Located in Belgium.
I'm 21 years old. Primary caretaker of my 89 y/o grandmother since 2020. My mother lives an hour and a half away from the city where me and my grandmother are (which is why I became the primary caregiver during COVID). My mother has finally taken over the financials and managing the assistance services. I still visit my grandmother once a week because we created a bond through the time we spent together.
Its hard to see her depressed, anxious and with no motivation and no interest to do anything. I know it is not my responsibility to improve her quality of life. I can offer things, but I don't push and I try to not get disappointed when she refuses.
I have a slew of my own health problems including chronic pain, depression, and anxiety (that I've had since childhood). I've been unable to focus on university and failed my last year due to my conditions and the stress from my grandma's hospitalizations and general condition.
I feel so lost managing all this, even with the help of my therapist and my friends. I don't know how to remove responsibilities in my life in order to heal from burnout. I have a hard time saying no.
I told myself that I had to stay here and take care of my grandmother until she passes away, because I don't know who will if I don't and I think it's morally correct to take care of our elders. But I don't know if it's taking too much out of me. I also can't envision any other options as I don't have motivation or passions myself.
I'm taking it one day at a time, and doing my best to manage my chronic stress through exercise and self-care, but I'm still stressed and suffering. My cognitive abilities have taken a major hit from the chronic stress; which is not motivating for university that I don't feel confident in.
This may just be too much of a generally bad situation to do much in terms of improvement. But I'm open to advice if you have any. Thanks <3
ps. I've done yoga and meditation and deep breathing and unfortunately didn't see a change. maybe I'll try again another time when my calendar isn't so full.
Caregiving Rule #1: Put your own oxygen on first before helping others.
I have to believe Belgium can do better than this!
My 'job' from therapy is to work on setting boundaries and saying no, but that's something I was actively discouraged from doing in my upbringing so its not easy.
Yes, ideally, we take care of and honor our elders, BUT we don't do it alone at 21 years old. We have a support system of people who pitch in to do the work, and that's not what's happening here and it certainly isn't fair to you. Grandmother is primarily your mother's responsibility, so you need to ask her how she's going to deal with this situation. You have an education to complete and a life to begin, so tell your mother lovingly but firmly that it is now time for her to pick up the ball and run with it. She may well not realize how taxing this has been for you, and it's important she has all the facts and is made to understand. I doubt she wants you to be overwhelmed either.
Have the conversation with your mother as soon as possible. It isn't a conversation to be afraid of. It will mean that the two of you will be on the same page and part of the team you need to be.
Best of luck to you.