How often should I visit my Mom in assisted living?

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I moved Mom into assisted living 4 months ago, she is under hospice for chf but in the last month has improved and is doing much better, walking now, off oxygen and eating all her meals in the dining room. This is a premium ALF and it is 5 mins from my home. I have been going to see her every day, I work full time and I must admit I am worn out, Mom always seems to want more..I have been told by the staff I should visit less as there is only myself and my spouse, no other relatives, my husband is getting tired of me being so drained all the time.

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Beatty, time for you to stop being Julie McCoy, Cruise Director. Your Mom isn't joining activities because she knows that you and your sister will be popping in at a certain time, so she doesn't want to miss you.

You and your sister figure out a schedule. Visit just on the weekends. You take Saturday mornings or afternoons for an hour... and your sister take Sunday, or vise versa. Or choose another day during the week. Fuss over her by saying Saturday [or Sunday] will be our time :)

Does the facility offer physical therapy? My Dad use to go to physical therapy every other day, so that was an "activity" he looked forward to going. After lunch he would doze off.
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My mother lives in an upscale independent facility.
The facility offers 3 meals a day, many different social activities and a shuttle service to anywhere she needs to go.
My twin sister and I live fairly close to the facility but we both work full time. We feel like we’re being pulled in so many directions with work, family life and seeing our mom.
We feel like we’re at our moms beck and call and even though she has several activities a day to choose from, she relies on us for her entertainment.
We love our mom dearly and would like to know what is expected out of us in visiting her.
We are both feeling guilted into seeing her way more than we have time for right now.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated! Thank you
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It's a skill to learn how to leave. When I get to the facility (before I go in), I set my phone's alarm for 30 mins and 45 mins. When it goes off, I end the conversation because I have to run. I usually say something about my kids' activities are calling. If I'm talking to the nurse in charge of her care, I'll go to the 45 min alarm and will leave right away. This structure forces me to stick to my plan and not be overcome with guilt. My now means now, not in a few hours. It also shows I have a life outside of visiting the Nh.
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My parents both moved to a memory care this summer and I am also struggling with how much too visit...and how long. Sometimes I go and the visits are pleasant.. but there are times when they are not happy, want to go home, want to know where their car is..etc etc...my visits are never long enough.. and they are usually sad when I leave.

I have a hard time leaving especially on the weekends because they never want me to leave and want to know why I am leaving and what I am going to be doing..and cant I just stay until.. lunch or dinner or ....whatever. Sometimes my weekend visit stretches out to 3 or 4 hours until I can finally find a time to leave.

The visits during the week aren't as difficult if I go during my work lunchtime .. then I can have an excuse to leave like I have to get back to work.

I noticed that the other family members of the other residents at the facility have very short visits.. maybe 30 minutes to an hour at the most. and at the times I am there.. I notice they don't visit as often as i do. I have been visiting about 3 times a week. I am the only one that visits them.. so if I don't go they don't get any visits.

I know what you mean about the guilt.. I always have such sadness and guilt when I leave. I am trying to rebuild my life and my entire life for the last 3 to 4 years has been focused on them so I have lost all family relationships .. and friendships.. so I am lonely as well... but I need to try to start building some kind of a life for myself away from them. Its a balancing act for sure and there are no right or wrong answers.

I feel for you stellakat visiting every day. I used to be with my parents every day before they moved to the facility.. but I am trying to stick with only a couple of days a week... it is hard tho. When they first moved in I didn't visit at all for a couple of weeks.. they were very unhappy and I was exhausted... I'm sure they didn't like it .. but they survived. I'm sure your mom will be ok too if you cut your visits down some.
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I've been visiting every day and it's killing me. She is always unhappy and complaining and I am going to try to cut back. I would advise you not to get into the horrible habit of showing up every day. I do believe that it does keep the cycle of your relationship going to the detriment of their involvement in their new living conditions. But it is all so hard...
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It's been 6 months and I'm still struggling. I go about 3 times a week, but the visits are long, protracted ones with, "Please don't leave me." at the end. I'm riddled with guilt and a broken heart. I pray that God gives us both the strength to walk through this.
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I have limited my visits to my mom to 3-4 times a week. I don't try as hard as I used to, to make sure she has all her wants met, because the list is never ending and I was getting myself overwhelmed with trying to keep her happy. I am the only one who lives near enough to visit, and have a very busy life outside of her also, I can't keep up with it all.
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Great idea if they are capable of using/seeing it? Wouldn't work for my situation but sounds fantastic! Try it!
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Have any of you used video chat to visit on days you can't make the trip or just for a quick check-in? My neighbor started doing this to visit her Dad in a nursing home after she had knee surgery and couldn't get there for the first few weeks. Her Dad doesn't know how to use a computer so the staff helps. Has anyone else tried this?
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Don't feel guilty about not seeing your mum every day.You have to look after yourself too.I am 61 and work full time.Look after 3 grandchildren every weekend and have had to deal with an abusive manipulating mother on my own for 16yrs.My health has started to suffer,not because I work or because of my grandchildren.Its because my mother is so demanding.Put yourself first and withdraw a little now from you daily visits.The longer you leave it the harder it will get.
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