How often should I visit Mom?

Ask the staff if they can take her outside more. They should have a fenced in area that is safe for the memory care residents to be in. Just going outside could improve her mood and help her to sleep better. I think visiting 2x is plenty, especially if she is an hour away.

My father was in AL. I visited about once every three weeks unless he really needed something. I worked full time and had a full plate. The visits seemed pointless to me because all he would ask was when I was visiting again. Other than that we would sit in silence. I would try and keep a conversation going but he had nothing to say and really didn't care about my life or what his grand kids were doing.

Visit as much as you can but don't feel guilty if you can't do it as much as she would like. I know on one of those rare occasions that I needed to be there two days in a row he suddenly thought I would be coming every day.

Inappropriate for facility staff to ask you to visit more. They’re being paid big bucks. They should be attending to her needs that’s what they are paid to do.

Get the attitude that big bucks are being paid to this MC. There should be enough aides that they can take Mom outside. They must have an area just for that purpose. Where there are seats and bushes and flowers. Moms NH had a gazebo. It was fenced off with a 6 ft fence so no one could get out. Doors were always open so residents could come and go.

You just explain that you are an hour away and work full-time. You can not visit more than what you already do. I think 1x a week is enough with the hour travel. Once my Mom was in an AL, I did not take her out for rides, ect. She was advanced in her Dementia so it was a hassle to take her out, Dr appt was it. Sometimes you can't get them to return.

It’s up to you, but the more you visit the better care she gets. If she has dementia she may not actually remember.

Try to change those g-words out. Guilt is for something you caused, something you did. Grief is for suffering. The latter word works best for this, as your plate is just too full.

As you say, whether you go or not Mom will not fully know that. Tell the folks at the care facility that there are total four generations counting on you, and you have to divide up your time best you can. No, it isn't fair of them to ask you, but they aren't THERE yet, aren't where you are, cannot understand it. So don't try to convince them except to tell them your truth.

My heart goes out to you. Enjoy those grandkids. Mom had her life, and they are the future. You are sandwiched somewhere between all that doing the best you can. You didn't create all this and you can't fix all this. You are only one woman, and a kindhearted one at that!

What do YOU feel is reasonable? You have an already full plate. Even without your sister and your mother. Your mother and your sister have been placed in facilities where they can be taken care of by professionals so that you can live your own life - and be their sister and daughter. So that you can be a visitor.

If she was NOT in memory care - how often would you see your mom? With her living an hour away?

While I understand why the facility relays the fact that your mother enjoys your visits - their responsibility is to HER - you are likely already visiting as often as possible. There are SEVEN days in a week. You are already driving an hour one way to visit her at least one of those days - sometimes two. I would imagine you probably spend an hour or two when you visit. And then you drive another hour back. I'm guessing you probably try to visit your sister at least periodically as well. You still work full time. So in a given day - so let's say you visit on Tuesdays - you are working an 8 hour day and then spending what 4 more hours of that same day visiting your mother?

I certainly hope I that this doesn't sound heartless - but since my FIL has been in rehab the last 3 months - we have visited once a week. He is an hour away. I'm working full time. DH is on medical leave. We go on Saturday afternoon and spend a couple of hours. We don't even try to go during the week at all. BIL and SIL go once during the week to pick up dirty clothes and bring clean clothes - that's usually a short visit. And then they meet us on Saturday. I realize that is a little different than Memory Care, but the parallel is simply that it is just too hard to try to work 8-10 hours, get dinner and prep for the next day and spend 4 hours visiting on a week night when I have to be in the bed by 10pm, 11pm at the latest.

Each person has to decide what works for them. Some will say every other week. Some will say 3-4 times a week. Some will say they go every single day. You have to do what works for you. I think if you visited every day she would probably feel like you didn't visit enough - so be careful trying to meet that expectation when it can change daily.

You should not feel guilty about taking care of yourself. You know she is somewhere safe and being well taken care of. She is there for a very good reason. There is no guilt in living your life and taking care of your family. And visiting her the way you would under any other circumstance.