How often to visit parent in nursing home?

It is a very difficult question to answer and it really depends on the individual. If a person has young children then the children must take precedence. Once per week is fine for people working and trying to manage their own lives / relationships. If a parent is openly bitter about being in the nursing home and visiting is taking its toll emotionally then one must limit their visits to once a week at most. Guilt is a powerful weapon and can be used very effectively so please do not let this factor into the equation. I would certainly not want my children stressed out about visiting me if I'm in a nursing home.

I would probably have gone every day if I didn't get yelled at. I found out she was just fine when I was not there except for some sundowner's when she was ill, and that she liked to just sit and watch people, get her nails done, and brag about her daughter the doctor (who was just "Stupid" when she came over to actually see her though :-) I ended up doing a few times a week, short and sweet, with outings every now and then for a medical visit and/or pizza once we had a vehicle adapted to make it practical. Her favorite grandson could come and talk for an hour though and she ate it up...my poor daughter though got picked on more like I did and did not put up with that too often.

I am a retired nurse, worked in skilled care for 18 years. Last year relatives employed me to make daily/hourly visits to their loved one. I would visit at different times of the day. After each visit would send a detailed email report of my visit.

I found that my husband adapted much better if I didn't visit too often. I go once a week.

We have suggestions to bring mom home but would need 24/7 care. Of course she will not allow nurses to be there overnight. My mom has congestive heartfailure. The dr gave her 3-6 months but you would never know it for the way she is feeling & her sharp mind. She also has a collapsed lung due to a hernia. Other family are bent to let her go home but the care would be my siblings & I (total 3). One sister works the other retired but has taken a toll on our thinking,health. I am going to suggest from the above which I already have before. I decided we each have to have at least 1 day off to breath again. That worked well this week. My mom is very strong minded & she doesn't even like if we are late when she expects us. Thank you again jeanneqibbs...

Deanna16, each of you start visiting fewer hours, and fewer days. Explain your plan to the director of nursing and social worker. (Inform the chaplain, too, if that is applicable for your family.) They can help see that Mother is taken to activities and otherwise occupied when you are not there.

I take it the "we" here is you and your siblings -- ? If you can't all agree on reduced visiting hours, then make up your mind what hours you are able to visit, announce it to your siblings, and act accordingly.

You don't say that Mother is on hospice or in imminent danger of passing. Presumably if things take a turn for the worse you will all be notified. Meanwhile, start cutting back on the visiting times.

I can understand how frightening a near-death experience would be for your mother and that she takes comfort in your presence. But it is simply not realistic to keep up this schedule indefinitely, no matter what she "expects." This could go on for another 4 or 5 years, or even longer! You have to come up with a sustainable schedule.

My mom almost passed a few weeks back & bounced back. She is 92 & very sharp minded. She is now in a nursing home but she expects us to be a her side from early morning til she goes to bed. It becomes very exhausting & feels like a life is on hold. We want to just do a few hrs at a time instead of the 4-5 shifts that we take durning the day. How can we ween her from this. We would visit everyday but the long hrs are just becoming to much.

Good to see your question,nice one.

Estella, they can certainly suggest that to you. Could they enforce it? I really can't see how! Did they explain to you why they think it would be better if you don't come every day?

I attended a care plan meeting recently and was told not to come see my mother every day anymore who has alzhemiers & dementia. can a facility lawfully do that?

I am finding out the hard way that my mom with dementia and paranoia does not really respond well to our visits. She thinks "something is going on" all the time and accuses me of not listening to her about it. Her conversations go downhill from there. Unfortunately she can't communicate what she thinks is going on so we CAN listen to her and at least validate her feelings. I leave feeling as confused as she is, so we have decided to visit weekly and during the day rather than at the end of the day when sundowning is more likely to be occurring. I suspect she won't remember when or if we have visited anyways. What a sad state of affairs.

I don't think we have time for visiting any hospital or any home per day, but we can schedule our few minutes for our elders just to feel them happy.

I think each case is different. I used to go from 3-5 days per week or more when my cousin was in regular Assisted Living. This included me taking her to her medical appointments. (She had a series of falls and we were seeing doctors of some sort every week.) But, after I placed her in the Memory Care Unit, I don't get as many calls from the staff with issues about trivial things. I allowed her to settle in there for one week before I went to visit.

She is quite fond of the staff, though she doesn't know anyone's name. I now go once or twice per week, plus I meet her at her doctor appointments, which are not as great now.

The Memory Care unit is located in a different city from me, but I still think I'm visiting enough. I check things out, go at different times and days and chat with staff asking questions and following up if necessary. I am quite cheerful and loving with her and I feel she feels at home where she is.

If I do see my cousin two days straight, she doesn't remember it. When my parents go to visit, I take a photo and hang it in her room so she can see we were all there with her, but I don't think she notices its there. At least not when I'm around.

I realize that when she no longer recognizes me, it will be quite difficult to keep going. There are many at the Memory Care facility who I never see with a visitor. I suppose they could come when I'm not around, but I think some of them don't get visitors. That's sad. I don't want that to happen to my cousin.

When my mother was first placed in the nursing home (due to a fall and failure to recover to live independently again) I went every other day. But whenever I needed to adjust that schedule to accommodate my daughter's school or recreational activities she was verbally abusive. She can communicate and wheel herself around the facility and she even has a cell phone to call her friends though she rarely does (Depression). My husband worked the night shift and is not a talker so I was not able to rely on him to fill in. She would not have wanted a man she really doesn't know in her room before getting washed up and dressed unless it was one of her sons. I regret going so often in those early yeas because it wore me out and I almost lost my job on several occasions. I now go twice per week and while it may seem like a long time in between visits we have more to talk about. She thinks she is missing so much but when I don't have anything new or exciting to report she gets angry. She was calling twice a day every day, and then every other day. Now only when she is bored or wants to know when I'm going to visit.

Question? What are the reasons for visits to our loved ones in nursing homes..especially if they do not recognize us? For me it is each persons choice. When my mother was in a nursing home she said the two years were the best in her life. She had a terrible life with my father. I worked full time plus and had Saturdays off. I visited her, my father and my son once a week on Saturdays and Holidays for two years travelling 50plus miles one way. Then drama struck our family again and she and my father died days apart in different places (a year after my son's death). That was many years ago now and while I still have sadness and tears...I am still oliveoyl... Namaste to all!

I visit my Mom most days. If I don't visit something always seems to go wrong and she calls me crying. She calls me constantly anyway, but it easier when she's not crying.

wow, what great answers. I have hired a companion that goes almost everyday; shes great and I pay for it. but he still wants to see me cause everyday everyday he begs me to come home. its been 3 months and he's still begging to come home. so this is extremely helpful to me.

on Saturday, IF we feel good, he and I are going to the movies and for a bite. now im wondering if that will set him back. he tries to run away and I told him he needs to stay at least until we get the house fixed and I need the money from the aid and attendance to do that. he says he will die first. its taking all my strength and he almost has me convinced. I am looking into how much it would cost to set up the ALF at home; fixing his bathroom, widening his doors, taking everything out that he tripped over (especially the booze). So my deal to him will be that he has to give up his car in order to come home. If he gets the booze, the home based staff will know it. I don't know the answers yet; but I am searching for them...

When my Dad was in independent living, I could hardly keep up with him and mostly waited for him to show up at my house! He lived w/in a few miles of me. As he progressed into assisted living, he became more and more dependent on me as the time went by. My job requires me to travel, so on the days I wasn't out of town I called twice a day and when I was in town I visited every day, having dinner with him at least 2x/week. It took so much of my time to do that and as I look back I wouldn't have done things any differently.

I visit Mom in AL every two weeks unless she needs me to bring something to her. I'm not too far away, but as I've pulled back she is adjusting so much better. We both know we love each other and she knows she can count on me if needed. And she knows I stay in touch with staff and vice versa. My Brother checks in and stops probably once a week, her ex tenant calls every day to check in and my 3 out of town sisters call through the week to equal a phone call a day. Weare all working together to stay in touch. It's been two months now and each are giving me a report that Mom isn't complaining and is interacting more, not talking about getting out/going back to her house. I take the Grandkids along when possible too for short visits. It is different for each family. Be sensitive to what's best for your parent not just doing what makes you feel good. It's ok :)

pmonjon God bless you and your sister. I take care of my mother in her home and have for the past 3 and 1/2 or so years. I have two nephews who put their Mom, my sister, she is only in her early 60's, into a nursing home and she has deteriorated so dramatically. I am 1,000 miles away, no way I can go there either with my mother, or trust to leave her in anyone's care so that I can visit my sister and it tears me up inside. I call my sister almost every day ( sometimes I call and no one answers the phone, other days I am so depressed by my mother and her health that I just can't call her ( I do the majority of talking, giving her pep talks) I have called my nephews to scream at them when I found out they were visiting her only periodically, they are two of the most selfish pigs I have ever known, they are both young and healthy and one does not work nor have a wife nor children, that one leeched off her for quite a few years he even lost her home when he decided he needed to take control of the bill paying, what a useless moron. The 2 just inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars from their paternal grandmother, whuch in my naïve mind I thought for sure meant they would get together and bring her to a home they could buy and care for her, but of course not, those narcissists only know how to do what is right and easy for them, God forbid if they should ever think of another's needs and comfort over their own. When I read how caring and loving you and your sister are to your dad it makes me smile for you 2 and for your Dad, but feel so sad that my sister was not blessed with two children like you and your sister. You are a very good soul and a wonderful child to your father! I hope many blessings happen to you , your sister and Dad!

Sounds like a simple question yet no single answer addresses the needs of all. Family members should give careful consideration for their loved one. My mother was in a nursing home for two years after a fall in her home. I live out of state and visited each month on average 5 days at a time. My sister lived nearby and spent time with mom about 5 days a week. Of my four brothers, one visited not at all, one infrequently, one 3-4 times per week, one 5-6 times per week. You might think that's a lot of visiting but my mother always enjoyed our company. She liked and enjoyed most of the staff having her favorites. She enjoyed some activities such as the music programs, but others she found boring and after a few trys declined attending. Being individuals I would expect variations. When I visited I "dressed" mom up (a hat, a scarf, new shirt) and took her for walks (in her wheelchair) around the building. So many staff and other residents would call out her name and stop to say hello--this she loved. Frequency of visiting is not the most important factor although I favor more than less, it's what you do during a visit. Make the most of your time together. Be open and listen to your loved one to understand how they feel and what's happening in their life. We had a rapport with the staff exchanging information as needed. In my opinion, visit as often as you can and stay in touch as much as possible. Show love patience and interest for your loved one, and respect for the staff. Most posts I viewed were on the side of more visits not less. I lost my mother and dearly miss those visits. I also feel drawn to visit those who were her buddies and who had few social calls. Happy visiting All...

I think it is individual based and what is right for you may not be right for me, there is no dogma in my opinion. I do not have a car, so I have to rely on my bike and if I am fit for a ride emotionally and physically since I have ankle osteoarthritis. Otherwise I pay for a cab and with no income and lots of bills this I try to avoid. I have to rely on the weather not being too blustery, a bit of rain is okay, but in t his part of the world the gales blow hard and the rain can drive vertically. In any event, an optimal time for me at first was during an occasion, music, or party, kept a bit of diversion from the constant pleas to come home. I call every day and talk to my mother to see if she is okay if I can't go there. I bring her flowers, cookies, chocolate when I go about once or twice a week. I always bring her in the lounge and make her tea and give her the cake I brought up for her, we sit and watch her favorites like John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart movies, Kojak and Magnum PI get her going. I interact with staff and they are warm and caring and they never know when I will show up, it is always warm and cheerful there so that comforts me. The point is your parent has to have time to bond in their new environment, they need to make friends or attachments and develop new routines. Go when you can, hug them, spoil them, and let them know you will be back soon and will call them and that they can call you at any time. My mother may forget I was there, but it makes for better visits to just accept her and whatever she has to say while there, she always wants to know when my deceased father is coming up, I don't correct her I just agree with her and make it pleasant for myself and her, as much as I can, because it is like Escape from Alcatrazy, she is always plotting her escape, we make a game of it now, I tell her I'll get in trouble if I take her out and she understands this and accepts it, it is a mind cluster. Just go when you can and don't let anyone tell you how much you should do or not do.

My dad is in an ALF but will be moving to a SNF soon. I think the bottom line is...what is best for dad and what can I realistically commit to. The SNF is 2 hours one way for me and 20 minutes for my sibling. Realistically, she should be able to visit more than I because of distance. But also, realistically, she works full time and I do not work outside of my home. I have more time during the week. So we are trying to work out a plan so that dad never goes a week without a visit from one of us. I have to remember that I can do what I can do. I cannot decide for someone else what they can do. So I will visit as often as my schedule will allow. Some may say that 1 visit a week is not enough, but, my dad is not a social man. When I visit, I bring my IPad with photos and videos of his great grandkids and that will get him talking about them and he brightens up. I made a collage of all of them with their names and he will sit and smile at the pictures. He knows all about them, but does not remember their names. He forgets my kids names and sometimes he forgets us. But I know my dad loves me and I love him. I will visit as often as I can and I will not feel guilty that it could not have been more. He would not want me to feel guilty.

I am only a mile and a half away from my mom who is 91 with dementia so I pop in every day. She is always happy to see me and it does not upset her. Her husband died in December so I went more often for a week or two until she started to adjust to being on her own but staff has made a great effort to persuade her to go to bingo and other activities to keep her busy. She probably forgets I was there an hour after I visit but the smile on her face makes me think she remembers on an emotional level that I was there. I think dropping in is very important to keep staff on their toes and to make sure they are not slacking off. Having a friendly relationship with staff members helps a lot.

I am unable to visit my mother very often b/c my sister placed her 150 miles from our village. How stupid can you get.

At first I went everyday to see my Dad. Then after about 3 months I went every three days. When ever he goes to the hospital for pneumonia and comes back, I come everyday for about a week to make sure he is doing ok. After 3 days I start to fell guilty and can't relax at home if I don't go see him and let him know we didn't just drop him off there and that I love him . My sister on the other comes twice a month (maybe) and can't figure out why I feel guilty. But she is a selfish person and has issues....

I don't think there is any square answer on this question. I think you should visit as often as you can; if that means daily, so be it. When my in-laws were in the NH, we visited every time we were in town, which was every other week, as we live almost 200 miles away from their NH. If we couldn't visit, they had a phone in their room and we would call every single day, sometimes several times a day to stay engaged with them and ensure everything was OK with their care. My sis-in-law would visit a few times a week, but brothers-in-law would only visit if they were in town (they all live out of state). I think it's very important to still stay active in your parent's live by visiting as often as you can, or call daily; they are displaced from their home and need to know that their children still care about them.

was visiting my mom 2 times a week, but she hounded me about going home, and I have serious nervous issues, and depression, so i go once a week now. It's hard to find things to talk about when she isn't facing whats really happened to her health and considering my limitations. Do the best you can, and that's all we can do. I also don't visit alone because she acts better if I don't. I have cried too many times leaving there feeling like a horrible person for trying to keep my mother safe and cared for, but she doesn't understand.

ormonian....my mom's life pretty much revolved around me. You made me feel so bad. With gas prices so high...it is 50 miles round trip...I also have a small farm and 4 grandchildren who are very involved in my life....I do the very best that I can..wouold you be able to go see your loved one three times a day if you lived 25 miles a day. I stand by what i said.....it is very individualized to every situation. The frequency I visit(ed) my parents does not show how much they loved me or how much i love them. Your answer was pretty hurtful

We used to go every day but now it is mostly every other day. We do it to keep our presents in view of the staff and we go at different times to make sure all is going well for our dad.