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Since I put my dad into an very nice assisted living, he has been giving them hell. He did have an UTI. That is now cleared up, but is still tearful and has repeatedly cried for me to come and get him. He is 90 and very self centered, selfish, and demanding. Even the nurses are having a difficult time controlling him. He is using so much of their time demanding that they help him to "sail around the Horn of Good Hope;" "Get a taxi to Atlanta." Etc.


He's been there 3-1/2 weeks. At first we, my husband and I, were visiting once per week. He is an hour away, we are retirees ourselves. This can be exhausting. I have also been calling him every morning and evening.


I told my aunt, a retired nurse, and she said I am having too much contact. That I should give him a chance to get used to his environment. She told me by reacting to his demands and bad behavior is making it worst.


Opinions please.


Signed by Daughter trying to do the right thing.

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When my mom had to be moved to a NH I knew it was going to be rough - I had no idea just how rough! Everyone said she'd probably adjust in two or three weeks. It took a little over two months and a visit to a geriatric psychiatrist for a medication overhaul. Now mom seems accepting - and for my mom that's about as good as it's going to get. Between my brother and I we see her roughly four times a week and have from the start. I think the visiting has to be an individual decision based on the person. Had we visited my mom less her feelings of abandonment and loneliness would have gotten worse and made a bad situation unmanageable.
It may seem hard to believe right now but with time and proper meds your father will adjust.
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CarolAnn, the way I view it, it is probably like sending a child off to college... you wonder if they will like the dorm.... if they will like the food.... if they will make new friends.... and will they be at class [activities] on time. You can't help but worry.

On your profile I see that your Dad has Alzheimer's/Dementia, thus chances are your Dad may not remember if you had visited yesterday or not... or if you had called him or not. That is how I am viewing this my own Dad who last month moved to Independent/Assisted Living from his house by his own choice.

My Dad's new place is just 5 minutes up the road, and I find I need to give him his space. And I have cut back on the telephone calls, too.
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I listened to the administrator, who told me to visit twice a week. If anything was wrong, they would call me. It took my mother three months to settle in and not be mad at me.
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I found that when my mom first went into the NH I visited every few days hoping that it would help with the transition. It didn't. When I backed off some what she seemed to find her aclimate better. My mom was always very Independant and lived alone most of her life. I think with moving to a facility, with a roommate and the hustle and bustle of nurses, coupled with family showing up constantly it was just too much for her.

It harder than it seems not to go constantly, I still try to go once a week but if I have to stretch it out longer I do not feel as guilty. Since I backed off a bit she seems to be doing much better with the adjustment. She know lets the nurses care for her where before she would only allow me and would get very angry otherwise.
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She is right. Call the nurse instead to see how he is doing, do not visit until he is settled in. Let them medicate his behavior. Ask them when they think he is ready for visitors, then go, stay for an hour, no more. Visit in a common area, where he is more likely to behave.
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