My MIL does not want us to visit during her activities, either. My husband checks on her every other day and will take her on errands, if necessary. But, she doesn't even want company very often. (Ass't living.)
Also, I meant to answer your question.....I think it is a trial and error thing. I found that if I visited everyday, it was bad, really bad. I am not starting that at her new home. It will be twice a week.
I had the opposite reaction from Mom when I went during activites. She would stop what she was doing and announce that her daughter was there so she couldn't participate. In fact meal time seemed to be the best, because I would help her with her food and we could chat then. But my Mom has never done good after I left. She is now in a very small residential group home and so far, visits are good. She seems to really like it there, although she still says she wants to go home. She doesn't wail and cry though, at least not yet. She has only been there a few weeks.
My Daddy is in a long term health care facility. He had a stroke 5 months ago and is unable to communicate except a word here or there. My sister goes week day mornings for several hours and I go after work daily for several hours. I go 3 times a day on Saturday and Sunday. He needs a voice and I wouldn't feel right unless we were there daily. Put yourself in your loved ones place. How often would you want a familiar face to be at your side and speak up for your needs? Yes, we get tired, but my Father was there for me my entire life and I love him for that and so many other reasons!
My 90 yr old MIL, diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia, is in a terrific assisted living facility 15 min. from our home. My husband and I are in our early 60's and we visit once a week. He is self-employed and works long hrs. and I work part time. This works for us. I suppose if it were my own mother I would visit more often.
Some great tips here. Routine is so important for our elderly. Just like children it makes them feel safe. I love the idea of visiting during group activities. It makes the visit fun and gives you something to talk about. Otherwise I would keep to a schedule of about 2 visits a week. This is just me but I would keep the times the same and make sure to show up when you are scheduled to see them.
I try to visit my mom at least once a week. I am still doing her laundry so she knows that my husband or I will be coming. I would like to visit more but with working a full-time job and caring for two children under the age of 10 it is hard.
I absolutely believe that this is such an individualized thing. I live 1/2 hour from the nursing home. My mom has ALZ and does not know me..having said that EVERYONE should have an advocate. When mom first went in ..I went every day for 2 yrs. Looking back..I should not have done that. I think it interfered with her adjusting. After 7 yrs, on a good week, I try to be there 2-3 times. I have a great relatioship with the staff and can now see that mom relates to THEM not me. Heartbreaking but true. My dad was in for 18 months. His mental faculties were intact. I went every day at first...gradually down to 2-3 days a week. He was very lonely, but refused any interactions with others.when he got sick about 3 months ago post surgery I was there every day...had just started slowing that down when he got sick again and did not recover. So i guess my best advice is follor your gut. Take action so that when you loved one is no longer here, you have no regrets, Please though be an active presence of some kind. I am still grieving for my precious dad but I have no regrests.
I do believe that someone needs to check on our loved ones, almost every day. My MIL and mother both are in their right minds, so they will tell us, if they aren't being treated right. It has been up to Mother's friends to do that, since she is in IL. and I am in AZ. I wouldn't be seeing her every day, if I lived there. She would go right back to depending on me, instead of the staff.
Such a good question, lakegirl, and one I haven't seen addressed so directly. pstegman makes an important point – sometimes visits and outings don't have their intended consequence. You really have to look at your parent carefully to judge the effect of visits. Talk to staff, too. Ask how she (or he) is after you've left. So often I've heard care staff talk about how agitated Mrs. So-and-so is following her daughter's daily lunchtime visits (or whatever). Yet, for fear of offending or upsetting the daughter, they don't speak out. I mean, it's supposed to be "the more visits, the better," right? So, they have a resident who merrily goes through her days, except for the hours following a visit when she's inconsolably agitated and anxious. The answer is open communication with staff and trying different visiting tactics (time of day, length of visit, etc.). One favorite tactic is to visit during an activity and participate in it. It's not as upsetting to have a daughter arrive during flower arranging, take part in it and leave. The visit "goes with the flow."
Don't even get me started on the ill-advised trips some families of AL residents propose each summer – "we want to get Dad to the lake one last time" or "Mom always loved the shore – we're taking her with us this year." Look at it from your parent's point of view. When you're thinking of taking your parent for an outing or overnight, ask yourself – if you lost almost all ability to adapt to new situations, how would you feel doing what you're proposing?
I have a sister in a group home and I found out the hard way, that if I visited her more than once a week or took her home for the weekend, she would lose her focus on her residence. She would stop interacting with staff and residents and see me as her only source of entertainment. She would misbehave, she would call me constantly, she would refuse to participate in activities and outings. So now I stick to taking her to BK for lunch, once a week, and take her right back to her home. She is more cooperative with staff now and knows them by name.
Don't even get me started on the ill-advised trips some families of AL residents propose each summer – "we want to get Dad to the lake one last time" or "Mom always loved the shore – we're taking her with us this year."
Look at it from your parent's point of view. When you're thinking of taking your parent for an outing or overnight, ask yourself – if you lost almost all ability to adapt to new situations, how would you feel doing what you're proposing?