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Both parents are in a very nice memory care facility. My stepdad moved in with mom recently. Today he was very distraught and with great difficulty he was able to describe a nighttime aide who he claims is molesting my mother under the guise of getting her ready for bed. He is extremely intimidated and afraid of this man. He described him and I checked with staff and they knew who it was. An aide from an outside agency due to staff shortage of facility employees. The regular daytime staff are wonderful. He is happy and comfortable with everything and everyone except this one individual. Both parents do have dementia diagnosed. But I firmly believed that he was speaking of a disturbing reality, not mixing delusion with fact. An investigation is underway but I’m sick to think that perhaps it’s all a misunderstanding. But in my heart I believe something is not right even if it is only a matter of attitude or non professional behavior. Any experience with something like this? So very upsetting. I think it happens more than any of us really know My moms short term memory keeps her from remembering anything. She claims she gets herself ready for bed. No. She is wheelchair bound and gets assistance with everything from dressing to toileting to showering. She has absolutely no memory of anything which is sad when you think of how many are in that same stage and can’t possibly remember what goes on to report? Perhaps the accused counts on that? And that stepdad has the same? Since it is “memory” care?

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Even if an investigation in performed and clears him, I’m doubtful I would be comforted without doing some reconnaissance work on my own.

I’d buy one of those NannyCams and place it in her room.
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Reply to Lizbitty
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You say this AL is a nice place. Looks can be deceiving. The administration of this facility is not running it competently because they don't have a handle on what happens in the night-time hours.
I'm always apprehensive when a care facility contracts outside agency help. Have a talk with the administration because clearly they are dropping the ball here.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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My NH/SN has several male aides and nurses. My 11-7 RN adjusts my catheter, gives my medications including insulin shot. He is totally professional. He has also filled in on day shift for the shower person and was quite good. I have seen no type of abuse in this facility. I could not as for any better treatment.
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Reply to Bridger46164
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Tchrlange Oct 19, 2021
Thank you. I agree there are many wonderful males in healthcare but this situation was not handled professionally. Sadly the aide was likely not trained properly or thoroughly.
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My stepson is a male LPN who works in a nursing home. A couple of years ago, he was falsely accused by a female CNA of 'inappropriately touching & fondling' a patient who had a PEG feeding tube installed and what my stepson was doing was attending to IT, not 'touching and fondling' the patient in any way, shape or form. This CNA was 'watching him from a distance and saw what appeared to be his hands groping her underneath the blankets.' There was, of course, an extensive investigation undertaken and my stepson was put on administrative leave at first, then FIRED. He had to hire a lawyer and borrow money in order to do so. He was found 100% innocent of any wrongdoing whatsoever; in fact, the patient's family wrote a statement that he'd cared for their loved one in an extraordinary fashion for the full year they'd known him. The patient was comatose, by the way.

That's just one example of someone 'seeing' something that never happened. This is especially true with men being accused of inappropriately groping women patients/residents who are very elderly and living in managed care environments. That's not to say it 'never' happens, but to hear a dementia patient tell a story has to be taken with a grain of salt. My demented mother confabulates to the point of insanity, so I let ALL of what she says go in one ear and out the other. Installing cameras would be the only way to MAYBE know for certain what was going on, but even then, if a male aide is changing a female resident, he WILL have his hands on her body at some point which could look like 'groping' on a camera when it really isn't. What I think does happen more frequently in SNF settings is physical abuse, such as slapping and hitting a resident, unfortunately, which a camera WOULD pick up and there would be no question that the abuse was real.

I suggest you insist with the administration that only female aides help your mother in the future. If that means she has to wait longer than usual for her nighttime rituals to take place, so be it.

I hope there was no wrongdoing on the part of this aide with your mother, and if there was, I hope he is prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Good luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Tchrlange Oct 19, 2021
Thank you. No charges but his agency was informed. The situation was not handled properly likely due to him not receiving thorough training. Very sad because of the shortage of help people are being placed in jobs without proper training. Sad situation but needed to be explored. I’m sorry for what your step son went through. This was strictly a clothing issue not a medical need. Could’ve just been left as is.
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I'm not dismissing your concerns but you should be aware that delusions and confusion are part of dementia (and of Sundowning). My MIL was telling us of a giant "cat fight" between 2 aids "every night" right outside her door in a very tiny rehab facility. I had no way of confirming it but she was telling other stories that were certifiably untrue.

Does the facility allow cameras in the room? I think the only way to confirm what's going on at night is to see for yourself because molestation is a very serious charge and if it's untrue, it is damaging to the accused. Also I think the older generation is definitely not used to or comfortable with having their privacy breached by the opposite sex. If I were in a facility I would always want a female aid. That's just me and my prude-y self.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Tchrlange Oct 19, 2021
I do understand but he was gravely distraught and detailed. I think it was a matter of poor or incomplete training on the part of the agency due to the great need for employees in all areas. People are being hired for jobs without the luxury of time necessary for proper and thorough training. Sad situation. No charges. Just thorough investigation.
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Request that your mother is not to be dealt with a male aid. I have not witnessed any male aids at the facility my mother is in presently but I realize there is a shortage. She did have a male aid a few years ago in a rehab facility. He seemed very professional and told me how he would do the personal care for her.

I don't mean to appear sexist but I feel that aids dealing with female patients should be the same sex. These elderly people most likely need some assurance with the help they require and at their age I can imagine dealing with the opposite sex may not be reassuring.
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Reply to Riverdale
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During my mother’s NH years, there was one aide that made her very uncomfortable. Her speech was limited but she made it clear she didn’t want this aide near her. We spoke with the administrator and were promised this aide would never be assigned to mom's care again. This was honored. Make a request for this and stick to it, they’re customers and their well being should be honored
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Tchrlange Oct 19, 2021
Agree. Thank you.
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