My 86-year-old mother recently fell, damaged her rotor cuff and does not have good use of her left arm/hand during recovery. Mom has MCI but her primary problem is short-term memory. I purchased a lift assist recliner since she cannot sleep laying flat in a bed for several weeks. Because of her short-term memory problems, it took Mom a few days to get accustomed to the chair and use the control to raise and lower the recline. There are a couple of other chairs Mom has been using her arms to push out of where that is much harder only pushing with one arm. I have been providing an arm for her to "pull" her way up because she is so much more stable getting to her feet that way. I do not pull Mom up just provide a "mobile" grab bar.
I have a grand-nephew just a couple months short of 14 who is Mom's oldest great-grandchild and has always been fairly responsible - good "big brother" and "big cousin" with younger children. He lived with me a number of years during his father's divorce and remarriage and only recently moved back in next door with his father and stepmother (he lived with me and Grandma for over 2 years so he is familiar with her memory problems). One of the reasons I relocated next to his father's home after Mom came to live with me was so that he could occasionally help me when he grew older by staying in the house with his great-grandmother when the day comes I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone while I run to the store or he could pick up the groceries when he has a drivers license. I have no intention of ever asking him to provide hands-on caregiving for my mother, although he started bringing her the newspaper every morning before school and will occasionally help her with her shoes or find her glasses on his own initiative.
Although my Mom normally stays by herself when I work in the office or go shopping or out for a movie, I did not feel comfortable leaving her alone immediately following her fall when she was still adjusting to doing things without using her left arm and seemed to be just a bit off her normal good balance. So I asked my grand-nephew to stay with Mom and help be that mobile grab bar while I went to the grocery store. I should also probably add that my grand-nephew is 4 inches taller than I and 155 lbs of solid muscle so he's as physically capable (or maybe more so) than I am.
My question is this - is he old enough at nearly 14 to keep an eye on and help Grandma for 60-90 minutes with his father and stepmother in the house next door? Am I expecting too much of him at too young an age? He has never lost patience with Mom even when she asks him the same question 2-3 times in an hour. He was in the house when Mom fell (as I was) and helped me get her up into a chair using a sheet wrapped around her waist and support under the uninjured arm - very concerned and helpful at the time and didn't seem to be upset afterwards. He was already at my house to watch a movie when I asked him to stay with my Mom until I got back. I told him if Grandma fell again while I was out of the house to not move her and call his father or stepmother.
I want him to learn that family members help each other in many small ways - Grandma sewing up a rip in his favorite school jacket, his carrying in groceries, my driving him to football practice or helping him with a school project. But I don't want to cross the line and make him feel responsible for Grandma's care or put him in a situation he's not emotionally capable of handling.
That said I think it's good for a 14 year old to experience life with his grandmother instead of being glued to a computer or games as most teens are these days...
I have a lot of sympathy for the people who expressed such strong negative reactions about being taken advantage of as teens or being resentful about being forced to care for family members. I will always remember your comments and take care, but your life experiences have been nothing like mine.
I was very lucky to be born into a large extended family where almost everyone was on the family "team". My mother is the oldest daughter and one of eight children. Although my father had only 2 living siblings who moved away, he had 51 first cousins and more than half remained in the local area. At the grandparent generation, almost everyone was a land owning farmer or a skilled tradesman. When someone needs help you can provide without harm, you are expected to step up.
I had very good examples and encouragement from an early age - I guess I was "groomed" to be a care giver the same way I was trained to be a homemaker or hostess.
When I was 3, Mom's back condition required bed rest and one of my aunts came to the house every day to keep the housework up. One was 16 and her brother made his car available for her transportation by arranging a ride with a coworker. My grandfather and his cousins helped a pair of maiden aunts live independently into their 90s, even when neither drove. When Grandpa realized I could pick out the groceries on my great-great aunts' list better than he could I became his shopping partner at age 8. Grandpa and I became the family's blackberry pickers that summer too. He would go into the big brier patches in his pastures with his leather gloves and boots, stomp out a place for me to stand (finding/running away any bees or snakes) and we would fill our gallon buckets; then he would carry them back and dump them into the half-bushel tubs in the car trunk. Although my mother and Grandma put up the largest portions of the berries, every aunt, great-aunt, and great-great-aunt got at least enough to make a few pies or a couple runs of jelly.
When osteoporosis began causing my grandmother significant pain walking and standing, my mother went to her house one day a week to do the washing and all the major housework. Grandpa started picking me up so I could help Grandma on grocery day. I put groceries in the cart, unloaded them for checkout, and put them away in Grandma's cabinets. Grandpa struggled to help Grandma with housework he had never done - and so I began teaching Grandpa how to keep the kitchen organized "Grandma's way". At age 16, I started grocery shopping from Grandma's list alone. For those who are concerned this took too much time away from my teenage "life" I would like to point out I was an honor roll student, member of adult and youth choirs at church, member of multiple school choirs (as pianist, vocalist & soloist), and active in JROTC and the Latin club. I also enjoyed spoiling/babysitting my young nephew and weekly dating. I was very busy, very happy, and very self-confident. The time management. poise and confidence that would be major factors in my career success started here.
A really good example of the family team in action happened a couple of years back when one of my first cousins once removed had a heart attack followed by a major stroke. Her sister sent out a email to all the other cousins once removed asking for help sitting with the cousin in the hospital 24/7. Everyone picked a time slot that worked in their schedules and our cousin was never left alone in the hospital. Later we had a schedule to feed meals in rehab, and finally visit/respite care after she was home. Some cousins drove 100+ miles to pull a whole day shift. No one was concerned who had responsibility for our cousin's care, we were just concerned that she got everything she needed to recover her life.
We are very far from perfect! My immediate family has its dysfunction, and the extended family sure has its problems too. We disagree and stop talking to each other for months or years (usually over spending money for care giving or how to keep a family home in the family). We have buried alcoholics and drug addicts. One of my cousins picked the wrong boyfriend and was murdered. But even if you haven't spoken to your sibling in a while, there's always a few cousins still talking to both of you.
I love your examples of family teamwork.
When I was just out of high school, my grandfather had back surgery at the Mayo clinic in Minnesota. He was unable to safely drive back to their home in Arizona. So it was decided that it would make sense for me to fly out to Minnesota and drive my grandparents back to Arizona (Grandma didn'd drive).
I have extremely fond memories of that trip. I enjoyed the one on one time with my grandparents, and got to know them as people.