How often should I visit my Mom in assisted living?

Listen to the staff. Visit once a week and call the nurses for updates in between visits. Let her connect to the other residents by pulling back to once a week. She will not expand her social circle as long as you are acting as her home entertainment center. Been there. Done that.

My mother is in a NH with parkinsons, dementia and stroke. The extreme stress of dealing with her over the years was affecting my health such that I had a mini stroke two weeks ago. Her dementia is pretty much full blown. To avoid the daily screaming tantrums I changed my phone number. I'll visit every so often to take her treats and ensure she has all she needs but I can do no more as the tantrums, accusations and wild imaginings are just so awful.

My mom will be in assisted living very soon and I will be asking myself the same question. She's lived with me for two years so it will be an adjustment. However, I have siblings who will also (hopefully) visit mom. Since you work full time and it's only you and your spouse I would think a few times a week would be enough?

My sister and me stop by at least for 45minutes to an hour or more everyday to visit with out mother who is in an upscale assisted living facility. Although mom is confused most of the time, she does know my sister and me and others who visit from the family..As a retired MSRN, I find that when staff sees that a family is interested and devoted to their family member, that family member gets more attention and great care. I also find that if the family members engage the staff in conversation about themselves and other staff members, that staff will take more of a personal interest in that families elder parent.

nightingale has an excellent point. Be seen, be heard, be known.
When the Head Nurse knows you on sight and smiles, all will be OK.

I am 57 years old. I have early stage frontotemporal dementia. What a conundrum; this all makes me want to cry. This will be me someday. Burdensome to my family but needing them more than ever. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lose my mind. I am scared. How do I get my husband to move closer to my siblings who have already said they will help? He is retiring this year. I have several family members who live two hours away.

Freakedout, my heart goes out to you. Of course you do not want to be a burden to your family. You do not want to have dementia! This is not something you chose. It was thrust upon you and as a result an opportunity to care for you is being thrust upon your loved ones. Not your choice. Certainly not something you would have chosen for yourself or for them.

In these early days you have the chance to try to influence the plan of your care. It sounds like moving closer to relatives willing to help would be a good idea. That your husband is retiring sounds like good timing for a move. This would also give you a chance to find housing best suited to the infirmities you may be facing.

A move would be a major upheaval for your husband. Does he have friends and family where you live? Is he highly social? Golf league, bowling buddies, season tickets to the opera? Moving him away from his support base at a time he will need it most is a big challenge, too.

The two of you need to discuss this possibility thoroughly, and with the firm conviction that this situation is nobody's fault and you both will have strong needs in the upcoming weeks and months and years.

Of course you are scared. I cannot even imagine how scary it would be to get your diagnosis. I know how frightened and frustrated and angry my husband was. You have people who love you, and who want to take care of you. Some will be better able to do that than others, but trust that you are in good hands. At some point your loved ones may need to place you in the care of professionals. I see that my mother is getting excellent care in her nursing home. She was very anxious and scared at first but she is now trusting the family and professionals taking care of her, and she is content.

Please try to dismiss the worry about being a "burden" -- you have enough other things to worry about.

Please post again, starting a new thread, and let us know how you are doing. We care, and we can learn from you!

I say no more than once a week. You will never be able to make her happy, so there is no sense you both being unhappy. She got to live her life. You don't get any do-overs on your life, and there are no guarantees how long you'll get after she's gone -- sometimes the "kids" do go first. Take care of yourself. Also - your husband's wants and needs should come first. You may also end up taking care of him, at some point. Don't let her steal what life you have left, it will never be enough anyway.

It's a skill to learn how to leave. When I get to the facility (before I go in), I set my phone's alarm for 30 mins and 45 mins. When it goes off, I end the conversation because I have to run. I usually say something about my kids' activities are calling. If I'm talking to the nurse in charge of her care, I'll go to the 45 min alarm and will leave right away. This structure forces me to stick to my plan and not be overcome with guilt. My now means now, not in a few hours. It also shows I have a life outside of visiting the Nh.

Beatty, time for you to stop being Julie McCoy, Cruise Director. Your Mom isn't joining activities because she knows that you and your sister will be popping in at a certain time, so she doesn't want to miss you.

You and your sister figure out a schedule. Visit just on the weekends. You take Saturday mornings or afternoons for an hour... and your sister take Sunday, or vise versa. Or choose another day during the week. Fuss over her by saying Saturday [or Sunday] will be our time :)

Does the facility offer physical therapy? My Dad use to go to physical therapy every other day, so that was an "activity" he looked forward to going. After lunch he would doze off.