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Mom entered a good nursing home. She was wandering and trying to escape so luckily they got her into the secure Alzheimer's wing, with only 16 beds. One woman was actually bumped out since my mom was trying to get on the elevator. My sister and I were visiting trying to get her settled in. They asked us not to come visit for one week, she was getting combative, etc wanting to leave. I didn't go, then they asked us to just call the next week, she was being very restless and trying to escape. After two weeks, I went in, she was happy to see me and my sister. It's been one month. I take her out to the garden, and we visit in her private room. Here is my question: My sister visits about 4 times a week and wants to take her out into the community every time. She took her to garage sales, took a 45 minute phone call from her son, pulled over to the curb. She takes her to Trader Joe's, Kohl's, coffee shops, etc. She never stays in the facility, which is quite nice! Today she is going to visit and take her out again. We are arguing, I believe it's too much. Mom is 81, she still walks but off balance. She can use the toilet, but it takes 20 mins. She told me she is medical power of attorney and can do whatever she wants! She told me to get on medication and that I need medical help. We are not getting along. I am not the expert on this subject, but before the nursing home, she did the same thing. I lived with mom for 16 years and was her main caregiver, but she would drag mom all over town while she shopped. I want to take mom out maybe once every week or two weeks, maybe to get an ice cream cone or quick meal at a coffee shop. This is also during her first month.She said she is going to ask a nurse today for their advice, just randomly on the spot. They may tell her what she wants to hear, or be afraid of her. I appreciate any comments!

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I would look into getting a pre-paid credit card for her. Sister is going to drain her dry if allowed to spend mom's money like that.
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Nango, your sister has taken the common logic of : If you don't have the test done then you don't have anything wrong. Some call that "denial", I call it running scared.
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GREAT news on that test. Man, I bet a lot of people would love to know that about themselves.

I also got to thinking that if you mom's mobility is declining, it may be that she will eventually be very limited in her ability to trace around town with your sister. She may have to hire a van that will accommodate a wheelchair or confine her visits to the facility.
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As for the suggestion I get tested for early onset. I did 2 years ago through Rush Medical University. I had an MRI done while they gave me a cognitive memory exam inside the MRI. I passed and my brain was absolutely normal for my age and no signs of Alzheimer's was present, plaque build up wasn't there. Rush keeps calling for my sister to come in and so far no appointments are made. I have regular physicals through my job. I had my mom on an 18 month study drug through Rush also.
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I didn't see anything in Nango58's post that would suggest that she has concern for her own condition. Caregiving can be stressful, but it doesn't mean you have a problem. It sounds like Nango58 has good instincts and concerns. She's sought out advice and is doing an excellent job at protecting her mother. So, I don't understand why she would get checked out.
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I have a feeling that your sister is the kind of person who is constantly on the go and rarely if ever sits down to have a serious one on one conversation or just quiet time with someone else. Dragging your mother along on her outings could be the only way she is able to spend time and connect with her. Let them have this time together as long as possible, I expect that sis will have a major difficulty spending time with her any other way. The facility will let you know when the outings start to become a problem, after all it is the staff there who are left to deal with the aftermath.
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Nango58, I think it would be a good idea for you to have a complete physical, gracious, 16 years of caregiving can really wear you down. You should also be checked for Alzheimer's risk. Early diagnosis is essential.
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Since you both have POA's. I might suggest that sister and staff meet together and discuss doctor's advice about it. To me, it seems foolhearty to push the envelope with a fall risk dementia patient. They don't do well with surgery. Is she listening to the doctor? The outing should be for the benefit of you mom and not just about tagging along with someone who has other plans and agenda.
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I asked the main social worker this morning for her advice. She gave a good answer, it isn't a certain number of outings. It all depends how mom does when she is out or returns to the facility. I know my sister had a difficult time in the grocery store with her, she wanted to purchase items for her old home, but she got her back into her room and nobody really knew. She said some families take their loved ones out more often and others don't. She is a fall risk. She said the visits should be calm and not too much stimulus. We should get into routines so it doesn't throw her off. Years ago my parents made their wills, they made me financial POA and my sister medical POA, just to be even. This was before we knew mom had this terrible disease. I want us both to be on the same page and do what's best for mom and her adjustment. I just feel in my heart that taking her out to a different place all the time is not a routine for her. I guess I need to stop worrying, and also take care of myself.
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Not sure about your family dynamics since you were mom's main caregiver for 16 years but your sister has POA ?

My mom is nearly 93 and has been in a memory care facility for 5 months - up until recently I had been taking her out for whatever Doctor appointments she has and to dinner and sometimes a movie once a week - she can use a walker but we always use her transport wheelchair

Her behavior outside the facility is acceptable for the most part but returning her to the facility is becoming more of a challenge - one night she nearly escaped on me even in her chair and it took all my strength to drag her kicking and screaming backwards into the gated facility - unfortunately elder siblings and grandkids won't visit her so unless I take her out she won't see them even on Easter, Mother's Day and family birthdays - my mom is not like the other 80 yr old residents who have Alzheimer's - she has had numerous bad falls and is feisty and wasn't accepting of caregivers in the home - she can draw a map to her house and once eloped out the front gate of memory care intent on going home

So not knowing how your mother behaves both outside and returning , my only suggestion would be to get a transport wheelchair for outings and pack an xtra diaper and wipes - four outings a week does sound like too much though -
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one sister was like that years ago, she was Clueless. Let mom out of her car in the dark and she fell and broke her arm. (she has never visited her since she went into NH) Me? I just stay with mom in the facility.
You have voiced your concerns to sister, perhaps voice your concerns to the social worker there and ask their opinion?
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Who is dealing with the facility about her care?

Has her doctor cautioned them about her walking without a walker or cane?

Is she a fall risk?

I would think that the facility would let sister know if the outings were a problem when she is returned to the facility. It doesn't sound like the kind of thing that I would choose to do with someone who has those issues, but, if her doctor and the facility, have no qualms about it, then I don't know what your remedy might be. Even if you disagree, I'm not sure that being at odds with your sister will help matters.

If you feel very strongly that sister is not using proper caution with watching her and caring for her while she is on the outings, then I might consult with an attorney and find out my rights to file for guardianship for her. If you succeed, then you would be able to make all the decisions without sisters consent. That's pretty extreme though and it could damage your relationship. Plus, you could lose and not be appointed. That might put you in a worse situation, especially if sister is appointed. Maybe, you'll get other suggestions here.
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