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I think Blannie summed it up beautifully. If you never had a good mom your whole life, you are not going to now and you will kill yourself trying. Not a healthy thing for your son to see. If you can find any outside work to make enough money to move out on your own, do it. Please don't stay there and be abused because she is your mom and you have nowhere else to go. Find a way to get out. Your mom will be in a hospital soon for some reason or another. Get a psych consult then. Of course she can always refuse to take her melds. When it is time to be discharged, maybe she will be so de conditioned they will require she go to assisted living
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ferris1--Thanks for the advice. I know what an "enabler" is (I was in social services for many years). Perhaps I am. But I am not a "child"--I'm an adult trying to figure out the best way to handle things without being a jerk. Telling someone that she is "acting like a child" under these circumstances is not particularly helpful, and sounds quite judgmental, especially from someone who is "in the medical profession."
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Babalou--all went nicely yesterday--thanks!

kdcm--yeah, the "fixing" thing is kind of part of my personality with most things, but I do think I'm about past that at this point. What I wrote a few minutes ago about being judgmental reminded me of something I think about sometimes-when I worked in social services with people with AIDS, the homeless, and substance abusers, Lesson #1 was DON'T JUDGE. And under those circumstances I actually had no tendencies toward judgment--none of that "You put yourself into that situation so you don't deserve sympathy" crap that I sometimes heard from others. And yet, the judgment is always right at the surface as far as my mother is concerned. I resent that she's let herself deteriorate like that, and that she won't (or possibly can't) change her behaviors in positive ways now. I've thought about the reasons for my different feelings in the two situations, and tried to reconcile them--without a whole lot of luck so far! Anyway, I'm sorry that you're dealing with similar issues with your MIL (I imagine that's even trickier with those family dynamics!).
I don't force my vegetarian meals on my mother (and they're quite tasty vegetarian meals, when I do make them!). But if I'm cooking one for myself or my son for dinner, I'm sorry but I'm not going to cook a separate, non-vegetarian dinner... I just kind of feel that if she's not going to make herself a meal, she shouldn't be quite so picky about what someone else makes for her!
Wonderful suggestions, Rainmom, and I'm sorry about your issues with your mother--yikes! The "therapeutic fib" idea is brilliant! I will give some thought as to how I might approach things in a similar way...

I should say that it's not exactly as if I'm slaving away for her all day. She does have a wonderful young woman who is here most mornings (she's been coming since before I moved in, and it would have seemed mean to fire her just because I showed up). It's just that when I'm doing something for her, and she complains about how I do it, it gets old fast. She also has a habit of yelling "It's my house and I'll live how I want to live!" when I suggest that she do things to keep it cleaner so that it's not infested with bugs (as it was for a while before I moved in, and still is to some extent), etc. Yes, it's her house, but she wants me to live in it, and I don't feel like living in filth (and again, it's a gorgeous, huge house--she has a habit of buying expensive things and then letting them fall apart).

My irritation at her not doing more around the house is, again, more about the fact that she is allowing herself fall apart (like the house, etc.) by lying on the couch or in bed all day every day with the TV on. And then complaining that I don't care...

I understand the suggestions that I move out, but at the moment it's just not feasible, and it would also seem mean (I know, I know...). I have spoken to my son about it a lot over the years; he's now 17 and quite wise for his age. He gets frustrated at my frustration, but I think he "gets it," and understands that although this situation is a negative one, there are ways to have wholesome, positive relationships with people (I'm sure he's not always thrilled with me, and of course sometimes he gets me mad, but our relationship is pretty great for a single mother and a teenaged child).
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Reno--funny thing is, I have a feeling she won't be in the hospital any time soon. I don't know why I say that, other than the fact that she's weirdly tough (hard to explain). (Sometimes when she's going on about how she'll be dead soon, etc., I joke with her that Death will come with the scythe, etc., and then after dealing with her for a few moments decide that it's just too much trouble, and leave again! :) ).

But that's probably not realistic either. Anyway, you're right--when and if she IS admitted, that will be a great time to really try to put things into place. However, when she's been put into rehab places the past few times after hospitalization, she's screamed bloody murder to get out (and in the case of the last one, which was a living hell, I can't say I blame her). I'd have to move fast... :)
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I guess I should just clarify what I was originally asking (although all the advice, support, understanding, and sharing of similar stories has been incredibly enlightening and helpful, and has helped me feel a lot less alone in this!). I guess it does have to do with "enabling"--but more enabling of the physical sort. Assuming the situation remains the same for the time-being (although I'm definitely going to try those strategies to get a psych evaluation!), to what extent should her physical pain preclude her from moving around the house and trying to do what she can for herself? At one point does it become heartless for me to let her try to work through the pain to do things, even if my intent is to get her to get up and move and at least try to retain whatever muscle mass, etc., she has left? That's where I've really been stuck.
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I'm experiencing the same situation. I am my 86 year old mother's primary caregiver. She recently had a stroke and everyone keep tell her to do PT but she feels at 86 she shouldn't have to exercise. She has a lot of trouble moving around. I keep trying to convince her to do her exercises so her quality of life would be better. I also keep reminding her that longevity runs in our family, so it's not out of the question for her to live another 10 years. Her older sister is in her 90's , her father lived to 98, his brother lived to 99, so I just want to convince her to help herself but to no avail. I don't want to give up on her, but I don't want the daily arguments about PT. I wish she would at least try.
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You are not being mean or unkind to your mother when you do anything that increases her physical activity and her self care. I have been registered nurse for over 40 years and that is the main thing that I have been taught that will improve mental, emotional, and especially physical condition. There are reasons that are too numerous to count which support this fact. Even though most times it would be easier for the caregiver to do the task, the patient should always be encouraged to do as much independently as safely possible.
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nancygb: #1 It is unclear to me why you say "it would be very difficult for you to obtain a job at 54." Why? Have you not had a career up to this age? and #2 Even though you may not realize it, your mother is an addict. Yes, she's unknowingly become hooked on pain killers. When she made the comment years ago, "I'm not leaving the couch," your response should have been something to the effect to scare her into a real wake-up call="well, okay, then, it will be your deathbed!"
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Nancygb, Just let her go. It is her life, if she wants to lay on the couch, let her. I think it is sort of like telling a teenage girl her boyfriend isn't good for her. It will make her want him more. It is her life, not yours, let her have it.

A couple of suggestions: keep the part of the house you use clean. Muck (for non horse people that sort of means clean with a shovel) her room out once a month or so. Close doors that you can't keep clean. That way you don't have to look at them.

When she starts to yell at you my counselor told me to say. "I am sorry you feel that way." and "That is one way to look at it." Then walk out of the room. You are acknowledging her feelings, but not arguing with her. It can get to be fun.

If you had a loving, giving, mother she is gone. I never had one so I don't know how it would be. Save yourself. I hope these ideas give you some piece of mind.

Talk to a career counselor at a university or college about how to get back into your field. If you have an agent, perhaps they can help you. Maybe on-line courses would be the answer for you. I have a girlfriend with a special needs child that got her Masters that way.

Don't you just love this site and the wonderful, helpful people here?
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54 is not old! why do you think you can't get back into the job market? Might do you a world of good to be engaged outside the home, making your own money.
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NYCinderella: That's what I said in regard to the OP''s age!
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Thanks again everyone.

No--54 is not old and I haven't given up on life yet! Not by a long shot. I am actually actively pursuing what I love to do and what I went to grad school for--nothing likely to allow me to make a living, but very gratifying. On that level I'm quite content. But I appreciate the concern.

As I said a little earlier, my main question at this point is not about whether or not I should be here at all--for the time being, I will be here for a variety of reasons--but about reasonable expectations for my mother's level of activity. Yes--I do get extremely frustrated, and often upset and angry, with my mother. I'm really just working on being kind but keeping unnecessary contact to a minimum (I've also noticed over the past few days that she SEEMS to be trying a bit harder not to work my nerves!). A Buddhist would say that those who make our lives the most difficult are our best teachers, so I'm TRYING to see it in that light, and learn to be more patient and compassionate. Definitely a work-in-progress...

I wanted to answer a few people's comments and suggestions, but they're on the page before this one and if I go back to find your names I'm afraid I'll lose what I've already typed. So please forgive me for not addressing you by screen-name.

To the physical therapist--REALLY helpful info. I was, however, wondering why you said that the pool is a no-go. Someone just GAVE my mother one of those lifts to help get her in and out of the pool, and I thought that that would be ideal exercise for her (she went in once a few years ago and was really surprised at how much she enjoyed the weightless feeling--unfortunately, she didn't enjoy it enough to go again! :) ). Is there something in particular about it that would be dangerous for her, provided she had a professional there helping her do safe and useful activities in the pool?

I would love to be able to bring a PT here, but that would have to be someone she'd pay for, so my hands are tied unless I can somehow convince her. If I do, I will definitely contact you for some names!

And thank you as well to the person who said in no uncertain terms that there's nothing wrong in encouraging someone to get as much activity as she can. That really helped.

To the person who suggested that she's addicted to pain-killers--that's actually not the case. Yes--she does take them pretty much daily, and if she suddenly stopped I'm sure she'd feel the effects of withdrawal. But she actually isn't all that keen about them, except to the extent (which is not much, apparently) that they ease her pain. She takes them as rarely as possible, and hasn't increased the dosages to speak of. She takes quite a bit less than the dose recommended (sometimes I've had to convince her to take a second dose in a day, even though she's allowed to take them every 6-8 hours or so). I've often thought she has some kind of anhedonia--inability to feel pleasure (except, apparently, with food), even from narcotics. Which is sad, aside from the fact that it's kept her from becoming a real addict.

I think that's it. Thanks again.
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Nancygb, you said, "I am actually actively pursuing what I love to do and what I went to grad school for--nothing likely to allow me to make a living, but very gratifying". Maybe you would find supporting yourself gratifying too. I know I find having enough money to take care of myself gives me a more calm peaceful spirit. It would also get you out of the house and force your mother to take care of herself more. Like, get her own water, etc.
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When it comes to pain medication there is a difference between "addicted" and "dependent". It may be a fine line to those not having to deal with chronic pain, but to those who do, it is an important one. Perhaps more people who get up off the couch if they took their pain medication as directed instead of being made to feel ashamed or frighten by people who get judgemental over the mere mention of oxycodone or Percocet. I'm speaking to no one specific and certainly not you, Nancy. You wouldn't expect a diabetic to go without insulin- why is it deemed some sort of weakness or character flaw for someone in chronic pain to treat their condition with medication as well? I suspose it would be better if they just "bit the bullet" and suffered through each day.
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I very much agree with you, Rainmom.
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Same here, Rainmom. Your message is important. And it gets overlooked in this addiction-sensitive time that we are living in.
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That is so true. People worry about addiction so much now that doctors are reluctant to prescribe things that a patient needs.
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I agree, as one who has to rely on pain meds, to help my pain, and to have any quality of life, I unfortunately must take them, just to live my life. I am always reluctant to mention this, for fear of people who might feel it inappropriate, but to them I say, try to walk a mile in my shoes, in fact even I'm unable to walk a mile, even with the pain meds.
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Thanks, you guys! I was kinda expecting to get my a$$ handed to me so lm pleasantly surprised with your replies. It's just crazy to me that people treating chronic pain have been made to feel like they are hiding a dirty little secret- made to feel weak and ashamed. Sorry Nancy - didn't mean to hijack your thread! But when I read you can't get your mom to take her pain meds it hit a hot button with me. My dad wouldn't take pain meds until he was definitely beyond the point where it could benefit him - he had been brainwashed that he would become a helpless addict. When I think of all the time he missed doing things and interacting with people because he was suffering in pain, it breaks my heart.
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Rainmom, I am going to take your advice and try more pain meds so that I can become more active.
One problem I have with my dH getting pain meds is not that he takes too much-he doesn't-but the doctor refills 180 tabs of 800mg. of Ibuprophen-(dH won't say , understand, or recall he has 2 bottles at home) thus the unmonitored refills. Still working on the first bottle! Then, I have to cancel the refill-after he leaves the appointments! He prefers not to give me medical POA and goes alone into the doctor. This is harder on me and is not working for either of us.
I am already doing the most and best I can.
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Nancygb, You have a lot to deal with there. No one can be all things to all people. When resentment builds, your life just gets harder and less comfortable. Start by making important changes for your own health and sanity.
If it were me, I would send the T.V. out for repair, but you don't have that authority or control. If you don't have her cooperation, and you are not in control of your Mom's care, the only person you can help is yourself.
So please give up the guilt, it is not productive for you.
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I have a love hate relationship with pain meds. My dear departed, Mom was given numerous prescriptions for Tylenol 3's. She had severe osteoporosis and stress fractures. She was in terrible pain but the doctor would just hand her a prescription for 80 Tylenol's. No monitoring how she was taking them. It wasn't until I took over handling her prescription's etc. that I realized this.

One night we had to take Mom to emergency. The on-call doctor there was going to give my Mom Vicodin. Excuse me? A 90 year old woman with dementia who you have never met before?

I think those with pain should be allowed to have painkillers, don't get me wrong but not people who are not in their right mind unless they monitor it. That's just me though.

My problem is with sleep medications. I need them but yet I feel like I am becoming addicted to them and they aren't even helping that much.
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Gershun - I think what you said would hold true for any prescription medication and someone who is "not in their right mind". Sorry to hear ur having trouble sleeping- I know how miserable that can be - I m writing this at 2:45am! Lol!


Send me - it's not my advice I'm encouraging any one to follow, but their doctors advice as it relates to taking pain - or any medication really - as directed. Unless you want to think of it this way - you can follow my advice to follow your doctors advice - lol! Seriously- medications need to be taken as directed - jmho.
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Yes Rainmom here I am writing a response at 4:33 am. They said to stay away from any computers, gadgets, t.v. etc. before bed but they did not say if you wake up and are prowling during the night that you can't right? LOL
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I slept well, awake at 6:00 a.m., it is now 7:00 a.m.
Rainmom, If I took my doctor's advice, the pain med needed to sleep better would have been doubled. So, I took my own advice. Your advice was just a reminder to me about pain meds. So thank you.

Gershun, No worries, suggestions for sleep may not help everyone, and must be adjusted for what helps you. There is another new study that split sleep is beneficial, ha! Several hours in the day, and several at night. Really?
It helped me to read and post last night, it was relaxing, and good to see you up - even though I am sorry you are having sleep trouble. Are you asleep right now?
Your cats would miss you if you didn't prowl with them at night. imo.
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Sendme - I'm glad I could serve as a reminder. No one should suffer in pain if they've got a dr approved alternative- in my humble opinion.
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Nancy, What I am seeing so often is a caregiver moves in and expectations and demands increase until the caregiver must do it all. That is just not necessary if your mother is well off. Assist her in contacting the housekeeper, in home helpers, physical therapists can come to your home, etc.
You may be placing yourself in an untenable position by your own guilt and expectations. Was it enough to move in for companionship and driving? Set boundaries, please do not allow money to force you to do her bidding beyond what most people would have contracted for. If you feel guilty, refuse the money.
Set boundaries.
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Nancy, I have read the posts early in your thread.
Here is your gold star for today, just for being you!
Here are two more gold stars for being there for your Mom, but practicing your boundaries.
Here's to the start of another new day!
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Nancygb: You said "she's on all kinds of painkillers to which she's developed a tolerance.," and "if she suddenly stopped, I'm sure she'd feel the effects of withdrawal." I understand that she's tapering back, which is a good thing. Because here's the trut
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Continued--because here's the truth, if she does feel the effects of withdrawal, she is dependent on them.
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