My parents are adamant about aging in place. They have a caregiver at night. I have made it very, very clear that my dad, if not both of them, should be in AL. I live 25 minutes from them. My dad has advanced Parkinsons and dementia. My mom, who was always very cruel to me, yells and screams at my dad every time I'm there. Granted, he's not easy. He refuses to sit and talk to visitors, even though he can barely walk and he often forgets to use his walker. So every second of the visit is full of danger and screaming. I have gotten advice here before to always bring my husband with. That helps, but the truth is I still don't want to visit every week. My sister and I have started switching off weekend visits. She went this weekend but I still feel like I should visit today. It's depressing as hell to see them though. And incredibly frustrating because they refuse to do things to make their lives easier - like hire more care or allow me to get groceries delivered to them. I know there's no magic number for visits. But if you are in a similar situation, how often do you visit? I know no one here can tell me what to do, but I'm torn. I'm only going out of obligation and guilt. The visits leave me with a massive emotional hangover that ruins the rest of my day and I want to have a nice day with my husband and kid.
Get sound canceling headphones with pleasant music.
Don't let them tell you that they don't want things you know they always use. Just do it. If you know they need soap, milk, a particular type of bread, some coffee, T.P., ground beef, brocolli, anything, and you can afford it, just get the dang things and stick in their pantry or fridge without a word.
Torn? There's no torn. Be a thinking robot for a minute. They don't want to do things that is obvious to you, write it down. If you care to speak to their doctor do, or make a chart or fixes and be done with it.
Home delivery service…….Phone number……..Charge.
Broken gutters…………………Phone number……..ask for Hank, get free estimate.
If you see that there's a puddle on the floor, don't mention it, just clean it up. You see the fridge needs cleaning wait 'till the coast is clear and do a little tending. You'll never be in agreement. Be the silent kind, thinking, adult.
Put a timer on your visits. Listen to a comedy radio show before visiting. Bring flowers. Don't become your mother. Be the contrast.
My mother only insulted me. My father ignored me. For years I drove 4 hours to visit for a weekend, once a month, to spell my sister who lived 2 hours away. If they were ill or injured I stayed longer.
I had a plan of attack. I washed their floors, shampooed the carpets, washed windows, bathroom, re-chaulked around the tub, shopped (I bought what they wanted but because I knew their habits and needs I bought what I knew they could use without asking or thanks) and I prepared meals (they could prepared meals but when I was in the kitchen they enjoyed the living room and TV). Often my mother wanted to showcase a meal, and when I compliment her (she was an excellent cook) she'd harshly tell me that I shouldn't because it was her duty. There was no pleasing. Who cares. I did whatever was obvious and not everything at each visit. By late Sunday afternoon I got the heck out.
Torn? You don't have to do all this. Do only what satisfies you. This made me feel good - for me. You do what you would appreciate, only if you feel good about it, and know you did the right thing. Or don't. You will never, ever, have the relationship you deserved. Know it, down to the bone, it's okay anyway, and stand up straight.
I did what I did out of pity. My parents had difficult childhoods each and lived through WWII in Europe. I know plenty of people who were sweet as honey with similar backgrounds. My parents cracked. I be can't as they were. Bad experiences or not. But I made a decision and knew it was right for me, me!
When it gets ugly just say…"And there we go again, see you next time. I hope you'll feel better then".
Stupidity has consequences.
Most people wish to make amends before dying, not her, she wrote hate letters to everyone that she knew just days before she died.
She was unbelievably mean and became so mean towards the end of her life that she died completely alone. No one could stand to be near her.
Good for you! Who knows, maybe dad is making that up. Or maybe the son is a dysfunctional mess who can't hold a job, his wife threw him out and this is his solution.
And yes, he will end up homeless and broken in more ways than one when his parents' pass.
I scaled back. Weekly, to 2nd weekly like you.
I worked to find healthy ways to process the emotional hangover. Eg a fast walk to music, a solo drive with singing, a warm bath, a fun tv movie.
Now some visits are phone calls 😁 & so physical visits can be more like monthly. This has reduced the after effects to near zero. Plus I really enjoyed the catchup! I think we all did. It was more of a novelty.
I hope you find the right balance soon too.
Oh I don't think I would be able to hold back from popping his magic-land bubble..
Oh? Really?
He won't have a paying job any more.. How will they live? Afford food or be able to pay their bills, or heat the house?
How sad. Probably be found dead, starved & frozen in the house. The grandchildren too. Just too sad.
Oh No - I see! The parents will PAY for EVERYTHING now! All the food, bills, for the house, the maintenace, yardwork, repairs. All the grandkids clothing, education, activities too.
They'll be living like a King & Queen in a castle! Ruling everything & paying for everyone.
Is that what you'd like to do Dad?
But if he was making minimum wage and working what some companies consider full time, which in many cases is a maximum of 30 hours,
AND in many of THOSE cases that doesn't include benefits except for certain positions, that may be a whole different scenario. Because in that situation, they might be working two or even three jobs to make ends meet. To be honest - if someone got the opportunity to leave that all behind and not have the responsibility of paying bills on minimum wage with no benefits and let someone else pay the bills- in exchange for "taking care of them" - it would probably sound comparably "easy" because they have zero idea of what they are getting themselves into.
OR...they "LEFT" a full time job behind - meaning they "left" the job entirely, BEFORE they decided to come take care of mom and dad. Maybe by choice, maybe not. But either way, they don't currently have a job. Lather, rinse, repeat.
While I'm not saying it's not possible that this fabricated son (if he even exists) didn't quit his lucrative job to sacrifice his entire life for his parents, I'm saying its not very likely. And that it is far more likely HIS own situation was such that he may have benefitted in some way by coming to help his parents (or at least he thought it was a benefit when he did it, and didn't really understand what he was getting himself into).
I'm also not ruling out entirely the possibility that OPs father just came up with this so called son to try to manipulate him. Look what so and so's son was willing to do. Look what a good son he is! Yeah...sure dad.
Sorry, I've seen this movie. The credits are usually pretty misleading and the movie is never what you think it is.
I took care of my mom who had Parkinson’s disease. It’s extremely difficult. I’m happy to hear that you will not be doing any hands on care.
You have more than enough to do now. The stress of caregiving is overwhelming. My blood pressure was awful when I was a caregiver for my mom. My stress level was through the roof. Please take care of your physical and emotional health.
I agree with others about calling in Council on aging to do an assessment on your parents. Be sure to be there when they come so they will receive accurate information about your parents health.
I am glad that you have a sister who alternates with you on the weekends but in reality it is too much responsibility for both of you to deal with.
Your dad is going to fall if he doesn’t use his walker. My mom used her walker and she still fell.
Your mom is certainly adding to the stress level at their home and stress will affect your father’s Parkinson’s disease symptoms.
As far as the groceries go, get the list and order online.
Has your dad ever done home health? His doctor can order it. My mom did it several times. They will provide an occupational and physical therapist to help your father with his strength and balance issues. They will also provide an aide to help with bathing.
Is your mom taking any medication to calm her mood swings? The yelling and screaming must drive your father crazy at times.
Don’t give up on placement for your parents. Ask the Council on Aging representative what can be done to place your parents. Make sure that you stress to them that it is impossible for your sister and you to continue to care for them because their needs are increasing rapidly and that you cannot possibly take off of work to be their caregiver.
Best wishes to you and your family. I certainly hope that you will find a viable solution soon.
How are they getting groceries now? Mom sounds like she could have dementia as well. My siblings thought my mother was just crazy and that it got worse when my Dad died, But what it really was was her dementia was more noticeable.
Mom doesn't get to dictate if she needs help getting groceries. If she needs help she has to compromise. You just tell her they are being delivered.
Most of them don't want to go to a home. Sometimes it takes a fall or some other trip to the ER, Then you tell the social worker the situation and try to get your parents placed in a facility.
As far as the visiting. Maybe go every other week, if its bad you leave quickly. Your Mom sounds like my mother, she was embarrassed to be in a AL. She told me not to tell her neighbors.
As far as a visit, you owe nothing to a couple of rageaholics who are destroying your mental health and your family’s. Don’t go.
I wish I could tell you the magic solution to this issue many of us face, but if there is one, I'm unaware of it. Set up a treat for yourself after the visit...something to look forward to. Remember this dynamic between them is not of YOUR making but of THEIRS. Remember there is no arguing with dementia, just nod, agree, and get out of there asap. Remember to bring snacks, the great diversion 😁
Good luck to you!
Does Mom have POA over Dad? He really cannot make decisions having Dementia. Mom should make them. If they have money, I would take Mom around to some AFs that have MC too. Let her see how much freedom she will have. She can join in on activities and go on trips knowing that staff will keep an eye on Dad. This is what my SILs parents did. So if Mom ends up being all for it, Dad has to go along with it. Mom will have meals cooked for her and Dad. Laundry done. Room cleaned.