How much time is too much time for those of us who are caring for our loved ones?

I see that you are taking time to care for yourself. So the hour or two a day is enjoyable . You are making memories.yoyr father is not guaranteed a life on earth forever. Death will come at some point. Perhaps it would behoove your husband and children go with you say once a week maybe thee weekend and make good memories. They will remember and talk about them. I'm sure your husband and children have some good, funny, memories before and now that he is sick they need to continue . They won't regret it. They will regret it if they no longer visit.

God bless you for spending this time with your dad. I often think siblings feel guilty and/or jealous because they don’t have equal time or interest to do the same, and your commitment makes them feel guilty. As long as this works for you, you will never regret it. Your dad is very lucky to have you.

No one gets to tell you how you should feel. Only you can decide that. I good friend once suggested an excellent response to others advice “thank you for your input, I will consider it” and then you decide and it shuts them up w/o offending anyone including yourself. Good luck. It’s usually the ones not wanting to put the work in, that make the most suggestions to you, right? Prayers.

What is too much is up to you. If you are good with an hour or two a day the fine. If you're burning out, then yes it it too much. Before Covid, I'd visit my mother usually once a week, I skip occasionally. They just opened up again for visits and tomorrow will be my third weekly visit. They occasionally had activities but there was a period they were locked down in their apartments for a 6 week period.

Ideally visiting once or twice a week would be better, your father should be getting to know those in his community and interacting with them. Just my thoughts.

Imho, time spent with your LO cannot have any fixed minutes, hours or days.

If you’re comfortable, content and happy spending time with your dad, ignore the family’s comments. If it’s interfering with your marriage, you’ll need to come to a compromise with your spouse. Personally, it would be hard and distressing on me if I knew I couldn’t see my mom.

Hello, I spend about 8 hours with my mother everyday. She is terminally ill although has lasted already longer than the experts said! She also has Parkinsons Disease, thyroid, heart and memory issues and kidney failure....shes still her and as I am not currently working I can be with her. I love spending time with her even though she sleeps a lot! My brother and husband think its too much and also that she should go into a care home. We may have to soonas we are nearly out of money but I know she would rather live and die in her own home. Ita putting a huge strain on me and my husband as I am exhausted and he is stressed for me. Its by far the hardest thing I've had to deal with so far in life and there are been some doozies! I think you should spend as much time as you like because you'll be the one in the end who has to deal with how you feel and I know that I'd be happier knowing I did all I could for my parent.

That is between you and your father. Whatever makes you feel comfortable and what you feel you can do for him. I'm working full time and take care of my parents as well. I do the best I can but in the end I don't want to have any regrets. I don't think there is a formula on this type of care. He's fortunate, some people don't have anyone to care for them.

Caregiver must take care of themselves first. Retiring early may mean that you have limited your future retirement funds. It might be a good time to check in with a financial planner, and also maybe a spiritual counselor, if your are a person with religious faith.

Shame on your family! They do not sound supportive to me, they sound like a bunch of narcisist! Your Dad is ill & he needs you! He has taken care of you his entire life by feeding you, clothing you & keeping a roof over your head since you were born. What's wrong with your family members? Why do they not go & visit? & I'm speaking of those in your own home! For the ones living far away that's an excuse. They choose not to make him a priority. (& covid is no excuse either) He is confused & scared, he needs something that is routine, familar. Your Dad will most likely only have a short time left. It's really nice for your family that your Dad is tucked him away in a home out of sight out of mind????
I have been living with my Dad for the past 3 1/2 years & am his only care giver, while my husband lives at our house. He comes over almost every night for dinner. We make things work around my Dad's care, maybe I have a more supportive husband than you?? I have a sister who lives 15 minutes away & one in Az. neither call or visit for months on end, but they make sure they get their vacations , come out to the area for sporting events etc..but fail to stop by while in Ca. they are just too tight on time excuse is just that AN EXCUSE! I don't need that kind of family. I sure hope when your inner family become older & start having health issues, failing memory, or need around the clock care, that they get more compassion then what their selfish whining crybaby selves are giving to you & your Dad. Good luck to you, my advice is to get a thick skin to your inner family & tell them to go to hell if they cannot support you more. The gift YOU are giving your Dad right now is precious & pricless

Louise, you sound like an amazing daughter. I understand your Dad is waiting for an available room on the Memory Care side of the facility. I can relate to your not having him formally "tested" because he is afraid of doctors ... it was difficult to get my late father in for testing (for a different dementia) for similar reasons.

The main reason I did it was because I'd read online that there were a few things that could cause dementia-like symptoms that were actually treatable ... like UTIs, or various vitamin imbalances. I was fairly sure that what I was seeing with him was unlikely to be due to any of these "easy fix" issues, but I'm a bit OCD about stuff, and I needed to be sure. As I suspected, his problem turned out to be much less treatable (frontotemporal dementia).

So, for what it's worth, here's my take on your question ... I think you should spend as much time with your Dad as you want to. At this stage, he clearly enjoys and is comforted by your visits, and notices/gets anxious when you don't come. I'm guessing your immediate family are concerned about you because standing on the "outside" of your relationship with your parent, they may worry that you are giving up doing other things you enjoy or connecting with other friends and family, etc.? If these are their concerns, they may or may not be legitimate ... only you can really say. Do you enjoy the time you spend with your Dad? Do you feel that you are being robbed of the opportunity to do or enjoy other things? Are you happy about the early retirement, or do you feel cheated of the additional income/security retiring later would have ensured (not to mention the daily interaction with other people)? Is your family concerned about the early retirement for financial reasons?

If you're unhappy about any of the above, your family may be sensing it and concerned. On the other hand, if you're happy and feeling secure about your decisions and enjoying the time you spend with your Dad, then I think you're doing great, and just need to reassure your family that you're happy with the current situation.

On another topic, assuming your Dad has a progressive dementia of some kind, be prepared eventually for him to be regularly anxious even if you continue your weekday visits, because he may not remember that he saw you yesterday. This happened with my Dad, and it made me sad ... he would light up when he saw me, and then say sadly that it had been "so long" since I visited. His sense of time became very elastic and strange, and his short-term memory was failing him. He would even say (and I could see he believed it) that he hadn't seen any caregiver or eaten in days ... but I had an internet camera set up in his living room and could see that this wasn't true. But that didn't matter; he clearly believed these things, and they made him feel abandoned and anxious. All I could do was reassure him that I was checking in on him and visiting regularly, and be upbeat and cheerful and WITH him when I visited.

Enjoy your time with your Dad. He is lucky to have a daughter who cares so much.

If you are retired from your job, not working 8 hrs. a day, why does an hour or 2 daily seem like "too much" to your immediate family? When you were employed, you spent much more time than that away from them. I can't see how it deprives them in any way.

Do they claim this is harming YOU in some way? Maybe it is stressful, emotionally upsetting, sleep depriving.
You are the best judge of what you can tolerate... and if it is worth it. Maybe you do need to cut back for some legitimate reason (just because I can't think of one, doesn't mean there is none)

But whatever decision you make, know this: your immediate family WILL survive. But, when your father is gone, you will NEVER regret one minute of the time you spent with him.

Your Family sounds very selfish. Your Father deserves the love and respect you are giving him.Unless your health is suffering keep it up. Your Family probably feels guilty because they are helping. Ignore their advice.

I think 1-2 hr 5 days/week is fine; your presence may provide motivation to eat/drink/PT/take meds, etc. The rest of your family is entitled to their opinion, but likely because they feel their infrequency of visitation is making you look morally better than they are; which it does, but that has nothing to do with care.

How much time you spend with your dad is between you and him.
You are to be commended for being such a caring child. We need more like you in this selfish world.

Only you know your heart and mind. If something happens to him you will have regret and guilt anyway you go about it. However you’re the only one that knows how much you can handle.
I have been there. Yes it’s stressful but in the long run you can say I did what I could.

I assume since you are retired that hour children are in late teens or in their 20s or older. They may be married with fzmied of their own. You are taking the weekends off And that is when the family can get together I'm sure they have jobs so what is their problem they looking for a free babysitter? You are retired, have raised your family, so do as you want. No regrets

No 1 to two hours a day 5 days a week isn't to much time.our parents don't live forever unfortunately. You will always .iss them but no regrets you are doing what God would do.. God bless.

There is no right answer here. It is a balancing act. Maintain your health and sanity to be able help long term. Resentment can build over time so pace yourself. This is marathon. Reserve your energy for the end of the race.

I'm going to level with you Louise315, and please forgive me if I speak plainly.
You don't really have a problem. If you have the time and are happy going to see your father five days a week for one or two hours each time, then more power to you. God bless.

May I suggest that you look at the quality of your life to answer your question.
Are you getting 7-9 hours of good rest every night?
Are you getting 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace daily?
Are you taking time to meet your own health needs?
Are you taking time daily and extended time weekly to engage in activities that nurture your soul with others your value?
Have you outlined the reasons your immediate family think you are spending too much time with your father? Are their reasons valid?

If any of your answers are problematic, then yes - you need to work on some issues of your own. Seeing your dad probably isn't the problem, but the other areas of your life may be the concern. If you need to address any issues, see your doctor and maybe a counsellor.

No time is too much time if you're ok with it and you're not forgetting about time for yourself and others.
Since you are retired. You have the time and an hr or two 5 days a week seems fine to me.

If you want to slow down, make sure you do it slow like start with visiting 5 days a week for just an hour then go to every other day fir a visit

I think you should do whatever you think is right and feels comfortable...
no such thing as too much time with a loved one who needs and enjoys your comfort and it’s also good for you as well .
why do you even ask ????

Good that you updated about the plans to move to MC. Sounds like he would do much better there, esp due to limitations in socialization and activities in AL due to the virus. I should think most places have been vaccinated by now, allowing for more interaction, but he may not be able to understand that and get to activities. AL generally isn't 24/7 care, so it's good that they are providing more interaction with him.

I also wouldn't worry so much about testing. It won't change anything and could be too stressful for him. What he would need, if it hasn't been done already or is ongoing periodically, is an assessment for his needs. The staff should be handling that. Mom's place would go over assessments every 6 months. That was for MC, but they should be doing some kind of assessments in AL as well.

One or two hours/day doesn't sound excessive to me. If you can do this and it doesn't take away from anything you need to do for yourself, but it helps you and him, I would continue. Does the family just think you are wearing yourself out or are they feeling neglected?

As several noted. esp Ricky6, what harm is there in spending 1-2 hours a day with him? What regrets would you have if you cut that down? How much longer would he be around? It is good for them to have contact with you. As it progresses, there may come a time when he won't recognize you as a daughter, but likely WILL still know you are someone who cares and YOU still know who he is!

As long as it doesn't take away from anything or anyone else, visit however long you want whenever you want! It's not like you're spending all day every day with him, which is likely what you were doing before he moved!

It might be like raising kids. How much time is too much time to spend with them? Different parents have different ideas about that.

If you don't think 5 to 10 hrs a week is too much, then it's not too much. None of us, absolutely NONE of us, can give you a measure of time or tell you what is right or wrong.

For your family to tell you that - why did the topic come up? Is hubby feeling neglected? Are others asking you to visit with them or do something with them and you decline because you are trying to meet a certain schedule visiting dad? If family has valid reasons that indicate you are there too much, determine where they are coming from - you have health issues you are not managing, they just don't like you to be away from them, normal activities have been interrupted because of the visits. -- Are their comments valid or selfish in nature? Use that to determine if you need to reduce hours (or maybe even increase them LOL).

I knew a older woman who visited her mother each and every day during a meal time - either dinner or supper and sometimes both. She did it for many, many years. Lived in a small town and drove to town, about 8 miles round trip every day. Her mother looked forward to the visits and eating with her. All her kids were grown, so this was just her daily routine. When her mom died, I know she had no regrets. She was unable to care for her, but with the facility providing all of the care, all of the time spent with her mother was quality time.

WHY do your family think you are spending too much time with him? And what family members are they – DH, grandchildren, and/or who? Are they feeling neglected, that Dad comes first and they are missing out? Or do they think that it’s bad for you – and if so, why? Are there tasks that other family members resent having to pick up? Or do they actually think that your company is not good for Dad?

Many people of your age spend an hour or two a day on hobbies like needlework. Is there a reason why you and the rest of the family can’t just see this as your version of a hobby?

Many of our replies say that it’s up to you, which in most cases would be spot on right. However you haven’t given any idea about why the family doesn't agree with you, and perhaps there is a reason that makes more sense than we are guessing.

Life is short and there is never enough time. It just slips by. You are enriching your Dad’s life and yours by being together out of love. Be with him as much as you want.to because there will come a time when he will not be there, and you will wish he was there.

There's no right or wrong answer here.

I see my mom about 2 hrs per month. I see my MIL 0 hours per month.

Both are just about right for the person and the relationship I have with them.

It’s truly a personal choice as to how often you go.

It’s interesting that you mention his routine is off if you don’t go.

My hair stylist has a mom in a nursing home. She FaceTimes with her daily until they open up again for visits because she believes that her mom (Alzheimer’s disease) would totally forget who she is. As of now, she knows her daughter.

Could you try FaceTime with your dad?

Is there someone in the facility that would use their phone to do this?

This is what my hair stylist does. The activities director has free time and she makes the call for them. The nurse or aides would be too busy to do it.

It’s a tough call. You shouldn’t wear yourself out if you are feeling drained.

Cut back going gradually and see how it goes.

Wishing you all the best.

once a week for an hour or two would be better for both of you. Let him talk to other people there. Hugs 🤗

It's up to you. If it doesn't feel burdensome, then why worry about it?

I'm wondering if perhaps you asked other family to fill in for you, and they are unable or unwilling to do daily visits? I think in those cases you take what other people can give. I don't think I would expect out of town family members to visit my mom if I were unavailable, simply because she's lost her sense of time, and...she's in an AL.
If there are other things you'd like to do, and the daily visit schedule is impinging on your ability to do those things, then I think you should go do them. You love your dad. He's in a safe place, and surely (pre-dementia) he wouldn't have expected you to forgo something enjoyable to sit with him daily? His memory loss means that he will not remember missing the daily visits, and will hopefully get over his distress. You could also ask the facility to assist with trying a video conference call and see if he's able to enjoy that. If he does, that would be another way to stay in touch without you physically being there if you were away.
Again, if you have the time and desire to do it, and it's enjoyable, then I say good for you!