My husband and I are retired. We put our home back east on the market and moved to AZ in late 2007 to look after my very elderly parents in their home. Dad passed in 2009, our home sold later that year, and in 2010 we bought a place in AZ. Parents' home is in the desert, we wanted to be able to do outdoor activities so bought in a cooler area, which is a 2-hr drive (one way) from parents' place. Since then, I stay with Mom at her place to look after her 24/7, and husband stays at our place.
Mom is 95 and although she had a round of medical problems for most of a year during 2013 - 2014 (pneumonia twice, also diagnosed congestive heart failure, had pacemaker and vena cava filter put in place, and she has chronic kidney failure), for the last year she has been doing really well and no additional problems. She was put on oxygen 24/7 a year ago, but for the last couple months only uses it at night because she didn't feel she needed it during the day -- and I agree, as her blood oxygen checks always range around 95 which is really good for her age. I think she was put on the 24/7 oxygen because doctors felt she would deteriorate what with the pneumonia issues and congestive heart failure, but she has actually improved since then.
Prior to the hospitalizations, Mom was fine with traveling from her place to ours a couple of times a month for a 3- to 4-day visit with my husband, but in the last year and a half she doesn't want to do it. All that is required of her is to get into and out of the car, really, because for anything other than a distance of about 20 feet (she will walk short distances) she rides in her roller/walker. She spends her days in a recliner chair and reads or naps, only getting up to be taken to the bathroom and then to get ready for bed at night. The same routine is followed at both homes, she eats the same meals both places, etc.
Both my sisters live in this state, about an hour away from Mom's. They both work full-time. Roughly every 5 to 6 weeks, they will agree to come and look after Mom so that I can go visit my husband and he and I can have some "alone time" together and I can get a couple of days off.
My husband has arranged to fly to FL to visit his older son there for a few days. I asked Mom to be willing for us to go up to our place to look after things and pets during his absence, and she strictly refused to go. So yesterday I needed to go up there and get the pets and bring them to Mom's house -- she didn't like that idea either, but I told her it was either one or the other. She can't be left alone for 5 hours and there is no one I can ask to come and look after her for that period of time. So she had to go along for the ride. The plan was to drive the 2 hours up, relax there for about an hour and stretch our (my) legs, then drive the 2 hours back to her place.
The trip up was just fine until we got about 1/4 mile from the house. Suddenly she asked me if I had brought her oxygen tank, and I hadn't even thought of it because she doesn't use it now during the day. Immediately she said she felt like she was going to pass out. By the time I got to our house -- 5 minutes later -- she was moaning and whimpering. I told her it would be best for her to just stay in the car, and she agreed. I also told her that if she felt faint, to lean forward and put her head down, and she didn't do that.
My husband and I rushed to get the pets loaded up in the car while Mom cried in the front seat. My husband asked her twice how she was doing and she didn't even look at him and didn't reply. However, during this same time she carefully put her sunglasses in her purse and reached for Kleenex tissues without fumbling. Her color was good, she was not gasping for air, etc.
As I was pulling out of the driveway for the return trip, she muttered some "gibberish" in a high voice like a little girl and whimpered incoherently. About 10 minutes later she "came out of it" and asked if we got the dogs, and I said Yes. A few minutes after that, I had to stop for gas and she asked if I was OK and I said Yes and asked if she was OK, and she said she was "Fine." We conversed some on the drive home, with her apologizing and saying she was embarrassed she didn't acknowledge my husband. She maintained she didn't remember anything about reaching the house.
Here's the thing. As mentioned above, her house is at an elevation of about 2000 ft and our house is at an elevation of about 4000 ft. But we hit the 4000 ft elevation roughly 30 minutes into the drive, because of the terrain. And we stay between 4000 and 6000 ft for the whole rest of the 2-hr drive. She was not having any problem at all until we were almost within sight of my house.
Both my husband and I are positive she faked feeling "faint". She does have some passive-aggressive behaviors at times. Any ideas how to handle this?
Being burglarized adds another element to wanting to stay at home. After that happened to me, I was uncomfortable leaving for fear that the thieves would return if they saw my car was gone. I did create an area that could be locked so all the financial and personal data was secured in the event someone did break in. To this day I still have some anxiety when I leave and double check the doors to make sure they're locked.
For older people, I think having been burglarized would be even more traumatic.
Don't get tripped up by her CHF, will you? It trots along peacefully for ages, but keep a good grip in case it suddenly decides to gallop. Hope things go well from here.
About 2 miles from our house, she complained of not feeling well. I pulled over and checked and her blood oxygen was fine, but her heart rate was a bit low -- mind you, it fluctuates a lot which we know. I did put her on her oxygen at that point anyhow even though her blood oxygen was very good, and continued to drive.
She did not feel better in a few minutes, so instead of driving on to the house I pulled in to a fire department. Their EMTs evaluated her, and because her heart rate was irregular they felt she needed to see a doctor and took her to the ER at the nearest hospital. Her heart rate is always irregular ... she'll have a few rapid beats, then a few slow ones, then rapid again ... her pacemaker kicks in if the beats slow down too much.
She wasn't dizzy, she was able to give her name, age, birthdate, day of the week and month of the year just fine to them.
In the ER, they did blood work and the only alarming thing was that her potassium was high and her kidney function registered at "8" which is down from the low 20's. After a couple of hours in the ER, she just wanted to go home. They wanted to keep her at least over night, but she insisted on signing out "against medical advice" and I brought her home (I delivered the pets to our place while the EMTs were taking her to the ER, then hubby and I went right to the ER and stayed with her).
Again, I tend to feel that she has developed this THING in her mind about going to our house. The only reason she has ever given me for why she doesn't want to go there is that she feels she is taking away my time with my husband because I have to look after her during our time there. I've told her many times that this is not a problem, and that she is not interfering with our time together -- we are *together* which is the fundamental point. And the fact is, because my sisters can't or won't manage their time so they can come and give me a break every 3 to 4 weeks by looking after her for a weekend so I can spend time with my husband, if she refuses to go up to our place then I don't see him hardly at ALL. Somehow this does not register with her.
I've sent the results of her bloodwork and urine labs to her doctors and will be making appointments for her to be seen tomorrow, so that is being followed up on as quickly as possible. I'm most concerned about the low renal function, but on the other hand she urinates approximately 6 cups of fluid per day which falls within normal ranges, so I'm a bit stumped. She was on Lasix and took a potassium supplement every 3 days -- she'd had one Friday morning which is probably why her potassium was high. Per the ER doctor, both Lasix and potassium have been discontinued until her kidney doctor gives his opinion.
I hope the renal guy is going to get his finger out. If you notice any worsening symptoms, get back on the phone and be a squeaky wheel.
Having been there, I do understand the frustration and I do understand the inescapable feeling that it's a remarkable coincidence that these things crop up at the most inconvenient time possible. But.
You could get heavy with your sisters; or, distant plan B, get your husband to come to you; or even more distant plan C, hire a caregiver to stay with your mother while you get well-earned time with your husband (not to mention downtime for yourself). But the one person you can't reasonably expect to register the need to fit in with these difficult logistics is your mother. Her saying that she doesn't want to intrude, by the way, sounds like an excuse - a more acceptable reason than that she just can't shift herself to make the effort.
Only she truly can't. The trouble with CHF is that because its course is so humdrum and outwardly uneventful, it's easy to miss how ill the person actually is. Please look for alternatives: your mother really can't do this journey regularly, AND you really do need that time together and that break for yourself.
The first option would be spelling out in red pen to your sisters that your mother is no longer able to travel any significant distance and therefore their time has come: you need one weekend in x from each of them, and they can get their calendars out and commit.
Maybe look at it this way: sooner or later you will need to make alternative arrangements anyway, so you might as well do it now. I'm sorry you've been getting this attitude from them, but I hope that if you can get the severity of your mother's situation through to them they might grasp that if they want to spend any time with her they'd better get on with it. They might, you never know. Best of luck, please update.
But I also don't think either of those things were due to altitude or low blood oxygen. I think her suddenly not feeling well was potentially psychological.
Still, being that as it may, I agree that I can no longer expect her to tolerate going to my husband's and my home.
I have found a local (2 houses away) registered caregiver who can come and stay with Mom for periods of time during the day, and Mom knows this woman somewhat well which is a plus. I hadn't thought of her previously for respite care because last I knew she was working full-time somewhere, but I checked and although she works full-time, she has a night shift and is quite willing to come to Mom on scheduled afternoons. She can't look after her overnight so that I can be gone for a weekend, but has a friend who runs a group home who might be able to do that.
I really like the sound of the group home lady - nothing beats word of mouth recommendation. Best of luck, hope it works out.
Given this elderly lady's renal function and electrolyte imbalance, I have no doubt that she actually feels unwell, but may be unable to be more descriptive than "I feel really bad".
And as for my mom working herself into hysterics, these episodes which did erupt in hysteria were infrequent and occurred many years ago, but she has the same tendency now. Confront her with the truth and she will get bent out of shape. Fortunately, most involve stuff that is of little significance so no harm done. At least for now. I am not sure what will happen if she has some sort of accident which puts her back into a nh. The day she was released from the time she fell and had to go, she was well on the way to becoming hysterical. I recognized the symptoms but she was released before the hysteria reached end stage. Comes down to every case is different.