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Mom & Dad are moving into Assisted Living, I have been there every weekend. I have been making the trip to my parents apartment (in a life care community) every weekend since my Dad fell last March 4. It was Christmas week that I had last seen them.

Admittedly, I had gotten a little out of touch with them. I had not realized how bad Mom's memory loss had become. On the night that Dad fell she tried to drive home from the Hospital and got lost. I had to out her in respite care while Dad was in a Nursing home.

I am the only child who lives nearby (I live and work about 70 miles a day). My two brothers and two sisters have all been down at least one time this year. Though, I have spent nearly every weekend visiting and helping out until there is a space available in Assisted Living. My Dad is my Mom's primary caregiver. His health and eyesight is failing. I mostly help with groceries, trash, recycling, pill boxes, etc. on the weekends.

In a couple of weeks, they can move. My two sisters are coming to help pack, and my younger brother will be there on the move day and for a few days after.

Once they are settled in Assisted Living, it is my hope that I can cut back on the frequency of my visits. I certainly so not want to slip back into losing touch, and I don't want them to think I am abandoning them, but a lot of what they need me for should be taken care of. What would be an appropriate frequency?

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bettyb21. You make a good point about advocacy. That is another issue discussed in my book, "What to Do about Mama?" There are few "rights" or "wrongs." Caregiving is a constant balancing act.
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well said, OscarAntonia. Whatever and however each of us do; it is all done with love and respect to our family member.
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Lots of good suggestions have been shared - on a high level, I lean toward being there, doing more, etc. than what you think is necessary. Go the distance for your parents... it will help you sleep better at night. It can be a fine balance between taking care of your own life and being there for them. One thing I've learned in the past several years - it's important that I honor my parents. This can look many different ways for many different people, but I've found that I cannot always rely on the level of involvement which would satisfy me. At times, my dad and my in-laws have needed more from me, at times they have needed less. And it's not the same level of involvement with every area of their lives. Also, physical needs are just a small portion... the workers at the AL cannot replace YOU in your parents' lives.
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When my father was 88 he fell and broke his hip, 110 miles away, and was admitted to a nursing home where he stayed for 2 months. I moved down there, used my accumulated sick and vacation time, and visited every single day for the entire visiting hours. It was grueling, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I was the volunteer for outings to watch him, feed him, when the nursing home did outside excursions. I sat with him during all entertainments planned, church services, etc. What it did was caused him to remain dependent on me for his entertainment and company, he didn't bond with the staff or any other patients. If I was out of sight, he bellowed for me non-stop. The Staff couldn't do anything for him because he expected ME to be there to do it. I had been taking care of most of his needs prior to his inpatient stay. The staff knew his room would be cleaned, his clothes would be fresh and changed daily and laid out for the next morning. All they had to do was feed him in the dining room and administer meds. They never got to know him as patient or as a person. I even attended the physical therapy sessions and did the exercises beside him to get him to do them, so the PT didn't have to do much coaching or helping, either. It about killed me physically. But I thought I was doing the right thing. I then brought him home here in town and kept him at home for about 6 months. I left my job, my home, my family, my husband, and started 24/7 care. What I did was cause him to be in full control, making it downright impossible to enforce medical care for him. I ignored my own health and was in a downward spiral. I had him admitted to a nearby nursing home, 35 miles one way, from our home. I decided to not visit for several weeks after talking to the social director and after extensive reading online, allowing him to adjust. And allowing the staff to get to know him 24/7 without me hovering for 10 hours a day. Now, at age 90 and after 9 months in this nursing home, with his advanced Alzheimer's and Dementia, he doesn't know how often I visit or who I am most of the time or even where he is. I visit at least once week to check on him, make sure all is okay, but I find it is harder on him when I visit since he struggles to make conversation and try to find things to talk about since his memories are few. He seems to enjoy the company and visit but I've peeped thru the windows at him and he is also very happy just being left alone now or wheeling up and down the hallways by himself. Every patient is different, I'd say visit when you feel you should. There is no set rules or guidelines or patterns, it all depends on you, your current situation (family, children, job, health, etc), and the patient's ability to receive company. But Samara and the others are right, keep on top of his meds, his needs, his room, his clothing....staff don't always do everything, they can get overwhelmed (or complacent if a family member is doing most of their work) Buy do remember that just because your family member is now in assisted living, memory care, or ALZ patient, you are still under a lot of the same stress, just because they are no longer physically with you doesn't mean that we don't still suffer daily from the stress of all of this. We still maintain their homes, bills, financials, along with our own daily needs. Continue to take care of YOU. And never let another family member or well-meaning friend make you feel negligent because you aren't there every other day for 10 hours straight. Again, do what is right for you and your in-patient family member. That schedule will change as the patient changes.
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No one right answer to this Q. My only addition to above comments is to repeat that you can't 100% trust the facility or staff, they are only human, mistakes can happen, staff does quit & new people on staff (actually staff at these facilities have huge turnover).
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I visit my Mom once a week and phone her every day. Fortunately, she is fine with that. But I know her memory wavers and she has told me that my sister had never visited her when I know in fact she had.

When i visit her its for myself really cause the guilt I feel if I don't wears me down. She says she is fine with just the phone calls but if I don't get out for my visits I miss seeing her sweet face.
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I for one believe that you should go as often as you can. It does a world of good for the staff to see that there is oversight even in the best of places -- my mom was in a wonderful place, but.....I understand that life has demands but the need for your parents to feel connected to you increases, especially once they are taken from the familiarity of their home. I understand that some of the comments here are meant to help ease your parents into a new environment and make friends, but with a dementia issue, that may not work out as well as hoped for. They need you. Oversight is important. You can also connect with staff to, your phone calls don't only have to be with your parents. Best of luck to you, I know how hard it is.
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WTDAM1stbook
yes to family relationships. Theyare so important and often the stress of placing a parent in a AL or LTC puts a strain on what you thought was a good relationship with your siblings. They don't go to visit or always have an excuse not to do something or one of your sibs who you thought couldn't care less is the one who is there for you and your parent in ways you never saw before. it is eye opening. I think you need to go to the facility frequently to keep an eye on what is going on. Even the very good ones sometimes miss things or let things slide. You really need to be your parent's advocate. Just like when they are in the hospital and maybe don't understand what is being said or can't remember what the doctor said. Having said that, it is important for them to have some alone time in a new place and find their own pace there. It is a balancing act. Phone calls and skype can also be beneficial if you can't get there as much as you want.
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I recently received help from a psychiatrist (unrelated to caring for my mother in AL-Alzheimer's). He said to keep the visits short--no more than 15-20 min since trying to concentrate and talk are very difficult for the patient and lead to more stress in their days, especially those who can't or barely remember the visit. My dad was going for 2-4 hours at a time, finding nothing to talk about or do, when I gave him this advice from a professional. Visiting 3X a week through visiting every few months is simply your choice, and should depend on what you can honestly do for your loved one and what they need.
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When my mother-in-law moved to our community and into a supportive independent living retirement community we, too, were concerned she would feel abandoned if we didn't see her frequently. (She had been pressured by 2 of her 3 children to make the move to OUR community.) My husband and I were both working full time, so we brought her to our home on Saturdays and Sundays. Her two daughters each lived 2 hours away. One visited monthly, the other about every 4 months. Her other son, a pilot, was supposed to be able to fly in frequently and easily, but it didn't work out that way, so he, too visited about every 4 months. My husband and I made a mistake to devote each and every weekend totally to his mother. One day a week would have been more in line with the other children's standards, and would have provided my mother-in-law with more opportunity to participate in activities at her living facility. Eventually, when her health declined, I quit my job and she moved into our home. The lack of "shared sacrifice" bred resentment over time. So yes, spend time with your parents, but establish boundary lines. Communicate expectations clearly with your siblings to try to maintain some equitability. I wrote a book about caregiving, What to Do about Mama? It shares the caregiving stories of 35 different caregivers. Family relationships is a major topic in the book.
Barbara M., Author
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The choice is up to you and what you are comfortable with.
First I can empathize with your reticence to visit more than over the weekends.

It's a depressing experience no matter how well our parents adjust to life at assisted living centers. I do not have this experience, yet. My mom is 90 and still lives at the original homestead that she and my late father bought in the 1950's.

From discussions with my cousins about their own experiences with placing their parents into assisted living centers I can tell you that it is/was emotionally hard on them no matter how often they chose to visit. I have a set of cousins, 4 siblings whom all lived within comfortable locale of their moms nursing home. They chose to do round the clock sibling rotation vigils from morning to night. There was always a child present in the morning when their 'mom' woke up for the day, and a child present when she was drifting off to sleep. They did this for 7 long years till Summer of 2014 when my elderly cousin decided she had suffered enough and was ready to enter her 'next life'. I have cousins who visited their mom once or twice a week, weather permitting. She lived in the Northern Mid-west. Snow storms were always an issue. I have a cousin in Michigan who visits her mom every other day or two...or once a week, weather permitting during wintertime.

With your father's current ailing health I would consider an option to switch up the caretaker/POA and transfer it to you or one of your other siblings per your fathers decision, provided he is of sound mind to do so. If your parents are not of sound mind for decision making you should have a sibling meeting and find out which of your siblings will step up to the plate to help ease your 'full plate of stress'. That not only includes round the clock care of a parent (even from a distance they can call to check in or call a neighbor if you are unavailable). Also the appointment of a POA among your set of siblings should be legally adopted. IF you feel you should be POA because you are presently overseeing everything that is happening. Then it should be so. Sometimes the siblings that live at a distance may not want the extra burden of the financial monitoring of a parent or the medical monitoring as well. Some are born to be caretakers, others are not. Don't condemn your siblings if they want no part of the care-taking rituals.

Do what you feel is best for your parents...even if you never get a solid answer from your siblings. Give them time limits and stick to the deadlines for decisions. They may b*tch later but then you can say to them that they never gave you an answer by the 'deadline' you asked for so you made the final decision. Bottom line is 'if they wanna be a part of the decision processes they better show up, step up, and communicate their opinions, advice, etc. If they do not ...don't force them to make a choice...make the choice as if you were literally the ONLY CHILD.

Hope this helps you. Good luck.
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My best friend is in assilsted living now. At first, I visited twice a week. Now that she has friends, she requested that I only visit weekends because she is very busy during the week, but lonely weekends when her friends have family visiting.
(She has no family - just my daughter and me.) She always wants us to take her out someplace for lunch and/or shopping. I try to call her midweek to make plans for the weekend. This is working very well for us.
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My mom, who is 94, moved into a senior retirement community that consists of independent living, assisted living and memory care. She made this move 3 years ago. My husband and I checked out the various communities before we recommended and placed her into where she is now. It was very tramatic for her and I really made the effort to be there for her as often as possible. We would go and have dinner with her several times a week, which gave us an opportunity to meet the dining staff and get familiar with the menu. We would often sit at a larger table and invite other residents to sit with us. That enabled us to have get-acquainted conversations. I helped her with her laundry, met her cleaning person, even played Bingo with her several times. In that way, I also met the activity director, and other residents that I could greet on a first-name basis. A few times, we would just drop in unannounced to she what she was doing. We found with a group of people and they were all playing cards, laughing, etc. The most important time will be the initial week or two after they move it. Don't let them feel abandoned or "dumped". This is a very overwhelming time for them. The time you can spend with them in the beginning will be well worth it. You can then phase into seeing them twice a month if you like. Giving them a phone call (maybe every evening in the beginning) when you don't see them will be a comfort to them. I see my mom at least once a week now. We take her out to lunch and maybe a small outing to the grocery store, or the mall. She really looks forward to it and absolutely loves it. My suggestion is that you may want to relocate yourself to be closer to them. Make sure that you let your sibblings know that they need to participate in seeing them. Sundays seem to be the hardest time as there are very few, if not "no" activities for them.
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where my father is (NH) they have a meeting every 3 months to let me know of any issues (not urgent) or things that they have noticed and taken care of. Of course if he happens to fall out of bed, or chair, they call me immediately and let me know that they are checking him over, etc. I guess all NH are not the same, some better than others. but yes we all have to keep our eyes open for things. best of luck
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I visited my Mother every day, because I wanted to and she was close but also
To make sure she was being taken care of. My Mother had Alzheimer's so she couldn't tell me when something was wrong and it seemed that there was always something wrong and this was a very expensive $6300/month AL. If your parents don't have a memory issue you shouldn't need to be there as often. I agree with one of the responses that if they know you are there a lot they seem to take better care of your loved one.
My Dad is now in a Memory care facility, again very expensive. I visit about one to two times a week. Most of the time things are great but again I do find things that weren't told to me. So you need to make sure and tell them To let you know if there are problems and what I am doing is having a Family Meeting with the Executive director, nursing director, my Dad's nurse, etc. every 3 months. I just found out that my Dad hasn't been showering but wasn't told until I asked. Keep I. Touch with your parents by phone and ask questions and call the director so they know you are watching.
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What wonderful suggestions. Especially getting to know the staff. I would also recommend sending an occasional thank you card or box of candy or flowers or whatever to "thank them for all they do". They will remember that when caring for your parents, I know it shouldn't work that way but its better than them thinking of you due to your complaints about their care.
I have one question. Do your parents have access to a computer with internet and do they have the ability to get onto Skype? If not the staff at the extended care facility should be able to set them up. This way they could be in touch with ALL of their offspring, at least, every few days. I have found Skype to be such a blessing to talk face to face with my daughter who has lived overseas for five of the last eight years. She's even helped me be able to figure out how to use things on my iPhone and instructed me from afar. Best of all skype is free!! Person to person is far better but at least your siblings could visit with your parents in a more face to face manner as well as yourself. Its really up to you how often you visit but if you feel they are being well cared for and involved in the community and it is a burden for you to visit weekly then perhaps every other week would be fine if you feel your parents are happy in their new living situation.
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my father in NH and at first I would go out every other day (he was admitted in August), but as the year progressed and holidays coming, I didn't always make it out as often, I went one time a full week. did I feel like he knew I wasn't there - yes, but with his dementia I doubt if he knew what day it was and when I was in last. I still don't get in as often, but I am handling alot of stuff (financially and otherwise for my mom at home). So I do the best I can on getting in to see him. there are times when I go in and he is sleeping, so I don't stay and I don't wake him. Each person has to do what they "can do" and how they feel. I have other obligations to my own family as well so I do the best I can.
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I would go at least once a week, if not more, you will be their only outside link and they'll look forward to seeing you. I went everyday to see my father, but he was only 10 miles away. He had dementia really bad, but when he saw my face it immediately made him smile. That smile made everything worth it.
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When my grandma moved into a nursing home, my dad visited every weekend and he lived 36 miles away/one way. I've seen others, if they live within a 10 mile radius visit everyday. I would think you can cut back on visits, I know how difficult it is to work, care for your own home and family and be a caregiver. You can still stay in touch by phoning several times a week and sending cards or 'care' packages', and if there is bad weather you don't feel you must visit because you know they are being taken care of. Keep them 'updated' on family events and happenings so they won't feel out of the loop. Only you can determine what's right for you regarding how often you visit. Sometimes the transition is more difficult on family than it is on the ones going into assisted living. Encourage your family to also call and send cards and visit when they can.
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My dad's AL is about three miles away. they have happy hour every Friday for about 75 minutes and I usually go yo that. Many times I will stop in before or after work for a few minutes checking in his room as he moves stuff around. They clean once/week though I have disinfecting wipes I will use in the bathroom. Sometimes I will do an activity with him. I do not think he remembers how often I visit though he asks when I am coming back or I will tell him. My sis lives 1000 miles away so she doesn't see him as much.
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There really is no one right answer. I have three siblings and one of us is there about 5 days a week. When she first went into the facillity, we went more often to help her acclimate. the activities schedule is a great idea. We went with her to some of the activities, met the activities people and now they will stop to remind her and take her to the activity if we aren't there . It takes time to build trust in the staff, so yes, go in on different shifts and introduce yourself and talk with them. and make sure they know to call you any time. My mom nows knows most of their names and of course, has her favorites. We walk around the place, which is large, and have found some little nooks were we will sit and visit. it is a huge adjustment for you parent(s) and after a while you should get a feeling about how often you should be there. It also depends on how social they are. Some people jump right in and introduce themselves and get to know their neighbors. Others are shy and need a little time to settle in and make friends. You know your parent(s) so you will know what to do and how to help them. If there is a social worker there you can meet with them and ask them how to ease the transition.
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I just came back from a visit to my dad. He is always so glad to see us. We weren't sure at first how often to visit but we went with his needs or our gut.
Now we visit weekly often twice.

You do stay a long way off, but it is nice for them not to feel abandoned or for you to feel you're coping with however many times.
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Follow your heart.
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Perhaps you should have a "Heart to Heart" talk with your parents and simply ask them how often they think you should visit, then discuss whether that is possible or not. Most parents don't want to be "a burden." They may realize the situation and distance is problematic and it may be weighing heavily on their minds too. Openness and honesty will make it a win-win situation for everyone.
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In assisted living giving meds should be a part of their service as well as meals and everything else be taken care of (trash I don't know). Since you work and have a life outside your parents, visit when you can. Let them have time to get acquainted with their neighbors and staff (2 weeks - a month) and see how that goes. With both challenges of their health, you will have to decide when you can visit, and nothing is set in stone.
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Once a week is a bare minimum for a visit. Your parents need to be close enough to at least one of their children so they can be visited several times per week for varying amounts of time, and so the care can be checked on. People in ALF's get better care if the staff knows someone will be around often. My husband is in a very good ALF as were my parents, so I know whereof I speak.
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Avoid worrying about them by being clear that 1. the staff at ALF should feel free to contact you at once in case of emergency and 2. your parents should feel free to call or email you whenever they like.

Once the actual worry part is out of the way, suck it and see. Go as often as you guess will suit you, then vary the frequency to more or less often depending on how it goes. There aren't any rules. What suits you and makes you comfortable in your mind about them is all that matters. As you say, your parents' practical everyday needs should be being seen to; so you can concentrate on supplying the emotional bonus and just watching out for problems they might need a bit of extra help sorting out. It's all good!
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I visit my mom 3 days a week, and I would visit more often if I could. Only for an hour, and hour and a half a visit.
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Bottom line is do what you want to do. Every day? No way! You will figure out what works for you. FavoirteSon. My siblings did nothing - zippo for five years. But when it was time to cash in on the tiny inheritance, they were right there. Every family is different. Sounds like you carry most of the weight with your folks. I agree with RocknRobin also. Let them settle in.
Good luck!

~SS
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I live 33 miles from my mother's nursing home. I make the round trip at least once a week -- at the beginning it was 3X a week. My three sisters do the same. Mom seldom goes more than two days without a visit from her children. This is way more than we visited her when she lived in an apartment. But then she could talk on the phone, which really isn't something she can do now.

She knows us. She enjoys us while we are there. Her memory is such that she doesn't know if anyone visited her yesterday and if so who, but she does have a contented awareness that her daughters visit.

My mother is 94. She is in a nursing home. Our situation is not the same as yours, FavoriteSon. Each situation is really unique and you have to make judgments based on all the factors in your case. Your Mom and Dad have each other. They can still converse on the phone. See them in person a couple times a month might be just fine.

I think the jury is out on whether leaving them alone to settle in to their new environment is the best policy or visiting them more often to ensure they don't feel abandoned is better. If you do decide to visit more often in the beginning, try to incorporate community life. Go at a mealtime and join them in the dining room. Go with them to the live entertainment the ALF offers. Yes, visit in their rooms, too, but also get out into the community activities with them.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer. It sounds like your goal of cutting back but not losing touch is a good one. Trial-and-error will teach you how to achieve that.
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