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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Sit down with your children and tell them exactly this. That you appreciate their help, but they are not to take over your life. You'll make decisions moving forward, but appreciate their input.
It’s important to reassure them that all needed documents have been put in place and let them know where not find them. Items such as power of attorney for medical and healthcare decisions, a will, advanced directive spelling out your wishes if you cannot speak for yourself in a medical crisis, plans you want and have put in place for a funeral or alternate, etc. All this being done will ease their minds. I’m very grateful my dad did this for me. He also left me a folder of notes that was so valuable to know. As for everyday help, let them know exactly what you could use help with and what’s still doable by you. Tell them you’ll be honest when there’s a change. Thank them for caring and helping.
Probably not the answer you want to hear, but you probably should get an evaluation from a geriatric specialist that is very knowledgeable about dementia. If you get a clean bill of health that way, then do what others suggest and be kind, but firm with your kids. My mom insists on making all her own decisions, but she is incapable of making competent, safe decisions per two teams of psychiatrists, two social workers, local police (three different departments), therapists, nurses and multiple GPs.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years (mainly to the elderly) and have seen every family dynamic there is. I now own a homecare agency and are coming across a few new family dynamics.
I'm going to tell you what I have told seniors who need help from their families and the families who are expected to provide it.
~Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipiet's.~
Now, this is truth. You need to really think about whether or not your kids are trying to take over your life. I'm going to venture to say they are not, because they have lives of their own. Could it be that you want specific types of help from your kids but also want to micromanage everything? This is usually what's going in in situations like yours where the senior thinks their grown children are trying to take over their lives.
Here's how you express your appreciation to your kids who help you. By actually showing some appreciation for their help. By being grateful that they help you at all. Now, if you want things done your way, when and how you want hire private homecare aides. If your kids are helping for free you're pretty lucky.
A thank you goes a long way. In the five and a half years I’ve been at this there had not been a single one from either of my parents. My mother is gone now and my father is now too feeble minded to think to say it. I guess they felt entitled to my service
Daughter is so right that your cooperation with family will go a long way to sooth them. First of all, tell them you want to go over your files and your important papers and documents to show them where everything is located. Show them the files that have wills and bills.
If there is no POA in place, then ask them to accompany you to an attorney to make one so that they can act for you when doctors call them in to do so. Next tell them you all need a good sit down talk; ask them to express their concerns for you. Are they worried you need more help? Are they worried you will fall and no one will know it. Would a good security walk through of the home help sooth them to be sure there are perhaps a few cameras they can access with their phone to reassure themselves you are OK? Are toilets raised? Are grab bars in shower? Not slip mats. LET THEM HELP and this will reassure you.
If you aren't ready to go into care let them know that. Tell them you can die as easily at HOME and in fact a good deal quicker. Truth is that being where you don't like things may give you a few more months of life, but why?
Be sure your advance directive is done. Tell them what end of life care you want and do not want. If you don't want tube feedings and such nonsense then make that clear in writing and assign someone in family to make decisions when you can't.
Once the family knows you recognize you are aging, there are limitations, and you are as concerned as they are about getting it right, BUT THAT IT IS ULTIMATELY your decision while you can make decisions, they will be ever so much more relaxed around you.
Bev, if they are trying to take over are you asking for more help than they can comfortably provide?
Do you make all the arrangements for your needs or do you depend on them to make arrangements for you? Do you coordinate appointments and such on their schedule or do you insist that everything is on your schedule?
Working with them when you are the one in need will go a LONG ways to prove that you are capable of making your own decisions for your life.
Mostly I would say; be mindful, courteous and thankful for what they are willing and able to help with on their schedule and be honest with them when they overstep your boundaries.
Becoming the responsible adult to a parent is much like having your 1st child, it doesn't come with an instruction manual and takes time to figure out how to do it sufficiently without causing upset or harm.
So, this is probably not the case in your situation - but my FIL always said we were trying to control his life, that we were holding him hostage, that we didn't let him do anything, that he was still completely able to make decisions for himself. That he didn't need us.
Thankfully he had legally named POA in advance.
The problem was that WE were propping him up - he wasn't independent, he just thought he was. He wasn't really capable of making good decisions any longer, he just thought he was.
One example was about a cell phone. He had a brand new cell phone (it was an Android) and he was used to using Android phones for years. Had never owned an iPhone. (I have no dog in the Android/iPhone fight for the record). We tried to get him to understand that he didn't need a new phone. We were trying to control his life and it was HIS money and he would do what he wanted.
His buddy told him that an iPhone was much easier to use for seniors. We tried to get him to understand that his friend felt that way because he had only ever used an iPhone. NOTHING would do FIL but he had to have an iPhone. His contract was nowhere close to up, he had literally just renewed it and purchased a new phone. He locked himself in the bathroom and ordered a new phone. He told them it had to be free. Well of course he couldn't just replace the brand new one and get a free phone. My FIL had a tendency to think if you were the loudest one in the room you were in charge. I feel certain if we had ever heard the tape of the call, he would have been screaming at the associate. They told him the only way that he could have a new free phone was to add a new line to his account or get another account.
The only word my FIL heard was "free" and he told them to make it happen. His new iPhone gets there. He takes it out of the box and nothing looks right (because its an iPhone). He starts yelling at SIL to come help him something is wrong with his phone. She helps him plug it in etc. But leaves him to call customer service because frankly she's no more technologically sound than he was.
He says he has to send back his "old" phone and tells them to box it up. SIL and BIL know something is off and don't send it back. FIL doesn't get any phone calls on the new phone and doesn't have his contacts, so it's basically just a doorstop for him at that point. He can't figure out how to use it no matter what we do. And I tell him that the reason he isn't getting any calls is that his OLD phone still has the old number.
I'm wrong, I'm stupid, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm a liar.
Until the bill comes. And there are two numbers on it. One linked to his android, one to his iPhone.
I spent untold hours working with customer service to cancel the entire transaction, let him pay the month and return the phone. They were actually very kind because as I said, if they had pulled the tapes of the call, I feel 100% certain FIL was to blame. But no...they LIED to him.
We returned the iPhone and asked him why he wanted it in the first place. "I just wanted it. I thought it was better than my other one"
Now....in the grand scheme of life....this is silly. The entire thing is silly. BUT there was a history of FIL running headlong in to making poor choices, that required US to fix things on the back end. Like a LONG list of things. He could do whatever he wanted, but when it didn't go the way he expected - WE had to fix it for him.
That's not to say that you are doing the same. But sometimes when people need more intervention in their lives, it feels like people are trying to control them, when they are just trying to help.
You are right, BlueEyedGirl. So right about the 'propping up' part. I refuse to 'prop' my mother up. I would tell so many families that they aren't doing their LO a favor by propping them up and letting them have a false sense of independence. More times than not when this is the case, the senior gets very abusive to the family members who are propping them up. They don't recognize that it's help and they'd be lost without it. They see it as their family trying to control their lives.
Your FIL made poor choices because someone always got him out of it. Same with my mother. Everyone should have stopped putting out his fires a long time ago make him do it.
If he has dementia and there's a POA, put him in a care facility. No one has to live with or tolerate abusive behavior from anyone whether it's dementia-related or not.
My mother’s four kids have been trying to help her for the past decade or so, trying to prepare her for the inevitable and have been told to F-off consistently. We’d still try intermittently throughout the years, and still told to get lost. Fast forward to current, she’s in a SNF, almost immobile and is now livid she has four kids who she claims won’t help! She says she can’t understand why she has 3 daughters and can’t live with one. Sadly, she pitted each against the other, hated husbands and thrived on backstabbing and chaos. Had she accepted the assistance and help years ago, things would have played out much differently for her currently. Seems some people want help but then say to stop telling the them what to do, they don’t need help, but they can’t work a phone and need help, help to the drs, butt out-it’s none of anyone’s business. Choose wisely, things can change rapidly or not, you may find yourself in need of a lot of help and have burnt bridges like our mommie dearest. I hope not, good luck to you:)
If you didn't mention the part about the SNF, I would have thought you were talking about my mother.
She agreed to homecare because she knows none of her kids will have her living with one of us, nor will be be caregivers to her. She complained, but she knew the choices were make it work with homecare or it's a nursing home because she doesn't have enough to live in AL. If she gets to be too much for homecare to handle, she gets placed and she knows it.
Ahhh, but sadly there is, some people get full blown dementia, are out of their minds, can hallucinate and see monsters. They first see kittens and butterflies, next thing is they see imaginary demons and are chasing a caregiver around with an axe. A real axe, not imaginary. Sadly, they lose their rights to autonomy.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Accepting from adult children has to work for BOTH parties.
An example; you may need to plan your doc appointments around THEIR availability if you need a ride.
You may need to accept grocery delivery as opposed to being taken to the store itself.
Be aware that they lead busy lives (work, children, third own health issues).
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years (mainly to the elderly) and have seen every family dynamic there is. I now own a homecare agency and are coming across a few new family dynamics.
I'm going to tell you what I have told seniors who need help from their families and the families who are expected to provide it.
~Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipiet's.~
Now, this is truth. You need to really think about whether or not your kids are trying to take over your life. I'm going to venture to say they are not, because they have lives of their own. Could it be that you want specific types of help from your kids but also want to micromanage everything? This is usually what's going in in situations like yours where the senior thinks their grown children are trying to take over their lives.
Here's how you express your appreciation to your kids who help you. By actually showing some appreciation for their help. By being grateful that they help you at all. Now, if you want things done your way, when and how you want hire private homecare aides. If your kids are helping for free you're pretty lucky.
If there is no POA in place, then ask them to accompany you to an attorney to make one so that they can act for you when doctors call them in to do so.
Next tell them you all need a good sit down talk; ask them to express their concerns for you. Are they worried you need more help? Are they worried you will fall and no one will know it. Would a good security walk through of the home help sooth them to be sure there are perhaps a few cameras they can access with their phone to reassure themselves you are OK? Are toilets raised? Are grab bars in shower? Not slip mats. LET THEM HELP and this will reassure you.
If you aren't ready to go into care let them know that. Tell them you can die as easily at HOME and in fact a good deal quicker. Truth is that being where you don't like things may give you a few more months of life, but why?
Be sure your advance directive is done. Tell them what end of life care you want and do not want. If you don't want tube feedings and such nonsense then make that clear in writing and assign someone in family to make decisions when you can't.
Once the family knows you recognize you are aging, there are limitations, and you are as concerned as they are about getting it right, BUT THAT IT IS ULTIMATELY your decision while you can make decisions, they will be ever so much more relaxed around you.
Do you make all the arrangements for your needs or do you depend on them to make arrangements for you? Do you coordinate appointments and such on their schedule or do you insist that everything is on your schedule?
Working with them when you are the one in need will go a LONG ways to prove that you are capable of making your own decisions for your life.
Mostly I would say; be mindful, courteous and thankful for what they are willing and able to help with on their schedule and be honest with them when they overstep your boundaries.
Becoming the responsible adult to a parent is much like having your 1st child, it doesn't come with an instruction manual and takes time to figure out how to do it sufficiently without causing upset or harm.
Thankfully he had legally named POA in advance.
The problem was that WE were propping him up - he wasn't independent, he just thought he was. He wasn't really capable of making good decisions any longer, he just thought he was.
One example was about a cell phone. He had a brand new cell phone (it was an Android) and he was used to using Android phones for years. Had never owned an iPhone. (I have no dog in the Android/iPhone fight for the record). We tried to get him to understand that he didn't need a new phone. We were trying to control his life and it was HIS money and he would do what he wanted.
His buddy told him that an iPhone was much easier to use for seniors. We tried to get him to understand that his friend felt that way because he had only ever used an iPhone. NOTHING would do FIL but he had to have an iPhone. His contract was nowhere close to up, he had literally just renewed it and purchased a new phone. He locked himself in the bathroom and ordered a new phone. He told them it had to be free. Well of course he couldn't just replace the brand new one and get a free phone. My FIL had a tendency to think if you were the loudest one in the room you were in charge. I feel certain if we had ever heard the tape of the call, he would have been screaming at the associate. They told him the only way that he could have a new free phone was to add a new line to his account or get another account.
The only word my FIL heard was "free" and he told them to make it happen. His new iPhone gets there. He takes it out of the box and nothing looks right (because its an iPhone). He starts yelling at SIL to come help him something is wrong with his phone. She helps him plug it in etc. But leaves him to call customer service because frankly she's no more technologically sound than he was.
He says he has to send back his "old" phone and tells them to box it up. SIL and BIL know something is off and don't send it back. FIL doesn't get any phone calls on the new phone and doesn't have his contacts, so it's basically just a doorstop for him at that point. He can't figure out how to use it no matter what we do. And I tell him that the reason he isn't getting any calls is that his OLD phone still has the old number.
I'm wrong, I'm stupid, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm a liar.
Until the bill comes. And there are two numbers on it. One linked to his android, one to his iPhone.
I spent untold hours working with customer service to cancel the entire transaction, let him pay the month and return the phone. They were actually very kind because as I said, if they had pulled the tapes of the call, I feel 100% certain FIL was to blame. But no...they LIED to him.
We returned the iPhone and asked him why he wanted it in the first place. "I just wanted it. I thought it was better than my other one"
Now....in the grand scheme of life....this is silly. The entire thing is silly. BUT there was a history of FIL running headlong in to making poor choices, that required US to fix things on the back end. Like a LONG list of things. He could do whatever he wanted, but when it didn't go the way he expected - WE had to fix it for him.
That's not to say that you are doing the same. But sometimes when people need more intervention in their lives, it feels like people are trying to control them, when they are just trying to help.
Your FIL made poor choices because someone always got him out of it. Same with my mother. Everyone should have stopped putting out his fires a long time ago make him do it.
If he has dementia and there's a POA, put him in a care facility. No one has to live with or tolerate abusive behavior from anyone whether it's dementia-related or not.
If you didn't mention the part about the SNF, I would have thought you were talking about my mother.
She agreed to homecare because she knows none of her kids will have her living with one of us, nor will be be caregivers to her. She complained, but she knew the choices were make it work with homecare or it's a nursing home because she doesn't have enough to live in AL. If she gets to be too much for homecare to handle, she gets placed and she knows it.
Hire a professional POA and caregiver.
Do not use your children.
There is no stage of life that requires 100% loss of autonomy, imo.