How can I politely, respectfully tell Dad we need 'professional care for Mom' at home now?

I'm sorry can u explain your WIKK Be ABHSE??
We love our parents dearly. We will do what we can for however long we can.
Meantime I was searching for a clue to what to say to my father to help him see we need in home nurse care. We will not put them or her or individually put them in any nursing home or assisted living. Not at this point. Thank you. Was looking for good advice on how people approach their parent that we need a nurse. :) Thank YOU....

It really helps to sit down with your loved one and just have a conversation. You might want to make it all about you, and how it would really help you out if he accepted just a little help. "I really worry about you and mom, and I want to make sure you have some time to do the things you enjoy..." "I'm worried you are getting burned out, dad..." "It's okay to get some help with mom. I know you love her and want what's best for her." Maybe during a conversation he'll tell you what are his "road blocks." Seniors are really good at covering up to "save face" and might not want to tell you, but here are some common fears that seniors have which may be the reason behind their resistance to getting some help:
1. Fear of losing independence: Getting some help does not mean they are feeble or less independent. This will actually make it possible for them to remain in their own home longer (you can even cite "scientist's studies have shown that seniors who get a some help at home stay home longer")
2. Fear of spending all their money: You could maybe show them the math of getting in-home help now vs. the cost of moving into an assisted living or retirement community. Bonus: they can stay in their own home longer, have more independence and spend less money in the long run!
3. Fear of being abandoned by family: Assure your dad that the intention to get them help is to help them stay home as long as possible, and to give him a break, and that you will not abandon him. Getting more help is the opposite of abandonment!
4. Fear of victimization/abuse from caregiver: A new person in the home may be a threat, and seniors may feel vulnerable or cite "I had a friend once who had a caregiver who stole such and such..." You can find good caregivers through referrals from friends (trustworthy), or have someone, you or a trusted friend, drop by when the caregiver is there to make the senior feel the caregiver is "being checked up on" by someone they trust. You can also increase a feeling of safety by going through a licensed, bonded agency (which in some states require caregivers to pass 2 background checks), or run a background check on your own on a private caregiver.
5. Worry about having to supervise someone: It may help to have a job description written up so the caregiver and senior know exactly what is expected, and what the caregiver will be doing, what hours, days, etc. Also, a checklist can be put together and the senior can sit down with the worker at the beginning or end of the shift and go over it together. This gives the senior more control.

I hope this information might help!

Hi again, yes, I got what you were trying to ask. I just wish I knew the answer! Here is one thought- you could back off --as hard as this might be --- for a bit. See, I sometimes wonder if I am helping my Dad just enough to make it so he feels he doesn't need in home help. Like, the breaks I give him are just enough to make him believe he can do this without the in home care. If you or your siblings do not help out for awhile would he have to turn to getting more help from the respite? IDK. Just a thought. Kind of a risk though. And may involve some lying on you and your sibs part which is uncomfortable. Like why you cannot come and help. I have even thought of telling my Dad I was not going to help unless he got respite care but my husband said he would just get mad at me and tell me to stuff it.

Again, I don't really have an answer for you but just wanted you to know you are it alone. If I do get him to get help I will tell you how I did it and again, vice versa , please!!!

I hope my contribution to the discussion is not too negative; my parents are in a very similar situation, except that my dad endures asthma, congestive heart failure, and diabetes and falls ill quite often. He has been a very logical person for as long as I can remember, but when it comes to accepting that they either need professional in-home help for him and mom (Alzheimer's, diabetes, incontinence) or need to put her in a facility, he is being unbelievably stubborn and uncooperative. He even refuses to get a life-alert-type system.

My husband and I (I am the only surviving child) totally uprooted our lives 2 1/2 years ago to move from being 10 hours away from my parents to being only 1 hour away. In the time that we've been here, my dad has been hospitalized a dozen times for everything from a broken hip from falling in the driveway to collapsing from dizziness to having pneumonia. Two weeks ago my mom fell in the garage and busted her head open, requiring stitches and a dozen staples to close it up; the doctors said she was extremely fortunate to not have a major head injury or broken bones. Dad runs the whole spectrum in trying to deal with her at home; one day he calls me and wants me to get him information on putting mom in a facility, then he backs down when she threatens suicide (which happens frequently -- it's a control play), then he tells visiting nurses people that he wants professional help but won't contact the people who are recommended. I spend several days a week going to their home, taking them out for food, doing some cleaning and paperwork, just trying to help. When I was there the other day, he could not even stand up from dizziness. He insists that they'll be fine, but it's evident to anyone with a brain that they won't. I admire self-reliance to a point, but not when it threatens their well-being and safety.

I say all that to point out that, with some parents, there is no way to convince them that they need help. I agree with MishkaM that if the adult children help too much, the elders will take much longer to see the truth. The hardest part of all this is realizing that you cannot make them do anything, unless you can get them declared incompetent, which is bloody hard to do and emotionally draining to boot. I wish there were a magic phrase to use with our parents to make them see reason, but there just isn't. Good luck with your dad, I hope he believes you and doesn't fight you on it. My experience has forced me to face the unpleasant reality that cooperation is not always forthcoming.

I would first tell him that you love him and your Mother very much, and that it would be helpful for him and relieve you of worrying and worrying...that you need his help to get someone in, for everyone's better peace of mind and safety. "Please help us Dad to help you...its for the good of all of us that love Mom and you." Keep repeating and reinforcing your love and concern for safety. Keep reinforcing, and hopefully he will agree. Start slow...and keep plugging away. Maybe, the gal that was coming in didn't hit it off with your Dad..and your Dad won't tell you. I am sure he maybe fearful of "what's the next step"...and is going into a protective mode. Not knowing the situation, and the caregiver relationship with he or your Mother may have something to do with him expressing he doesn't need her anymore.

I found that when I found the "right connection" with the caregiver, my Mother looked forward to the company. It wasn't always perfect and never will be, but the right connection and personality makes a "huge" difference. Not knowing where your nurse and/or caregiver is from, think about calling people you know, friends, other family members that would be interested in making these visits. If your Mom likes the person, as well as your Dad, you will likely find a change in his attitude and become more accepting. It's a difficult situation, just keep plugging away..and keep reinforcing your love. Marco40

It's denial and fear (and maybe financial) that keep elders from accepting help. I think Mishka had a good idea. Don't neglect your parents but enable them to take a good hard look at the situation by not running to them every time they call. Eventually running to them every time they call will result in you taking them into your home to care for them as they are not going to fare any better and each day that goes by they get closer and closer to not having a say so in the matter at all and no one wants that. If you go over there, say, 3 times a day plan a day when you go only twice. Fix some meals, do whatever you need to do so that they can fend for themselves for one day and see what happens. They don't need a nurse because they have you! But what happens if YOU get sick? What happens if you can't make it over there for some reason or another? Their entire existence cannot depend upon you. You need assistance and professional help in caring for them. Trying to do it on their own is only going to land one or both of them in a nursing home. When elderly people make the decision that they are NOT going into a facility or if they dig their heels in then something somewhere has to give. A compromise. Like, "Dad, I understand that you don't want to be without mom, that you want her with you at home. I think mom is very lucky that you take such good care of her. But if we continue to keep her at home then we are going to need some assistance because I can't be here all the time." Have this talk after you've done your research about home healthcare agencies. Be armed with answers to the questions your dad will inevitably ask. Ask him to please try it on a trial basis and if it doesn't work out after a reasonable amount of time (and have a period of time in mind) then you and he will revisit the situation. But for your dad, making this decision is huge. Then finding someone that your dad likes is huge. If he finds someone he tolerates (actually liking someone may be too much to ask in the beginning) that person needs to become familiar with their routine, your mom's needs and wants and your dad's needs and wants. It won't happen overnight. Getting good home healthcare is a process, having some strange person in the house takes getting used to. Your dad may not know what someone is supposed to do while they are there and you can help him with this. And be positive. How wonderful would it be for your dad to NOT have to give your mom a shower 3 times a week? It's respite for your dad and he may not appreciate it in the beginning and that's ok. Once you've found someone you like and once that person gets to know your folks and once your dad allows himself to let go and appreciate the help it could be the best thing to happen to them both in a long time. And that's the goal. But it will take time and you have to lay the foundation.

Very sorry sboakes that your situation is such. It certainly is an emotional, mental roller coaster ride.
Often I think my father is looking at it as 'giving up' and 'humiliated' with what he is facing with the effects of old age. Also, 'can lead a horse to water, but we cant make it drink'. :)
They truly have been wonderful parents. We do want to care for them, but we need assistance. We don't want to do more damage then good to our Mom when we know someone professional has the techniques to care for someone with ALZ. if only we can be trained. But sometimes we think 'showing love' and being kind and having patience is a key. So we do that too. As hard as we try to do all we can, we still think HAVING A NURSE there will be most beneficial. We'll see how this goes. Hopefully soon he will agree. Dad wants us to just keep 'loving her' just as she is and being patient with her just as she is. Etc. etc. we're doing the best we can. Thanks for listening.

Sboakes - tell your parents that you are selfish, and THAT is why you want them to get (and pay for) help "before" they need it (amazingly hard logic to argue with, LOL). You do NOT want to be forced into becoming a full-time care giver prematurely because of some unnecessary injury, and it is YOUR freedom they are gambling with.
By starting the conversation that they are doing this for your sake ( "I am being selfish") they have to say "we don't care about you" in order to avoid doing something.
As an only child there are many reasons that you need (hired) back-up. Does your husband have parents who might need care? What if you/hubby get sick? What if (forbid!) you want to go on a 2 wk vacation?
It is hard, because the self-reliance thing is likely why they are still living at home.

Marco40-That was such good information. I think you are right. Dads feelings about the person matter too. Possibly right too about fearful what the next step is and going into protective mode. Actually, have to admit, Mom liked the young woman, and we all did. Well, we will keep "plugging away". Thank you for helping me. Good answers! :) How do you have these thoughts? Were you in our situation too? Again, thank you.

I appreciate what you said. Marco40 said something similar, and I will take to heart his advice as well.. Very nice to hear from such concerned people. Thank you.