape to my studio during her naps, while she is reading or watching TV. I can can also check in at night to be sure all is well without getting up. This has saved my sanity - hope you can try this.
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That's my problem too. How to handle the boredom. My husband and I just downsized to a small home and we were going to start doing some traveling but then I had to move my 94 year old mother home from the assisted living facility. Now......I feel like my life is on hold. My new house is small. There is just so much cleaning I can do or watching Netflix. I HAVE found ways to get out a little each week so I guess I should be very thankful for that. But the days it's just Mom and me are very long. I just feel like I'm chained to my house.

I feel guilty thinking about when my life will be mine again. I'm a young 63 year old and I want to be doing so much before I get too old to do the things I want to do. But at the same time I want and need to be here for my mother. It's just a vicious cycle of thoughts.

One thing as far as coping and not taking any kind of antidepressant I HIGHLY recommend CBD oil. I started taking it about a month ago and I feel so much better. My heart isn't pounding out of my chest when I go to bed at night and I don't wake up with that feeling of dread as to how the day is going to go.

I'm thinking of having my Mom sit on the porch and maybe planting a few plants in the front yard. I guess if there's a will there's a way to keep your sanity.

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one...... there are others facing the same issues I am. That what we're doing is the right thing to do even though it's really hard. It's kind of isolating at times watching everyone else live their lives while you are basically housebound the majority of your time. I wish everyone the strength to cope during this stressful time of your lives.
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scatter195 Mar 23, 2019
I could have written your response! Thanks for the tip on the CBD oil, but how do you know which one to purchase? I've read so much about phoney CBD oil. Thank you and I share your frustration. My mom was the most wonderful mother a kid could have when we were growing up. Sometimes I forget that during the day to day dealing with a 90 year old lady with dementia. I keep a photo collage of the days we were a young family on her dresser. I stop and look at my beautiful young mom in those pictures and remember why I want to do this with my life. Though there are also days I refer to it as "day 880 of the hostage situation"! It is a wild roller coaster of emotions.
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I took care of my mom for 17 years, but the last 2 she was bedridden on hospice in my home. At times I feared her outliving me. I took it one day at a time. Often the things I used to enjoy I just didn't feel like doing anymore. I suffered a spontaneous retinal detachment and had an eye operation. I never fully recovered central vision in that eye, but I can see most things fairly well. This scared me into appreciating my eye sight. I began by looking at colorful home decorating magazines, when I got bored with those I would pick up adult coloring books, especially enjoyed the ones with flowers. If one thing became hard to concentrate on, I would pick up another. The depression shortened my attention span so I created a basket with various things I could do. That got me through the 2 years of 24/7 caregiving. My mom passed away 3 yrs. ago. Now my MIL is failing, and though she is still in her own home, I am helping my husband deal with the uncertainty of each day. Also a big help to me was keeping a journal.
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Mizreedie Mar 23, 2019
You are a saint. I also wished my demented mother had died sooner, God forgive me. Now my daughter wishes the same. What goes around, eh?
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Sounds like you definitely have depression going on too. Big hugs this is a tough job. the toughest part of this to me was constantly being “on” about being kind and loving and giving even when the circumstances push you in the other direction.

what helped me was hiring and working with other caregivers. The comradery, helping each other, laughing, struggling, working together helped bring me back to acceptance of this burden of love and a balance to my mind. So start by hiring somebody for the toughest part of the day. it’ll give you somebody to look forward to talk to who totally gets you.

and as an employer show them recognition by appreciating them occasionally. Treating them good will make them want to stay. They can quit whenever they want but you can’t. A little honey to a bee goes along way. Hang in there!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 24, 2019
Yeah, I should hire someone just for a few hours. Mom is so dependent on me. Hugs back!
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I cry a lot and feel like I will never have my life back! I miss my daughter and grandson and lived only miles away from them. I miss them dearly! My sister and brother do not care to give me a break! The anger some times takes over and I cannot deal with either one.. I love mom and dad but, it's causing health problems for me too! I am retired also ;but you wouldn't know it.. Guilt has taken me over in Colorado! {and I am a Florida soul}!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 24, 2019
Exactly! I miss my kids and friends.
Really miss alone time with hubby.

Oh man, I love Florida too. Beach is so relaxing.
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After working in 3 hospices and later taking care of aging parents who eventually were placed in an assisted living facility, I reasonate with your seemingly universal experience. The irony is that there are thousands of us going through all of this while we feel isolated and that our universe is seems to be within 4 walls with an appointment book which is not our own. Anticipatory grief and the loss of self couple with fatigue can lead to a loss of a sense of self. Others try to be helpful by saying “get out and do something for you” while they know not the world you live in. So now what?
When ever you can do it, grab periods of time to sit and to listen for your soul to catch up. If helpful, journal to yourself or the many “selves” that live within you, which are quite normal but experiencing the harness that is placed on the caregiver. Whether we lovingly choose to be a caregiver or it is forced upon us by circumstance, we still experience this har;ess to some extent. Ask yourself, “who was I before I became a caregiver? What were my purposes in life? What losses am I grieving? Or projecting that I will grieve? Call a hospice with a Masters level bereavement counselor or social worker and ask for some resources about anticipatory grief. Read snippets of “The 36 Hour Day,” for identification and support. When you write out who you and and your purposes in life it helps to fill the void within. Use the journal or other idea as a touch stone to maintain contact with your own self even when it is difficult to leave. The mind gets tired and then cuts off the connection with self because of the state of “overwhelm” that tends to consume us. One other thing I thought of is the guilt button of,”my parents cared for me. Now it is my turn to care for them.” Caring for an aging parent especially with mental and physical health limitations is much more consuming than caring for a child. So give yourself some credit for entering this way of servanthood while not allowing the tired self within you fall into the trap of being a martyr which is counterproductive to yo7r soul’s health and relationships.

Peace,
Mark
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Mizreedie Mar 23, 2019
Well, this is hell, Mark. Incipient anger best reduced with pen and pad do Write your story instead of hearing hers.
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We have moved my dad into a memory care facility. Their activities director keeps him very busy while I continue to take care of finalizing his divorce and securing his commercial property until we can have it cleaned out and sold. His wife filed for divorce after 43 yrs of marriage and moved out of state, leaving me with his care and all of the other messes they both created. I’ve also had to close his business and tie up all the loose ends there. Insurance, medical, bills, etc all while making sure his medical, physical and emotional needs are met. I’ve given up my fused glass art business and have had to cancel trips to see my grandkids. Im also caring for our dog that has bladder cancer and chemo treatments. I have been fighting depression. Thankfully, most of my family and friends have been supportive. But sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed. I believe what you’re describing is depression too, not boredom. 🙏
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 24, 2019
Qwerty,

Life gets so complicated, doesn’t it? You have dealt with a lot. It’s hard and depressing.
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Need HelpWithMom: It does sound like you may be depressed as lack of interest in things one formerly enjoyed may be a indication. You may need some low dose depression medication given by an RX from a psychiatrist. Although I wasn't bored, I was sad that I'd lost my dear mother so I got myself to a psychiatrist. Remember that not one of us is perfect and it's normal to feel these emotions.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 24, 2019
Llama,

As hard as dealing with caregiving is, find myself anticipating my mom’s death and that makes me so sad. Is that normal? Did that happen to you as well? Any advice for anxiety over anticipation of the grief?
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Sounds to me like you need a change in your routine. Maybe the person you're caring for would enjoy a trip out side the home or gardening. Usually when one has hobbies time and money or illness interfere. Can you get away or take your patient out to shop or go to a museum or be around others? Maybe you can try chrochettinIg or something to keep your hands busy.
If you're feeling isolated maybe going our to a mall or a park where there are others.
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Psalms23 Mar 24, 2019
Thanks for this one.😀
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Yes. I understand. I feel that I am falling into depression taking care of my mom. Seems like no light at the end of this tunnel. Some days I have to push and force myself to be active and remember that my life is still going on. Live it by planning around caring for mom. Try going for some of the free classes at craft stores, call your friends (Reach out to people. They won't know you want company if you withdraw), buy and use/do activity and coloring books, jigsaw puzzles are also a winner. Can you leave the house? Schedule your activities as frequently as you can and follow through with your "take care of me"appointments.😅
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 25, 2019
Psalms,

Can’t leave. That’s the main issue that is getting to me. Mom is terribly fearful if I leave. I can’t leave for long periods of time. Only if hubby can stay. So, I can get my hair cut every few months or grocery shop, stuff like that, necessary stuff. Not fun stuff. She has called on my cell if she thinks I am out too long. She’s needy now. So upsetting emotionally because my mom was always a very independent woman, not a needy personality at all.
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I am amazed at how many caregivers on this site have been doing this for years and still maintain there sanity! I Became extremely bored at my moms house. And wondered how much longer will she live because I’m getting tired, my mind is mush and I too feel depressed. You are getting a lot of excellent advice from wonderful loving experienced caregivers. We came to the right place!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 25, 2019
NewGirl,

Yep, long time and it’s hard for me to believe it’s been that long too.

I have used that word mush too.

Plus the dynamics of the relationship changes as a caregiver rather than a normal parent/child relationship. I think it starts off subconsciously and slowly so that neither parent or adult child notices. Know what I mean? People are living so long too!
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NeedHelpWithMom: I know it's very hard - EXTREMELY. About pending death, my mother actually predicted her own demise - saying things like "It won't be long," It's almost time." She even prewrote a book entitled "Funeral."
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 25, 2019
Llama,

Wow! Was that hard for you to comprehend or was it a relief? I do believe people know the end is near. I struggle with that.

Can I count on you for support since you have been there? Please. Because I deal with anxiety about this. I don’t want to have anxiety about it.

I try to deal with it in a matter of fact, calm, realistic way but I struggle. Am I causing my own anxiety? Not sure. I find myself having panic attacks at times fearing when death will occur. Any advice? I suppose that is another reason I want to get back to being creative with crafting.
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I know how you feel and pray for all of us on this journey. I often wonder if I’m bored, depressed or angry at siblings who let me carry the load alone. I have built a virtual network with friends who are also caring for aging parents and we support each other, vent and share tips. This has been a great help. We all talk about how we feel - empty and numb and trapped at times. But also we
realize we made this choice to care for our lo. While others chose not too.

My old friends still invite me out and on trips - knowing I will decline because I can’t leave my mom alone.

I haven’t had the energy to hire good/compatible in home care for my 89 yo mom with dementia.
People wonder what is taking me so long to hire help - but they don’t get how exhausted you are from caring for somebody all day and working. And then how hard it is trying to sort thru all the options for care to find someone reputable, trustworthy and compatible.

I Wish my friends would —instead of inviting me out rather stop by and visit or even offer to drop by for two hours once a month or quarter and sit with mom, so I could go exercise or get a scheduled massage or run to a dr appointment. Most care agencies require 4 hour minimums. That would be the best gift. I often feel more alone when I have to turn down invitations —although I am also happy they still invite me - which gives me hope that I may have my life again one day.

My brother lives a few hours away and schedules and takes vacations constantly but wont find the time to watch mom regularly or let me schedule even a week off for myself. That’s been the case for over 7 years now. So I have given up asking and just decided to imagine I am an only child and accept any sporadic help he does provide as a bonus.

I am fortunate enough to work from home - which allows me to connect virtually with others —-while it’s still not the same as connecting in person, it keeps me sane.

Have you considered jobs you can work from home while caretaking that might keep you connected and motivated? The best thing I did so far was to not quit work to care full time. I can still save for to my upcoming retirement. Since I dont travel or go out anymore - I have looked at this time as a bonus saving period. Just hoping my health holds up so I can enjoy my savings and retirement one day.

The most helpful tools that I have found are - Amcrest cameras that allow me to monitor and talk to mom from anywhere day and night. And also vtech baby monitors that allow us to talk to each other from any room and even from outside. These keep me from walking to her room Constantly to check out every sound. Mom also finds comfort at night knowing that I can hear and see her. We even make a game out of my surveillance at times.

Caretaking is the toughest and loneliest job I have ever had. Dementia makes it even more of a challenge. But it is also the most rewarding and best thing I have ever done. I dont want to put anyone else thru what I am going thru and have bought long term care and written up plans for my aging future so no one has to take care of me. - being on this journey helps you to plan how to make it easier on others as we ourselves age.

Best of luck. Hang In there. You are not alone. Sending hugs. This sight has been a lifesaver.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 25, 2019
Caringfor1,

I must say that your reply is truly one of the most accurate postings for a situation as I have ever read. I can tell you have walked the walk. Thanks. I’m constantly trying to figure it out. I also zone out when I get overly exasperated. Not good, I know. But you know what I mean? I get so tired that I try to relax with a good book and end up not being able to focus and realize I just read the same paragraph three times already!

Thanks for your insightful posts, your thoughtfulness and encouragement. I appreciate it.
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YOU SHOW ALL SIGNS OF DEPRESSION - get some help & then get back to your life - start by blocking out 1 to 2 sessions a week of 1 to 1 1/2 hours a week & that time is set -

Forget if there is 'something to do' because there is always something to do - plan on putting a load of laundry on then start doing your jewelry making - even if you get up for 3 minutes to put it in the drier then continue if this makes you feel better but that is it - this is your time & unless it is when there is an appointment with a specialist that is hard to reschedule then that is your time - if it helps do this when you LO is either napping or watch a favourite TV programme - but that is your start every 3 to 4 months increase it by either lengthening the time or adding other sessions

This will increase your sense of accomplishment & self-worth - it will give you a much needed release for your pent up creativeness - you may even become a better care giver after expanding you horizons

To avoid too much loneliness seek out a group/class on your interest so that you are meeting 'outside' people with a love of jewelry making or any other interest you choose to take up - good luck
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 25, 2019
moecam,

Good advice. I get everything done as far as stuff around the house and caring for mom.

You hit the nail on the head by saying that I need to be back to being creative because I like it. I miss doing something that was stimulating for ME! Know what I mean?

I enjoy creating things. Ironically the person that prevents me from doing so is the person that originally inspired me to be creative.

My mom is incredibly talented. She would go look in store windows and scetch the dress that she liked, purchase the fabric and thread, no pattern or anything and make it! She was a teenager when she started doing this. Then would change it up, neckline, sleeves, etc to her personal taste. She could have been a freakin fashion designer.

She started taking orders from other women and sewed for them. Knit, crochet, embroidery, tatting, even woodworking!, yes, my grandpa was a shipbuilder and she helped him build the smaller fishing boats, etc. You name it, my mom could do it. And cook! Oh my God, my mom could cook!

She enjoyed a productive life. Once she even reupholstered all of the kneeling benches in church. My dad had volunteered her. Oh boy, did he get in hot water for that. She was expecting to only pitch in and do a few of them.

Next thing you know, here came the nuns pulling up in our driveway in their station wagons filled with all of the kneeling benches that had to be reupholstered. Haha.

I don’t want to be that busy! But I do want to get back to activities that I enjoy.
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Needhelp,

Thanks - I like the way you take the time to reply to every responder. I know what you mean about Siamese twins - my Mum has lived with me for over 20 years (Aaargh! - it's a long story) and my neighbours in our previous home started referring to us as the "mother-daughter couple" - I just about had steam coming out of my ears when I heard that. My Mum stuck looking after her own parents for less than 3 months before hightailing it back to her own life and friends abroad and leaving her younger brother to sort out finding a residential home for them. So I try not to feel guilty when I occasionally daydream about what I'm going to do when I have my own life back one day.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 28, 2019
Yep, mother/daughter couple described it accurately but I wouldn’t like that expression either because we lose our identity as a separate individual. Hugs!!!
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