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I am 40 and my mom is 70. She lives independently 2 hours away in a community that she loves. We have a decent relationship and talk almost everyday. Here is the tricky part:
She can be passive-aggressive and will not say what she wants.


For example: She asked me to visit to help her with a specific bank document. Even though it can be done over the phone, I said “yes” and took a Friday off work so that we can meet at the bank and go to lunch afterwards. She then asked if I could spend the night to help move some furniture. I said “no” that I have plans for Saturday and explained that moving furniture is not something either of us should be doing. The retirement property has an on-site team that can do it.


Being that I said “no” to helping around the house afterwards, I believe that I hurt her feelings. She said she understood and suggested we postpone the review of the legal doc until spring. I told her I’m still coming down on Friday.


Another example: I asked her what she would like to do for her birthday. She said she is “perfectly fine” staying home and that she doesn’t need a party. She said she is happy if we are happy. I explained that we can’t plan a birthday lunch without her input because she’s the guest of honor. I threw out a few suggestions and she closed the subject.


I don’t understand why visiting/making plans is so difficult. I asked her if she wants more visits or less visits and the answer varies from “I don’t want to be a burden” to “anytime your free”. I certainly recognize that both of those statements are true.


Any insight? I just feel like a lousy daughter.

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I know this isn't going to help, but you really do have to judge for yourself and please yourself.

I'm approaching sixty, and my children are all in their thirties. I work full time and live nowhere near them. I honestly don't think I am (yet) burdening them with guilt about how much time they have for me.

But the truth is that no one is more important or more interesting to me than they are, and in a fantasy world I would have monitoring systems kept on them at all times. I would also like them to consult me when they want comfort or advice, and I would like their warm support when I am facing difficulties of my own.

So no, they can't do too much calling or visiting to please me, but OF COURSE I don't rationally or seriously expect more time than they can comfortably spare. In a way I don't even want it - being busy in their free time, spending leisure with their spouses and young families, not running to their mother are all signs of a healthy adult, aren't they?

You are not a lousy daughter. Your mother is not being passive-aggressive, or at least I don't think so because I can imagine exactly how she feels; but if you suspect her of it call her out not on the passive-aggression but on the specific issue on hand. E.g. "mother, we're taking you at your word about not wanting a party. How will you spend the day? - because we don't want to think of you sitting there all alone like Eeyore."

[I should add, I'm with your mother on the party, too. I love getting cards and flowers but I'd rather lounge around on the sofa eating posh chocolates than spend three hours trying to look thrilled.]
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Sendhelp Nov 2021
It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.
“Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh.
“Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet,” said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.
“We just thought we’d check in on you,” said Piglet, “because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.”
Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay?” he asked, eventually. “Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”
Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.
Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”
“We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”
“Oh,” said Eeyore. “Oh.” And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.
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Your mom is playing the passive-aggressive card really well.

My turned 90 during COVID. Yeah, it stunk, b/c she really wanted a BIG party like we did for her 80th which was an EXPENSIVE and extensive blowout (can you tell I was in charge??).

We gave her the ONE option which was a drive by party--she would sit in her wheelchair in the front yard and 'wave' to us as we slowly drove around and around the circle. Pre-packaged snacks/treats would be handed out. That was the best we could do at the time!

Well, she didn't understand COVID and didn't like this plan one bit. She ended up going along with it and all was fine, in the end, although she refused to wear a mask....a lot of people just got out of their cars and came & talked to her. If we'd have had an outbreak of covid we all know who ground zero would have been.

Now it's the holidays and she's already begun the 'well, I guess I'll just stay home, nobody will come get me." Not true, ANY of the sibs would fetch her to our homes, but she wants to stay 1/2 hr and then leave. It kind of ruins the day for whomever hosts her, she doesn't really want to go, she just wants what she wants and damn the torpedoes! Your mom sounds the same. It's a background way to A: get what they want and B: make you feel rotten C: instill plenty of guilt in your relationships.

If she's like my mom, she really DOES want to be a 'burden' and she really 'DOES' want us all to fuss her (the way we did HER mother, who was an absolute delight to have around.)

Let her know that IF she will not help out with some of the b-day planning, then there will be no b-day this year. Then drop it.

If you're a lousy daughter for not falling for the drama, well, then you aren't alone. There's a LOT of us on here.
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lealonnie1 Nov 2021
Yep, they ALWAYS want to be a burden, just pretend they don't! And they love to use the phrase, "I know I shouldn't say this BUT............" and assorted other doozies, right? Things that make them feel like they're off the hook by prefacing a rotten insult with that remark!
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I wouldn't say she's passive/aggressive but rather that she's a typical mom who doesn't put her desires first, even when asked. She likely doesn't have a lot of desires, for that matter.

Visit her because it's the right thing to do. Tell her you're coming on X day, and ask her to put together a list of anything she wants done or wants to do. If she doesn't have anything, then enjoy the visit and go home. Occasionally plan an overnight if you can just to mix it up a bit.

You aren't a bad daughter, but I would advise not wasting your effort assuming what your mother is thinking. If she hasn't said her feelings are hurt, then don't assume they are. Just do what you know is the right thing (not neglecting her), and things will be OK. If you need to remind her you aren't a mind-reader and can't always know what she wants, perhaps that'll help her open up a bit more.
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In reading the replies to this post I am seeing how we answer based on our own life experiences.

My former MIL was the queen of Passive Aggression. When I stopped playing her game my life got easier.

Before that she pouted and whined to others.

OP, your Mum should have said, I would love for you to spend some time with me, can you spend a Friday night? Then you could have said I am available to spend what ever night in a couple weeks. Easy peasy and no hurt feelings.

But your Mum decided to be manipulative and come up with a job that requires you to take a day off work, then pout when you told her you could not move furniture, nor spend the next day. All that is on her, not you.

I would be clear with Mum that if you take a day off work you are losing X number of dollars. Not including the cost of fuel, wear and tear on your vehicle etc. If the task can be done remotely, or by another for less money, then Mum should not expect you to lose pay. If it is something that has to occur on a work day, then you are in charge of choosing which day you take off.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2021
Well said, Tothill. You're absolutely right too. Don't play the game with them.
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Do exactly what your mother tells you. If she says she's perfectly fine staying home on her birthday, then honor her wishes and don't do anything.
If she tells you that visiting any time you're free is fine by her, then do that.
Your mother is an adult. Treat her like one. Not like a child who has to be coaxed and conjoled into something even if it's what they actually want.
Do not play into her passive-aggressive nonsense. If she really doesn't want to be a burden to her family, she wouldn't make things so complicated for you.
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Jazzy1349 Nov 2021
Burntcaregiver - I am a proud holder of 5 certifications, all dealing with seniors with Alzheimer's / Dementia. I am a caregiver for seniors, public and private, and everyone of them has, at some point, mild to extreme cases of Dementia. When a senior gets this nasty disease, they know something is "off kilter" with them - just don't know what. They start sliding downhill, they lose some cognitive abilities - and they all, to a one, revert back to having childish ways. It's a comfort zone to them. Bottom line, they do not realize how they're acting - to them, it's normal as always. So please, let's not be too harsh in the judgement chair. We may one day find ourselves sitting there.
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Passive aggressive people like to hint around at what they want while expecting YOU to know what they want by reading their minds. My mother has been this way her entire life and is continuously unsatisfied with her entire LIFE b/c nobody has EVER been able to read her mind satisfactorily. PA behavior is a communication deficit, in reality, and something that's very hard for their loved ones to deal with. You have to make mother understand that it's up to HER to make her wishes known, otherwise, you don't have time to play games.

Here's an article on the subject & ways to cope/respond:

https://www.bustle.com/articles/131384-8-passive-aggressive-things-moms-say-to-their-daughters-and-how-to-respond

This article even addresses the common PA guilt trip of "Oh I know I'm such burden......" and how to handle it.

My mother would also dole out the Silent Treatment along with her Passive/Aggressive comments & behaviors as a punishment for not getting her way. She's 95 now with advanced dementia, but some of that old behavior is still alive and well in her, believe it or not. Old habits die hard.

So to answer your original question, you have to decide how often to visit your mother; I was visiting once a week before the dementia got bad. Nowadays, the phone calls are dreadful so I've been visiting 2x a week for shorter periods of time. But our situations are different. Do what YOU feel is right and what's tolerable for you. Be sure to set down firm boundaries with your mother which is more for your well being than hers. PA people don't really have any and always want to see how far they can push us.

Recognize that you're never likely to get an HONEST answer from your mother, meaning it will be up to YOU to decide how often to visit, how long to stay, where to go, what parties to set up, etc. Sad but true.

Good luck!
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No, she is passive-aggressive. Had a MIL like that only she sulked when she didn't get her way. And when she did get her way, she was sneaky about it. Then throw in she had a personality disorder and her lies, that we really think she eventually believed. I was lucky she moved 2 days away by car.

Do you have a family? If so, their needs come first. Actually, your needs come first too. You work, so you may not want to drive two hours to Moms house. You set a boundary by saying you will not move furniture especially when there is staff that can do it. No, I have other plans, a boundary. If u don't set them now, it will be harder as she ages.

Your Mom is 70 and seems no major health problems. She is not old. She enjoys her community. So you don't need to visit all the time. Me, my husband is wishy washy, so I end up making the decisions. He will say No when he doesn't really want to do something. Do that with Mom. Continue to make your phone calls checking in. Don't ask her anything, tell her. "Mom, I thought about driving up/down on Saturday, is that good for you?" Give her no more than 2 choices for lunch. If she can't make up her mind, you pick. Don't ask about what she wants to do for her birthday. Call her and say "thought we'd do a nice dinner on your birthday at ?. Or "How about I come up/down and we do take out and spend a nice evening together, I'll sleep over" Always take flowers.

People like this I stop asking. You live your life and fit Mom in. If that means an overnight visit once a month, so be it. My brother lived 8 hrs away and saw Mom 1x a year. If it wasn't for my SIL not sure how much my younger brother would have seen Mom and he lived 30min a way. Before my Mom lost her license I didn't see her that much and she was 5 min away. She had her Church, her friends. Me I am 72 and have a 44 yr old and 36yr old. Oldest lives 4 houses down, I wave as I go by if she is sitting on her step. 😊 My youngest I see maybe 1x a week and that's because she does her laundry here. Of course, I have my DH but don't things would change much if I didn't.
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Stick to your limits. You are going to need them because it's going to get worse. You are not a lousy daughter, you are a grown adult woman with your own life. I would encourage you to start doing some research on "enmeshment" in adult relationships between adult children and parents.
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I have further evidence from today to support my argument that you must not allow your anxieties to get out of hand. It is not at all what your mother is aiming for or wants.

Last week Daughter 1 mentioned that baby grandson's mittens did nothing to keep his fingers warm. As if by signs, in the supermarket that very afternoon I rubber-necked in passing a pair of army camouflage mittens, size 1-2 years, with 3M Thinsulate lining. The postage cost more than the mittens did.

This morning I was getting a bit worried in case they hadn't arrived safely, but I needn't have. D1 called a) to thank me SOOOOO much for sending the mittens but b) to confess in misery that despite both parents' efforts GS1 had succeeded in losing one on first wearing.

The point is that she's been working up the courage to tell me this for over 48 hours. What did she think I would think? Has anyone ever met a 9 month old baby who hasn't thrown his mittens (and shoes, and hat, and Only Acceptable Comfort Blanket) overboard?

Moral: do not burden yourself with fears about what your mother might be thinking.

Moral 2: always sew a sleeve-cord onto babies' mittens before posting them.
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Your mom sounds like a typical mom to me. I think she hints around because she is uncomfortable asking directly for what she wants. She’s uncomfortable asking because she knows that you have your own life and she doesn’t want to be a burden. I’ve been in your situation for years. First with my grandmother and now my mother. Here are some things you can consider trying:
* Ask directly if she likes living there, Ask if she’s starting to need or want more help. If she doesn’t give you a direct answer, tell her something like “I’m uncomfortable (or it’s frustrating) when you won’t just tell me straight up. I want you to tell me so I don’t have to guess”.
* Reflect on where you’re at with helping, visiting. Could be that she picks up on your reluctance or your feeling burdened. Neither of you are being direct.
* Is it time for a companion for Mom?
* Set up a regular day or week to be with her and show up consistently. It may help her to know she’s going to see you regularly and when.

You are not a lousy daughter. You need to know what you want, how much time you are willing to spend, and how important it is to you that you support your mom as she ages. Then be direct and honest with her while also letting her know directly that you love and care about her. If you do care and want to support her as she ages, let her know that distance will become difficult. Your Mom has a responsibility to help make it logistically possible for you to support her. She also needs to understand that suggesting someone to move furniture doesn’t mean you don’t want to see or help her. It’s merely practical.
* Any time that you show up for your mom in any way, it’s a gift to her. You are not obligated to do it. You choose to do it. You and she should feel good about that.
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